the twisted ends of a fraying knot. limbo.

[findyourpulse]

my parents turn off lights at 11. head to bed. i turn lights on at 11:15, one by one, reopening rooms and kitchens, padding around, stocking feet, sleepless.
enter: morning. i wake up with so much to do and accomplish what feels like nothing. then suddenly it's 1 am again and all i feel like doing is reading. reading to bring sleeping to bring dreaming to bring pretending to bring morning.
just. one. more. day.
of planning, and escaping failure. of growing up and paying for myself.
i think about you a lot now. because i know you're not thinking of me. soon none of you will, because this is the way the world turns. however:

-when you're married and i hear about it, even if i'm married, my heart will go *ping* ...but i know you don't believe me.
-in twenty years, if we lose touch, i will only use the scan button on my radio, as a tribute to you. however, this scenario will never occur.
-i want to be you. be you. i want to fucking be you.
-you just don't get it. and you don't use proper english. and you're ruining my life, and so i only pull you closer. whatever, fuck it. let's get drunk.
-soft lips. quiet heart. terror.
and always in the wrong order...
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