Ryan Seacrest in American Idol Season 10: A Pictorial History, Part Five
Are we done yet?
Episode 22 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 11 Redux
I guess we're still reeling from the shocking! judges save because there's a super long recap of it with bonus behind the scenes scenes.
Finally we get to the episode proper and Ryan--
Wait.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH RYAN'S HAIR???
I don't know how to process this and I'm pretty sure I do not approve and, most importantly, where were all the "something shocking will happen this episode!" teasers leading up to this unexpected and game-changing reveal?
People, I need a warning when Ryan changes the part in his hair! I don't do well with this kind of MAJOR change!
Yeah... I'm gonna need a break before I can deal with this...
...heh, it's a few days later now and I totally forgot why I paused this and got to relive my omgryanwtf all over again.
Okay, on with the show.
Theme: Elton John
Scotty's first. He would like everyone to know that his guitar is named Scarlet.
Naima. Um. She decides to mix her song up reggae style. Fair enough, some former idols have been really successful with genre changing a song. I think she's the first one to decide that to authentically sing another genre, you should fake an accent. I have no words.
Paul. I think he just missed his one chance to win me over by opting to not sing Rocket Man in the genre of Shatner.
Pia. Ryan's hand! Hee!
Stefano. Man, nobody is doing anything entertaining with Ryan tonight.
Lauren, who is possibly proposing to Danny Gokey.
James.
Thia.
Casey: "Thanks for literally holding me up last week, Ryan." Ryan: "That's my job."
Jacob: still confused about signing numbers. Maybe he's encouraging people to vote for Scotty this week?
Haley kinda kicked ass this week. For someone who started the finals looking like cannon fodder, she's really starting to pull it together.
Heh, during the wrap up, Ryan asks Randy a question about voting and Randy says "we as judges have no more say" which is kind of hilarious for judges. Like maybe they should be called commentators at this point, because that's all they contribute now. Then Randy repeats that line and I think maybe he actually says "have no more save", which is an equally valid but less 'then why are you even called that?' statement.
Then we're done with the ep. Wow, Ryan's hair was by far the most interesting thing going on there. Next we get to send two people home!
Episode 23 - Ryan Seacrest Sends Two People Home
First off, the question on everybody's mind: what is Ryan's hair doing this episode?
Looking a lot better! Yay!
Ryan tells us that the last ep brought in 55 million votes which seems both really high compared to how voting's been trailing off with the ratings the last couple seasons, and really high for this point in the competition for any season. Then Ryan basically says that exact same thing, minus any mention of lowered ratings.
Ryan introduces the top 11 then instructs them to head to the couches. Only Scotty listens. Heh.
Oh, I think I generally approve of the new way they're going to fill up the time on results shows now that the judges' save and the extra singing for that is over. They're gonna have idols sing in small groups and then Ryan's going to give the results for those people. That's cool. It will result in a lot more singing. I mean, I'm not watching the show for the singing even a tiny bit, but given that the show is ostensibly all about singing, the percent of airtime actually given to singing is pretty small.
The downside is that I have to watch Scotty try to serenade/duet with Lauren. Poor girl doesn't deserve that. Also, neither does the audience.
They sing way off to the side of the stage and then just decide to hang out there after the song's done so Ryan finally has to beckon them over to centre stage for the results.
They never share the screen with Ryan so they don't get pictured, but Lauren and Scotty are both safe.
Ford music video, then Ryan asks Casey about his beard trimming excitement revealed in the previous episode.
Casey: "I am a beardy kind of guy."
Me: "Like... Ryan?"
Ryan: "You let your beard get on your face! Ew! I try to keep as much distance from my beard as possible. Oh, you meant a beard of facial hair? Yeah, it's okay for those to sit on your face, I guess."
Ryan asks James to do a show and tell about a fangift James received and James gets down from the couches in order to better show off his gift except to do so he walks near Ryan's podium and Ryan gets all hilariously "the results cards are on the podium! James could steal the results!" and snatches the cards away and hides them behind his back.
Okay, next singing is Jacob and Naima. Is the show pretending that these matchups were selected at random the way the final four duets supposedly are? Maybe not, I don't recall Ryan saying anything along those lines. Anyway, they are kind of horrible together. They aren't a good match at all.
They also don't share the screen with Ryan during results. Jacob's safe, Naima's in the bottom 3. Bottom 3 is kinda weird when 2 are leaving.
Musical interlude courtesy of Fantasia. Season 3 is really representing now. I was more excited for George Huff than Jennifer Hudson or Fantasia though.
When she's done singing, Ryan takes her by the hand and leads her over to this year's hopefuls to give some advice.
Next group up is Haley, Thia, and Pia. Yeah, so not random.
Pia and Haley are safe. Thia is in the bottom 3.
Oh, random shot of Kris Allen (and Katy) in the audience. Hi Kris!
Lots of behind the scenes and 'the making of' stuff. Apparently it rains in LA.
Next group. Paul, Stefano, James, and Casey. Doing their fake band thing.
Casey, James, and Stefano are safe. Paul is in the bottom 3.
Musical interlude courtesy of Jamie Foxx and will.i.am. I don't understand what is happening, but I'd be even more confused if I hadn't heard from a friend that Rio is about a parrot. That at least explains the random bird squawking noises in the song. I'm pretty sure nothing explains this:
Okay, we're at the bottom 3 and 2 of them will be leaving. I guess I'll take a pic despite the lack of Ryanness because this has been a really pic-lite ep.
