Secret Whispers ~ Chapter Seventeen | part one
Title: Secret Whispers
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: AKame; RyoKame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to found out.
A/N: Sorry for the long break, exams and graduation knocking on the door, so less time to beta the story >_< but finally it's finished this chapter and... the truth is revealed! I hope you'll enjoy ^^
A/N1: The lyrics used in this chapter are from Come back to me sung by Akon.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious One
Fifteenth song ~ Never Again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
Chapter Seventeen
Seventeenth Song ~ Murasaki
You have someone else
But we still met, right?
The closer I get to you
The further away you seem to be.
Sometimes… we make mistakes. And sometimes we pay for them more than we deserve, but we don’t argue with fate because we know that we are guilty and that we should receive this punishment and even more - a lot more than the people that we’ve made suffer with our stubbornness and arrogance that we always know what’s right and that we are the masters of our lives.
Sometimes… we make mistakes.
But we are too stupid to even realize what we’re doing wrong.
For a moment Kazuya stood motionless, staring in the crying night towards the place Jin had thrown their rings. How did they get to this point? Why did they let things reach this stage? Why wasn’t their love simple like it should have been? Kazuya stifled a sob before he ran up to his building’s entrance, slipping his electronic pass into the machine to grant him access inside. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to curse this fate, to throw everything away - just like he had done tonight with his heart.
He loved Jin more than anyone, he needed Jin in his life more than he wanted to admit. Yet, the past kept knocking at his door and he couldn’t allow himself to be played like that again. He didn’t want to love again and not be loved in exchange. Despite starting to have doubts, he still couldn’t trust Jin completely.
By the time he got to his apartment, Kazuya was crying uncontrollably, tonight’s events getting to him like some broken record. He slid inside the house and with heavy steps and heart, he headed towards his bedroom and went straight to his wardrobe, from where he took out a box. With trembling hands, he opened it and inside lied the presents Jin had given to him during their relationship. But what was more important was his red turtle.
Jin’s symbol of them being together - aka and kame, red and turtle. In his silliness, Jin had brought them together in just a toy which had meant for Kazuya more than anything expensive Jin could have given him. Yet now… they weren’t together anymore. They meant nothing.
Kazuya took the turtle and climbed wet in the bed, gathering the turtle at his chest and crying his heart out. If he had slept just a little more back then, if he had not woken up that early in the morning after they had made love… they would have still been together now. Funny how he was now willing to accept all the lies Jin had told him, just to be together again. Because had it not been for that fatidic morning, they would have still been in love, he would have still been by Jin’s side.
But all had started and had ended with that morning - this was the naked truth.
*
Sleep had been slowly drifting away from Kazuya’s body and the younger had opened his eyes, stretching himself like a cat. Only that it hurt a bit and he winced in pain. But Kazuya was smiling. He wasn’t minding the pain, not after knowing what bliss it had brought to his heart. The younger curled back on his spot and bit back a chuckle of happiness.
He had made love with Jin. For painful but pleasurable moments, they had been deeply connected and Kazuya realized once more just how much he had fallen for Jin. He had never thought it possible, he had never even thought that he’ll love a man and that he’ll wish they’d be forever like this. In fact, he had never believed in forever. But Jin brought a new light in his life and gave meaning to forever.
Because they were great together and Kazuya couldn’t ask for more. He loved Jin and Jin loved him back. He was sure of this and their night together just proved it again. He knew before and realized it once more that his place was in Jin’s arms. For once, he found something special and he was never going to let it go.
Kazuya turned around to find Jin sleeping but the empty place left him frowning. He stood up and looked around. “Jin?” he called out softly but as no answer came, he decided to search for his lover. After all, it was a miracle that Jin had managed to wake up by himself and on top, before Kazuya. But miracles do happen and them being together was one. The younger winced again as he climbed off the bed, feeling his body both relaxed and sore in the same time. He took his boxers and jeans on, having a giddy feeling that Jin might want them stripped off as soon as possible. Kazuya thought he might not even refuse this.
So, he opened the door slowly and moving the same, his eyes surveyed the living, but no trace of Jin. He shrugged and went to the kitchen, guessing that the older one had to be there or… For a moment, Kazuya felt lost. Apparently without Jin he was like this - lost and disoriented. But Jin will always be by his side, they will be together even if it was America or Japan. So he headed to the kitchen, his feet making no sound as he was still hurting a bit in his lower body part, so he moved carefully.
But a mocking and well known voice stopped him before opening the kitchen’s door. Kazuya frowned. Did someone come by so early in the morning? He asked himself and pondered whether he should stay there unnoticed or to enter the kitchen and say hello. But if he did the latter, then whoever was on the other side would look suspiciously at him. As he was deciding on this though, his name was said and Kazuya’s ears perked up. And something about what that voice said felt familiar and made Kazuya feel uneasy. Contrarily to his principles, he drew closer to the kitchen’s door, pressing his ear against it. And what he heard next made his insides turn into an ice cube. No, an iceberg, because he surely didn’t feel alive right now.
“To tell you that he’s just a fuck? Okay, I admit that.” A voice said which had Kazuya rooted to his spot in front of the door. It couldn’t be… “Since the first moment I saw him, I thought that he’s fucking beautiful and it annoyed me so I started to pick a fight with him. It didn’t take me long to realize that I actually like him and that I want him in my bed, to hear him moaning my name, especially when he seemed to answer so well to my touches.” It continued and all Kazuya knew was that he needed to leave that place immediately, he had to leave, he needed to. “I approached him and I considered him to be just as one of those girls I’ve always dated, ended up fucking them and then leaving them…”
It was Jin’s voice, Kazuya was sure, and the fact that it had been his lover’s voice only made things worst. He didn’t even realize when he returned to Jin’s bedroom or when he fully dressed and gathered all of his belongings. He just realized that he had been staring at the bed where he and Jin had made love, where he had given all of himself. And where it never even mattered. Not for Jin - this never mattered. Kazuya had been fooled from the start, had believed the words of a liar, had forgotten about himself just because of Jin. He had allowed himself to be deceived and turned into something he had never even wanted from the beginning. And now all he was left with was the pain he had to deal with from now on.
But even if his mind was being logical, his heart was refusing to believe that everything up till now had been a lie. And as stubborn as it will get, the words Jin said sounded even louder in his head. Kazuya looked at the burn out candles that were still forming Jin’s name. He remembered the feelings he had when he had done this, how his heart had raced filled with love for the one he was doing such a thing. And for what use? For whom had he truly been doing all this?
A smiled and a tear met on Kazuya’s face. In the end, their love was like the burn out candles in front of him. In just one night, it had ceased to glow and had reduced itself to just painful memories. Kazuya turned away and exited Jin’s bedroom where the proof of his stupidity had impregnated itself. He walked through the living, cursing silently the soft touch of the petals that had formed last night the path for Jin to Kazuya. With his heart ripped in pieces, his love burnt out, the younger got to the main door, the pain numbing his body and brain. He never looked back as he opened the door and stepped out of Jin’s apartment, but as he closed it, his eyes that looked towards a tomorrow without Jin were void of any emotions.
In the end, forever can end today or tomorrow. For him and Jin, forever was yesterday. It was never meant to be.
*
Kazuya grabbed tighter the red turtle, muffling his sobs and his sounds of crying and letting out the pain he was still feeling. After three years and he was still hurting, his heart was still bleeding and his brain still refused to let go. And how could he let go? How could he do such a thing when Jin had stormed back into his life like he had done the first time? How could he when he loved Jin as much as he did in the past and now, he was probably loving him even more? No… he couldn’t let go, he wasn’t capable of that anymore.
But neither could he let Jin be again in his life. Because Kazuya had lost his faith in Jin since that fatidic morning. If he had been just a play for the actor back then, who could assure him that Jin’s words and promises from now were true and not some lies like before? The answer was no one. No one could tell him for sure that Jin cared for him like he was, no one could make him feel safe and that his heart won’t be thrown away if he gave it once more.
And besides… there was Ryo. The one who had helped him through all this pain, the one who had come to his rescue, the one that had made him feel once more alive and safe. He couldn’t betray such a person, he couldn’t do this to Ryo. Even if he had done already too much…
*
He was walking like there was no end. He wasn’t aware of anything but his own pain, nothing mattered anymore. He felt desolated, lost and why not, dead. After all his precautions, after all his insecurities… he had given himself to the person who had thrown him aside, who had used him. He will never forgive Jin, he will never forget what he had done to him.
His love for him hadn’t ended, but it wasn’t a reason for joy anymore. It was a reason for hate, for despise and disgust. And not only for Jin, but for himself too. Because it was his fault too. He had trusted Jin too soon, he had given in too early and now he was paying the consequences. How stupid of him. Now… his life held no meaning because Jin had stolen it away. Everything was crushing around him, everything was burnt and there was nothing left. He had been betrayed, he had been ripped apart.
