dont know what in the hell to do...
i was talkin with sonia the other night... well last night, ne ways, we were talkin about the airforce. and i told her that i decided that i wanted to join instead of her so that it wont feel like im depending on her and shes takin care of me. and we will be able to live our own life together and start a family when the time comes. we will have our own responsiblilty and own house or whatever. we can live on our own. and i can get the hell up outta this shit hole im livin in because obviously no one wants me here. not even my lil sister. so i was thinkin about the idea of me being in the air force.... and i started to like it, or accept it, whichever you prefer. ne ways, i was thinkin that i could buy stuff and have my own house to put furniture and stuff in. i was just thinkin about what i would be able to do cuz it would all be mine and sonia's decision. there would be no parents to disagree or say that its a bad idea, or to criticize us. it started to seem like an okay idea. but i just got off the phone with my grandma and i asked her what she would think if i enlisted. she said that it was a bad idea and that i shouldnt do it cuz i would get deployed and shes worried about me gettin hurt or killed. she said that she wants to see me go to college and get a nice job and provide, like my rich uncle. and i told her that i wanted to move out cuz im tired of livin here and its like i have no family and im not wanted. she said that my mom is just being a bitch and that shes being like that cuz shes not happy with her life and she wants to make me miserable too. and grandma said that mom is always threatenin to kick me out as a way to "motivate" me.... nothin like a little negative reinforcement to make you feel like your loved, right? so right now im really confused and i cant talk to sonia about it cuz shes somewhere with the family and i dont really want to bother her. and even if i did talk to her... what the hell would i say? grandma says that i shouldnt do it, so im not? that would be really fucked up, considering i all but told sonia that i was goin to enlist. i told sonia to hold off on takin her asvab because i was gonna go see a recruiter. im really confused and dont know what in the hell to do, i dont want to disappoint my grandparents because they have high aspirations for me... kinda like i used to have for myself. used to see myself being some high paid computer geek with an easy life. but thats a long way away from here. may never happen. ne ways, i dont know what in the hell to do or say to anyone. i dont know if i wanna do it or not. i mean, i wanna do it, but i dont want to push my grandparents away from me and disappoint them. and at the same time i want my own life as soon as i can grab ahold of it. and now i think sonia is gettin really annoyed with me always changin my mind and stuff
i want to do it cuz... i want to. a few people that i have told today have said that sonia is talkin me into doin it... but thats not the way it is. even my grandma said it... and thats not the way it is. i want to do it cuz i want to take care of sonia and i want to have my own life to live where i can make all of my own decisions. i will admit that i hated the idea of joining the military. it was like a last ditch effort for me. it always seemed like the next best thing because i always thought of myself being "independent" in a sense that the military wouldnt be there to take care of me. i would have my own insurance and health care, have my own place to live and all that good shit. but... thats a lot of work, and i see that now. hell, its hard enough just to move up out of this damned house im stuck in. i dont want this ne more. i want to leave. im still goin to keep in touch with my family, and im gonna call my grandparents like every week to let them know im ok. ill always be there for christmas and thanksgiving, send cards and presents on birthdays.......
i just wish i could do this without havin to "hurt" anyone. i dont want to ruffle ne ones feather, dissapoint, or otherwise upset some one. im mainly talkin about my grandparents. they want the best for me because they see me as such a successful and smart person, which i am when i want to be. and they are afraid for me. when i brought it up before with my grandpa, first thing outta his mouth was about how young guys go over there and get killed all the time.
i dont know what to do. i wish i did. and i feel like im being such a burden to sonia, and that im holdin her back from what she wants to do in life. and at the same time, if she joins the airforce, i feel like im gonna be depending on her for my essentials, and that im still gonna be a burden. im so damned confused and its really upsettin me and depressing me. im gonna go now so i can get something to eat and im gonna play a game to try and clear my head. thank you to those of you that read this, and thanks again to those who actually comment. bye for now... and hopefully i can figure out what i want to do.
i want to do it cuz... i want to. a few people that i have told today have said that sonia is talkin me into doin it... but thats not the way it is. even my grandma said it... and thats not the way it is. i want to do it cuz i want to take care of sonia and i want to have my own life to live where i can make all of my own decisions. i will admit that i hated the idea of joining the military. it was like a last ditch effort for me. it always seemed like the next best thing because i always thought of myself being "independent" in a sense that the military wouldnt be there to take care of me. i would have my own insurance and health care, have my own place to live and all that good shit. but... thats a lot of work, and i see that now. hell, its hard enough just to move up out of this damned house im stuck in. i dont want this ne more. i want to leave. im still goin to keep in touch with my family, and im gonna call my grandparents like every week to let them know im ok. ill always be there for christmas and thanksgiving, send cards and presents on birthdays.......
i just wish i could do this without havin to "hurt" anyone. i dont want to ruffle ne ones feather, dissapoint, or otherwise upset some one. im mainly talkin about my grandparents. they want the best for me because they see me as such a successful and smart person, which i am when i want to be. and they are afraid for me. when i brought it up before with my grandpa, first thing outta his mouth was about how young guys go over there and get killed all the time.
i dont know what to do. i wish i did. and i feel like im being such a burden to sonia, and that im holdin her back from what she wants to do in life. and at the same time, if she joins the airforce, i feel like im gonna be depending on her for my essentials, and that im still gonna be a burden. im so damned confused and its really upsettin me and depressing me. im gonna go now so i can get something to eat and im gonna play a game to try and clear my head. thank you to those of you that read this, and thanks again to those who actually comment. bye for now... and hopefully i can figure out what i want to do.