ACCEPTANCE...
Acceptance...
Im more recently trying to come to terms with this idea that somethings no matter what I do I just cant change. Perhaps this is my word for the year "Acceptance" that is... Of course only in some instances. Obviously I cant have total acceptance as I think if I did it would be the same as admiting defeat. I cant just go and accept the fact that I am sick. And that as my health issues continue to pile on, and now on 10 years of being in and out of the hospital, life or death conversations.. Ultimately I cant totally accept the way THAT is. I have to keep forcing myself when im not sick to try and stay healthy, and try and do things when I have the energry to. With the hopes of course that one day I wont be as sick. Of course it is quite difficult as its been going on for so long and as its gone on ive lost more and more of the hobbies I once enjoyed due to my health. But I have to belive that that will change....
However some things wont, and always stay the same. And socially I think I need to accept somethings that have become "facts" about me, or maybe my character.. or maybe just the general idea of who I am? Not sure how to explain exactly. Of course in general I am a very insecure person deep down, and have low self confidence. And I think because of that it makes it that much harder when social situations dont go well. Thankfully of course since ive generally always been pretty popular. But no matter how much of a bitch I am willing to be for some people just beacuse I want to be liked, or beacuse "i want to know"(not sure how I should say this either)sometimes.. I just cant do anything.
I feel like this past year or so has deff taught me that with the various circumstances ive been in. And I think I am going to just accept them and move on. Ive been dreading some conversations that I know are going to happen. Ive my entire more or less adult life tried to be a bitch for people. I most certainly have many characters flaws. But I always tried to just tell myself that Id rather have the character flaw of being extremely insecure and thinking lowly of myself rather than being someone who thinks he is better than others. Which of course even saying that im coming more to accept the realization that no matter how much of a bitch I make myself for people, there will always be people that assume I am actually only faking being insecure or I actually think I am the shit or something and totally taking that the wrong way.. And that is something im coming to accept more.... Ive felt the need for the first time in my life(well besides video games because socially that is a very different dynamic and I actually am quite fine with who I am in games and never felt the need to be a bitch for anyone so that is different)to actually say you know what.. You are not part of my life. And I need to cut ties. Certainly I have had to put many friends on time outs(cough matt cough)or distance myself as I just cant deal with peoples negative vibes sometimes as im to prone to taking it on myself like I did something wrong. But I think these are more long term time outs to permenant game over sorta friendship ends whatever you want to call it. And im not saying that in I hate anyone sorta way either.. Just it has to be done sorta way. And I need to start respecting myself more sorta thing...
Of course one of these situations is the whole Applesauce thing.. I dont remember where I left off on this. But of course this has still been going on. Ive had her fucked up friends message me saying they wont be my friend unless i have sex with them, more of her friends messaging me randomly blaming me for stuff I havnt done I mean it just goes on and on. And this maybe will sound kinda wierd from what ive just been building up to but....
I accept that it bothers me.
And it should. I never did anything to any to her or her friends. And if anything I defended this girl when I didnt even know her and her own friends talked shit about her. Ive never heard one good thing about her. And she said a lot of terrible things to me, as did her friends. Stuff I would not say to someone else, let alone someone I dont even know, and of course considering my situation that I was in the hopsital at 49 diff times I think it was last summer. And I still tried to be their friends. And even when I was in the hospital that week in Ohio and all those terrible things were said about me I still havnt gone around calling her out making her or her friends look bad by posting there message. And still to this day even after Staysha told me she came up to her and started making up MORE bs I still havnt. Constantly I tried to think maybe it was my fault, I must have done something? Obviously multiple people made stuff up about me, but the thing is even if I had done something. I wouldnt have done the things her and her friend group did to me. And on thate note the conversation ive been dreading has been with my side of friends on this.
Particuarly staysha. Ive known her for probably 12 years or so. And you know everytime she has come up to me and started talking about how applesauce came up to her and was talking shit. She has never told me she defended me. Or well scartch that. She has.. shes always told me she does defend me and says "clayton is nice" And im always like dude wtf does that even mean. It sounds like "clayton is nice and even if he did do that(whatever that is)he is nice so forgive him".. Shes never once called her out.. Told her to stop. Or anything. In fact.. No one from this group has. Ive always gotten bs excuses like oh well I dont want her to be mad cuz she gets mad really easily or some bs.
Its like what about me? I guess at the end of the day it doesnt matter becaues im always nice and dont talk shit about anyone. So its like oh well who cares its clayton hes nice and laied back about everything so dont worry.
