(no subject)
We got in small arguments. One was about my contacting her. Just, wanting to know what was going on. She roused curiousity, and in turn, I got reprimanded for it. From then I just left it alone. Chloe was no longer my concern. At least, I thought she wasn't.
Still the LJ entries about Brian just would not end. "She's still on my nuts" are the words that came from his mouth, the last time I ever saw him for a nice dinner out. I told him I stopped caring about what I read. I stopped letting it get to me.
Should it have gotten to me?
You see, no matter what I did, I felt like I wouldn't win the fight. It was still rigged for me to lose.
And there is still a place for her. So yeah, really unfair. Didn't I say I was all in? I expected the same. I expected to have some claim.
Because of...lack of time on my side, distance from each other, and my situation of not having a vehicle to take me anywhere at anytime....I expected more of a commitment. I didn't expect to see him every week, or to take up all his free time. I didn't want to be a ball and chain. I was not even close to being those things.
I wanted involvement in fun activities out and about. I wanted more conversations about our lives. I wanted counsel for the issues I was having outside of him and I. More communication. More desire to keep up on what was going on in my life. Less short answers to questions I asked him. And though, I could have dealt with not being the only girl he was dating, I wasn't made clear about that. Another wool over my eyes, to everything he was doing.
The same thing didn't work last time so how could it have worked this time? More direct and more open would have worked for us both.
I had gone through this emotional coaster ride, reading LJ entries of his love for someone else. I was there to try to pick up the pieces, and continue with someone I concluded was worth my every effort.
AND STILL I WAS JUST ONE OF WHO KNOWS HOW MANY.
I wasn't special. I was nobody.
How does a girl feel good about that? How can a women feel respected that way?
After all I have done, and after everything that happened. I deserved MORE. Not this little piece. Not, every piece. Just more than what I got.
And I just feel used. I don't regret it, because hey...life goes on and someone is out there for me.
And I'll compare them to Brian. I'll demand they have similar values. At least, all the great qualities I so loved and admired in him. It wasn't hard to fall in love with someone like Brian. Not at all.
I'll always remember my first Dungeons and Dragons game. I'll remember the bookshelf we built together with his brother. Trying to figure out cam bolts and laughing about that when we finally figured it out. I'll remember how worried he was when he awoke to texts about me being stuck out in SF airport, because I passed out on the train the very same night. He never let me live that down. :)
I'll remember the first date we ever had, where he kept looking over at me in the movie theater. Not even acquainted for an hour and we had out first kiss. I'll remember taking him to the only local brewery we had out here, and talking about baseball and my weird restaurant habits I picked up from working with food for the last 10 years.
I'll remember talking by the water here in downtown Antioch and it being too cold so we sat in his car for the rest of the evening. I'll remember meeting Chris and Kelly for the first time and seeing the apartment. How familiar it felt like I had been there before. I'll remember feeling awkward on the third date out when we got ice cream, and the short shorts and high heels I was wearing. That he didn't like so much.
I'll remember things getting hot and heavy on the couch, making out and Chris discovering us there. I'll remember baking him TONS of snickerdoodle cookies. I'll remember New Years Eve, even if he doesn't, lol. I'll remember making a joke about a receding hairline at BrianMas while he was in the drawing booth. I'll remember his cute name for my birthday which also combined my name with the holiday. Janetine's Day will now be the official title.
I'll remember the moment he met most of my close friends and my cousin. How he tried to make a good impression. How he succeeded in doing so. I'll remember his reaction to my meal of his favorite mashed potatoes with brown gravy, steak, and asparagus in a balsamic glaze. He was so excited as to how good it was.
I'll remember his first time cooking with me. The break we took to have sex while it simmered in the kitchen. The way his hands felt all over me. The smile I loved so dearly. The smirks. The sarcastic jokes back and forth. Being called a 14 yr old boy. Saying he must like 14 yr old boys. I'll remember telling him about food on his face, instead of laughing about it. I'll remember accidentally using the rest of his milk in my coffee, and the 50 dollar Bart ticket he bought me. I'll remember the cute thing he said after how sweet I told him buying me that was. "Pfft. Let's not make this a moment, okay? Now where is my kiss?"
"So....who is cute?"
"We are!!!!!"
I'll miss all of this.
I think her and I both have these amazing but different memories with the same man. Could that be a basis for friendship for her and I?
It is a Neverending Story so far, and I became immersed in it. I became a part of it. So her and share pieces of each other. Personal pieces. Nothing like sharing a love of music, or both calling our respective partners Pickle.
It's more than that.
So maybe meeting up for a drink isn't such a bad idea. We doooo deserve it.
