I'm only human when I'm alone..
I don't know to laugh or cry.. nobody would know if anything happened to me for so long. Hell, it's been admitted already by people that they wouldn't hear about it. Let alone, most everyone wouldn't give a fuck or care too much. And, yeah, I'd bet my ass that it includes people that read this, as well. I could probably count the friends I have that would be bothered by it on one hand. ..I don't know how I got here, how I got to where I am today. I don't know how I ended up so alone, even when I'm surrounded by familiar faces. I never intended to, and lord knows I tried so hard to avoid it.
..There's something missing, inside me. I don't know where I left it, or when. I don't know how much of me is there, waiting. But that emptiness, every time I look back, every time I lay down in bed by myself, every time I remember.. every time I touch on heaven in this lifetime, is there. I'm between worlds, and nobody has ever seen it. Nobody has been there, when I'm at my most vulnerable. Nobody has seen me on my knees, stripped bare and broken. Nobody would know, if I never told them.
I'm not anything more than anyone else.. I'm just as fragile and weak as anyone else. Just as vulnerable, and just as human. The only thing that could, and has, ever made me appear more, is what lies around me. ..I've been as human as any around some of you. Not all.. it doesn't happen often.. and when it does.. I can't remember the last time someone cared. The last time someone recognized it, that wasn't just brushing me off. I miss that comfort someone else can bring.. so much more than most anyone will ever realize.
..I can only remember once in my life, someone was there when I really needed them. Every other time.. there's always something stopping it. So badly, I miss someone to hold me when the storms of life prove too strong, and the winds of reality too harsh.
I don't expect anything from anyone.. not really.. but part of me, despite everything, hopes without faith.. hopes that someone will be there, someone I never could see how close they were, when I fall back to my knees. That they can catch me, and offer me some small manner of peace and comfort. I know I need to find myself on my own.. but that doesn't stop the pain when I fall into emptiness, when I slide back into the abyss I sweat and bled my way out of, that seems a lifetime ago.
..There's something missing, inside me. I don't know where I left it, or when. I don't know how much of me is there, waiting. But that emptiness, every time I look back, every time I lay down in bed by myself, every time I remember.. every time I touch on heaven in this lifetime, is there. I'm between worlds, and nobody has ever seen it. Nobody has been there, when I'm at my most vulnerable. Nobody has seen me on my knees, stripped bare and broken. Nobody would know, if I never told them.
I'm not anything more than anyone else.. I'm just as fragile and weak as anyone else. Just as vulnerable, and just as human. The only thing that could, and has, ever made me appear more, is what lies around me. ..I've been as human as any around some of you. Not all.. it doesn't happen often.. and when it does.. I can't remember the last time someone cared. The last time someone recognized it, that wasn't just brushing me off. I miss that comfort someone else can bring.. so much more than most anyone will ever realize.
..I can only remember once in my life, someone was there when I really needed them. Every other time.. there's always something stopping it. So badly, I miss someone to hold me when the storms of life prove too strong, and the winds of reality too harsh.
I don't expect anything from anyone.. not really.. but part of me, despite everything, hopes without faith.. hopes that someone will be there, someone I never could see how close they were, when I fall back to my knees. That they can catch me, and offer me some small manner of peace and comfort. I know I need to find myself on my own.. but that doesn't stop the pain when I fall into emptiness, when I slide back into the abyss I sweat and bled my way out of, that seems a lifetime ago.