Kazuya wasn’t crying as he walked forward, his legs moving without having a certain direction. He didn’t have why to cry and he looked like someone had taken life away from him, had left him alone and bare. Aimless walking, forward looking… Kazuya wasn’t feeling anything except a great cold and a pain beyond his control. He will never be able to forget or forgive.
Beep. Beep.
The sound coming from his pocket woke him a little. He stopped and with lethargic moves, he took out his pager, the one director Nishikido had given to him in case of emergencies. He didn’t see the message at first, but his heart clenched tightly as the memory of Jin taking him to meet the director suddenly popped inside his mind. Why did everything seem so far away? Why was he feeling like all that had happened between him and Jin had been a long time ago?
Kamenashi, where are you?
The message kept blinking in front of his eyes and the younger one’s hands shook a little. He lifted his head and slowly looked around him. He didn’t know why Ryo was looking for him at this hour… but he had no reason not to reply to him. In a way, he wanted someone to find him.
I’m at the station.
He dragged his feet to a bench, sitting down and looking at the people walking hurriedly in front of him. Nothing made sense anymore. Why did this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t he be one of those normal people who fell in love and had a great romance? Why did he have to be the one betrayed and on top… in love with a man? Why the hell did he even let Jin enter in his life?! Why couldn’t he have fought back every attempt of Jin to win him over? Why, why, why?
Because in a way, he had wanted to know Jin better. He wanted to be near him, he wanted to hear him, to touch him. As forbidden as Jin was, Kazuya wanted him the most. As intriguing as Jin was, he yearned for him even more. And maybe he had known from the beginning where all this would lead. But he had allowed himself to fall in love, he had allowed himself to believe that maybe there was hope for this wrong love of them, that maybe there was a way for them to be together. And God knew how much he wished this! But apparently Jin didn’t, because he had tossed Kazuya away without even sparing one breath. In the end, Kazuya meant nothing to him.
Stay there, I’m on my way.
Kazuya looked at the beeping pager and sighed. He’ll wait, he wasn’t going anywhere any soon now. If he went home, then he’d worry Yuuya and he didn’t want this in the least. He was going to wait until he’ll find no other reason to stay. Kazuya bent and hid his head in his palms, not wanting to hear, feel or see anything. What he was feeling inside right now was tearing him up, was ripping him piece by piece and he was more than aware that no one even cared about this. He himself didn’t care about this anymore. No, why should he? Why should he even cry for a person that had been with him only for the sake of sex? Damn, it would have been better if Jin had said so from the beginning. It would have hurt less now, it wouldn’t have made him feel so weak and lost, so confused and alone.
But Jin had preferred lying to him, had choose words of love over sincere ones and brought him to his bed whispering I love you all along while he hadn’t felt so in the least. Kazuya wanted to shout, wanted to disappear in thin air, wanted to make Jin’s lingering presence vanish from his body and soul. But he couldn’t. Not when he was still loving the bastard or when he was yearning for him even now, knowing what Jin had truly felt for him. God, if he had known, if he had even suspected that all of this would lead to something like this… he would have slept with Jin a long time ago. He would have let him do whatever he wanted, just to not feel this burning feeling inside of him, that was killing him over and over.
A sudden touch on his shoulder had him jolt and look up at Ryo’s face. The director was a bit out of breath, he must have probably run. But why though? It wasn’t like they had anything in common except Jin and work.
“You look like hell.” Ryo remarked as he took a place next to Kazuya, his eyes never leaving the younger one’s pale face.
“Thanks.” Kazuya’s lips curled a bit, but the effort was so big that they dropped again.
“Jin’s looking for you.” Ryo continued after a pause between them. His assistant was looking like something had hit him so hard that he didn’t have the strength to walk anymore.
Upon hearing Jin’s name, Kazuya’s heart clenched and his insides coiled into an ice cube again. So he was right in guessing - Jin had asked Ryo to search for him. How convenient. Better send his friends to look for him, he was too lazy to even do this. Really, with whom had he really fallen in love?
“I’m not with Jin anymore.” Kazuya finally said and as he looked at Ryo he could see the slight surprise on the other’s face.
“Really?” The director asked, his voice being a bit ironic. “That’s not how I see it from Jin’s frantic calls of how he couldn’t find you.” He continued and it was obvious that he was annoyed at his friend’s behavior. And at Kazuya’s behavior too, seeing how he was acting right now.
The boy began chewing on his lower lip, to stop it from trembling. “It’s his problem.” Kazuya replied with a hoarse voice and looked away from Ryo’s distrustful eyes.
“I can’t read minds. If you don’t talk, you can’t be helped, you know?” The director scoffed as he crossed his arms at his chest and continuing looking at his assistant. “I don’t mean to pry in your private matters, but if Jin’s looking like this for you, it means that he’s really worried about you.” Ryo continued with what he wanted to be a gentle voice, not realizing what kind of pain his words were provoking to Kazuya. “You can’t simply run away and say that everything’s over if you haven’t discussed with him. I thought you were smarter than that idiot.” He added, shaking his head at his assistant’s attitude.
“What do you know?” Kazuya growled all of a sudden, turning to look at Ryo, his eyes flashing furiously in tears. “He doesn’t worry about me! He couldn’t possibly worry about a person he just fucked and doesn’t need it anymore!” He continued and his voice rose a bit, drawing the passerby’s attention. “Why does he search for me? To tell me that we’re over? That all he had wanted was sex from me, because I was something new?? No, I don’t want to see him anymore. He’s not worth my time or my words anymore.” Kazuya continued and his tears were falling freely, while his rage and pain were pouring in each word he spat to Ryo. He knew he shouldn’t say all this, he shouldn’t mix Ryo in all this shit, but… he couldn’t stop it anymore. “And you are right! I thought I was brighter, but Jin managed to fool me. He had outrun me and turned me into an idiot that’s helplessly in love with him… But he isn’t. All this time he had only wanted sex.” Kazuya added with a derisive tone, though it was clear how much he was hurt.
Ryo was speechless as he looked at Kazuya crying, not knowing what to do or how to react in such a situation. “Look, I’m sure this is a misunderstanding.” He tried to say, hoping that his words will have some kind of effect because he really sucked at comforting people, especially in matters that really didn’t concern him. “Come back at his apartment and talk to him.” He encouraged the boy, letting his hand fall on Kazuya’s arm to bring him up.
“Misunderstanding my ass!” Kazuya scoffed and wiped away his tears. “I’m not going back to his apartment or anywhere near him. I want him out of my life and there’s no one who can tell me otherwise.” He continued and swatted Ryo’s hand away. “And I’m sorry, Nishikido-san, but for this to happen I will have to quit working for you.” Kazuya looked apologetic at Ryo and bowed deeply, realizing that with Jin everything ended in his life. God, how stupid he had been!
Ryo sighed and rolled his eyes. What had that idiot done now?! “Kamenashi, calm down and explain yourself.” He tried to say with a voice which he hoped to be gentle enough to make him relax. “What had exactly happened? Why do you want to cut any relation with Jin?” he asked, his hand back on the boy’s arm though this time it was in a comforting manner.
“Jin used me as his bed warmer.” Kazuya replied as he looked back to Ryo, his eyes cold and his voice was void of any emotions. “He made me fall for him just to sleep with me. In no time, he’ll find another one and I’ll be forgotten.” He continued and there was something in the way he bit his lower lip, to stop it from trembling. “Why would I want to have any relation with Jin now?” He asked with a derisive tone.
“Kamenashi, I know that Jin is usually a jerk, but he’d never do something like this.” Ryo shook his head, completely denying even the possibility of something like this. “Like I said, talk to him and you’ll see that everything was just a misunderstanding.” He smiled as kindly as he could, looking into Kazuya’s eyes and not liking the pain and suffering that he found there.
Kazuya laughed. “You know what?” He said suddenly, not caring if he was being disrespectful to the person he looked up most to. “I know what I heard and I think I know Jin better in this section. So why don’t you leave me alone and go back to him?” He continued with a half annoyed half pained voice. “I’m fine on my own.”
“Don’t be idiot and tell me the whole story.” Ryo hissed, starting to get annoyed too. “Sorry if I think that I know Jin better, considering that I’ve known him for more then twenty years and you know him only since four months ago.” He continued, a dangerous spark flashing in his eyes. “So start talking. From the beginning.” He specified, not wanting half stories again.
Kazuya threw a glare into Ryo’s direction, not really wanting to talk about this when all was so fresh. “We slept together last night.” He started and it made his heart clench at the so fresh memories of him and Jin together. “Then when I woke up… he was with someone else.” His voice subdued to a whisper. “He said that I was nothing else but someone he wanted to fuck because it annoyed him to be attracted and because I answered so well to his touches.” Kazuya said and bit again on his lower lip, Jin’s words sounding louder and louder in his ears. “If someone had told me this, I would have doubted it… but I was the one to hear this. It hurts worse.” He gave a hollow laugh.
Ryo’s eyes widened and he looked at Kazuya as if he still didn’t believe such a thing. “No, you must have heard wrong…” he said with a half voice, not wanting to trust Kazuya with something like this. Did Jin really do this? But… this didn’t sound like this. It wasn’t the Jin that he knew. But then again, maybe that Jin had disappeared when he had left for America.
