(no subject)
I'm tired of placing blame when it's everywhere and nowhere. He won't speak to me again, and I think...maybe that's okay with me. I want him to be happy more than anything.
I'm tired of trying to come up with an answer that fits, when the answer was there all along.
Brian and I, simply are not in the same mindset when it comes to dating and relationships. We had different ideas.
I didn't want to date anyone else, and he did. No way that was going to work.
I can't separate my emotions from sex with him. It was, everything I asked for and more. HE was everything I asked for, with the exception that he didn't have the same sort of commitment as I had to him.
Which I needed from him.
I don't know if it was too soon, or if I was trying to move to fast into something long term....
I probably was. It doesn't matter at this point.
Still, you can't help who you love. Who drives your very soul into this crazy ride of happiness and pain. And he did that. He, without trying or even knowing that he did. Broadened the horizon and strengthened me. Motivated me. I'm not even remotely the person I was before meeting him.
So very unhappy. No hope, no light.
He was that light, and I want him to know that. Please know that and accept my thanks for everything you did for me.
So, in ending. If he never speaks to me again, I will understand. I know what I did. I accept this shut out. Not fully, because I will always want him in my life, somehow. I guess this is all I get, livejournal entries and his screenname left to haunt me.
I am so afraid to talk to him online. I feel so ashamed.
I really fucked up.
I don't blame Chloe, this isn't her fault. I brought drama even when I didn't want to. I'm still upset that my own friend involved himself in something that was not his business. Still, I trusted the wrong person with my feelings. I should have come to Brian, and handled the issue with him. Period, end of the story.
It doesn't matter what he did, because what I did made it worse.
Brian set the standard pretty high, I don't know if I'll find someone quite as awesome for awhile.
Luckily I like a challenge.
I'm tired of trying to come up with an answer that fits, when the answer was there all along.
Brian and I, simply are not in the same mindset when it comes to dating and relationships. We had different ideas.
I didn't want to date anyone else, and he did. No way that was going to work.
I can't separate my emotions from sex with him. It was, everything I asked for and more. HE was everything I asked for, with the exception that he didn't have the same sort of commitment as I had to him.
Which I needed from him.
I don't know if it was too soon, or if I was trying to move to fast into something long term....
I probably was. It doesn't matter at this point.
Still, you can't help who you love. Who drives your very soul into this crazy ride of happiness and pain. And he did that. He, without trying or even knowing that he did. Broadened the horizon and strengthened me. Motivated me. I'm not even remotely the person I was before meeting him.
So very unhappy. No hope, no light.
He was that light, and I want him to know that. Please know that and accept my thanks for everything you did for me.
So, in ending. If he never speaks to me again, I will understand. I know what I did. I accept this shut out. Not fully, because I will always want him in my life, somehow. I guess this is all I get, livejournal entries and his screenname left to haunt me.
I am so afraid to talk to him online. I feel so ashamed.
I really fucked up.
I don't blame Chloe, this isn't her fault. I brought drama even when I didn't want to. I'm still upset that my own friend involved himself in something that was not his business. Still, I trusted the wrong person with my feelings. I should have come to Brian, and handled the issue with him. Period, end of the story.
It doesn't matter what he did, because what I did made it worse.
Brian set the standard pretty high, I don't know if I'll find someone quite as awesome for awhile.
Luckily I like a challenge.