Frustration... and Lilitus Attus.
At random, I became angry at him again yesterday. We were talking normally, and then all of a sudden, he mentions that he's taken (which I've known for a little while now), and all of this odd, maddening, festered-up energy began to build inside of me. As hard as I tried to stop it from building. Much of it was released when he finally -- and shortly -- left afterwards. He did nothing at all, yet I'm surprised at how suddenly upset I became. So much so that I had to remove myself to punch a wall a few times (without hurting myself, luckily), ending up throwing pens at the wall a few times as well, curled up on the floor for a few seconds, got up yet again since I evidently had too much boiling energy to seat myself anywhere at all... It actually came off a lot calmer than it sounds.
Still. Doesn't sound all too fancy. I know. I don't think I've ever been so angry before, though, that I've taken it out like that. I'm usually more of the calm, sit-there-and-soak-it-in-brooding type, I'd say. I suppose I just felt a little too sad and too pissed in the same moment that it was practically unbearable for me. It was irrational, and maybe even a pinch redundant, yes -- though also a bit amusing somewhere in the back of my mind, too, to be honest. But I wouldn't have dared to try and tell my own self that yesterday. Knowing me, I probably would've (quite literally) punched myself in the face instead of the poor wall. To my own delight.
I found it also didn't help much at all that I ended up dreaming of him and the situation that very same night, once again. And dreaming about a band on the television called Lilitus Attus. Not bad?