"I don't judge"

[fimoc]

There's a lot that bothers me about the phrase "I don't judge" (or "try not to", etc.). What I need to understand is why people say it, what they mean by it, and why it's bad to be judgmental. I would argue that it is absurdly illogical to not judge, because without a judgment nothing ever happens for any reason backed by evidence. What I would

Comments

[butter_fly_]

The Bridezilla case sounds like a case of your friend taking the PC route and refusing to judge "because I don't know what her life is really like". The problem with this sort of political correctness is that it's easily overused or misplaced. In this case, your friend's refusal to judge was both overused and misplaced. That show (I've seen a few episodes) is made for entertainment, and part of that entertainment is the shock value of how poorly the brides treat everyone. It's a premise of the show that these women are selfish and entitled - and each bride demonstrates this clearly through her own actions. It's a show based on judgments! Also, I don't think there's ever an excuse for treating people the way those brides do. You could know everything there is to know about their lives and it still wouldn't absolve the brides of responsibility for their own behaviors.

I can't comment on the second case because I don't know why your friend felt judged by you. Maybe she's overly sensitive and/or has her own issues with (self-)criticism. Maybe your mannerisms conveyed something critical of her without your intending to do so. Maybe you were judging her harshly. Maybe... lots of potential reasons. This is a case in which I think it's inappropriate to make a judgment without more information at hand.

Del, you're highly analytical. It sounds like you're trying to come to terms with a world in which most people hardly analyze anything, ever. My judgment is that it's not your judgments that are causing problems. What might be causing problems is a) how you express those judgments (or how others expect judgments to be expressed) or b) your understanding of how others think about, form, and express judgments.

I expect that everyone I know has formed judgments about me, whether they tell me about it or not. Those who know me best know all of my qualities. Support and criticism from these people (my parents, siblings, girlfriend, intimate friends) means much more to me than support and criticism from those who don't know me. Why? Because I trust those who know me to have my best interests in mind (even though their own needs and issues may skew their perception of my interests). Those who know me also know what challenges I face, be they external or internal. Those who don't know me well have no way of knowing what my real interests and challenges are and are more likely to have their own interests in mind. Anyone who truly refrained from judging me would also have no basis for valuing me.

I know I've "answered" most of your questions by example or not at all, but I hope I've addressed some of your concerns or at least been helpful in some way.