Ive tried to be civial with staysha and the other people I know but I think its time to cut my realtionships with them. I feel this whole sitauation has really sucked the fun out of our friendship. And i accept that. And I also accept that no one defended me. And in a way im cool with that now(sorta). I feel that there is no need to be friends with any of them anymore. Because no matter what happens, how far down the road it is. I will never be cool(or wait what am i saying! lol)with what happened. That all those things were said about me, and everyone was just like whatever dont worry about it to me. I keep thinking that what if something went wrong any of those times I was in the hospital and I died or something like went wrong. And all these terrible things were the last things that were said to me... And ill just never forget that. I wouldnt have let someone say all those things to people I call my friends. I would have said something and told them stop. But she didnt... And I think im fine with that now. Ive been dreading this converastion with her and others, but I have tried to avoid them as well lately and I can tell its going to be bad. Beacuse she even asked if I was mad recently and what was going on.. But I think its just time to move on and accept this is over. I dont want anything to do with anyone that was invovled or basically knows her I feel like....
Other than that there is of course the Matt situation. He never apologized and is off in his own world once again getting his life paied for him. I think ive just accepted that as well. Matt has always been jealous of me for whatever reason.
lol I feel like writing that applesauce thing has really killed my will to write... I can only complain so much and then I just dont really care anymore but I digress...
Ive also had to accept that in general durning my life becaues of how i look(which is even more ridiculous beacuse i dont like myself)that people will always think I am something im not.. Im basically treated almost like a girl, yet because im a man I am expected to have no feelings.. its realyl bizare.. espeically when given my circumstance in actuality.
Yea ive deff lost the will to write much if anymore. Although there is some other stuff I want to talk about.. Im just really dreading this conversation I know im gonna have to have. But morally I feel I have to have it.
I suppose on more positive notes, there have been good social experiences.. I have been doing pretty well with girls and have been pretty charming. I guess maybe thats nothing new in a sense. Generally ive awlays been pretty good. If anything Ive had to slow things down with people beacuse I felt I was doing so well im setting the bar so high ill never be able to consistienly reach it so I have to done it down. If that makes sense.
I did have a good petty moment recently.. At a party I was at I Took off my shirt, and litteralyl the whole party stopped and doubled taked and then just went back to staring for awhile.. I was pretty proud of myself.. Even with all my health troubles, in and out of the he hospital constantly, ive still forced myself to stay as healthy as I can and continuely compensated as best I could to fake it. And the fact I can get a whole group to stop what they were doing made me feel pretty good...
Oh well blah im just gonna stop im pretty tired....
Im more recently trying to come to terms with this idea that somethings no matter what I do I just cant change. Perhaps this is my word for the year "Acceptance" that is... Of course only in some instances. Obviously I cant have total acceptance as I think if I did it would be the same as admiting defeat. I cant just go and accept the fact that I am sick. And that as my health issues continue to pile on, and now on 10 years of being in and out of the hospital, life or death conversations.. Ultimately I cant totally accept the way THAT is. I have to keep forcing myself when im not sick to try and stay healthy, and try and do things when I have the energry to. With the hopes of course that one day I wont be as sick. Of course it is quite difficult as its been going on for so long and as its gone on ive lost more and more of the hobbies I once enjoyed due to my health. But I have to belive that that will change....
However some things wont, and always stay the same. And socially I think I need to accept somethings that have become "facts" about me, or maybe my character.. or maybe just the general idea of who I am? Not sure how to explain exactly. Of course in general I am a very insecure person deep down, and have low self confidence. And I think because of that it makes it that much harder when social situations dont go well. Thankfully of course since ive generally always been pretty popular. But no matter how much of a bitch I am willing to be for some people just beacuse I want to be liked, or beacuse "i want to know"(not sure how I should say this either)sometimes.. I just cant do anything.
I feel like this past year or so has deff taught me that with the various circumstances ive been in. And I think I am going to just accept them and move on. Ive been dreading some conversations that I know are going to happen. Ive my entire more or less adult life tried to be a bitch for people. I most certainly have many characters flaws. But I always tried to just tell myself that Id rather have the character flaw of being extremely insecure and thinking lowly of myself rather than being someone who thinks he is better than others. Which of course even saying that im coming more to accept the realization that no matter how much of a bitch I make myself for people, there will always be people that assume I am actually only faking being insecure or I actually think I am the shit or something and totally taking that the wrong way.. And that is something im coming to accept more.... Ive felt the need for the first time in my life(well besides video games because socially that is a very different dynamic and I actually am quite fine with who I am in games and never felt the need to be a bitch for anyone so that is different)to actually say you know what.. You are not part of my life. And I need to cut ties. Certainly I have had to put many friends on time outs(cough matt cough)or distance myself as I just cant deal with peoples negative vibes sometimes as im to prone to taking it on myself like I did something wrong. But I think these are more long term time outs to permenant game over sorta friendship ends whatever you want to call it. And im not saying that in I hate anyone sorta way either.. Just it has to be done sorta way. And I need to start respecting myself more sorta thing...
