Polyamory
Not too long ago, just a few years, I didn't know what polyamory was. I had heard about open relationships, but never thought about it much. It wasn't that the thought didn't make sense or didn't hold some sort of appeal. But when I heard people talking, about someone in an open (usually about the girl for some reason) relationship, it was like an excuse for cheating. Or having permission to cheat. And yes, that certainly makes no sense at all.
Still, it was imprinted in my brain that a relationship was between two people. That I was bisexual was clear to me, even if I didn't act on it, so I didn't really think anything about genders in relationships. But it was supposed to be between two people, and being with a guy always seemed easier to me.
For so many years, I thought that there was something wrong with me. I could be in a relationship, and things were going well. Then I'd develop feelings for someone else. Cue a very confused Hanna. Because if I had feelings for someone new, then I obviously couldn't really be in love with the guy I was already with. Right?
So I would end the relationship and move on. Then the same thing would happen again. And again. And I wondered so many times why I couldn't settle. What was I looking for? Didn't I know what love was? What was wrong with me, since there was always someone new?
I can't even remember now when that word first appeared. It must have been on a computer screen. Polyamory. Now, I'm not going to say that I had some sort of epiphany reading about it. Not right away. At first I just thought it seemed weird. Because after all, that wasn't how it was supposed to work. Right? But the thought stuck. Time passed as time does, and that word wouldn't leave me alone. Because the more I thought about it, the more it fit.
But how to explain that? How to even begin? How to say that to someone I was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with? "Hey, just so you know, I'm in love with other people besides you. Thought you ought to know." The world I saw around me was monogamous. I'd never heard anyone talk about polyamory; I'd only read about it on the internet. (Interesting thing here, as I'm typing. Monogamy is in my word-processor's dictionary, polyamory is not.) People would think I was weird, or a slut, or making excuses, or... So I didn’t do much about it. When the next relationship came around, I talked to the guy about us having an open relationship. He agreed, but for most part I stayed monogamous. I don’t think I ever talked about polyamory, because I still didn’t know how to explain it.
Eventually that relationship ended as well, though not because I had found someone new. By now I had at least admitted to myself that what I felt was very real, and didn’t mean that I couldn’t love my boyfriend as well, even if I also loved others. That relationship ended for other reasons, and I’ve kept my love for this man. He annoys the hell out of me at times, and gives me gray hairs, still. But I do still love him.
Now, I decided, this second and final year at school I would try to live out this side of me that I’d kept under lock and key for so long. Not in the way that I would try to sleep with a ton of people, but I would start to admit this to others, and try to explain it to them. I would try to be more honest with myself, both in thought and in action, and act on more than 5-10% of what I was feeling.
And wouldn’t you know it, one of the new students turned out to be polyamorous as well.
Now, at the beginning of the second term, I still don’t really know what to make of this guy. He has a way of making a gal feel special, if only for a moment. Then he has a way of making a gal feel forgotten about. Highs and lows. But I learn from him, though I don’t think he knows it. And I don’t think he would be particularly flattered to know how I learn from him.
I’m learning what not to do. How I don’t want to make people feel.
I don’t want the people I love to have to keep guessing. I want to be able to talk to them, equal to equal, without them feeling like I’m preaching or teaching. I want the people I love to know how special they are, each in their own unique way. That they are valued for who they are, each single person. I don’t want anyone to have to feel like they are last in a line, far behind others.
I make it sound like I don’t like this man. But I do. Somehow, and in some way, I love the guy. And I don’t like that I do.
Well, the last two months of 2010 turned out to be a huge learning experience. Having let go of the reins, it sometimes felt like my heart would burst. And sometimes I did express these emotions for the people targeted by them. For the first time I expressed my love for a woman, Alex, a woman who was one of my closest friends. Still is. And somehow, after many strange turns, I found myself in a relationship that consists of three people instead of two. And it feels RIGHT! There’s nothing wrong or strange with it. We all compliment each other. Alex and Joel have a larger need for company than I do, and since they get along splendidly on their own it frees me up to retreat into my own little bubble when I feel I need to. And even if they spend more time with each other than with me, I don’t feel left out. Because I know that I’m always welcome.
I can say that I love them, even though I still love my ex. I can say that I love them even with another man who I’ve also loved for years, though I’ve never told him. I can say that I love them, even with an initial crush on a man I met during the holidays, that I’m immensely curious about and want to learn more about. I can say this now, after having stopped trying to put labels on my emotions. I don’t question myself about this anymore, I don’t try to figure out what kind of love is what, or if one love is larger or more important than others. Isn’t it enough that I feel love? That I value someone for their personality, and that I’m attracted to them physically?
