Pain is pain is pain....No, it's not
Many of my friends are going through tough times these days and so have I. I've been thinking about loss and grieving and emotional pain and some things that I discussed with people a while back. Saying pain is pain simplifies things too much. Pain, emotionally speaking, is not the same for everyone. We all have different backgrounds, different ways of dealing with loss. Although Bree and I lost the same man from our lives, her pain and mine are nothing alike. She lost a father and I lost a spouse. She was only 5 when she lost Liam but I was already 35, with a complete set of coping skills. The loss of a spouse is so different from the loss of a daddy, especially when you lose one that young. I lost my dad too but the pain is different because his death followed the natural order of things but Liam's didn't. I am not saying that one pain is greater or more important than the other, not at all. I do know that sometimes pain is all consuming and it clouds our ability to see, understand and respond to another person's pain. However, I do not think my pain is greater because I lost someone due to 9/11. The person whose cat has died may be going through similar pain to me. Why? Because relationships are different for everybody, and so are coping skills. I may lack the ability to sympathize with you and your pain from time to time but I do not engage in pissing contests over whose pain is worse. For the person going through loss and pain and confusion, their pain is the worst thing going on for them sometimes. I may not always be able to help people through that, but I recognize that everyone has their own process and everyone copes differently. If I discuss my pain and loss while you are discussing yours, it's not because I think mine is greater or more important, it's because I'm trying to understand and bridge the gap between our losses. If I have learned anything over the last 8 years it is that everyone grieves in their own individual way. While I may occasionally fail, I try my very best these days to respect that. I dealt with a lot of stupidity when Liam died because people didn't respect me or my grieving process. I hope that my loss gives me a little bit of understanding when dealing with the loss and pain of others. I may not understand your pain but I can recognize you are going through it and be as sympathetic as my pain allows. Sometimes that's a lot, sometimes not so much. But no one copes like I do and I try to respect that. I wish others could do the same. My MIL#1 never understood why I kept Liam's ashes at home and it was a source of contention for a long time. Then FIL#1 passed away and without consulting with anyone else in the family, she had his ashes interred upstate because that's where she and he were happiest together. She called me and said "I get it now", after that. I wish I could "get" the emotional pain that my mother is going through. Unfortunately, I don't. It's hard for me to be sympathetic because Mom expresses her pain not by talking about it, since she was taught not to when she was growing up, but by lashing out at other people. I recognize her pain and wish I could help more. The same goes for a lot of my friends who are hurting right now. I don't think my pain is better or bigger than yours, I just don't know how to help you. That being said, I hope I can find a way to be more sympathetic and understanding. All emotional pain may not be the same but all emotional pain hurts the person going through it.