Of course one of these situations is the whole Applesauce thing.. I dont remember where I left off on this. But of course this has still been going on. Ive had her fucked up friends message me saying they wont be my friend unless i have sex with them, more of her friends messaging me randomly blaming me for stuff I havnt done I mean it just goes on and on. And this maybe will sound kinda wierd from what ive just been building up to but....
I accept that it bothers me.
And it should. I never did anything to any to her or her friends. And if anything I defended this girl when I didnt even know her and her own friends talked shit about her. Ive never heard one good thing about her. And she said a lot of terrible things to me, as did her friends. Stuff I would not say to someone else, let alone someone I dont even know, and of course considering my situation that I was in the hopsital at 49 diff times I think it was last summer. And I still tried to be their friends. And even when I was in the hospital that week in Ohio and all those terrible things were said about me I still havnt gone around calling her out making her or her friends look bad by posting there message. And still to this day even after Staysha told me she came up to her and started making up MORE bs I still havnt. Constantly I tried to think maybe it was my fault, I must have done something? Obviously multiple people made stuff up about me, but the thing is even if I had done something. I wouldnt have done the things her and her friend group did to me. And on thate note the conversation ive been dreading has been with my side of friends on this.
Particuarly staysha. Ive known her for probably 12 years or so. And you know everytime she has come up to me and started talking about how applesauce came up to her and was talking shit. She has never told me she defended me. Or well scartch that. She has.. shes always told me she does defend me and says "clayton is nice" And im always like dude wtf does that even mean. It sounds like "clayton is nice and even if he did do that(whatever that is)he is nice so forgive him".. Shes never once called her out.. Told her to stop. Or anything. In fact.. No one from this group has. Ive always gotten bs excuses like oh well I dont want her to be mad cuz she gets mad really easily or some bs.
Its like what about me? I guess at the end of the day it doesnt matter becaues im always nice and dont talk shit about anyone. So its like oh well who cares its clayton hes nice and laied back about everything so dont worry.
Ive tried to be civial with staysha and the other people I know but I think its time to cut my realtionships with them. I feel this whole sitauation has really sucked the fun out of our friendship. And i accept that. And I also accept that no one defended me. And in a way im cool with that now(sorta). I feel that there is no need to be friends with any of them anymore. Because no matter what happens, how far down the road it is. I will never be cool(or wait what am i saying! lol)with what happened. That all those things were said about me, and everyone was just like whatever dont worry about it to me. I keep thinking that what if something went wrong any of those times I was in the hospital and I died or something like went wrong. And all these terrible things were the last things that were said to me... And ill just never forget that. I wouldnt have let someone say all those things to people I call my friends. I would have said something and told them stop. But she didnt... And I think im fine with that now. Ive been dreading this converastion with her and others, but I have tried to avoid them as well lately and I can tell its going to be bad. Beacuse she even asked if I was mad recently and what was going on.. But I think its just time to move on and accept this is over. I dont want anything to do with anyone that was invovled or basically knows her I feel like....
Other than that there is of course the Matt situation. He never apologized and is off in his own world once again getting his life paied for him. I think ive just accepted that as well. Matt has always been jealous of me for whatever reason.
lol I feel like writing that applesauce thing has really killed my will to write... I can only complain so much and then I just dont really care anymore but I digress...
Ive also had to accept that in general durning my life becaues of how i look(which is even more ridiculous beacuse i dont like myself)that people will always think I am something im not.. Im basically treated almost like a girl, yet because im a man I am expected to have no feelings.. its realyl bizare.. espeically when given my circumstance in actuality.
Yea ive deff lost the will to write much if anymore. Although there is some other stuff I want to talk about.. Im just really dreading this conversation I know im gonna have to have. But morally I feel I have to have it.
I suppose on more positive notes, there have been good social experiences.. I have been doing pretty well with girls and have been pretty charming. I guess maybe thats nothing new in a sense. Generally ive awlays been pretty good. If anything Ive had to slow things down with people beacuse I felt I was doing so well im setting the bar so high ill never be able to consistienly reach it so I have to done it down. If that makes sense.
I did have a good petty moment recently.. At a party I was at I Took off my shirt, and litteralyl the whole party stopped and doubled taked and then just went back to staring for awhile.. I was pretty proud of myself.. Even with all my health troubles, in and out of the he hospital constantly, ive still forced myself to stay as healthy as I can and continuely compensated as best I could to fake it. And the fact I can get a whole group to stop what they were doing made me feel pretty good...
Oh well blah im just gonna stop im pretty tired....