And... Paul is safe meaning Naima and Thia are out.
Then it's time to say goodbye and wrap up the episode.
Yay, I like episodes that go by quickly. And we're two people closer to the end of the season \o/
Episode 24 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 9
We open with Ryan demonstrating his blowjob face and/or introing the rock and roll hall of fame theme.
So first up is Jacob and he needs to be quoted verbatim here because, well, because this is what he chooses to say to encourage people to vote for him:
"Let me say this: if I end up in the bottom 3, it won't be because I sang the song bad, it won't be because I sang the song wrong, it'll be because everyone in America wasn't ready to look at themselves in the mirror."
I don't even. So I won't. Instead, let's note that Jacob's earlier "I will not sing Let's Get It On because that's about sex and that's not okay (despite it being okay long enough for me to rehearse it for several days before realizing that I'm unwilling to sing about sex)" is more than a little undermined by his mid-performance efforts to impregnate his back up singer via choreographed groin thrusts.
I think maybe at this exact moment I hate Jacob more than I hate Danny Gokey.
Ryan, awesomely, is like "you know what's better than your choice to not sing about sex? the way you kept miming sex during your sex-free song." And Ryan, awesomely, mimes a little hip thrusting action of his own.
Haley and Ryan, being all nudge-y nudge-y.
Random pic of Ryan looking pretty, because I can.
Casey's next. Ryan asks him what it's like lugging around such a big instrument. Only because I know sometimes people who don't watch the show read these will I note that Casey played an upright bass during his song. But I'm pretty sure that wasn't what Ryan was talking about.
And then Ryan and Casey have a tickle fight over who can manhandle the other the most.
Lauren.
James.
Scotty.... ugh. Do I have to? Okay, fine. So the stage, which has always had enough security around to prevent any spontaneous swarming of the "talent" (or the judges, for that matter), is suddenly "spontaneously" swarmed by a flock of young girls as soon as Scotty finishes his song. I know that whenever I "spontaneously" swarm someone because I am overcome by their awesomeness, I do so by walking calming in an orderly line, following everyone else who was simultaneously spontaneously overcome and conveniently sitting in the same row as me, and then am more interested in placing myself so that I'm seen on camera than actually getting near the person who invoked such a spontaneous action on my part.
Plus, it's for Scotty.
But then the worst part about the whole not at all staged it's just that Scotty's such a teen heartthrob business, is that Ryan is totally on board with this "skit" which means we have to watch Ryan "act" while the girls disband in an orderly fashion and it's just all bad.
"What is happening? What's going on here? This is so totally unexpected that girls love Scotty! What a completely unexpected random happenstance!"
Et tu, Ryan? Et fucking tu?
(Trufax: the real reason why I've never managed to catch up with this season is that no matter how much I plan to power through an ep or group of eps, whenever I reach a point with Scotty on stage, I have to take a break. Of at least a week. If there are any Scotty fans reading this, I'm sorry. I just cannot deal. And for the people not following along at home wondering how one teen can be that bad, this is why. It's not that he sings a genre I don't like. And it's not that I'm pretty comfortable in stating that I think we have incompatible beliefs on any number of social issues. It's... okay, imagine George W. Imagine George W. at age 17 with the smirking and smarming and thinking that those things are sexy and trying to pull the whole "just a good old country boy" and crying about how it breaks him up inside that he is a bully and an asshole (that... actually happened earlier this season) but mostly with the smirking and smarming and doing anything for the votes of "good" Americans... imagine 17 year old George W. on American Idol. Trying to have eyesex with you. And how horrifying that would be. That is what he is like. And why I feel like I have to shower (in the bad way) every time he's on. He cannot get voted off this island fast enough.)
*sigh*
Random Christian Slater bit. Is he... relevant?
Pia... finishes her song and immediately has to deal with Steven yelling "murderer!" at her over and over again. Well, that's something we never got with Simon. Steven's follow up statement that basically goes "a lot of guys are masturbating to you right now"? Yeah, Simon used to do that one too. Anyway. Pia.
Stefano and Ryan discuss... boxing?
Are we done? Nope, Paul. Okay, heh. The recording producers' recommendation to Paul is "sing it like you're a crazy person" which is amazing advice because Paul can't help but follow it. The only suggestion more appropriate for Paul's approach to singing would be "sing it like a person who's making fun of the way Taylor Hicks used to look like he was having a seizure on stage... who then has an actual seizure mid-mock seizure." Or possibly "sing it like you're 3 weeks into a competition with Robert Pattinson to see who can go the longest without showering." Apt, is what I'm saying.
Ryan decides that while he gives out Paul's voting numbers, there should be a... hoedown. And then the band starts playing a hoedown and Paul starts clapping and Ryan starts... hoeing down.
Okay.
And then we see the recap of all the songs of the night and when we return to the stage, everyone is up there hoedowning.
And this goes on forever and ever and eventually it becomes obvious that we're seeing Idol history in the making and the show ran short, waaaaay short, and Ryan's solution for when things like this happen is basically: "...dance?"
Steven Tyler unclips his mic not realizing that there is still a minute and 35 seconds before they go off air.
