I still love you.
So..Hum..where to start.
How bout I pretend some days that Im ok. and I start to make myself believe that everything IS really great. while other times i really stop and think about how I feel. and Im like man..its amazing how screwed up I made things. I hate sitting still now cuz i think to much bout who I've become and how i've let myself down and Im not sure wht it will take to really get back to how things were. Some days im sooooo incredible happy and everythings great and im "in love"....I think... and other days Im miserable and I cant shake certain feelings. In doubtful bout God and everything that i use to believe and live out. I know its not real and i realize that most of it is just the devil but I cant ignore that feeling of how real it all feels. Im more happy right now doing what I WANT to do. Am I REALLY..truly happy. no. But my selfishness is. I dunno. I dont know why im typing this all out to SHARE w/ EVERYONE. cuz its GGAAY lol...but i dunno things are very rollercoaster but i dont want to change. Im to afraid of what it might take. or wht might happen...I know wht I really want to do and thats always been missions i cant describe the feeling I get when I read stories from the mission field and when I see pictures of Africas scenery, and pictures of little African kids holding missionaries hands and just how sweet the kids are and just how diff. the culture is...theres just SO much to go & see and do and i KNOW that one day I WILL go and do it all if I stick w/ God. But the other half of me would be just happy if I just settled down and took care of the man i love. i would love to play the homemaker role..thats a PART of me.. but the other part is independant and wants to travel and aches literally aches for adventure and experience that some people will never be able to experience. I dunno. im very torn between GREATNESS..and mediocracy. weird huh. amazing what one person could do in your life. humm.. He says "I want all of you.." what he doesnt realize is for that to happen I would have to take all of me away from someone else. I have begun to little by little and then I go back and forth..back and forth.
I DUNNO. I know that sometimes it feels like its NEVER over. We might get in a fight or w/e and i'll be like yep..this is it I guess. but then NOPE..its NEVER over. no matter what..neither one of us can just be like W/E!! THIS IS OVER! and then i dunno..would I still want to go back to the Lord? Id feel like it was forced. ya know. and even then no matter what I do i seem to keep on betraying Him w/ a kiss. In my mind and how I picture it, its a dramatic story of romance and of choosing which is more important. I still wonder how things would be now if I would have never met him..NEVER IN A MILLION yrs did i think me meeting him would turn up to be NETHING near this. I did NOT call him for a relationship. i called to see if he had more questions on Christianity and to see how he was feeling and how he just WAS IN GENERAL! yea I thought he was cute and I kind of missed him after like a week went by after our 1st meeting.. but if someone would have come up to me right in that moment and told me he is going to be THIS to u....and tell me everything in the future that he would represent and change in my life..I would have laughed and been like NO FREAKING WAY! lol..I dunno. OK W/E IM DONE!
How bout I pretend some days that Im ok. and I start to make myself believe that everything IS really great. while other times i really stop and think about how I feel. and Im like man..its amazing how screwed up I made things. I hate sitting still now cuz i think to much bout who I've become and how i've let myself down and Im not sure wht it will take to really get back to how things were. Some days im sooooo incredible happy and everythings great and im "in love"....I think... and other days Im miserable and I cant shake certain feelings. In doubtful bout God and everything that i use to believe and live out. I know its not real and i realize that most of it is just the devil but I cant ignore that feeling of how real it all feels. Im more happy right now doing what I WANT to do. Am I REALLY..truly happy. no. But my selfishness is. I dunno. I dont know why im typing this all out to SHARE w/ EVERYONE. cuz its GGAAY lol...but i dunno things are very rollercoaster but i dont want to change. Im to afraid of what it might take. or wht might happen...I know wht I really want to do and thats always been missions i cant describe the feeling I get when I read stories from the mission field and when I see pictures of Africas scenery, and pictures of little African kids holding missionaries hands and just how sweet the kids are and just how diff. the culture is...theres just SO much to go & see and do and i KNOW that one day I WILL go and do it all if I stick w/ God. But the other half of me would be just happy if I just settled down and took care of the man i love. i would love to play the homemaker role..thats a PART of me.. but the other part is independant and wants to travel and aches literally aches for adventure and experience that some people will never be able to experience. I dunno. im very torn between GREATNESS..and mediocracy. weird huh. amazing what one person could do in your life. humm.. He says "I want all of you.." what he doesnt realize is for that to happen I would have to take all of me away from someone else. I have begun to little by little and then I go back and forth..back and forth.
I DUNNO. I know that sometimes it feels like its NEVER over. We might get in a fight or w/e and i'll be like yep..this is it I guess. but then NOPE..its NEVER over. no matter what..neither one of us can just be like W/E!! THIS IS OVER! and then i dunno..would I still want to go back to the Lord? Id feel like it was forced. ya know. and even then no matter what I do i seem to keep on betraying Him w/ a kiss. In my mind and how I picture it, its a dramatic story of romance and of choosing which is more important. I still wonder how things would be now if I would have never met him..NEVER IN A MILLION yrs did i think me meeting him would turn up to be NETHING near this. I did NOT call him for a relationship. i called to see if he had more questions on Christianity and to see how he was feeling and how he just WAS IN GENERAL! yea I thought he was cute and I kind of missed him after like a week went by after our 1st meeting.. but if someone would have come up to me right in that moment and told me he is going to be THIS to u....and tell me everything in the future that he would represent and change in my life..I would have laughed and been like NO FREAKING WAY! lol..I dunno. OK W/E IM DONE!