At the heart of the matter
I want to stay online for hours, typing away and getting it all out. I want to stay online for hours because I know this may be the last time. I forget. I forget that having more now doesn't make you want more later. Didn't I learn that last week? That typing it all out now won't make me desire to type less urgent at the moment when it feel urgent. That talking on the phone for longer now, hugging for longer now, won't make me need a hug less next week. lol, my mom and I always joke though. One hug for love. One hug for reserve. Why does my reserve feel almost depleted? Well, that's not true. I have yet to feel anything at all. - Well, that's not true. I feel present. I do feel in the moment. Maybe all of this is me thinking I am SUPPOSE to feel sad? Likely it isn't. During training, when a woman shared about her family, through pictures. I realized I have none of mine. Not one photos of the most important people in my life. Why did I do that? On purpose I suppose. - I have ALWAYS been good at leaving home. See, when I am home I pretend like it does not exist. You can say that I-am-where-I-am, or you can say that I am like a five year old yet to learn the psychology behind "object perminance." Let's see. I choose to believe that it is because I am where I am, present to each moment. Just because that empowers me.
There will be no internet during post service training. None. Oh well.
Towards the end of pre-departure training we had the opportunity to remember our moitivation. I thought I should write about mine. Something to look at when the going gets ruff. or reflect on years from now. Or just because, right now, that's what I need.
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As my departure date approaches, with semblance of sand slipping through my fingers, I find myself reflecting upon my motivation to commit to a two-year volunteer assignment in Zambia. - Despite the fluctuation between my excitement and anxiety, my motivation is the one pillar that does not waiver.
With regards to my personal motivation, it is the "us" and "them" phenomenon that exists in language that I wish to dismantle. When I first learnt of my assignment and shared it with others, often the reaction I received was: "So you will be alone!" One of my personal aspirations will be met when, in a village full of people, I do not consider myself alone.
Landmasses and culture separate us at present, but our histories are all interconnected and our human existance is one. I want to learn about the extensions of myself in a place so different from what I have known, with a pool of knowledgy I have yet to even dip my toe into. I wish to feel akin with them, all the while embracing our differences and learning from them.
I aspire to learn about another way of life. Another way that, to a woman from NYC, appears to be more materially simplistic and richer in meaning. Throughout my life, I have been inundated with material goods: from television, to the Internet, to ridiculously long, warm shouwers, to 27 choices of toothpaste at my disposal. The list could span pages. I would like to know what it is like to live without such lavish excessivsm. I would like to know that I can. I would like to experience not needing. I have the expectation that not needing creates the possibility for true appreciation. I aspire to appreciate, as opposed to resent the inundation of material goods that have blessed my cultural experience here in The United States of America.
Furthermore, I am motivated to work in a way that will address the needs of my Zambian community. My work is for them. I want to use my privilege (as I recognize that I hav eone, while I fall asleep, comfy bed, stomach satisfied) as a tool to "be the change I wish to see in the world." The responsibility is mine.
It is difficult to distinguish my personal motivations from my professional aspirations, as they are intricately intertwined. While applying for Peace Corps I came across the following quotation: "The inability to experience the suffering of another as one's own is what allows such suffering to continue...separation breeds indifference, false superiority. Unity produces compassion, genuine equality." THat being said, a few of my professional aspirations while in Zambia include, understanding and implementing various ways of addressing the healthcare needs of a community as to leave them independently sustainable; enhancing my abilities of communication and working effectively in various settings; and helping the people of my community in meeting their need for trained men and women. How can I live my life knowing that others do not have BASIC needs met? Reall. How can I? Whose responsibility is it to change things if it isn't mine?
Upon my return home, I hope to further my education in either healthcare (possibly by attending medical school) or psychology (through a PhD) while working with the HIV/AIDS and/or pediatric communities.
Therefore, while in Zambia for PC service, I expect and hope that some of my tasks will include..... well, my expectations regarding the next two years are many. My daydreams at this point are abundant, but I dream them all with the realization that I am about to embark on a journey beyond my abilities of predictability. Contrary to my expectations, my aspirations exist regardless of circumstance. And it is within my aspirations, not my expectations that I find my moitvation to commit to a two year Volunteer assignment.
During a time in my life filled with endless uncertainties, the one assurance that I have is that PC service in Zambia will change my life. Exactly how, remains a part of the uncertainty. And I cannot wait to find out!
There will be no internet during post service training. None. Oh well.
Towards the end of pre-departure training we had the opportunity to remember our moitivation. I thought I should write about mine. Something to look at when the going gets ruff. or reflect on years from now. Or just because, right now, that's what I need.
------------------------------------------------------------
As my departure date approaches, with semblance of sand slipping through my fingers, I find myself reflecting upon my motivation to commit to a two-year volunteer assignment in Zambia. - Despite the fluctuation between my excitement and anxiety, my motivation is the one pillar that does not waiver.
With regards to my personal motivation, it is the "us" and "them" phenomenon that exists in language that I wish to dismantle. When I first learnt of my assignment and shared it with others, often the reaction I received was: "So you will be alone!" One of my personal aspirations will be met when, in a village full of people, I do not consider myself alone.
Landmasses and culture separate us at present, but our histories are all interconnected and our human existance is one. I want to learn about the extensions of myself in a place so different from what I have known, with a pool of knowledgy I have yet to even dip my toe into. I wish to feel akin with them, all the while embracing our differences and learning from them.
I aspire to learn about another way of life. Another way that, to a woman from NYC, appears to be more materially simplistic and richer in meaning. Throughout my life, I have been inundated with material goods: from television, to the Internet, to ridiculously long, warm shouwers, to 27 choices of toothpaste at my disposal. The list could span pages. I would like to know what it is like to live without such lavish excessivsm. I would like to know that I can. I would like to experience not needing. I have the expectation that not needing creates the possibility for true appreciation. I aspire to appreciate, as opposed to resent the inundation of material goods that have blessed my cultural experience here in The United States of America.
Furthermore, I am motivated to work in a way that will address the needs of my Zambian community. My work is for them. I want to use my privilege (as I recognize that I hav eone, while I fall asleep, comfy bed, stomach satisfied) as a tool to "be the change I wish to see in the world." The responsibility is mine.
It is difficult to distinguish my personal motivations from my professional aspirations, as they are intricately intertwined. While applying for Peace Corps I came across the following quotation: "The inability to experience the suffering of another as one's own is what allows such suffering to continue...separation breeds indifference, false superiority. Unity produces compassion, genuine equality." THat being said, a few of my professional aspirations while in Zambia include, understanding and implementing various ways of addressing the healthcare needs of a community as to leave them independently sustainable; enhancing my abilities of communication and working effectively in various settings; and helping the people of my community in meeting their need for trained men and women. How can I live my life knowing that others do not have BASIC needs met? Reall. How can I? Whose responsibility is it to change things if it isn't mine?
Upon my return home, I hope to further my education in either healthcare (possibly by attending medical school) or psychology (through a PhD) while working with the HIV/AIDS and/or pediatric communities.
Therefore, while in Zambia for PC service, I expect and hope that some of my tasks will include..... well, my expectations regarding the next two years are many. My daydreams at this point are abundant, but I dream them all with the realization that I am about to embark on a journey beyond my abilities of predictability. Contrary to my expectations, my aspirations exist regardless of circumstance. And it is within my aspirations, not my expectations that I find my moitvation to commit to a two year Volunteer assignment.
During a time in my life filled with endless uncertainties, the one assurance that I have is that PC service in Zambia will change my life. Exactly how, remains a part of the uncertainty. And I cannot wait to find out!