(no subject)
I guess this is love. When you have been hurt by someone so much yet forgive them and understand why they had to do it. I hate my situation. I hate Matt. I hate getting slapped in the face by the first person I have trusted not to. I hate having to see it on a screen before hearing it come from his lips. I despise that someone elses thoughts and feelings come before mine. I understand feelings are gone and how they could leave. I wish I would have fought like my grandmother told me too. Sooner. Before it was too late. I am pissed off at myself for not making sure I was happy beyond everything else. I know how he feels. I felt it too. But I knew that what I imagined was more beautiful than any moment we had ever shared. Minus the moment of truth. I knew what I had to give was a hundred times anything he had recieved from me. Sadly it was never expressed. Its never enough to know something. You most share your thoughts with the world. Especially those close to you. I realized that you cant let a moment pass you by. If you love someone you have to tell them then. Right then when it means the most. If the thought of them makes you smile you most tell them before the smile fades from your face. I tried doing this probably too late. When it had already become unresponsive. I hate that in my mind I decided I would wait a month before expressing my hopes for a relationship. And letting it be known I was here and I was putting all of me into it. Despite all of this I hate I want him to be happy. I dont want him to have regrets I live with. It hurts to know that already someone comes before me. That the intial reaction is to spare their feelings before mine. That it is more important to not give them the wrong idea than to give me the last chance I deserve. I know I can not earse the feelings that are already are there. Its the feelings at the begining that are the strongest. But I am confident that if I was given a fair chance it would make a difference. If me and him experience both of are alls that it would shine in our hearts till we saw eachother again. I know I could make it work. This is what I am good at. In long distant relstionships I shine. I believe with all my heart I deserve a chance. Mostly because I know I would do good of it. I think I would surprise everyone including myself. I am not getting that chance this go around and it hurts but at least this time I asked for it. Thats a regret I wont have. I might recieve some closuer and in the end it will make a big difference. And I am thankful that I get at least that. Me and him were never on the same page with communication. I am here now. And I must work on staying this way and perfecting it. Because in the end I love Matt not because of what we have or had but because of who he is. He inspires me to be that person I always was. To find her again and to embrace her. In many ways I needed to be her for a relationship to work with me and Matt. The timing just wasnt in it for us. Friendship doesnt need timing though. I am confident that he will always be a big part of my life. I wonder if timing will ever be right for us. I know that I will welcome it. I have learnt my lesson. Falling is worth it. That in that moment two lovers embrace and the feelings over flowi t is beautiful and worth any heartbreak that could follow. I only wish we could have shared more than one of those moments together.