crystal soul
Story time. I'm pretty bad with these usually. Here is my best shot. It maybe a bit long, I warn you. :)
Very few people know what I go through, or what I've gone through to get to this point of life. With love, friends, and family, and most importantly myself. I don't see why no one can give me...let's say with metaphor...a sturdy bookshelf to hold my books. My stories and secrets need telling. Read with an open mind.
I tried to kill my cousin Tiffany once. I was 11, and my parents at the time where on the verge of divorcing. I was a very angry little girl, and though I first thought her as a companion, after awhile I didn't want to share anything with her, because she smothered things. My animals. You remember Elvira from Tiny Toons? Well that was her. Smothering and bothering my animals all the time, and it was more than annoying. They hated it, and so did I. I would ask her, time and time again, not to do it, and she never listened to me.
So I snapped like I had with everyone else. Jumped off the top bunk (my brother and I shared a room), and pinned her to the wall she sat against. Started to choke the life out of her, pushing hard against her neck, hearing my brother screaming for me to stop, and wanting nothing more than to have her speak no more. She never shuts up. Still to this day, she won't.
However she was able to get a leg between the two of us, and kick me off of her. My body thrown across the room, and hard against the adjacent door. I sat there, breathing hard as all my energy was drained from the point of rage. My brother at this point was crying, he used to be the more sensitive one. I wasn't so. But I really hated it when he cried, and tried to console him alot. Big sister's do that. He was depressed however, and felt isolated around everyone, even me. I was simply just mad at everything and everyone.
Only after that incident, I started taking it out on myself. Hitting the walls, and banging my head against things. Inflicting upon myself, the anger I felt. After looking at the beast inside me, I decided to keep it muffled, so you could only catch it's sounds when you looked hard enough for it. Sometimes it's loud and reactionary, and other times it's quiet. It hibernates for a long time, even when it's being poked at. Poke, Poke, Poke. Eventually people poke for so long in the same spot over and over, and the beast wakes again.
So I reflect back on this and wonder how, I could find balance in these two. Dark and Light are not without one another. In myself, and in those who surround me. I see both for what they are, and they are beautiful. Each with it's own charm.
A particular B-east inspires me to stand taller. With and not against him.
I noticed rather late, that something I'm doing inspires him too. Needs met before wants...so horrible of me to think I can't inspire or motivate someone to do better. I really wasn't trying for it. So he listens when I have something to say. Why sometimes I can't see this when it's happening, is almost beyond me. The judgments people have made on him, used to infect me with stress.
They don't so much anymore. I fully listen, and accept their knowledge. I still stand tall on the idea that it's my decision to make. What goes on between us, is between us, and though they have their opinions valid to themselves though appreciated, those are only suited to their life choices, and not my own. They are not Janet. They are not Brian. They cannot understand us as a unit. Heck, sometimes even we can't. LOL.
So when I speak more clearly, it's heard like crystal. Fogs are removed, and we are clear. Perfect. I can't argue that one.
<3
Very few people know what I go through, or what I've gone through to get to this point of life. With love, friends, and family, and most importantly myself. I don't see why no one can give me...let's say with metaphor...a sturdy bookshelf to hold my books. My stories and secrets need telling. Read with an open mind.
I tried to kill my cousin Tiffany once. I was 11, and my parents at the time where on the verge of divorcing. I was a very angry little girl, and though I first thought her as a companion, after awhile I didn't want to share anything with her, because she smothered things. My animals. You remember Elvira from Tiny Toons? Well that was her. Smothering and bothering my animals all the time, and it was more than annoying. They hated it, and so did I. I would ask her, time and time again, not to do it, and she never listened to me.
So I snapped like I had with everyone else. Jumped off the top bunk (my brother and I shared a room), and pinned her to the wall she sat against. Started to choke the life out of her, pushing hard against her neck, hearing my brother screaming for me to stop, and wanting nothing more than to have her speak no more. She never shuts up. Still to this day, she won't.
However she was able to get a leg between the two of us, and kick me off of her. My body thrown across the room, and hard against the adjacent door. I sat there, breathing hard as all my energy was drained from the point of rage. My brother at this point was crying, he used to be the more sensitive one. I wasn't so. But I really hated it when he cried, and tried to console him alot. Big sister's do that. He was depressed however, and felt isolated around everyone, even me. I was simply just mad at everything and everyone.
Only after that incident, I started taking it out on myself. Hitting the walls, and banging my head against things. Inflicting upon myself, the anger I felt. After looking at the beast inside me, I decided to keep it muffled, so you could only catch it's sounds when you looked hard enough for it. Sometimes it's loud and reactionary, and other times it's quiet. It hibernates for a long time, even when it's being poked at. Poke, Poke, Poke. Eventually people poke for so long in the same spot over and over, and the beast wakes again.
So I reflect back on this and wonder how, I could find balance in these two. Dark and Light are not without one another. In myself, and in those who surround me. I see both for what they are, and they are beautiful. Each with it's own charm.
A particular B-east inspires me to stand taller. With and not against him.
I noticed rather late, that something I'm doing inspires him too. Needs met before wants...so horrible of me to think I can't inspire or motivate someone to do better. I really wasn't trying for it. So he listens when I have something to say. Why sometimes I can't see this when it's happening, is almost beyond me. The judgments people have made on him, used to infect me with stress.
They don't so much anymore. I fully listen, and accept their knowledge. I still stand tall on the idea that it's my decision to make. What goes on between us, is between us, and though they have their opinions valid to themselves though appreciated, those are only suited to their life choices, and not my own. They are not Janet. They are not Brian. They cannot understand us as a unit. Heck, sometimes even we can't. LOL.
So when I speak more clearly, it's heard like crystal. Fogs are removed, and we are clear. Perfect. I can't argue that one.
<3