Ryan realizes that something has to be done to fill the time so he goes to talk to the judges. While the band continues to play hoedown music and the hopefuls continue to dance and the audience claps with the hoedown, meaning Ryan and the judges can barely be heard. Which isn't really a bad thing, because the conversation goes like this:
Ryan: "What should people keep in mind when deciding how to vote?"
Randy: "I don't know."
J. Lo: "I don't know."
Steven: "I don't know."
Ryan: "Thanks guys. Thanks for helping fill 5 seconds there. Only sixty more to go."
Clearly getting no help at the judges' table, Ry returns to the stage and reels off some info about the time the results ep will air while idols dance around him. Jacob (you remember Jacob -- the one who decided that after spending several days being pro-singing about sex, he was suddenly anti-singing about sex but pro-acting out sex on a family show) spends a while rubbing his ass all over Ryan...
More hoeing is down and then Ryan signs off except we've still got 30 seconds of live tv to go. What happened here? How did this get so far off? Usually it's obvious mid-show if Ryan realizes they're running ahead or behind and he has the whole second half of the ep to compensate. And it's pretty easy to make up time at any point by just letting the judges ramble a little longer before cutting them off. But that didn't happen, so... did someone not realize until the very end that they were waaaaay short? Did all the watches and timekeeping devices stop working? Did no one tell Ryan to stretch? Did no one tell the judges to stretch? Did a prepared clip get lost?
Right, so where we are is here: Ryan has signed off and there is no more material. The idols are all tired and bored of the spontaneous hoedown and have mostly stopped dancing and are just milling about on stage. Scotty's having a conversation with someone in the audience. We pan the audience. They are clapping. We spend several seconds with Christian Slater. He is clapping. More audience. More people standing on stage.
Hey, remember that time when Idol was known for running over because Ryan and Simon were too busy pulling each other's pigtails to pay attention to clocks? That was awesome. When do we get to see more of that show?
And then, more than 4 minutes after the time filling hoedown began, a minute and 40 seconds after the usual cut off point, a minute and 30 seconds after people start removing microphones, 34 seconds after the last words of the show are spoken, we finally cut from the live feed and switch to the packaged stuff about downloading music and showing production logos and whatnot. This is American Idol.
This is the worst.
Episode 25 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 9 Results
Ryan, counting on his fingers.
Medley in which everyone fails to harmonize with everyone else... Scotty and Jacob competing to see who can skeeve me out the most... Ford music video entitled "Love Gun" featuring minors... yep, business as usual this week.
Russell Brand showing up to coach the idols on charisma... okay, that's slightly more unexpected.
Jacob (you remember Jacob -- the one who decided that after spending several days being pro-singing about sex, he was suddenly anti-singing about sex but pro-acting out sex on a family show, and later decided to be pro-rubbing his ass all over Ryan) decides that the one area performing that he really wants to work on, the area that he's going to use up his one question to Russell for is... how to be sexy on stage. Jacob? Is going to make me cry. Please go look at the man in the mirror, Jacob. Ask him to change his ways.
Enough of this nonsense; random Ryan pic:
Okay, results. Lauren, Casey, Stefano. Ryan tells Casey that Kelly Clarkson has tweeted about crushing on Casey and asks if Casey has anything he wants to say to Kelly. Casey's like "I should keep that to myself" which makes everyone laugh hysterically.
Aaaaaaaaand Stefano's in the bottom 3.
Random musical interlude courtesy of Constantine Maroulis, whose season I haven't seen which would usually mean that's all the mention his singing gets except... he sings Unchained Melody. Now, Constantine is known for singing rock music. This week is Rock and Roll theme week. Does Unchained Melody make any kind of sense as a song choice here? No. Until we recall the repeatedly established canon that Unchained Melody is Simon Cowell's favourite song I am just saying.
So undoubtedly Ryan orchestrated this as some kind of commentary on Simon's absence this season and how he's coping by pretending that Simon's presence is still with him...
...um, excuse me for a sec. Photoshop is calling...
Right, so I'm pretty sure that's what we're supposed to be thinking about while Constantine sings. I know I am.
Just for evoking that image, Constantine gets a pic.
Next up, Gwen Stefani plays fashion designer for the remaining girls. These celeb choices are bizarre.
Back to things that will actually get us closer to the end of this season: more results. Paul, Pia, and Scotty. Scotty and Paul are safe, Pia's in the bottom 3.
And then there's a clip of the idols visiting TMZ to learn about media? What is going on with this ep? So at TMZ we get to watch a bunch of grown ass adults tell a bunch of young adults (as young as 16) what their greatest non-singing-related flaw is. Brilliant. I mean, that's basically what AI is about, but usually the "be less awful" comments are coming from judges who at least try to relate awfulness back to singing, or are being said in viewer households rather than directly to the idols' faces.
Highlights include the guy with aspergers being told that he doesn't have appropriate emotional responses (...) (!!!) (...), Scotty being all "before you say anything, you're gonna tell me to hold back on the smarm and eyebrows, right?" which means he knows and it's a choice and intentional, and Jacob (you remember Jacob...) trying to arrange a date with a (female) TMZ employee. Apparently the man in his mirror is telling him that having zero talking points other than heterosexual sex, how icky it is, and how awesome he has to pretend it is is a much better closeting technique than simply not bringing up the subject. The man in your mirror is lying to you, Jacob. About many things.