I have to get to work now. I came down with something so I feel horrible. Still need the money and my hours are still cut short. :(
Can't wait to relax tomorrow.
Still the LJ entries about Brian just would not end. "She's still on my nuts" are the words that came from his mouth, the last time I ever saw him for a nice dinner out. I told him I stopped caring about what I read. I stopped letting it get to me.
Should it have gotten to me?
You see, no matter what I did, I felt like I wouldn't win the fight. It was still rigged for me to lose.
And there is still a place for her. So yeah, really unfair. Didn't I say I was all in? I expected the same. I expected to have some claim.
Because of...lack of time on my side, distance from each other, and my situation of not having a vehicle to take me anywhere at anytime....I expected more of a commitment. I didn't expect to see him every week, or to take up all his free time. I didn't want to be a ball and chain. I was not even close to being those things.
I wanted involvement in fun activities out and about. I wanted more conversations about our lives. I wanted counsel for the issues I was having outside of him and I. More communication. More desire to keep up on what was going on in my life. Less short answers to questions I asked him. And though, I could have dealt with not being the only girl he was dating, I wasn't made clear about that. Another wool over my eyes, to everything he was doing.
The same thing didn't work last time so how could it have worked this time? More direct and more open would have worked for us both.
I had gone through this emotional coaster ride, reading LJ entries of his love for someone else. I was there to try to pick up the pieces, and continue with someone I concluded was worth my every effort.
AND STILL I WAS JUST ONE OF WHO KNOWS HOW MANY.
I wasn't special. I was nobody.
How does a girl feel good about that? How can a women feel respected that way?
After all I have done, and after everything that happened. I deserved MORE. Not this little piece. Not, every piece. Just more than what I got.
And I just feel used. I don't regret it, because hey...life goes on and someone is out there for me.
And I'll compare them to Brian. I'll demand they have similar values. At least, all the great qualities I so loved and admired in him. It wasn't hard to fall in love with someone like Brian. Not at all.
I'll always remember my first Dungeons and Dragons game. I'll remember the bookshelf we built together with his brother. Trying to figure out cam bolts and laughing about that when we finally figured it out. I'll remember how worried he was when he awoke to texts about me being stuck out in SF airport, because I passed out on the train the very same night. He never let me live that down. :)
I'll remember the first date we ever had, where he kept looking over at me in the movie theater. Not even acquainted for an hour and we had out first kiss. I'll remember taking him to the only local brewery we had out here, and talking about baseball and my weird restaurant habits I picked up from working with food for the last 10 years.
I'll remember talking by the water here in downtown Antioch and it being too cold so we sat in his car for the rest of the evening. I'll remember meeting Chris and Kelly for the first time and seeing the apartment. How familiar it felt like I had been there before. I'll remember feeling awkward on the third date out when we got ice cream, and the short shorts and high heels I was wearing. That he didn't like so much.
I'll remember things getting hot and heavy on the couch, making out and Chris discovering us there. I'll remember baking him TONS of snickerdoodle cookies. I'll remember New Years Eve, even if he doesn't, lol. I'll remember making a joke about a receding hairline at BrianMas while he was in the drawing booth. I'll remember his cute name for my birthday which also combined my name with the holiday. Janetine's Day will now be the official title.
I'll remember the moment he met most of my close friends and my cousin. How he tried to make a good impression. How he succeeded in doing so. I'll remember his reaction to my meal of his favorite mashed potatoes with brown gravy, steak, and asparagus in a balsamic glaze. He was so excited as to how good it was.
I'll remember his first time cooking with me. The break we took to have sex while it simmered in the kitchen. The way his hands felt all over me. The smile I loved so dearly. The smirks. The sarcastic jokes back and forth. Being called a 14 yr old boy. Saying he must like 14 yr old boys. I'll remember telling him about food on his face, instead of laughing about it. I'll remember accidentally using the rest of his milk in my coffee, and the 50 dollar Bart ticket he bought me. I'll remember the cute thing he said after how sweet I told him buying me that was. "Pfft. Let's not make this a moment, okay? Now where is my kiss?"
"So....who is cute?"
"We are!!!!!"
I'll miss all of this.
I think her and I both have these amazing but different memories with the same man. Could that be a basis for friendship for her and I?
It is a Neverending Story so far, and I became immersed in it. I became a part of it. So her and share pieces of each other. Personal pieces. Nothing like sharing a love of music, or both calling our respective partners Pickle.
It's more than that.
So maybe meeting up for a drink isn't such a bad idea. We doooo deserve it.
I have to get to work now. I came down with something so I feel horrible. Still need the money and my hours are still cut short. :(
Can't wait to relax tomorrow.