“Yeah, my ears suddenly decided to hear that I was the play toy of a celebrity.” Kazuya mocked, trying to look braver than he was, but it was clearly that it wasn’t this way. “I’m sorry.” He then apologized, not even sure for what. “I’m badmouthing your best friend.” He scoffed with a depressed expression as he hid his face into his palms. “But he took everything away from me. I’m even afraid to go back home, to face my brother, to face this situation…” He continued mumbling, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. “I never thought he’d hurt me this much.”
Ryo didn’t say anything and just looked at the boy in pain for a long time. It couldn’t be true. Jin had seemed a little bit changed, but that was normal. After all, they hadn’t met that much for more than five years so things were bound to change. He had been surprised that Jin had actually become more like an adult and knew how to control the situation when it was needed. Though… he had never heard of Jin being with someone more than a month. This had happened before too, when Jin still was in Japan and had difficulties on finding a right person to understand and accept him. But if Jin had become so mature, why hadn’t he found at least one person with whom he could have stayed more than a few weeks?
Something didn’t make sense after all and looking at Kazuya and at how he was trying to hold back his tears and pain, Ryo didn’t have a choice but to believe that he was telling the truth. And if Jin had been the one to say this, then it was no doubt.
Jin had really slept with Kazuya only on a whim.
“You need to calm down first.” The director finally spoke, his eyes looking with understanding at Kazuya. “I’m sure you’ll see things in another light after a few days pass, so maybe it’s better if you go home and think more before deciding that you shouldn’t talk to Jin.” He smiled comfortably, patting the boy’s head and wanting him to understand that Ryo only wanted to help him.
Even if he wasn’t that sure why.
Kazuya shook his head, looking all of a sudden desperate. “No, I won’t change my decision. I don’t want to see Jin anymore, I, I -” his frantic voice crumbled and for the first time, he understood what it meant to still be in the same city as Jin. If Ryo had been searching for him because of Jin, then the actor wouldn’t stop any soon to find him. And he couldn’t go back home where he could worry Yuuya and have Jin come over them. No, he couldn’t afford this. “I’m leaving town.” He said all of a sudden and there was a mad gleam in the brown of his eyes. “I won’t face Jin because it hurts too much.” He continued with the same frantic voice as in the beginning and all of a sudden, he clutched onto Ryo’s hand. “Help me. I need to leave here or… I don’t know what I’ll become in the end. Help me leave this town, I just need to get away… to let time pass.” Kazuya’s eyes bored into Ryo’s, pleading and crying in the same time.
Ryo again studied the boy’s face for a long time before speaking. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice sounding as uncertain as his words were. He didn’t know what to do. He was in the middle of their problems and he felt like he couldn’t leave Kazuya like this. But Jin was his friend and even if he had indeed played with the boy, he was sure that he hadn’t done it with mean intentions.
Kazuya gave a strangled laugh. “It’s the only solution.” He said with a defeated voice. “Look, I just need some money to leave here… I promise to give them back to you as soon as I -” His voice subdued and he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the thought that he might not be able to repay Ryo back. “I don’t know… I’m asking for your help, but I’m just being selfish. But right now, you’re the only one that can keep Jin away from me.” He reopened his eyes and Kazuya looked all but selfish. He was a person wanting to get away from his pain.
For the third time, a deep silence fell between them as Ryo tried to think at what could he do. If he helped Kazuya stay away from Jin for a few days, that meant that he’ll have to also lie to him because he was more than sure that Jin won’t accept that easily that he’s not allowed to see Kazuya. But if the boy didn’t mean that much to Jin, then why was the actor looking for him?
Ryo needed answers. “I won’t allow you to quit your job.” He first said, standing up from the bench and taking one step forward, his back now facing Kazuya. “You’ll remain my assistant because you signed a contract with me and you can’t break it without consequences.” He continued, taking a deep breath before turning around and looking at his employee. “So you’ll leave Japan tomorrow morning to prepare things for when I’ll come in a few days, are we clear?” he asked with an imperious voice, the tone saying that it was an order from his boss and not a request from his friend.
Kazuya looked with big eyes at Ryo. Tears suddenly swelled up in his brown eyes as he nodded fervently. What was Ryo offering to him was more than he could have asked for. “Thank you.” He muttered as he lowered his head and grasped his own hands together. He won’t see Jin anymore.
Somehow, this hurt more than his betrayal.
*
Another day he was going to torture himself with a love he couldn’t let bloom anymore. It was pathetic actually, doing things like this. But it was his only chance to see him, to feel close to him once again, even if he was so far away. It was stupid actually - Jin was the one to have betrayed him and still he was buying tickets to his concerts and going only to a few, not being able to kill the hope that maybe they would stumble upon each other or that maybe Jin will see him in the sea of fans. But such hope was futile and as much as Kazuya liked to believe in fairytales, their love wasn’t as such for a long time.
His eyes looked at the scene where Jin was supposed to appear and surprise everyone with his charismatic aura and wonderful dance moves. He supposed that this live was important for Jin seeing how it was the first time he was concerting in London. They had often talked about how he would love to go and have a European tour, to meet and greet the fans from over there and now… his dream was finally coming true. Despite their failed relationship, Kazuya couldn’t help but feel happy for him and secretly root for such a success.
The lights went down and the loud bass so characteristic to Jin’s music filled the room and fans screamed while Kazuya’s heart simply squeezed. If it hadn’t been for Ryo’s movie, he wouldn’t have been able to see the one he loved performing on a foreign stage. Yes, after a year and a half he was still in love with Jin and there have been many times when he had considered looking for him, going back to him. But pride had stopped him, the pain from that morning still present in his heart. So, without letting himself fooled by his feelings, he had decided to simply watch Jin from afar, to hear his voice only, even if he wasn’t going to feel him again.
It was stupid actually. He had never thought or considered the possibility of being with a guy, let alone to love one, but here he was - unable to let go of a past which kept haunting him, of feelings which kept coming back to him. He had always been so precautious when it came to feelings and relationships, not jumping forward, not leaping ahead before thinking everything properly and through. But with Jin… he had given up all of his precautions, he had let down all of his defenses and he had gotten burnt.
And this was what was stupid - because he had needed one man to come and find him to have him down in just one single morning. Pathetic.
He felt a warm hand squeezing his own and he looked at his brother who smiled at him reassuringly. Yuuya had always accompanied him when he went to Jin’s concerts, saying that he will be there for his older brother, no matter what. Yuuya had been of great help after he had left Tokyo and Jin, although Kazuya was aware that he might have been neglecting his role as the big brother, yet Yuuya had never complained. He had held Kazuya through the nights, had talked with him every time he needed and wanted to share his feelings of anxiety, love and pain… Yuuya had been there for him, no matter what. And now, he was with him again, watching how Jin continued his career, how he showed the world great music and performances and how he lived his life without Kazuya.
“He’s doing great, isn’t he?” He said to his brother who looked from the stage to Kazuya, an understanding expression appearing on his face. But Yuuya didn’t say anything as he simply held the other one’s hand and continued to listen to Jin’s songs. No matter how partying the man seemed to be, to Yuuya he seemed different and it could be seen or felt even in the nuances of his voice while singing. After listening to his brother’s words, he had reached many times at the conclusion that these two needed to talk and see where the truth lied. Because Jin gave him the vibe that he was heart-broken too and if he wasn’t wrong, it was because of Kazuya, because of his departure.
“He’s sad.”Yuuya mumbled as he looked at the screen next to the stage and saw Jin smile and then turn his head to the crowd, his eyes quickly flickering through the audience, making it scream. And this was what made Yuuya believe that Jin was waiting for someone, just like Kazuya was looking for him. Therefore, something in his brother’s story didn’t fit - somewhere in it, a mistake must have occurred.
Both Kamenashi brothers continued to look and listen to Jin’s concerts, different emotions and thoughts passing through their hearts and minds, bringing them closer to the man that was on stage, singing his soul. And almost two hours had passed when the concert headed near its end and Jin announced his new song, dedicated to someone special. Kazuya’s heart stopped in that moment and he looked at Yuuya with scared eyes - was it him?
But Yuuya just smiled, he couldn’t answer this question to his brother, after all, he couldn’t possibly know Jin’s feelings and if he was talking about Kazuya right now. Yet, this certain action had made his doubts about what had Jin said that morning grow a little bit. What if… No, better listen to the song, he’ll discuss it later with his brother.
Going crazy, my heart is breaking,
I can't sleep at all.
Trying to get through this
Don't know how I'll do this,
I know that I only got my self to blame (only got myself to blame),
But that doesn’t help to ease the pain (doesn’t help to ease the pain),
I'll just die if I can't see your face.
Kazuya had his heart beat like in a race, conflicting emotions suffocating him from inside, leaving him with nothing but a burning love and ache. For who were these lyrics, why did Jin wrote them? What was their meaning…?
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside me.