More results. James, Haley, Jacob. Wow, people usually look nervous when waiting for results but I can't recall anyone looking as much like they're about to trufax vomit as Jacob does now. He certainly hasn't looked this rough in previous weeks. Anyway, the three of them are never pictured with Ryan, so here's a pic after James has been declared safe.
And then Jacob ends up in the bottom 3, which is awesome. I don't care how good a singer is or how well a singer is liked; anyone who balls out says "if you don't vote for me it is because you are morally bankrupt" needs to spend some time at the bottom.
Musical interlude courtesy of Iggy Pop. I... might have thought he was dead. And he gets zero chat time with Ryan, which is unusual. Instead, as soon as the song's over, Ryan's on the side stage ready to move the eliminations along. Hurrah!
And then Jacob is safe and it's down to Pia and Stefano and then Stefano is safe and Pia is eliminated. Shock! Everyone is shocked! Pia was such a ringer who may or may not have been enticed on the show to ensure a girl made it at least close to the end and may or may not be dating somebody from DWTS to create gossip and ratings boosts for the two shows! How could she be voted out?! (Theory: contrary to what Steven Tyler might think (and say), most of AI's audience is made up of people who don't want to have sex with Pia. Alternate theory: personality of a robot.)
In addition to the usual booing, we are also treated to Randy swearing in shock, J Lo burying her head in shock and then crying in shock. Man, I miss Simon. There were certainly shock eliminations in his day, and it's not like he'd perfected the art of audience manipulation to swing results, but at least he understood the basics of cause and effect. Randy and J Lo are talking at length about how they don't understand how telling someone that she's such a good singer that she's guaranteed to get all the votes and will obviously be safe forever might lead to people thinking that she will be safe and voting for someone who had an off week instead. (Steven Tyler is undoubtedly distracted trying to decide whether Haley or Lauren will be his new masturbation fantasy.)
We close on Ryan's judgey face, looking out into the American wasteland, all "look at the tragedy you have wrought. I hope you are all happy."
Ha!
Episode 26 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 8
After the Voiceover Man reminds us of the national tragedy that was Pia's elimination, Ryan--
Heh, I didn't mean to pause here, but I did and it's too funny not to capture.
It's songs from the movies week and Ryan may or may not make a Norma Desmond joke before we get started. First up is Paul.
And will.i.am. Why? I feel like he's been in 50 episodes already this season and they still haven't given a reason for it. "Coach" I suppose. But really? They have producers for coaches and that was working reasonably well, but now it seems every other week the coaches bit is taken over with "will.i.am was bored and just kinda wandered in here. do you mind he he watches while I give you advice about your song?"
Anyway, Paul happens and a sax player is featured on stage with him, which leads to Ryan making an inevitable "if you want sax with Paul" joke when giving the phone numbers.
Lauren.
Stefano and Ryan being all giggly and hyper with each other.
Scotty, ugh. Awesome Ryan interaction here, but don't be fooled into thinking Scotty has anything to do with it. Ry's making fun of J.Lo here; Scotty's merely also present.
Ryan and Casey being cute on stage pre-singing.
And post-singing.
Haley.
Jacob.
Ryan ends up talking more to James' guitarist than James himself, heh.
And then we're done!
Episode 27 - Ryan Seacrest Sends One of Eight Home
Gratuitous Ryan Being Pretty pics!
This gives me hope for the youth of America.
Oh, we're doing the singing in the groups they'll get the results in thing again. They're also starting with Scotty and Lauren, I think again. (Scotty is seriously going to need a chiropractor if he keeps this shit up.)
Wait, never mind, they're just singing and then no results. Behind the scenes of the music video, the actual music video, Casey and Haley dueting (possibly the most complimentary combination so far this season: they actually sing the same genre), and then we're doing results for Casey, Haley, Scotty, and Lauren all together. Ryan does nothing exciting so let's power through this: Haley's in the bottom 3 and the other 3 are safe.
Clip of Rob Reiner advising the idols on the importance of movie theme songs and on acting. And discusses the tragedy that was the oversight of From Justin to Kelly failing to receive any Oscar nods.
And then Kelly Clarkson herself is on stage for a musical interlude (dueting with some guy whose name I don't know how to spell and don't feel like looking up).
And then Ryan and Kelly are as awesome together as they always are.
Kelly chews Ryan out for changing the words of her tweets around and suggests that Ryan doesn't like foreplay. Ryan dissolves into giggles.
And then pretends to be so offended by such an accusation that he's walking off the set.
Even Ryan's like "I wish we could just hang for a few mins, Kelly. Stupid show making me have to do results." Aw. Kelly should come and perform or just chat every results show.
James, Jacob, Paul, and Stefano sing a Simon and Garfunkel medley which is surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be. Any two of these guys have incompatible voices, as is always evident in the numbers with the entire group, so trying to put 4 together seems like the worst of all ideas, but they sort of manage to not be horrible.
They get their results: James and Jacob are safe, Paul and Stefano are in the bottom 3.
Musical interlude from Rihanna.
Then we're at the bottom 3.
As Ryan points out, we've lost five female hopefuls to date and not one male (the only guy to be in the bottom got the judges' save). Will that trend continue? Nope, Haley's safe.
And the first guy to get the boot is? Paul.
Heh, while Ryan asks Paul for his thoughts, onscreen we're instead treated to the happy reunion of the James/Stefano bromance.
Anyway, Paul.
He sings us out with an encore and then we're done.
