Short Attention Span Theater presents:
Figsauce Drama in Ten Minutes:
ACT I
Aragorn: Hi, I'm Aragorn! I guess you're sitting across from me now. You're cute!
Figsauce: Hi, I'm Figsauce. I only took this assignment because it was the lesser of two evils, and I currently hate all men because I'm trying to extricate myself from an abusive relationship, so I will be ignoring you from this moment onwards, and if you talk to me I may kick your balls in.
Aragorn: Tittybiscuits.
Aragorn: I've dressed up as Zorro for Halloween! All the ladies love Zorro! Except for Figsauce, who wants to kick my balls in.
Figsauce: I'll pretend to ignore him even though I think he looks really hot in that. [angst angst angst]
Aragorn: [waves]
Figsauce: [ignore ignore ignore] I go find other guys.
Aragorn: [angst angst angst] I go find other wimmins.
Fucknut: I love you, Figsauce! I always will!
Figsauce: STFU n00b!!!!111
ACT II
Figsauce: Okay--new year, new start. Maybe I won't kick Aragorn's balls in if he talks to me.
Aragorn: Hi. [shields balls]
Figsauce: Hi.
Aragorn: So... do you like... stuff?
Figsauce: Whoa, lookit the time, I'm cuttin' outta here. See you tomorrow!
Aragorn: Wait! Do you have dinner plans?
Figsauce: Actually, I do. Sorry!
Aragorn: Tittybiscuits. [ANGST ANGST ANGST]
Figsauce: Your pirate ninja monkey skills amuse me. Also, you have a nice ass.
Aragorn: Whee! Got dinner plans?
Figsauce: Yes--with you. I saw this coming so far away I'm actually already dressed for a night out.
Aragorn: Works for me!
[dinner and a movie]
Aragorn: Can I kiss you?
Figsauce: Okay.
[they kiss.]
Figsauce: Daaaaaaaamn. You're actually a whole lot hotter than I thought. I'm going to go tell all those other guys to piss off.
Aragorn: Uh, okay. [quiet angst]
Figsauce: What?
Aragorn: Nothing.
Aragorn: ...
Figsauce: What?
Aragorn: Nothing. I'm about to do an insane amount of work over the next two weeks before I travel to India for a month to find myself.
Figsauce: Tittybiscuits. Got any spare time to see me?
Aragorn: Maybe.
Figsauce: [quiet angst]
Figsauce: [waves]
Aragorn: [ignore ignore ignore]
Figsauce: WTF??? [angst angst angst]
Aragorn: Maybe.
[time passes]
Figsauce: Got time to talk?
Aragorn: Maybe.
[time passes]
Figsauce: Call me?
Aragorn: I'll try...
Figsauce: [aside] Something's rotten in Denmark. Did I do something wrong? Why is he avoiding me? WTF? WTF?
Peanut Gallery: He wouldn't blow you off.
Figsauce: Well, I HOPE not! But what's the holdup?
Guys: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Figsauce: Just kidding. But it's too late for that deadbeat Aragorn. He's getting a pocketful of shit if he tries to call now.
[phone rings]
Figsauce: Speak of the devil-
Aragorn: OMG Figsauce I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I didn't know how to tell you that I'm not seeing you exclusively and I should've talked to you about this earlier and I didn't and I feel like I've deceived you... I'm still interested in you and I'm going to try and get my shit together during my vacation and OMG, OMG, OMG.
Figsauce: Chill, bro. It's cool. [is relieved]
Aragorn: Oh. [is relieved]
Figsauce: Have a great vacation! Come back with stories!
Aragorn: Have a happy Lunar New Year! Bye!
Figsauce: Bye!
[hangs up]
Figsauce: Tittybiscuits. Wasn't I going to yell at him? [ponders]
Peanut Gallery: So what are you going to do now?
Figsauce: I... don't know!
TO BE CONTINUED
ACT I
- Scene 1
Aragorn: Hi, I'm Aragorn! I guess you're sitting across from me now. You're cute!
