"I don't judge"
There's a lot that bothers me about the phrase "I don't judge" (or "try not to", etc.). What I need to understand is why people say it, what they mean by it, and why it's bad to be judgmental. I would argue that it is absurdly illogical to not judge, because without a judgment nothing ever happens for any reason backed by evidence. What I would argue people intend is to say "I'm not judgmental", but even with the slight reduction in connotation, the denotation of the phrase is essentially the same. The discussion should rather be not of judging or not, but at what point which judgments are substantiated and to what degree; at some point one has to judge that somebody is just dangerous enough to harm them physically despite not wanting to give into judgmental feelings--at some point it's too late to avoid a bad situation as a result.
This negative use of judgment in the context of expressing qualities in personal friends also stands in stark contrast with the standards to which we hold our political leaders as well as other public figures. Can you just imagine what would happen if Obama said something like "I won't take a stance on Iran because I don't judge"? The entire world would throw a fit and everybody would be confused. Why is it that we desire leaders to have these qualities but also desire that normal people do not? I would argue that it is just another instance of the plague of escapism and denial that has gripped an increasingly papered society that is shackled, in addition, by overzealous fears of not being politically correct. And what about relationships? I would personally gain much more support and esteem from a relationship where the other values me for reasons they pick out with a critical eye than a relationship in which the other appreciates me without judgments of value.
This post is prompted by some people pointing out to me that "I am judgmental", always with negative connotations. I analyze myself and my motivations quite regularly, and I was trying to come to grips about why I would want to lessen the extent to which I make judgments about my surroundings and situation, others, myself, and about likelihoods of future actions. A few issues come to mind immediately.
The first time I was openly criticized was when someone who was interested romantically was shocked when I said that I couldn't imagine putting myself in anything close to a situation on the show Bridezilla, where a woman was seriously cussing out her husband-to-be on the wedding day. The specific thing I did to get a scalding reprimand was to say that she was a bad person to do such a thing after only seeing 2 minutes of the show (only that part) without knowing her situation. This is a case that really perplexes me because my quick judgment in this case was in unflinching support of respectful treatment of others . . . and the fact that I literally can't imagine myself verbally abusing someone I love, let alone loving someone who did the same to me.
The second is a little more subtle. Someone to whom I had become exceedingly close bluntly ended our friendship saying that they "didn't like who [they were] around me". A while later I asked for clarification (to wait until any clouding emotions were past), and what I got in reply was that "I sometimes felt like you judged me, and that's a big part of why I didn't like myself when I was with you". This is one that is more concerning to me because it suggests that a negative sort of judgment that was unwarranted was perceived. Some people say I can be critical, but when I asked some if I fit the hazy "judgmental-with-a-negative-connotation", I got the responses that I was just-realistic/not-as-optimistic. What do you guys see with respect to this, both in me and in others? How would you describe me with respect to "realistic" viewpoints and planning for the unlikely, as well as the idea in general? I would argue that for a truly stable and prepared life people should consider drastic cases much more frequently - one example is people who can afford health insurance not getting it and then complaining when they slip and get chronic back pain that requires expensive surgery . . . that's why I can't believe that people do without insurance voluntarily (and is also the reason I'm probably more insured than others my age)!
Where do you guys draw the line about what judgments are warranted when? How many times does someone have to do something for you to draw a negative conclusion? Do you benefit at all from making earlier judgments, or do you tend to find it is bad in the long run? Clearly there is a sweet-spot since postponing all judgments lets everyone take advantage of you, makes you miss opportunities, and can prevent avoiding hazardous situations. If someone unabashedly shows you bad qualities, what incentive do you have to assume they are truly not as you judge? How do you weigh this with people taking advantage of "the benefit of the doubt"? How do you value others who value you critically versus those who value you passively and "without judgment"? Do you believe in unconditional love, and if so how can it really be "unconditional" and healthy?
This negative use of judgment in the context of expressing qualities in personal friends also stands in stark contrast with the standards to which we hold our political leaders as well as other public figures. Can you just imagine what would happen if Obama said something like "I won't take a stance on Iran because I don't judge"? The entire world would throw a fit and everybody would be confused. Why is it that we desire leaders to have these qualities but also desire that normal people do not? I would argue that it is just another instance of the plague of escapism and denial that has gripped an increasingly papered society that is shackled, in addition, by overzealous fears of not being politically correct. And what about relationships? I would personally gain much more support and esteem from a relationship where the other values me for reasons they pick out with a critical eye than a relationship in which the other appreciates me without judgments of value.
This post is prompted by some people pointing out to me that "I am judgmental", always with negative connotations. I analyze myself and my motivations quite regularly, and I was trying to come to grips about why I would want to lessen the extent to which I make judgments about my surroundings and situation, others, myself, and about likelihoods of future actions. A few issues come to mind immediately.
The first time I was openly criticized was when someone who was interested romantically was shocked when I said that I couldn't imagine putting myself in anything close to a situation on the show Bridezilla, where a woman was seriously cussing out her husband-to-be on the wedding day. The specific thing I did to get a scalding reprimand was to say that she was a bad person to do such a thing after only seeing 2 minutes of the show (only that part) without knowing her situation. This is a case that really perplexes me because my quick judgment in this case was in unflinching support of respectful treatment of others . . . and the fact that I literally can't imagine myself verbally abusing someone I love, let alone loving someone who did the same to me.
The second is a little more subtle. Someone to whom I had become exceedingly close bluntly ended our friendship saying that they "didn't like who [they were] around me". A while later I asked for clarification (to wait until any clouding emotions were past), and what I got in reply was that "I sometimes felt like you judged me, and that's a big part of why I didn't like myself when I was with you". This is one that is more concerning to me because it suggests that a negative sort of judgment that was unwarranted was perceived. Some people say I can be critical, but when I asked some if I fit the hazy "judgmental-with-a-negative-connotation", I got the responses that I was just-realistic/not-as-optimistic. What do you guys see with respect to this, both in me and in others? How would you describe me with respect to "realistic" viewpoints and planning for the unlikely, as well as the idea in general? I would argue that for a truly stable and prepared life people should consider drastic cases much more frequently - one example is people who can afford health insurance not getting it and then complaining when they slip and get chronic back pain that requires expensive surgery . . . that's why I can't believe that people do without insurance voluntarily (and is also the reason I'm probably more insured than others my age)!
Where do you guys draw the line about what judgments are warranted when? How many times does someone have to do something for you to draw a negative conclusion? Do you benefit at all from making earlier judgments, or do you tend to find it is bad in the long run? Clearly there is a sweet-spot since postponing all judgments lets everyone take advantage of you, makes you miss opportunities, and can prevent avoiding hazardous situations. If someone unabashedly shows you bad qualities, what incentive do you have to assume they are truly not as you judge? How do you weigh this with people taking advantage of "the benefit of the doubt"? How do you value others who value you critically versus those who value you passively and "without judgment"? Do you believe in unconditional love, and if so how can it really be "unconditional" and healthy?