It was him! Yuuya exclaimed in his mind, looking surprised at Jin singing this particular song, wearing the saddest expression ever. This man was singing for Kazuya!!
Now it's morning
You’re still gone and
I still reach for you (still reach for you).
Don't know how to
Live without you,
I will, I can take back all the hurt I've caused
(take back all the hurt I've caused),
If I could give back all the love I lost
(give back all the love I lost),
The price I pay is just too high of a cost yeah.
By the time Jin sang these lyrics, Kazuya was crying silently. He didn’t know why he was crying because chances that this song wasn’t for him were big, after all, a year and a half had passed since they had last seen each other, since he had broken it off with Jin. Maybe he had someone else, maybe he was singing for a woman this time, maybe he had fallen in love again. Kazuya shook his head and he couldn’t ignore the ache in his heart - he didn’t want Jin to be in love with someone else, he didn’t want him to forget about them, about what they had, about him. He was being selfish, but this was how Jin had taught him to love - selfishly, powerfully. And that was why he wished right now these words, these heart-breaking lyrics to be for him.
Until you come back,
I can't breathe.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside, beside, beside, beside me.
The song finished and Kazuya stood up before hearing Jin biding his farewell to the fans, before hearing him thanking to them and maybe come up for encore. Yuuya gave another look to the stage and with a sigh, he went after his brother, thinking that they had to solve this problem once and for all. He caught Kazuya just outside the building, turning him around and seeing his tears. Damn, his brother had been crying too much lately.
“Come here.” Yuuya muttered and pulled Kazuya in his arms, passing soothing hands over his back while he let him pour out his emotions. He didn’t like seeing the other one like this, but he knew that the best solution was to let everything out and not to bottle it inside. Kazuya was a mess right now, but he will be better - love never leaves scars that time can’t conceal.
“H-his last song…” Kazuya hiccupped in his younger brother’s arms, hiding his face. But he didn’t continue, he stopped abruptly, not wanting his wish or hope to be shattered this soon.
Yuuya took a deep breath and pulled back a little, looking at his brother while cupping his wet cheeks. “Kazuya.” He said to him, wearing a serious and gentle expression in the same time. “Let’s go and talk with him.” Yuuya suggested what he was sure will shock his brother, if not make him hysteric.
“No!” The immediate answer was and Kazuya looked fearful and unsettled.
“Kazu, I think there’s more to that morning than what you heard.” Yuuya insisted and held his brother on the spot, as he felt him ready to run if given the occasion. “This song from now was for you, I’m sure. Although I agree with you on everything that he was a jerk to say such words, maybe he had said them in joke. Maybe he truly loves you and he’s now looking for you, hoping to go back to him.” He continued, wanting his brother to get over his fear of the truth and end all of this pointless pain.
“No, I don’t want to go to him. I don’t want to know.” Kazuya shook his head, stubbornly refusing to ascertain something that might make him hurt even more than he was now. Besides, he wasn’t the one to babble like that, therefore he shouldn’t go and ask Jin if it was true he considered him just a plaything. And if he didn’t, then why say this to someone else?! He couldn’t accept him not even now in front of his friends?! No, Kazuya didn’t want to go and ask Jin, making a complete fool of himself.
“Damn it, Kazu! What if this time you’re wrong and Jin still loves you?! Wouldn’t you be a total idiot for letting this opportunity slip and suffer like this alone?” Yuuya snapped a little, angered by his brother’s cowardice and thinking that if it had been him, he would have kicked Jin’s balls in that exact morning for his inconsiderate words. And then he would have knocked his head with that friend of his, but most definitely he wouldn’t have left like Kazuya did.
Yet he understood his brother too. Ever since he was little, Kazuya had been afraid of rejection and ever since their parents had died and some had refused helping them, his older brother had taken pride in helping each other without relying on others, had refused everyone in their lives. If he wasn’t wanted, if he wasn’t need or if he had been fooled, then he wouldn’t linger, he wouldn’t stay to beg for anyone. And Jin hadn’t been his exception, even if he loved him this much. But now Yuuya was close to the certainty that Jin was in love with his brother as well and that he wanted him back in his life and no matter what Kazuya said, he needed Jin in his life too. Yet how could he fight this fear of his brother, this stubbornness that had characterized him over the years, that had helped him through life?
“I don’t want to be his source of amusement.” Kazuya looked away from Yuuya, understanding what the other one meant and that maybe this should have been the right thing to do from the beginning - to confront Jin with the truth. “Ryo had said it himself - Jin never stayed too much in love with someone.” He looked back and there was again that fierce spark of wanting to push himself as further away from Jin. “I have been nothing for him but a simple affair.”
Yuuya stared at his brother with a defeated and disappointed expression. “I thought you were braver, Aniki.” He said sadly and let go of Kazuya as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and started walking off.
“Yuuya, wait!” Kazuya called and ran after his brother, knowing that he had angered him through his actions. But he couldn’t just simply do what Yuuya had asked of him, it was too much and yes, he was the world’s biggest coward ever. He didn’t want to know that Jin had simply liked to play with him because his heart would not take it anymore.“Yuu-chan!” Kazuya whined after the other one who finally stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I’m sorry.” He said as he stopped behind Yuuya, looking at his back. “I’m just not ready. Even if I go to him and talk, I might just end up hurting myself and him in the same time.”
“If you’re not able to fight for the love you have for him, then what use of it?” Yuuya interrupted him harshly, startling Kazuya. “If you’re that afraid of his words, then why not let him go already? Why do you go to his concerts if you do not hope for him to notice you, to come and search for you?!” Yuuya turned around and his eyes were burning angrily. “Kazuya, you might be a coward, but you’re not like this either - a liar. Because if you loved Jin, then you would have forced the truth out of him, not running around and hoping that one day he’ll find you and you’ll be happily ever after!” He continued and Kazuya couldn’t deny the truth in his brother’s words. After all, he was indeed waiting for Jin to find him and make him forget about everything that had happened.
“Look, Kazu, I’m not saying to forgive him for his words, but what I’m saying is to give both of you a chance. To let go of the pain and give a chance to your love for Jin.” Yuuya continued, seeing that his brother was at loss of words, unable to fight him. “Love hurts, Kazuya, and you will not be the first or the last to suffer from it.” He added and brushed the new tears from his brother’s eyes. “Okay, now I’ll go for a walk and then come back later.” Yuuya smiled and Kazuya understood that he was given time to think of what he was supposed to do and to look for Jin while he was there, in London.
Kazuya nodded and sighed, thinking that his brother was going to stay till morning in a bar, letting him take the biggest decision of his life. Too bad it proved to not be the one either of them had expected.
Because that night, Yuuya had died in a car accident.
“Sir Kamenashi?” A voice with British accent asked the moment Kazuya answered the phone in the middle of night and he stood up in his bed, looking around and having this dreadful feeling in his chest.
“Yes?” Kazuya answered in English, somehow wanting to end up this call.
“Are you familiar with Kamenashi Yuuya?” The voice continued and Kazuya felt all of his blood drain from his veins as he got off the bed and quickly went to his brother’s room, to check it. Yuuya hadn’t returned home yet.
“Y-yes.” His own voice quivered this time and he had these cubes of ice in the pit of his stomach while his heart seemed to beat faster and faster, like a hummingbird’s wings.
“There has been a car accident…”
And from here, all Kazuya could recall was a blur of him searching desperately for his brother through the house, not wanting to believe that his little brother had been involved in an accident and that he…he…
No, he had to search for him because that’s what big brothers do - always look out for their younger ones. Yet the cruel reality had sunk in and Kazuya had had to face it, he had had to go to the hospital and see his brother breathing out his last words, his last breath.
“Ka-Kazuya… find Jin a-and ask for the t-truth.” Yuuya had asked of him, while holding his hand, while smiling to him, even if it was painful and it made him bleed. “I love you.” He added and Kazuya held his hand tighter, trying to fight back the tears.
Yuuya hadn’t heard Kazuya’s words of love and reassurance as he had slid into nothingness, finding relief from his pain and every other emotion. That night Kazuya had cried, shouted, cursed everything for what had happened, he had held onto his brother until they had forced him to let go. On that night, he had lost everything he loved the most.
And it had been Ryo who had been there for him, it had been the director anchoring him to reality and not let him drift on the sea of despair, succumbing to his emotions every time he’d recall Yuuya and their memories together.
His brother’s death had made him reach a drastic decision - forget the past.
From that night on, Yuuya and Jin had both died in Kazuya’s heart; it had been his only way to survive the pain.
PART TWO
Authors: aroruae & fighter_of_moon
Pairings: AKame; RyoKame & others along the way
Genre: AU, angst, fluff, drama, smut
Disclaimer: If the boys were ours, you'd be seeing more of them on TV and we'd have them in RL too
Summary: For those who don't give a damn on things like destiny, let me tell you one thing. They are real. And that's what Akanishi Jin was going to found out.
A/N: Sorry for the long break, exams and graduation knocking on the door, so less time to beta the story >_< but finally it's finished this chapter and... the truth is revealed! I hope you'll enjoy ^^
A/N1: The lyrics used in this chapter are from Come back to me sung by Akon.