Episode 22 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 11 Redux
I guess we're still reeling from the shocking! judges save because there's a super long recap of it with bonus behind the scenes scenes.
Finally we get to the episode proper and Ryan--
Wait.
WHAT IS GOING ON WITH RYAN'S HAIR???
I don't know how to process this and I'm pretty sure I do not approve and, most importantly, where were all the "something shocking will happen this episode!" teasers leading up to this unexpected and game-changing reveal?
People, I need a warning when Ryan changes the part in his hair! I don't do well with this kind of MAJOR change!
Yeah... I'm gonna need a break before I can deal with this...
...heh, it's a few days later now and I totally forgot why I paused this and got to relive my omgryanwtf all over again.
Okay, on with the show.
Theme: Elton John
Scotty's first. He would like everyone to know that his guitar is named Scarlet.
Naima. Um. She decides to mix her song up reggae style. Fair enough, some former idols have been really successful with genre changing a song. I think she's the first one to decide that to authentically sing another genre, you should fake an accent. I have no words.
Paul. I think he just missed his one chance to win me over by opting to not sing Rocket Man in the genre of Shatner.
Pia. Ryan's hand! Hee!
Stefano. Man, nobody is doing anything entertaining with Ryan tonight.
Lauren, who is possibly proposing to Danny Gokey.
James.
Thia.
Casey: "Thanks for literally holding me up last week, Ryan." Ryan: "That's my job."
Jacob: still confused about signing numbers. Maybe he's encouraging people to vote for Scotty this week?
Haley kinda kicked ass this week. For someone who started the finals looking like cannon fodder, she's really starting to pull it together.
Heh, during the wrap up, Ryan asks Randy a question about voting and Randy says "we as judges have no more say" which is kind of hilarious for judges. Like maybe they should be called commentators at this point, because that's all they contribute now. Then Randy repeats that line and I think maybe he actually says "have no more save", which is an equally valid but less 'then why are you even called that?' statement.
Then we're done with the ep. Wow, Ryan's hair was by far the most interesting thing going on there. Next we get to send two people home!
Episode 23 - Ryan Seacrest Sends Two People Home
First off, the question on everybody's mind: what is Ryan's hair doing this episode?
Looking a lot better! Yay!
Ryan tells us that the last ep brought in 55 million votes which seems both really high compared to how voting's been trailing off with the ratings the last couple seasons, and really high for this point in the competition for any season. Then Ryan basically says that exact same thing, minus any mention of lowered ratings.
Ryan introduces the top 11 then instructs them to head to the couches. Only Scotty listens. Heh.
Oh, I think I generally approve of the new way they're going to fill up the time on results shows now that the judges' save and the extra singing for that is over. They're gonna have idols sing in small groups and then Ryan's going to give the results for those people. That's cool. It will result in a lot more singing. I mean, I'm not watching the show for the singing even a tiny bit, but given that the show is ostensibly all about singing, the percent of airtime actually given to singing is pretty small.
The downside is that I have to watch Scotty try to serenade/duet with Lauren. Poor girl doesn't deserve that. Also, neither does the audience.
They sing way off to the side of the stage and then just decide to hang out there after the song's done so Ryan finally has to beckon them over to centre stage for the results.
They never share the screen with Ryan so they don't get pictured, but Lauren and Scotty are both safe.
Ford music video, then Ryan asks Casey about his beard trimming excitement revealed in the previous episode.
Casey: "I am a beardy kind of guy."
Me: "Like... Ryan?"
Ryan: "You let your beard get on your face! Ew! I try to keep as much distance from my beard as possible. Oh, you meant a beard of facial hair? Yeah, it's okay for those to sit on your face, I guess."
Ryan asks James to do a show and tell about a fangift James received and James gets down from the couches in order to better show off his gift except to do so he walks near Ryan's podium and Ryan gets all hilariously "the results cards are on the podium! James could steal the results!" and snatches the cards away and hides them behind his back.
Okay, next singing is Jacob and Naima. Is the show pretending that these matchups were selected at random the way the final four duets supposedly are? Maybe not, I don't recall Ryan saying anything along those lines. Anyway, they are kind of horrible together. They aren't a good match at all.
They also don't share the screen with Ryan during results. Jacob's safe, Naima's in the bottom 3. Bottom 3 is kinda weird when 2 are leaving.
Musical interlude courtesy of Fantasia. Season 3 is really representing now. I was more excited for George Huff than Jennifer Hudson or Fantasia though.
When she's done singing, Ryan takes her by the hand and leads her over to this year's hopefuls to give some advice.
Next group up is Haley, Thia, and Pia. Yeah, so not random.
Pia and Haley are safe. Thia is in the bottom 3.
Oh, random shot of Kris Allen (and Katy) in the audience. Hi Kris!
Lots of behind the scenes and 'the making of' stuff. Apparently it rains in LA.
Next group. Paul, Stefano, James, and Casey. Doing their fake band thing.
Casey, James, and Stefano are safe. Paul is in the bottom 3.
Musical interlude courtesy of Jamie Foxx and will.i.am. I don't understand what is happening, but I'd be even more confused if I hadn't heard from a friend that Rio is about a parrot. That at least explains the random bird squawking noises in the song. I'm pretty sure nothing explains this:
Okay, we're at the bottom 3 and 2 of them will be leaving. I guess I'll take a pic despite the lack of Ryanness because this has been a really pic-lite ep.