I can’t say I know how things will turn out in the future. Come summer, Alex, Joel and I will go back to separate parts of the country, where we come from. All we know we have is what remains of this school year. After that it’s anyone’s guess. But sometimes ones path will lead us away from each other just as fast as it led us to each other.
While things are going well, it's not without problems. Every form of relationship has its problems, every way of life has its problems. Polyamory - in whatever form it might be in - also has problems. For me, it's mainly in my attempts to make others understand. And I have to admit that my own fears play a major part in that. I'm still afraid to be seen as weird, or a slut, or untrustworthy, or what have you. I'm afraid that people won't understand, so I'm scared to talk about this. I'm getting better at it, though, after having made a conscious effort to force myself to talk about it.
Then there's the practical thing. Time. It's not too bad right now. I have Alex and Joel, and these two are the ones I give most of my time to. But this is mainly because the other ones that I can say that I'm in love with, or have a crush on, lives far away. If they lived nearby, and if I had relationships with them as well, I honestly don't know how I could have divided my time without anyone feeling neglected. This is what I see with Morgan - the polyamorous man next door. He's always busy, always hanging with different girls, and yes, he does make me feel neglected. And this is without me having expectations, mind you. I truly don't. But I have emotions and wishes. The two does collide, at times. Knowing and feeling isn't the same thing.
Even though I do try to act on my feelings more these days, there's still times when I don't. Fairly often in fact. Still. Because there are those with whom it simply would not work. Acting on any warmer emotions then would only be selfish, and lead to pain for both involved. And I don't need to tell everyone I happen to fall for. Emotions in themselves are rewarding enough, and friendship is still the most important thing of all. If I fall for someone, and can spend time with them as a friend, then I'm good. Physical attraction is just physical attraction. In ways it's important, but not that important.
I feel like I'm rambling now. There's still more to say on the subject, and I will most likely come back to it at another time. But for now this is enough.
I will leave this entry open. I won't lock it, and I won't screen comments. Hello world, this is me. I'm not going to hide anymore. If anyone has questions, feel free to ask. In fact, I'd be glad to receive questions. Because questions lead to some sort of answer, and maybe even answers I'm unaware that I have.
Still, it was imprinted in my brain that a relationship was between two people. That I was bisexual was clear to me, even if I didn't act on it, so I didn't really think anything about genders in relationships. But it was supposed to be between two people, and being with a guy always seemed easier to me.
For so many years, I thought that there was something wrong with me. I could be in a relationship, and things were going well. Then I'd develop feelings for someone else. Cue a very confused Hanna. Because if I had feelings for someone new, then I obviously couldn't really be in love with the guy I was already with. Right?
So I would end the relationship and move on. Then the same thing would happen again. And again. And I wondered so many times why I couldn't settle. What was I looking for? Didn't I know what love was? What was wrong with me, since there was always someone new?
I can't even remember now when that word first appeared. It must have been on a computer screen. Polyamory. Now, I'm not going to say that I had some sort of epiphany reading about it. Not right away. At first I just thought it seemed weird. Because after all, that wasn't how it was supposed to work. Right? But the thought stuck. Time passed as time does, and that word wouldn't leave me alone. Because the more I thought about it, the more it fit.
But how to explain that? How to even begin? How to say that to someone I was supposed to be in a monogamous relationship with? "Hey, just so you know, I'm in love with other people besides you. Thought you ought to know." The world I saw around me was monogamous. I'd never heard anyone talk about polyamory; I'd only read about it on the internet. (Interesting thing here, as I'm typing. Monogamy is in my word-processor's dictionary, polyamory is not.) People would think I was weird, or a slut, or making excuses, or... So I didn’t do much about it. When the next relationship came around, I talked to the guy about us having an open relationship. He agreed, but for most part I stayed monogamous. I don’t think I ever talked about polyamory, because I still didn’t know how to explain it.
Eventually that relationship ended as well, though not because I had found someone new. By now I had at least admitted to myself that what I felt was very real, and didn’t mean that I couldn’t love my boyfriend as well, even if I also loved others. That relationship ended for other reasons, and I’ve kept my love for this man. He annoys the hell out of me at times, and gives me gray hairs, still. But I do still love him.
