Hey you guys!!
Wow, well, a lot has happened in the last couple of days...I figures out that not everything is going to work out as you hope to even if it includes family...thanks Karina for helping me in my desperate moment...and i realized that even if you feel alone in the most depressing moments, you really aren't alone...i figured that out this weekend and this week when i was going to do something really stupid...I know that i have never told my friends this about me but long ago in my most depressing moments which was in middle school...i was a cutter...i know shocking yes...but since then i haven't done it...and on monday, i was going to cut myself again because of how depressed and how angry i was at my mom and sister and i felt so cornered and so depressed that i was going to cut myself just to try to relieve the pain i had and just feel real pain...I told Willie the next day...and he wasn't that happy...he told me to never do it...because he didn't want anything to happen to me and that i shouldn't torture myself to the stupid shit that they were saying...that if i needed anyone or felt alone that he was there for me anytime to just call him or go over or something but that as long as i didn't think of doing that to myself...he was shocked...that i have gone that far and that i would go that far just because i feel depressed...ok peoples, i'm a CANCER, and it sucks because when we get sentimental, we really get sentimental...that day that my sister and my mom yelled at me, never have i felt so much distrust from them...to hear and realized what they thought i was doing or what was going in my life...first, they thought i was pregnant, also that i' am or was having sex with Willie, that i'm doing drugs...also throwing in my face that i'm changing. that i'm turning into just like Norma...that i'am only thinking of myself and not of them and that i'm not the same with them anymore...first, to make things clear, i'am NOT pregnant, i'am not having sex with Willie, i'am definitely doing drugs, and i can't see why i can't change if i'm growing up...either way it was going to happen, i was going to change because i'm growing up more and more...also my sister is not talking to me and when she does, she only yells at me...the last time she yelled at me she said she was doing it because she loves me and my mom says that i hate them and she said "well excuse me if i don't say fuck you or fucker, but because i don't say that to you makes you better than me. and if you ever want anything well lets see how you get it because with me don't even count on me with anything any more"...ironically, its a long story but to make it short...i never had the support of my sister when i was growing up, and the times that i needed a sister, she kicked me out of my own house because she was mad...when i was about 9 i realized to never count on her for anything...we only really got along after she got married and because she had no friends anymore...and i guess this goes for my family too...which i never had thier support either or love especially...they tried buying it or making it with some gift...when all i really needed was thier love...but i grew up with that...to not really count on them because i wasn't going to need it then...and i felt so depressed that even if i have if i haven't done any of those things that they would believe i would be doing those things....and when i told my friends they are like "what the fuck??"...i just feel that i have to get strong enough to try to maintain my relationship and not let it get destroyed by my family or myself...and to not hurt myself or do anything to myself like that...because i haven't cried so much in so long that i just don't want to cry anymore because they hurt me and let them make me feel bad for being myself...lets see if i can put up a fight