First song ~ Without notice
Second song ~ Water dance
Third song ~ Our story ~ Prologue
Fourth song ~ Crazy Love
Fifth song ~ Affection
Sixth song ~ I.N.P
Seventh song ~ Miracle
Eigth song ~ Change Ur World
Ninth song ~ She said
Tenth song ~ Sun Burns Down
Eleventh song ~ Love or Like
Twelfth song ~ On my mind
Thirteenth song ~ On your mind - please come back to me
Fourteenth song ~ Precious One
Fifteenth song ~ Never Again
Sixteenth song ~ Blue Tuesday
Chapter Seventeen
Seventeenth Song ~ Murasaki
You have someone else
But we still met, right?
The closer I get to you
The further away you seem to be.
Sometimes… we make mistakes. And sometimes we pay for them more than we deserve, but we don’t argue with fate because we know that we are guilty and that we should receive this punishment and even more - a lot more than the people that we’ve made suffer with our stubbornness and arrogance that we always know what’s right and that we are the masters of our lives.
Sometimes… we make mistakes.
But we are too stupid to even realize what we’re doing wrong.
For a moment Kazuya stood motionless, staring in the crying night towards the place Jin had thrown their rings. How did they get to this point? Why did they let things reach this stage? Why wasn’t their love simple like it should have been? Kazuya stifled a sob before he ran up to his building’s entrance, slipping his electronic pass into the machine to grant him access inside. He wanted to be alone, he wanted to curse this fate, to throw everything away - just like he had done tonight with his heart.
He loved Jin more than anyone, he needed Jin in his life more than he wanted to admit. Yet, the past kept knocking at his door and he couldn’t allow himself to be played like that again. He didn’t want to love again and not be loved in exchange. Despite starting to have doubts, he still couldn’t trust Jin completely.
By the time he got to his apartment, Kazuya was crying uncontrollably, tonight’s events getting to him like some broken record. He slid inside the house and with heavy steps and heart, he headed towards his bedroom and went straight to his wardrobe, from where he took out a box. With trembling hands, he opened it and inside lied the presents Jin had given to him during their relationship. But what was more important was his red turtle.
Jin’s symbol of them being together - aka and kame, red and turtle. In his silliness, Jin had brought them together in just a toy which had meant for Kazuya more than anything expensive Jin could have given him. Yet now… they weren’t together anymore. They meant nothing.
Kazuya took the turtle and climbed wet in the bed, gathering the turtle at his chest and crying his heart out. If he had slept just a little more back then, if he had not woken up that early in the morning after they had made love… they would have still been together now. Funny how he was now willing to accept all the lies Jin had told him, just to be together again. Because had it not been for that fatidic morning, they would have still been in love, he would have still been by Jin’s side.
But all had started and had ended with that morning - this was the naked truth.
*
Sleep had been slowly drifting away from Kazuya’s body and the younger had opened his eyes, stretching himself like a cat. Only that it hurt a bit and he winced in pain. But Kazuya was smiling. He wasn’t minding the pain, not after knowing what bliss it had brought to his heart. The younger curled back on his spot and bit back a chuckle of happiness.
He had made love with Jin. For painful but pleasurable moments, they had been deeply connected and Kazuya realized once more just how much he had fallen for Jin. He had never thought it possible, he had never even thought that he’ll love a man and that he’ll wish they’d be forever like this. In fact, he had never believed in forever. But Jin brought a new light in his life and gave meaning to forever.
Because they were great together and Kazuya couldn’t ask for more. He loved Jin and Jin loved him back. He was sure of this and their night together just proved it again. He knew before and realized it once more that his place was in Jin’s arms. For once, he found something special and he was never going to let it go.
Kazuya turned around to find Jin sleeping but the empty place left him frowning. He stood up and looked around. “Jin?” he called out softly but as no answer came, he decided to search for his lover. After all, it was a miracle that Jin had managed to wake up by himself and on top, before Kazuya. But miracles do happen and them being together was one. The younger winced again as he climbed off the bed, feeling his body both relaxed and sore in the same time. He took his boxers and jeans on, having a giddy feeling that Jin might want them stripped off as soon as possible. Kazuya thought he might not even refuse this.
So, he opened the door slowly and moving the same, his eyes surveyed the living, but no trace of Jin. He shrugged and went to the kitchen, guessing that the older one had to be there or… For a moment, Kazuya felt lost. Apparently without Jin he was like this - lost and disoriented. But Jin will always be by his side, they will be together even if it was America or Japan. So he headed to the kitchen, his feet making no sound as he was still hurting a bit in his lower body part, so he moved carefully.
But a mocking and well known voice stopped him before opening the kitchen’s door. Kazuya frowned. Did someone come by so early in the morning? He asked himself and pondered whether he should stay there unnoticed or to enter the kitchen and say hello. But if he did the latter, then whoever was on the other side would look suspiciously at him. As he was deciding on this though, his name was said and Kazuya’s ears perked up. And something about what that voice said felt familiar and made Kazuya feel uneasy. Contrarily to his principles, he drew closer to the kitchen’s door, pressing his ear against it. And what he heard next made his insides turn into an ice cube. No, an iceberg, because he surely didn’t feel alive right now.
“To tell you that he’s just a fuck? Okay, I admit that.” A voice said which had Kazuya rooted to his spot in front of the door. It couldn’t be… “Since the first moment I saw him, I thought that he’s fucking beautiful and it annoyed me so I started to pick a fight with him. It didn’t take me long to realize that I actually like him and that I want him in my bed, to hear him moaning my name, especially when he seemed to answer so well to my touches.” It continued and all Kazuya knew was that he needed to leave that place immediately, he had to leave, he needed to. “I approached him and I considered him to be just as one of those girls I’ve always dated, ended up fucking them and then leaving them…”
It was Jin’s voice, Kazuya was sure, and the fact that it had been his lover’s voice only made things worst. He didn’t even realize when he returned to Jin’s bedroom or when he fully dressed and gathered all of his belongings. He just realized that he had been staring at the bed where he and Jin had made love, where he had given all of himself. And where it never even mattered. Not for Jin - this never mattered. Kazuya had been fooled from the start, had believed the words of a liar, had forgotten about himself just because of Jin. He had allowed himself to be deceived and turned into something he had never even wanted from the beginning. And now all he was left with was the pain he had to deal with from now on.
But even if his mind was being logical, his heart was refusing to believe that everything up till now had been a lie. And as stubborn as it will get, the words Jin said sounded even louder in his head. Kazuya looked at the burn out candles that were still forming Jin’s name. He remembered the feelings he had when he had done this, how his heart had raced filled with love for the one he was doing such a thing. And for what use? For whom had he truly been doing all this?
A smiled and a tear met on Kazuya’s face. In the end, their love was like the burn out candles in front of him. In just one night, it had ceased to glow and had reduced itself to just painful memories. Kazuya turned away and exited Jin’s bedroom where the proof of his stupidity had impregnated itself. He walked through the living, cursing silently the soft touch of the petals that had formed last night the path for Jin to Kazuya. With his heart ripped in pieces, his love burnt out, the younger got to the main door, the pain numbing his body and brain. He never looked back as he opened the door and stepped out of Jin’s apartment, but as he closed it, his eyes that looked towards a tomorrow without Jin were void of any emotions.
In the end, forever can end today or tomorrow. For him and Jin, forever was yesterday. It was never meant to be.
*
Kazuya grabbed tighter the red turtle, muffling his sobs and his sounds of crying and letting out the pain he was still feeling. After three years and he was still hurting, his heart was still bleeding and his brain still refused to let go. And how could he let go? How could he do such a thing when Jin had stormed back into his life like he had done the first time? How could he when he loved Jin as much as he did in the past and now, he was probably loving him even more? No… he couldn’t let go, he wasn’t capable of that anymore.
But neither could he let Jin be again in his life. Because Kazuya had lost his faith in Jin since that fatidic morning. If he had been just a play for the actor back then, who could assure him that Jin’s words and promises from now were true and not some lies like before? The answer was no one. No one could tell him for sure that Jin cared for him like he was, no one could make him feel safe and that his heart won’t be thrown away if he gave it once more.
And besides… there was Ryo. The one who had helped him through all this pain, the one who had come to his rescue, the one that had made him feel once more alive and safe. He couldn’t betray such a person, he couldn’t do this to Ryo. Even if he had done already too much…
*
He was walking like there was no end. He wasn’t aware of anything but his own pain, nothing mattered anymore. He felt desolated, lost and why not, dead. After all his precautions, after all his insecurities… he had given himself to the person who had thrown him aside, who had used him. He will never forgive Jin, he will never forget what he had done to him.
His love for him hadn’t ended, but it wasn’t a reason for joy anymore. It was a reason for hate, for despise and disgust. And not only for Jin, but for himself too. Because it was his fault too. He had trusted Jin too soon, he had given in too early and now he was paying the consequences. How stupid of him. Now… his life held no meaning because Jin had stolen it away. Everything was crushing around him, everything was burnt and there was nothing left. He had been betrayed, he had been ripped apart.