Figsauce: Hi, I'm Figsauce. I only took this assignment because it was the lesser of two evils, and I currently hate all men because I'm trying to extricate myself from an abusive relationship, so I will be ignoring you from this moment onwards, and if you talk to me I may kick your balls in.
Aragorn: Tittybiscuits.
- Scene 2
Aragorn: I've dressed up as Zorro for Halloween! All the ladies love Zorro! Except for Figsauce, who wants to kick my balls in.
Figsauce: I'll pretend to ignore him even though I think he looks really hot in that. [angst angst angst]
- Scene 3
Aragorn: [waves]
Figsauce: [ignore ignore ignore] I go find other guys.
Aragorn: [angst angst angst] I go find other wimmins.
Fucknut: I love you, Figsauce! I always will!
Figsauce: STFU n00b!!!!111
ACT II
- Scene 1
Figsauce: Okay--new year, new start. Maybe I won't kick Aragorn's balls in if he talks to me.
Aragorn: Hi. [shields balls]
Figsauce: Hi.
Aragorn: So... do you like... stuff?
Figsauce: Whoa, lookit the time, I'm cuttin' outta here. See you tomorrow!
Aragorn: Wait! Do you have dinner plans?
Figsauce: Actually, I do. Sorry!
Aragorn: Tittybiscuits. [ANGST ANGST ANGST]
- Scene 2
Figsauce: Your pirate ninja monkey skills amuse me. Also, you have a nice ass.
Aragorn: Whee! Got dinner plans?
Figsauce: Yes--with you. I saw this coming so far away I'm actually already dressed for a night out.
Aragorn: Works for me!
[dinner and a movie]
Aragorn: Can I kiss you?
Figsauce: Okay.
[they kiss.]
Figsauce: Daaaaaaaamn. You're actually a whole lot hotter than I thought. I'm going to go tell all those other guys to piss off.
Aragorn: Uh, okay. [quiet angst]
Figsauce: What?
Aragorn: Nothing.
- Scene 3
Aragorn: ...
Figsauce: What?
Aragorn: Nothing. I'm about to do an insane amount of work over the next two weeks before I travel to India for a month to find myself.
Figsauce: Tittybiscuits. Got any spare time to see me?
Aragorn: Maybe.
Figsauce: [quiet angst]
- Scene 4
Figsauce: [waves]
Aragorn: [ignore ignore ignore]
Figsauce: WTF??? [angst angst angst]
- Scene 5
Aragorn: Maybe.
[time passes]
Figsauce: Got time to talk?
Aragorn: Maybe.
[time passes]
Figsauce: Call me?
Aragorn: I'll try...
Figsauce: [aside] Something's rotten in Denmark. Did I do something wrong? Why is he avoiding me? WTF? WTF?
Peanut Gallery: He wouldn't blow you off.
Figsauce: Well, I HOPE not! But what's the holdup?
- Scene 6
Guys: NOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Figsauce: Just kidding. But it's too late for that deadbeat Aragorn. He's getting a pocketful of shit if he tries to call now.
[phone rings]
Figsauce: Speak of the devil-
Aragorn: OMG Figsauce I'm sorry. It's not you, it's me. I didn't know how to tell you that I'm not seeing you exclusively and I should've talked to you about this earlier and I didn't and I feel like I've deceived you... I'm still interested in you and I'm going to try and get my shit together during my vacation and OMG, OMG, OMG.
Figsauce: Chill, bro. It's cool. [is relieved]
Aragorn: Oh. [is relieved]
Figsauce: Have a great vacation! Come back with stories!
Aragorn: Have a happy Lunar New Year! Bye!
Figsauce: Bye!
[hangs up]
Figsauce: Tittybiscuits. Wasn't I going to yell at him? [ponders]
Peanut Gallery: So what are you going to do now?
Figsauce: I... don't know!
TO BE CONTINUED