And... Paul is safe meaning Naima and Thia are out.
Then it's time to say goodbye and wrap up the episode.
Yay, I like episodes that go by quickly. And we're two people closer to the end of the season \o/
Episode 24 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 9
We open with Ryan demonstrating his blowjob face and/or introing the rock and roll hall of fame theme.
So first up is Jacob and he needs to be quoted verbatim here because, well, because this is what he chooses to say to encourage people to vote for him:
"Let me say this: if I end up in the bottom 3, it won't be because I sang the song bad, it won't be because I sang the song wrong, it'll be because everyone in America wasn't ready to look at themselves in the mirror."
I don't even. So I won't. Instead, let's note that Jacob's earlier "I will not sing Let's Get It On because that's about sex and that's not okay (despite it being okay long enough for me to rehearse it for several days before realizing that I'm unwilling to sing about sex)" is more than a little undermined by his mid-performance efforts to impregnate his back up singer via choreographed groin thrusts.
I think maybe at this exact moment I hate Jacob more than I hate Danny Gokey.
Ryan, awesomely, is like "you know what's better than your choice to not sing about sex? the way you kept miming sex during your sex-free song." And Ryan, awesomely, mimes a little hip thrusting action of his own.
Haley and Ryan, being all nudge-y nudge-y.
Random pic of Ryan looking pretty, because I can.
Casey's next. Ryan asks him what it's like lugging around such a big instrument. Only because I know sometimes people who don't watch the show read these will I note that Casey played an upright bass during his song. But I'm pretty sure that wasn't what Ryan was talking about.
And then Ryan and Casey have a tickle fight over who can manhandle the other the most.
Lauren.
James.
Scotty.... ugh. Do I have to? Okay, fine. So the stage, which has always had enough security around to prevent any spontaneous swarming of the "talent" (or the judges, for that matter), is suddenly "spontaneously" swarmed by a flock of young girls as soon as Scotty finishes his song. I know that whenever I "spontaneously" swarm someone because I am overcome by their awesomeness, I do so by walking calming in an orderly line, following everyone else who was simultaneously spontaneously overcome and conveniently sitting in the same row as me, and then am more interested in placing myself so that I'm seen on camera than actually getting near the person who invoked such a spontaneous action on my part.
Plus, it's for Scotty.
But then the worst part about the whole not at all staged it's just that Scotty's such a teen heartthrob business, is that Ryan is totally on board with this "skit" which means we have to watch Ryan "act" while the girls disband in an orderly fashion and it's just all bad.
"What is happening? What's going on here? This is so totally unexpected that girls love Scotty! What a completely unexpected random happenstance!"
Et tu, Ryan? Et fucking tu?
(Trufax: the real reason why I've never managed to catch up with this season is that no matter how much I plan to power through an ep or group of eps, whenever I reach a point with Scotty on stage, I have to take a break. Of at least a week. If there are any Scotty fans reading this, I'm sorry. I just cannot deal. And for the people not following along at home wondering how one teen can be that bad, this is why. It's not that he sings a genre I don't like. And it's not that I'm pretty comfortable in stating that I think we have incompatible beliefs on any number of social issues. It's... okay, imagine George W. Imagine George W. at age 17 with the smirking and smarming and thinking that those things are sexy and trying to pull the whole "just a good old country boy" and crying about how it breaks him up inside that he is a bully and an asshole (that... actually happened earlier this season) but mostly with the smirking and smarming and doing anything for the votes of "good" Americans... imagine 17 year old George W. on American Idol. Trying to have eyesex with you. And how horrifying that would be. That is what he is like. And why I feel like I have to shower (in the bad way) every time he's on. He cannot get voted off this island fast enough.)
*sigh*
Random Christian Slater bit. Is he... relevant?
Pia... finishes her song and immediately has to deal with Steven yelling "murderer!" at her over and over again. Well, that's something we never got with Simon. Steven's follow up statement that basically goes "a lot of guys are masturbating to you right now"? Yeah, Simon used to do that one too. Anyway. Pia.
Stefano and Ryan discuss... boxing?
Are we done? Nope, Paul. Okay, heh. The recording producers' recommendation to Paul is "sing it like you're a crazy person" which is amazing advice because Paul can't help but follow it. The only suggestion more appropriate for Paul's approach to singing would be "sing it like a person who's making fun of the way Taylor Hicks used to look like he was having a seizure on stage... who then has an actual seizure mid-mock seizure." Or possibly "sing it like you're 3 weeks into a competition with Robert Pattinson to see who can go the longest without showering." Apt, is what I'm saying.
Ryan decides that while he gives out Paul's voting numbers, there should be a... hoedown. And then the band starts playing a hoedown and Paul starts clapping and Ryan starts... hoeing down.
Okay.
And then we see the recap of all the songs of the night and when we return to the stage, everyone is up there hoedowning.
And this goes on forever and ever and eventually it becomes obvious that we're seeing Idol history in the making and the show ran short, waaaaay short, and Ryan's solution for when things like this happen is basically: "...dance?"
Steven Tyler unclips his mic not realizing that there is still a minute and 35 seconds before they go off air.
Ryan realizes that something has to be done to fill the time so he goes to talk to the judges. While the band continues to play hoedown music and the hopefuls continue to dance and the audience claps with the hoedown, meaning Ryan and the judges can barely be heard. Which isn't really a bad thing, because the conversation goes like this:
Ryan: "What should people keep in mind when deciding how to vote?"