Kazuya wasn’t crying as he walked forward, his legs moving without having a certain direction. He didn’t have why to cry and he looked like someone had taken life away from him, had left him alone and bare. Aimless walking, forward looking… Kazuya wasn’t feeling anything except a great cold and a pain beyond his control. He will never be able to forget or forgive.
Beep. Beep.
The sound coming from his pocket woke him a little. He stopped and with lethargic moves, he took out his pager, the one director Nishikido had given to him in case of emergencies. He didn’t see the message at first, but his heart clenched tightly as the memory of Jin taking him to meet the director suddenly popped inside his mind. Why did everything seem so far away? Why was he feeling like all that had happened between him and Jin had been a long time ago?
Kamenashi, where are you?
The message kept blinking in front of his eyes and the younger one’s hands shook a little. He lifted his head and slowly looked around him. He didn’t know why Ryo was looking for him at this hour… but he had no reason not to reply to him. In a way, he wanted someone to find him.
I’m at the station.
He dragged his feet to a bench, sitting down and looking at the people walking hurriedly in front of him. Nothing made sense anymore. Why did this have to happen to him? Why couldn’t he be one of those normal people who fell in love and had a great romance? Why did he have to be the one betrayed and on top… in love with a man? Why the hell did he even let Jin enter in his life?! Why couldn’t he have fought back every attempt of Jin to win him over? Why, why, why?
Because in a way, he had wanted to know Jin better. He wanted to be near him, he wanted to hear him, to touch him. As forbidden as Jin was, Kazuya wanted him the most. As intriguing as Jin was, he yearned for him even more. And maybe he had known from the beginning where all this would lead. But he had allowed himself to fall in love, he had allowed himself to believe that maybe there was hope for this wrong love of them, that maybe there was a way for them to be together. And God knew how much he wished this! But apparently Jin didn’t, because he had tossed Kazuya away without even sparing one breath. In the end, Kazuya meant nothing to him.
Stay there, I’m on my way.
Kazuya looked at the beeping pager and sighed. He’ll wait, he wasn’t going anywhere any soon now. If he went home, then he’d worry Yuuya and he didn’t want this in the least. He was going to wait until he’ll find no other reason to stay. Kazuya bent and hid his head in his palms, not wanting to hear, feel or see anything. What he was feeling inside right now was tearing him up, was ripping him piece by piece and he was more than aware that no one even cared about this. He himself didn’t care about this anymore. No, why should he? Why should he even cry for a person that had been with him only for the sake of sex? Damn, it would have been better if Jin had said so from the beginning. It would have hurt less now, it wouldn’t have made him feel so weak and lost, so confused and alone.
But Jin had preferred lying to him, had choose words of love over sincere ones and brought him to his bed whispering I love you all along while he hadn’t felt so in the least. Kazuya wanted to shout, wanted to disappear in thin air, wanted to make Jin’s lingering presence vanish from his body and soul. But he couldn’t. Not when he was still loving the bastard or when he was yearning for him even now, knowing what Jin had truly felt for him. God, if he had known, if he had even suspected that all of this would lead to something like this… he would have slept with Jin a long time ago. He would have let him do whatever he wanted, just to not feel this burning feeling inside of him, that was killing him over and over.
A sudden touch on his shoulder had him jolt and look up at Ryo’s face. The director was a bit out of breath, he must have probably run. But why though? It wasn’t like they had anything in common except Jin and work.
“You look like hell.” Ryo remarked as he took a place next to Kazuya, his eyes never leaving the younger one’s pale face.
“Thanks.” Kazuya’s lips curled a bit, but the effort was so big that they dropped again.
“Jin’s looking for you.” Ryo continued after a pause between them. His assistant was looking like something had hit him so hard that he didn’t have the strength to walk anymore.
Upon hearing Jin’s name, Kazuya’s heart clenched and his insides coiled into an ice cube again. So he was right in guessing - Jin had asked Ryo to search for him. How convenient. Better send his friends to look for him, he was too lazy to even do this. Really, with whom had he really fallen in love?
“I’m not with Jin anymore.” Kazuya finally said and as he looked at Ryo he could see the slight surprise on the other’s face.
“Really?” The director asked, his voice being a bit ironic. “That’s not how I see it from Jin’s frantic calls of how he couldn’t find you.” He continued and it was obvious that he was annoyed at his friend’s behavior. And at Kazuya’s behavior too, seeing how he was acting right now.
The boy began chewing on his lower lip, to stop it from trembling. “It’s his problem.” Kazuya replied with a hoarse voice and looked away from Ryo’s distrustful eyes.
“I can’t read minds. If you don’t talk, you can’t be helped, you know?” The director scoffed as he crossed his arms at his chest and continuing looking at his assistant. “I don’t mean to pry in your private matters, but if Jin’s looking like this for you, it means that he’s really worried about you.” Ryo continued with what he wanted to be a gentle voice, not realizing what kind of pain his words were provoking to Kazuya. “You can’t simply run away and say that everything’s over if you haven’t discussed with him. I thought you were smarter than that idiot.” He added, shaking his head at his assistant’s attitude.
“What do you know?” Kazuya growled all of a sudden, turning to look at Ryo, his eyes flashing furiously in tears. “He doesn’t worry about me! He couldn’t possibly worry about a person he just fucked and doesn’t need it anymore!” He continued and his voice rose a bit, drawing the passerby’s attention. “Why does he search for me? To tell me that we’re over? That all he had wanted was sex from me, because I was something new?? No, I don’t want to see him anymore. He’s not worth my time or my words anymore.” Kazuya continued and his tears were falling freely, while his rage and pain were pouring in each word he spat to Ryo. He knew he shouldn’t say all this, he shouldn’t mix Ryo in all this shit, but… he couldn’t stop it anymore. “And you are right! I thought I was brighter, but Jin managed to fool me. He had outrun me and turned me into an idiot that’s helplessly in love with him… But he isn’t. All this time he had only wanted sex.” Kazuya added with a derisive tone, though it was clear how much he was hurt.
Ryo was speechless as he looked at Kazuya crying, not knowing what to do or how to react in such a situation. “Look, I’m sure this is a misunderstanding.” He tried to say, hoping that his words will have some kind of effect because he really sucked at comforting people, especially in matters that really didn’t concern him. “Come back at his apartment and talk to him.” He encouraged the boy, letting his hand fall on Kazuya’s arm to bring him up.
“Misunderstanding my ass!” Kazuya scoffed and wiped away his tears. “I’m not going back to his apartment or anywhere near him. I want him out of my life and there’s no one who can tell me otherwise.” He continued and swatted Ryo’s hand away. “And I’m sorry, Nishikido-san, but for this to happen I will have to quit working for you.” Kazuya looked apologetic at Ryo and bowed deeply, realizing that with Jin everything ended in his life. God, how stupid he had been!
Ryo sighed and rolled his eyes. What had that idiot done now?! “Kamenashi, calm down and explain yourself.” He tried to say with a voice which he hoped to be gentle enough to make him relax. “What had exactly happened? Why do you want to cut any relation with Jin?” he asked, his hand back on the boy’s arm though this time it was in a comforting manner.
“Jin used me as his bed warmer.” Kazuya replied as he looked back to Ryo, his eyes cold and his voice was void of any emotions. “He made me fall for him just to sleep with me. In no time, he’ll find another one and I’ll be forgotten.” He continued and there was something in the way he bit his lower lip, to stop it from trembling. “Why would I want to have any relation with Jin now?” He asked with a derisive tone.
“Kamenashi, I know that Jin is usually a jerk, but he’d never do something like this.” Ryo shook his head, completely denying even the possibility of something like this. “Like I said, talk to him and you’ll see that everything was just a misunderstanding.” He smiled as kindly as he could, looking into Kazuya’s eyes and not liking the pain and suffering that he found there.
Kazuya laughed. “You know what?” He said suddenly, not caring if he was being disrespectful to the person he looked up most to. “I know what I heard and I think I know Jin better in this section. So why don’t you leave me alone and go back to him?” He continued with a half annoyed half pained voice. “I’m fine on my own.”
“Don’t be idiot and tell me the whole story.” Ryo hissed, starting to get annoyed too. “Sorry if I think that I know Jin better, considering that I’ve known him for more then twenty years and you know him only since four months ago.” He continued, a dangerous spark flashing in his eyes. “So start talking. From the beginning.” He specified, not wanting half stories again.
Kazuya threw a glare into Ryo’s direction, not really wanting to talk about this when all was so fresh. “We slept together last night.” He started and it made his heart clench at the so fresh memories of him and Jin together. “Then when I woke up… he was with someone else.” His voice subdued to a whisper. “He said that I was nothing else but someone he wanted to fuck because it annoyed him to be attracted and because I answered so well to his touches.” Kazuya said and bit again on his lower lip, Jin’s words sounding louder and louder in his ears. “If someone had told me this, I would have doubted it… but I was the one to hear this. It hurts worse.” He gave a hollow laugh.
