Alexis' Visit and Cultural Internalism
06.07.07
Dear Diary,
Alexis is with me now. Sitting beside me picking at her nails with a metal filer. My goodness how indescribable it is to have her with me.
You know that she does not even bite her nails anymore?! Is a full-time veggie, well aside from the fish. …… {Alexis said I have to cut out the rest of this paragraph! Boo!}
To be honest, I think I’ll go and read now. Since, as perusual, I have so much to say, and lack the current know how to say it.
The same situations seem to introduce themselves: A little girl asks me for food, after her father literally pushed her to, and I yell at him coarsely. I keep thinking about how SHE MUST HAVE FELT. How I felt/ would feel if I took a risk and was met with an outrageous outburst. - Of course, the reason for my outburst was obvious. It always is. My reaction had nothing to do with the asking, but with the outrageous guilt of denying. So there foes the anger. The anger of being put in that situation. “That,” of course, meaning a situation where who-I-pretend-to-be and Who-I-Am show-up as drastically different and thusly detrimental to my esteem. So, of course, the outburst is at the father, which I immediately must justify by explaining to Alexis about how fathers use their children to acquire things. How he would probably have eaten the chocolate if I gave it to her. After all, all they were asking for was one piece of chocolate, after I had gorged myself for an entire 4 days.
When did I become so out of touch with the need, the suffering, the desire, of another human being that it became second to my attachment for chocolate? I know it does not matter Who-I-Used-To-Be that in NY I would have given a needy person my food, that I would not have yelled at someone who found themselves in a position where they felt inclined to ask for something. That it just matters Who-I-Want-To-Be. Now. But I know it is not a person who would yell as I did. Regardless of justification. My goodness my Ego fights. Still justifying it is. How in NYC they ask when they are homeless when they need. Here they ask as a culture. As sense of entitlement. A question to all muzungus [4]. So giving just promotes that white people give and also supports a culture that strives on handouts. Oh my, how that load of bullshit can be such a valid argument for so many. #1 => it was a fucking piece of chocolate. #2 => one could take the perspective of: well, are they wrong to assume you are rich? Because, you ARE! And this “entitlement” of theirs, (if it even exists) is it wrong? To assume that all people should have roughly the same? or differently, to assume that if you have a lot and live next to many that have little, that you would/ even dare I say, should share?
That is why I think it is so important for PCVs to live at a basic level. Imagine. From a 3rd perspective, like a movie about a provincial village where all houses and families lived a simple basic life and where many were left wanting, and then, move in a family of one individual with many things. Lavish foods. And everyone knows that each evening, they cook their lavish foods while the others all sit around cooking the same small meal they have only ever known. How do you think that movie would go? How should it go?
And that is this reality. Handouts for THIS story would do little to solve a problem sustainably. But while the problem is being solved, do y ou see the circumstance at hand?
A W K W A R D
WELCOME TO PEACE CORPS.
“…..the student who learns that power comes from within, that s/he is weak only because s/he has depended on help from outside….”
“Remember this also: You teach what you have to learn.
It is not necessary to have achieved perfection to speak of perfection.
It is not necessary to have achieved mastery to speak of mastery.
It is not necessary to have achieved the highest level of evolution to speak of the highest level of evolution.
Seek only to be genuine. Strive to be sincere. If you wish to undo all the “damage” you imagine yourself to have done, demonstrate that in your actions. Do what you can do. Then let it rest.”
“Guilt and fear are the only enemies of man. Guilt is the feeling that keeps you stuck in who you are not. Be cautious- be conscious- but do not be fearful. For fear only paralyzes, while consciousness mobilizes.
Be mobilized, not paralyzed.”
Ahhh more to share!... later!
[1] Boza: in Chichewa it means ‘lie’ or ‘liar’
[2] IST: In Service Training (6 month mark of being in country)
[3] like a sorong which almost every village woman wears every single day.
[4] Muzungu: white person. Literally “You-English”