Randy: "I don't know."
J. Lo: "I don't know."
Steven: "I don't know."
Ryan: "Thanks guys. Thanks for helping fill 5 seconds there. Only sixty more to go."
Clearly getting no help at the judges' table, Ry returns to the stage and reels off some info about the time the results ep will air while idols dance around him. Jacob (you remember Jacob -- the one who decided that after spending several days being pro-singing about sex, he was suddenly anti-singing about sex but pro-acting out sex on a family show) spends a while rubbing his ass all over Ryan...
More hoeing is down and then Ryan signs off except we've still got 30 seconds of live tv to go. What happened here? How did this get so far off? Usually it's obvious mid-show if Ryan realizes they're running ahead or behind and he has the whole second half of the ep to compensate. And it's pretty easy to make up time at any point by just letting the judges ramble a little longer before cutting them off. But that didn't happen, so... did someone not realize until the very end that they were waaaaay short? Did all the watches and timekeeping devices stop working? Did no one tell Ryan to stretch? Did no one tell the judges to stretch? Did a prepared clip get lost?
Right, so where we are is here: Ryan has signed off and there is no more material. The idols are all tired and bored of the spontaneous hoedown and have mostly stopped dancing and are just milling about on stage. Scotty's having a conversation with someone in the audience. We pan the audience. They are clapping. We spend several seconds with Christian Slater. He is clapping. More audience. More people standing on stage.
Hey, remember that time when Idol was known for running over because Ryan and Simon were too busy pulling each other's pigtails to pay attention to clocks? That was awesome. When do we get to see more of that show?
And then, more than 4 minutes after the time filling hoedown began, a minute and 40 seconds after the usual cut off point, a minute and 30 seconds after people start removing microphones, 34 seconds after the last words of the show are spoken, we finally cut from the live feed and switch to the packaged stuff about downloading music and showing production logos and whatnot. This is American Idol.
This is the worst.
Episode 25 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 9 Results
Ryan, counting on his fingers.
Medley in which everyone fails to harmonize with everyone else... Scotty and Jacob competing to see who can skeeve me out the most... Ford music video entitled "Love Gun" featuring minors... yep, business as usual this week.
Russell Brand showing up to coach the idols on charisma... okay, that's slightly more unexpected.
Jacob (you remember Jacob -- the one who decided that after spending several days being pro-singing about sex, he was suddenly anti-singing about sex but pro-acting out sex on a family show, and later decided to be pro-rubbing his ass all over Ryan) decides that the one area performing that he really wants to work on, the area that he's going to use up his one question to Russell for is... how to be sexy on stage. Jacob? Is going to make me cry. Please go look at the man in the mirror, Jacob. Ask him to change his ways.
Enough of this nonsense; random Ryan pic:
Okay, results. Lauren, Casey, Stefano. Ryan tells Casey that Kelly Clarkson has tweeted about crushing on Casey and asks if Casey has anything he wants to say to Kelly. Casey's like "I should keep that to myself" which makes everyone laugh hysterically.
Aaaaaaaaand Stefano's in the bottom 3.
Random musical interlude courtesy of Constantine Maroulis, whose season I haven't seen which would usually mean that's all the mention his singing gets except... he sings Unchained Melody. Now, Constantine is known for singing rock music. This week is Rock and Roll theme week. Does Unchained Melody make any kind of sense as a song choice here? No. Until we recall the repeatedly established canon that Unchained Melody is Simon Cowell's favourite song I am just saying.
So undoubtedly Ryan orchestrated this as some kind of commentary on Simon's absence this season and how he's coping by pretending that Simon's presence is still with him...
...um, excuse me for a sec. Photoshop is calling...
Right, so I'm pretty sure that's what we're supposed to be thinking about while Constantine sings. I know I am.
Just for evoking that image, Constantine gets a pic.
Next up, Gwen Stefani plays fashion designer for the remaining girls. These celeb choices are bizarre.
Back to things that will actually get us closer to the end of this season: more results. Paul, Pia, and Scotty. Scotty and Paul are safe, Pia's in the bottom 3.
And then there's a clip of the idols visiting TMZ to learn about media? What is going on with this ep? So at TMZ we get to watch a bunch of grown ass adults tell a bunch of young adults (as young as 16) what their greatest non-singing-related flaw is. Brilliant. I mean, that's basically what AI is about, but usually the "be less awful" comments are coming from judges who at least try to relate awfulness back to singing, or are being said in viewer households rather than directly to the idols' faces.
Highlights include the guy with aspergers being told that he doesn't have appropriate emotional responses (...) (!!!) (...), Scotty being all "before you say anything, you're gonna tell me to hold back on the smarm and eyebrows, right?" which means he knows and it's a choice and intentional, and Jacob (you remember Jacob...) trying to arrange a date with a (female) TMZ employee. Apparently the man in his mirror is telling him that having zero talking points other than heterosexual sex, how icky it is, and how awesome he has to pretend it is is a much better closeting technique than simply not bringing up the subject. The man in your mirror is lying to you, Jacob. About many things.
More results. James, Haley, Jacob. Wow, people usually look nervous when waiting for results but I can't recall anyone looking as much like they're about to trufax vomit as Jacob does now. He certainly hasn't looked this rough in previous weeks. Anyway, the three of them are never pictured with Ryan, so here's a pic after James has been declared safe.