Ryo’s eyes widened and he looked at Kazuya as if he still didn’t believe such a thing. “No, you must have heard wrong…” he said with a half voice, not wanting to trust Kazuya with something like this. Did Jin really do this? But… this didn’t sound like this. It wasn’t the Jin that he knew. But then again, maybe that Jin had disappeared when he had left for America.
“Yeah, my ears suddenly decided to hear that I was the play toy of a celebrity.” Kazuya mocked, trying to look braver than he was, but it was clearly that it wasn’t this way. “I’m sorry.” He then apologized, not even sure for what. “I’m badmouthing your best friend.” He scoffed with a depressed expression as he hid his face into his palms. “But he took everything away from me. I’m even afraid to go back home, to face my brother, to face this situation…” He continued mumbling, a soft chuckle leaving his lips. “I never thought he’d hurt me this much.”
Ryo didn’t say anything and just looked at the boy in pain for a long time. It couldn’t be true. Jin had seemed a little bit changed, but that was normal. After all, they hadn’t met that much for more than five years so things were bound to change. He had been surprised that Jin had actually become more like an adult and knew how to control the situation when it was needed. Though… he had never heard of Jin being with someone more than a month. This had happened before too, when Jin still was in Japan and had difficulties on finding a right person to understand and accept him. But if Jin had become so mature, why hadn’t he found at least one person with whom he could have stayed more than a few weeks?
Something didn’t make sense after all and looking at Kazuya and at how he was trying to hold back his tears and pain, Ryo didn’t have a choice but to believe that he was telling the truth. And if Jin had been the one to say this, then it was no doubt.
Jin had really slept with Kazuya only on a whim.
“You need to calm down first.” The director finally spoke, his eyes looking with understanding at Kazuya. “I’m sure you’ll see things in another light after a few days pass, so maybe it’s better if you go home and think more before deciding that you shouldn’t talk to Jin.” He smiled comfortably, patting the boy’s head and wanting him to understand that Ryo only wanted to help him.
Even if he wasn’t that sure why.
Kazuya shook his head, looking all of a sudden desperate. “No, I won’t change my decision. I don’t want to see Jin anymore, I, I -” his frantic voice crumbled and for the first time, he understood what it meant to still be in the same city as Jin. If Ryo had been searching for him because of Jin, then the actor wouldn’t stop any soon to find him. And he couldn’t go back home where he could worry Yuuya and have Jin come over them. No, he couldn’t afford this. “I’m leaving town.” He said all of a sudden and there was a mad gleam in the brown of his eyes. “I won’t face Jin because it hurts too much.” He continued with the same frantic voice as in the beginning and all of a sudden, he clutched onto Ryo’s hand. “Help me. I need to leave here or… I don’t know what I’ll become in the end. Help me leave this town, I just need to get away… to let time pass.” Kazuya’s eyes bored into Ryo’s, pleading and crying in the same time.
Ryo again studied the boy’s face for a long time before speaking. “Are you sure?” he asked, his voice sounding as uncertain as his words were. He didn’t know what to do. He was in the middle of their problems and he felt like he couldn’t leave Kazuya like this. But Jin was his friend and even if he had indeed played with the boy, he was sure that he hadn’t done it with mean intentions.
Kazuya gave a strangled laugh. “It’s the only solution.” He said with a defeated voice. “Look, I just need some money to leave here… I promise to give them back to you as soon as I -” His voice subdued and he closed his eyes, trying to ignore the thought that he might not be able to repay Ryo back. “I don’t know… I’m asking for your help, but I’m just being selfish. But right now, you’re the only one that can keep Jin away from me.” He reopened his eyes and Kazuya looked all but selfish. He was a person wanting to get away from his pain.
For the third time, a deep silence fell between them as Ryo tried to think at what could he do. If he helped Kazuya stay away from Jin for a few days, that meant that he’ll have to also lie to him because he was more than sure that Jin won’t accept that easily that he’s not allowed to see Kazuya. But if the boy didn’t mean that much to Jin, then why was the actor looking for him?
Ryo needed answers. “I won’t allow you to quit your job.” He first said, standing up from the bench and taking one step forward, his back now facing Kazuya. “You’ll remain my assistant because you signed a contract with me and you can’t break it without consequences.” He continued, taking a deep breath before turning around and looking at his employee. “So you’ll leave Japan tomorrow morning to prepare things for when I’ll come in a few days, are we clear?” he asked with an imperious voice, the tone saying that it was an order from his boss and not a request from his friend.
Kazuya looked with big eyes at Ryo. Tears suddenly swelled up in his brown eyes as he nodded fervently. What was Ryo offering to him was more than he could have asked for. “Thank you.” He muttered as he lowered his head and grasped his own hands together. He won’t see Jin anymore.
Somehow, this hurt more than his betrayal.
*
Another day he was going to torture himself with a love he couldn’t let bloom anymore. It was pathetic actually, doing things like this. But it was his only chance to see him, to feel close to him once again, even if he was so far away. It was stupid actually - Jin was the one to have betrayed him and still he was buying tickets to his concerts and going only to a few, not being able to kill the hope that maybe they would stumble upon each other or that maybe Jin will see him in the sea of fans. But such hope was futile and as much as Kazuya liked to believe in fairytales, their love wasn’t as such for a long time.
His eyes looked at the scene where Jin was supposed to appear and surprise everyone with his charismatic aura and wonderful dance moves. He supposed that this live was important for Jin seeing how it was the first time he was concerting in London. They had often talked about how he would love to go and have a European tour, to meet and greet the fans from over there and now… his dream was finally coming true. Despite their failed relationship, Kazuya couldn’t help but feel happy for him and secretly root for such a success.
The lights went down and the loud bass so characteristic to Jin’s music filled the room and fans screamed while Kazuya’s heart simply squeezed. If it hadn’t been for Ryo’s movie, he wouldn’t have been able to see the one he loved performing on a foreign stage. Yes, after a year and a half he was still in love with Jin and there have been many times when he had considered looking for him, going back to him. But pride had stopped him, the pain from that morning still present in his heart. So, without letting himself fooled by his feelings, he had decided to simply watch Jin from afar, to hear his voice only, even if he wasn’t going to feel him again.
It was stupid actually. He had never thought or considered the possibility of being with a guy, let alone to love one, but here he was - unable to let go of a past which kept haunting him, of feelings which kept coming back to him. He had always been so precautious when it came to feelings and relationships, not jumping forward, not leaping ahead before thinking everything properly and through. But with Jin… he had given up all of his precautions, he had let down all of his defenses and he had gotten burnt.
And this was what was stupid - because he had needed one man to come and find him to have him down in just one single morning. Pathetic.
He felt a warm hand squeezing his own and he looked at his brother who smiled at him reassuringly. Yuuya had always accompanied him when he went to Jin’s concerts, saying that he will be there for his older brother, no matter what. Yuuya had been of great help after he had left Tokyo and Jin, although Kazuya was aware that he might have been neglecting his role as the big brother, yet Yuuya had never complained. He had held Kazuya through the nights, had talked with him every time he needed and wanted to share his feelings of anxiety, love and pain… Yuuya had been there for him, no matter what. And now, he was with him again, watching how Jin continued his career, how he showed the world great music and performances and how he lived his life without Kazuya.
“He’s doing great, isn’t he?” He said to his brother who looked from the stage to Kazuya, an understanding expression appearing on his face. But Yuuya didn’t say anything as he simply held the other one’s hand and continued to listen to Jin’s songs. No matter how partying the man seemed to be, to Yuuya he seemed different and it could be seen or felt even in the nuances of his voice while singing. After listening to his brother’s words, he had reached many times at the conclusion that these two needed to talk and see where the truth lied. Because Jin gave him the vibe that he was heart-broken too and if he wasn’t wrong, it was because of Kazuya, because of his departure.
“He’s sad.”Yuuya mumbled as he looked at the screen next to the stage and saw Jin smile and then turn his head to the crowd, his eyes quickly flickering through the audience, making it scream. And this was what made Yuuya believe that Jin was waiting for someone, just like Kazuya was looking for him. Therefore, something in his brother’s story didn’t fit - somewhere in it, a mistake must have occurred.
Both Kamenashi brothers continued to look and listen to Jin’s concerts, different emotions and thoughts passing through their hearts and minds, bringing them closer to the man that was on stage, singing his soul. And almost two hours had passed when the concert headed near its end and Jin announced his new song, dedicated to someone special. Kazuya’s heart stopped in that moment and he looked at Yuuya with scared eyes - was it him?
But Yuuya just smiled, he couldn’t answer this question to his brother, after all, he couldn’t possibly know Jin’s feelings and if he was talking about Kazuya right now. Yet, this certain action had made his doubts about what had Jin said that morning grow a little bit. What if… No, better listen to the song, he’ll discuss it later with his brother.
Going crazy, my heart is breaking,
I can't sleep at all.