Now, I decided, this second and final year at school I would try to live out this side of me that I’d kept under lock and key for so long. Not in the way that I would try to sleep with a ton of people, but I would start to admit this to others, and try to explain it to them. I would try to be more honest with myself, both in thought and in action, and act on more than 5-10% of what I was feeling.
And wouldn’t you know it, one of the new students turned out to be polyamorous as well.
Now, at the beginning of the second term, I still don’t really know what to make of this guy. He has a way of making a gal feel special, if only for a moment. Then he has a way of making a gal feel forgotten about. Highs and lows. But I learn from him, though I don’t think he knows it. And I don’t think he would be particularly flattered to know how I learn from him.
I’m learning what not to do. How I don’t want to make people feel.
I don’t want the people I love to have to keep guessing. I want to be able to talk to them, equal to equal, without them feeling like I’m preaching or teaching. I want the people I love to know how special they are, each in their own unique way. That they are valued for who they are, each single person. I don’t want anyone to have to feel like they are last in a line, far behind others.
I make it sound like I don’t like this man. But I do. Somehow, and in some way, I love the guy. And I don’t like that I do.
Well, the last two months of 2010 turned out to be a huge learning experience. Having let go of the reins, it sometimes felt like my heart would burst. And sometimes I did express these emotions for the people targeted by them. For the first time I expressed my love for a woman, Alex, a woman who was one of my closest friends. Still is. And somehow, after many strange turns, I found myself in a relationship that consists of three people instead of two. And it feels RIGHT! There’s nothing wrong or strange with it. We all compliment each other. Alex and Joel have a larger need for company than I do, and since they get along splendidly on their own it frees me up to retreat into my own little bubble when I feel I need to. And even if they spend more time with each other than with me, I don’t feel left out. Because I know that I’m always welcome.
I can say that I love them, even though I still love my ex. I can say that I love them even with another man who I’ve also loved for years, though I’ve never told him. I can say that I love them, even with an initial crush on a man I met during the holidays, that I’m immensely curious about and want to learn more about. I can say this now, after having stopped trying to put labels on my emotions. I don’t question myself about this anymore, I don’t try to figure out what kind of love is what, or if one love is larger or more important than others. Isn’t it enough that I feel love? That I value someone for their personality, and that I’m attracted to them physically?
I can’t say I know how things will turn out in the future. Come summer, Alex, Joel and I will go back to separate parts of the country, where we come from. All we know we have is what remains of this school year. After that it’s anyone’s guess. But sometimes ones path will lead us away from each other just as fast as it led us to each other.
While things are going well, it's not without problems. Every form of relationship has its problems, every way of life has its problems. Polyamory - in whatever form it might be in - also has problems. For me, it's mainly in my attempts to make others understand. And I have to admit that my own fears play a major part in that. I'm still afraid to be seen as weird, or a slut, or untrustworthy, or what have you. I'm afraid that people won't understand, so I'm scared to talk about this. I'm getting better at it, though, after having made a conscious effort to force myself to talk about it.
Then there's the practical thing. Time. It's not too bad right now. I have Alex and Joel, and these two are the ones I give most of my time to. But this is mainly because the other ones that I can say that I'm in love with, or have a crush on, lives far away. If they lived nearby, and if I had relationships with them as well, I honestly don't know how I could have divided my time without anyone feeling neglected. This is what I see with Morgan - the polyamorous man next door. He's always busy, always hanging with different girls, and yes, he does make me feel neglected. And this is without me having expectations, mind you. I truly don't. But I have emotions and wishes. The two does collide, at times. Knowing and feeling isn't the same thing.
Even though I do try to act on my feelings more these days, there's still times when I don't. Fairly often in fact. Still. Because there are those with whom it simply would not work. Acting on any warmer emotions then would only be selfish, and lead to pain for both involved. And I don't need to tell everyone I happen to fall for. Emotions in themselves are rewarding enough, and friendship is still the most important thing of all. If I fall for someone, and can spend time with them as a friend, then I'm good. Physical attraction is just physical attraction. In ways it's important, but not that important.
I feel like I'm rambling now. There's still more to say on the subject, and I will most likely come back to it at another time. But for now this is enough.
I will leave this entry open. I won't lock it, and I won't screen comments. Hello world, this is me. I'm not going to hide anymore. If anyone has questions, feel free to ask. In fact, I'd be glad to receive questions. Because questions lead to some sort of answer, and maybe even answers I'm unaware that I have.