And then Jacob ends up in the bottom 3, which is awesome. I don't care how good a singer is or how well a singer is liked; anyone who balls out says "if you don't vote for me it is because you are morally bankrupt" needs to spend some time at the bottom.
Musical interlude courtesy of Iggy Pop. I... might have thought he was dead. And he gets zero chat time with Ryan, which is unusual. Instead, as soon as the song's over, Ryan's on the side stage ready to move the eliminations along. Hurrah!
And then Jacob is safe and it's down to Pia and Stefano and then Stefano is safe and Pia is eliminated. Shock! Everyone is shocked! Pia was such a ringer who may or may not have been enticed on the show to ensure a girl made it at least close to the end and may or may not be dating somebody from DWTS to create gossip and ratings boosts for the two shows! How could she be voted out?! (Theory: contrary to what Steven Tyler might think (and say), most of AI's audience is made up of people who don't want to have sex with Pia. Alternate theory: personality of a robot.)
In addition to the usual booing, we are also treated to Randy swearing in shock, J Lo burying her head in shock and then crying in shock. Man, I miss Simon. There were certainly shock eliminations in his day, and it's not like he'd perfected the art of audience manipulation to swing results, but at least he understood the basics of cause and effect. Randy and J Lo are talking at length about how they don't understand how telling someone that she's such a good singer that she's guaranteed to get all the votes and will obviously be safe forever might lead to people thinking that she will be safe and voting for someone who had an off week instead. (Steven Tyler is undoubtedly distracted trying to decide whether Haley or Lauren will be his new masturbation fantasy.)
We close on Ryan's judgey face, looking out into the American wasteland, all "look at the tragedy you have wrought. I hope you are all happy."
Ha!
Episode 26 - Ryan Seacrest and the Top 8
After the Voiceover Man reminds us of the national tragedy that was Pia's elimination, Ryan--
Heh, I didn't mean to pause here, but I did and it's too funny not to capture.
It's songs from the movies week and Ryan may or may not make a Norma Desmond joke before we get started. First up is Paul.
And will.i.am. Why? I feel like he's been in 50 episodes already this season and they still haven't given a reason for it. "Coach" I suppose. But really? They have producers for coaches and that was working reasonably well, but now it seems every other week the coaches bit is taken over with "will.i.am was bored and just kinda wandered in here. do you mind he he watches while I give you advice about your song?"
Anyway, Paul happens and a sax player is featured on stage with him, which leads to Ryan making an inevitable "if you want sax with Paul" joke when giving the phone numbers.
Lauren.
Stefano and Ryan being all giggly and hyper with each other.
Scotty, ugh. Awesome Ryan interaction here, but don't be fooled into thinking Scotty has anything to do with it. Ry's making fun of J.Lo here; Scotty's merely also present.
Ryan and Casey being cute on stage pre-singing.
And post-singing.
Haley.
Jacob.
Ryan ends up talking more to James' guitarist than James himself, heh.
And then we're done!
Episode 27 - Ryan Seacrest Sends One of Eight Home
Gratuitous Ryan Being Pretty pics!
This gives me hope for the youth of America.
Oh, we're doing the singing in the groups they'll get the results in thing again. They're also starting with Scotty and Lauren, I think again. (Scotty is seriously going to need a chiropractor if he keeps this shit up.)
Wait, never mind, they're just singing and then no results. Behind the scenes of the music video, the actual music video, Casey and Haley dueting (possibly the most complimentary combination so far this season: they actually sing the same genre), and then we're doing results for Casey, Haley, Scotty, and Lauren all together. Ryan does nothing exciting so let's power through this: Haley's in the bottom 3 and the other 3 are safe.
Clip of Rob Reiner advising the idols on the importance of movie theme songs and on acting. And discusses the tragedy that was the oversight of From Justin to Kelly failing to receive any Oscar nods.
And then Kelly Clarkson herself is on stage for a musical interlude (dueting with some guy whose name I don't know how to spell and don't feel like looking up).
And then Ryan and Kelly are as awesome together as they always are.
Kelly chews Ryan out for changing the words of her tweets around and suggests that Ryan doesn't like foreplay. Ryan dissolves into giggles.
And then pretends to be so offended by such an accusation that he's walking off the set.
Even Ryan's like "I wish we could just hang for a few mins, Kelly. Stupid show making me have to do results." Aw. Kelly should come and perform or just chat every results show.
James, Jacob, Paul, and Stefano sing a Simon and Garfunkel medley which is surprisingly not as bad as I thought it would be. Any two of these guys have incompatible voices, as is always evident in the numbers with the entire group, so trying to put 4 together seems like the worst of all ideas, but they sort of manage to not be horrible.
They get their results: James and Jacob are safe, Paul and Stefano are in the bottom 3.
Musical interlude from Rihanna.
Then we're at the bottom 3.
As Ryan points out, we've lost five female hopefuls to date and not one male (the only guy to be in the bottom got the judges' save). Will that trend continue? Nope, Haley's safe.
And the first guy to get the boot is? Paul.
Heh, while Ryan asks Paul for his thoughts, onscreen we're instead treated to the happy reunion of the James/Stefano bromance.
Anyway, Paul.
He sings us out with an encore and then we're done.