Trying to get through this
Don't know how I'll do this,
I know that I only got my self to blame (only got myself to blame),
But that doesn’t help to ease the pain (doesn’t help to ease the pain),
I'll just die if I can't see your face.
Kazuya had his heart beat like in a race, conflicting emotions suffocating him from inside, leaving him with nothing but a burning love and ache. For who were these lyrics, why did Jin wrote them? What was their meaning…?
Until you come back,
I can't breath.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside me.
It was him! Yuuya exclaimed in his mind, looking surprised at Jin singing this particular song, wearing the saddest expression ever. This man was singing for Kazuya!!
Now it's morning
You’re still gone and
I still reach for you (still reach for you).
Don't know how to
Live without you,
I will, I can take back all the hurt I've caused
(take back all the hurt I've caused),
If I could give back all the love I lost
(give back all the love I lost),
The price I pay is just too high of a cost yeah.
By the time Jin sang these lyrics, Kazuya was crying silently. He didn’t know why he was crying because chances that this song wasn’t for him were big, after all, a year and a half had passed since they had last seen each other, since he had broken it off with Jin. Maybe he had someone else, maybe he was singing for a woman this time, maybe he had fallen in love again. Kazuya shook his head and he couldn’t ignore the ache in his heart - he didn’t want Jin to be in love with someone else, he didn’t want him to forget about them, about what they had, about him. He was being selfish, but this was how Jin had taught him to love - selfishly, powerfully. And that was why he wished right now these words, these heart-breaking lyrics to be for him.
Until you come back,
I can't breathe.
Until you come back,
I got no reason.
Got my heart, my heart down on its knees,
I still need you beside, beside, beside, beside me.
The song finished and Kazuya stood up before hearing Jin biding his farewell to the fans, before hearing him thanking to them and maybe come up for encore. Yuuya gave another look to the stage and with a sigh, he went after his brother, thinking that they had to solve this problem once and for all. He caught Kazuya just outside the building, turning him around and seeing his tears. Damn, his brother had been crying too much lately.
“Come here.” Yuuya muttered and pulled Kazuya in his arms, passing soothing hands over his back while he let him pour out his emotions. He didn’t like seeing the other one like this, but he knew that the best solution was to let everything out and not to bottle it inside. Kazuya was a mess right now, but he will be better - love never leaves scars that time can’t conceal.
“H-his last song…” Kazuya hiccupped in his younger brother’s arms, hiding his face. But he didn’t continue, he stopped abruptly, not wanting his wish or hope to be shattered this soon.
Yuuya took a deep breath and pulled back a little, looking at his brother while cupping his wet cheeks. “Kazuya.” He said to him, wearing a serious and gentle expression in the same time. “Let’s go and talk with him.” Yuuya suggested what he was sure will shock his brother, if not make him hysteric.
“No!” The immediate answer was and Kazuya looked fearful and unsettled.
“Kazu, I think there’s more to that morning than what you heard.” Yuuya insisted and held his brother on the spot, as he felt him ready to run if given the occasion. “This song from now was for you, I’m sure. Although I agree with you on everything that he was a jerk to say such words, maybe he had said them in joke. Maybe he truly loves you and he’s now looking for you, hoping to go back to him.” He continued, wanting his brother to get over his fear of the truth and end all of this pointless pain.
“No, I don’t want to go to him. I don’t want to know.” Kazuya shook his head, stubbornly refusing to ascertain something that might make him hurt even more than he was now. Besides, he wasn’t the one to babble like that, therefore he shouldn’t go and ask Jin if it was true he considered him just a plaything. And if he didn’t, then why say this to someone else?! He couldn’t accept him not even now in front of his friends?! No, Kazuya didn’t want to go and ask Jin, making a complete fool of himself.
“Damn it, Kazu! What if this time you’re wrong and Jin still loves you?! Wouldn’t you be a total idiot for letting this opportunity slip and suffer like this alone?” Yuuya snapped a little, angered by his brother’s cowardice and thinking that if it had been him, he would have kicked Jin’s balls in that exact morning for his inconsiderate words. And then he would have knocked his head with that friend of his, but most definitely he wouldn’t have left like Kazuya did.
Yet he understood his brother too. Ever since he was little, Kazuya had been afraid of rejection and ever since their parents had died and some had refused helping them, his older brother had taken pride in helping each other without relying on others, had refused everyone in their lives. If he wasn’t wanted, if he wasn’t need or if he had been fooled, then he wouldn’t linger, he wouldn’t stay to beg for anyone. And Jin hadn’t been his exception, even if he loved him this much. But now Yuuya was close to the certainty that Jin was in love with his brother as well and that he wanted him back in his life and no matter what Kazuya said, he needed Jin in his life too. Yet how could he fight this fear of his brother, this stubbornness that had characterized him over the years, that had helped him through life?
“I don’t want to be his source of amusement.” Kazuya looked away from Yuuya, understanding what the other one meant and that maybe this should have been the right thing to do from the beginning - to confront Jin with the truth. “Ryo had said it himself - Jin never stayed too much in love with someone.” He looked back and there was again that fierce spark of wanting to push himself as further away from Jin. “I have been nothing for him but a simple affair.”
Yuuya stared at his brother with a defeated and disappointed expression. “I thought you were braver, Aniki.” He said sadly and let go of Kazuya as he stuffed his hands into his pockets and started walking off.
“Yuuya, wait!” Kazuya called and ran after his brother, knowing that he had angered him through his actions. But he couldn’t just simply do what Yuuya had asked of him, it was too much and yes, he was the world’s biggest coward ever. He didn’t want to know that Jin had simply liked to play with him because his heart would not take it anymore.“Yuu-chan!” Kazuya whined after the other one who finally stopped, but didn’t turn around. “I’m sorry.” He said as he stopped behind Yuuya, looking at his back. “I’m just not ready. Even if I go to him and talk, I might just end up hurting myself and him in the same time.”
“If you’re not able to fight for the love you have for him, then what use of it?” Yuuya interrupted him harshly, startling Kazuya. “If you’re that afraid of his words, then why not let him go already? Why do you go to his concerts if you do not hope for him to notice you, to come and search for you?!” Yuuya turned around and his eyes were burning angrily. “Kazuya, you might be a coward, but you’re not like this either - a liar. Because if you loved Jin, then you would have forced the truth out of him, not running around and hoping that one day he’ll find you and you’ll be happily ever after!” He continued and Kazuya couldn’t deny the truth in his brother’s words. After all, he was indeed waiting for Jin to find him and make him forget about everything that had happened.
“Look, Kazu, I’m not saying to forgive him for his words, but what I’m saying is to give both of you a chance. To let go of the pain and give a chance to your love for Jin.” Yuuya continued, seeing that his brother was at loss of words, unable to fight him. “Love hurts, Kazuya, and you will not be the first or the last to suffer from it.” He added and brushed the new tears from his brother’s eyes. “Okay, now I’ll go for a walk and then come back later.” Yuuya smiled and Kazuya understood that he was given time to think of what he was supposed to do and to look for Jin while he was there, in London.
Kazuya nodded and sighed, thinking that his brother was going to stay till morning in a bar, letting him take the biggest decision of his life. Too bad it proved to not be the one either of them had expected.
Because that night, Yuuya had died in a car accident.
“Sir Kamenashi?” A voice with British accent asked the moment Kazuya answered the phone in the middle of night and he stood up in his bed, looking around and having this dreadful feeling in his chest.
“Yes?” Kazuya answered in English, somehow wanting to end up this call.
“Are you familiar with Kamenashi Yuuya?” The voice continued and Kazuya felt all of his blood drain from his veins as he got off the bed and quickly went to his brother’s room, to check it. Yuuya hadn’t returned home yet.
“Y-yes.” His own voice quivered this time and he had these cubes of ice in the pit of his stomach while his heart seemed to beat faster and faster, like a hummingbird’s wings.
“There has been a car accident…”
And from here, all Kazuya could recall was a blur of him searching desperately for his brother through the house, not wanting to believe that his little brother had been involved in an accident and that he…he…
No, he had to search for him because that’s what big brothers do - always look out for their younger ones. Yet the cruel reality had sunk in and Kazuya had had to face it, he had had to go to the hospital and see his brother breathing out his last words, his last breath.
“Ka-Kazuya… find Jin a-and ask for the t-truth.” Yuuya had asked of him, while holding his hand, while smiling to him, even if it was painful and it made him bleed. “I love you.” He added and Kazuya held his hand tighter, trying to fight back the tears.
Yuuya hadn’t heard Kazuya’s words of love and reassurance as he had slid into nothingness, finding relief from his pain and every other emotion. That night Kazuya had cried, shouted, cursed everything for what had happened, he had held onto his brother until they had forced him to let go. On that night, he had lost everything he loved the most.
And it had been Ryo who had been there for him, it had been the director anchoring him to reality and not let him drift on the sea of despair, succumbing to his emotions every time he’d recall Yuuya and their memories together.
His brother’s death had made him reach a drastic decision - forget the past.
From that night on, Yuuya and Jin had both died in Kazuya’s heart; it had been his only way to survive the pain.
PART TWO