2019: Same as it ever was
2007 just moved back to edinburgh
2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729.html
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616.html
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046.html
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441.html
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985.html
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330.html
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456.html
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903.html
2016 https://figg.livejournal.com/349076.html
2017 https://figg.livejournal.com/349340.html
2018 https://figg.livejournal.com/349607.html
Last year I wrote
It's weird as hell that I can go back a whole ten years and see how much has changed. Or how little.
I went back slightly less than ten years. Back in 2012 I wrote:
This year has seen me withdraw socially. I don't feel like i've met new people, I don't feel in touch with people and I feel more and more distant from society and culture at large. Working from home has prevented me from getting more burned out, but instead of being in a constant panic, I seem to be in a constant slump. I've spent most of this year feeling like I've been missing everything, pushing people away, and destroying what stability I have left. It feels like i've condensed my life to a tape loop that I am miming through, having the same arguments over and over again, in the same places with the same people.
[...]
I have no idea what I'd like to achieve for 2012 beyond surviving it. I imagine it will go much like the last three years - not taking any holidays - wishing I would travel more, failing - being miserable for no good reason - and destroying any relationship I find myself in. Can't wait!
There's not to much add, really. Things have changed. Things have also stayed the same.
Back to last year's post:
It's just five years after moving to london, I feel like I arrived yesterday. No sense of place, no sense of grounding, no sense of belonging. I lied when I said the problem was just the sleep pattern.
It's now six years. Three in the same flat.
I'm still seeing Poonum, sort-of. It's hard to put in a box, we speak often, but haven't been able to see each other that regularly. We're making things work in a way that hasn't destroyed either of us, and that's been more than enough.
In other romantic news, I managed to go on two dates this year, a whole two more than I did last year! I'm starting to get back the confidence I used to have, although I'm not exactly hopeful about the future. I don't expect to be going on a date any time soon, and my other attempts at a relationship have left me rather exhausted.
I spent most of this year breaking up with Grace.
Several chances given, several chances were wasted. I also spent this year worrying over a health issue. It turns out these two things were connected, I was so stressed from the relationship, it looked like I had autoimmune problems, or worse. Still, one ultrasound, several courses of antibiotics, and numerous blood tests later, I was relieved to hear it wasn't cancer.
On the whole, the breakup went better this time around. I didn't lose my job this time. Then again, work hasn't been without issue.
The new office at work has proved too much of an obstacle, and I've slowly become decoupled from my immediate team and manager. I picked this job because I knew what would happen if I worked from home full time. Two years in, I've become as feral as I feared.
No longer a shut-in, I have become a full on cryptid. Literally. When I leave the house, people stop and take photos.
It's probably the flock of crows that have taken to following me around the park.
I started feeding the crows, well, bribing them back in April. Getting them to come close enough, so I could take photos. Things escalated. I bought a fancier camera, two fancier lenses. If i'm honest, some of the photos are surprisingly good.
Anyway. Now? The crows know where I live. They call out to one another when I walk around the park. Nothing has been as soothing for the existential thoughts-watching a flock of birds chase towards me and swarm in excitement.
In other words, I am leaving the house most days. It's a huge improvement on 2018, and 2017. I'm even eating food fairly regularly-usually once a day, sometimes twice, although sometimes I still forget to eat entirely.
I still did my usual thing of meeting people, fucking up and having no idea how to repair things.
2019: Better than the last five years, but not by much. Same as it ever was.
I took holidays, but didn't do anything with them. I saw old friends, but had to awkwardly explain why I wasn't hanging out with the same people from last time. Several times over.
Still, the regular stream of american visitors has been one of reasons I like being in London. I talk about moving away, but the reality is that I've only recently gotten to a state where it might be a good idea. Moving forwards, ready to try out new things, rather than moving back and slumping off into oblivion.
Really, I'm already in the best place to try and rebuild my life. There's jobs here, friends visiting, people my age on dating apps. If only I wasn't completely exhausted from doing precisely that, for just over six years.
2020: New decade, same problems.
2008 http://figg.livejournal.com/314729.html
2009 http://figg.livejournal.com/343616.html
2010 http://figg.livejournal.com/346046.html
2011 http://figg.livejournal.com/346441.html
2012 http://figg.livejournal.com/347985.html
2013 http://figg.livejournal.com/348330.html
2014 http://figg.livejournal.com/348456.html
2015 http://figg.livejournal.com/348903.html
2016 https://figg.livejournal.com/349076.html
2017 https://figg.livejournal.com/349340.html
2018 https://figg.livejournal.com/349607.html
Last year I wrote
It's weird as hell that I can go back a whole ten years and see how much has changed. Or how little.
I went back slightly less than ten years. Back in 2012 I wrote:
This year has seen me withdraw socially. I don't feel like i've met new people, I don't feel in touch with people and I feel more and more distant from society and culture at large. Working from home has prevented me from getting more burned out, but instead of being in a constant panic, I seem to be in a constant slump. I've spent most of this year feeling like I've been missing everything, pushing people away, and destroying what stability I have left. It feels like i've condensed my life to a tape loop that I am miming through, having the same arguments over and over again, in the same places with the same people.
[...]
I have no idea what I'd like to achieve for 2012 beyond surviving it. I imagine it will go much like the last three years - not taking any holidays - wishing I would travel more, failing - being miserable for no good reason - and destroying any relationship I find myself in. Can't wait!
There's not to much add, really. Things have changed. Things have also stayed the same.
Back to last year's post:
It's just five years after moving to london, I feel like I arrived yesterday. No sense of place, no sense of grounding, no sense of belonging. I lied when I said the problem was just the sleep pattern.
It's now six years. Three in the same flat.
I'm still seeing Poonum, sort-of. It's hard to put in a box, we speak often, but haven't been able to see each other that regularly. We're making things work in a way that hasn't destroyed either of us, and that's been more than enough.
In other romantic news, I managed to go on two dates this year, a whole two more than I did last year! I'm starting to get back the confidence I used to have, although I'm not exactly hopeful about the future. I don't expect to be going on a date any time soon, and my other attempts at a relationship have left me rather exhausted.
I spent most of this year breaking up with Grace.
Several chances given, several chances were wasted. I also spent this year worrying over a health issue. It turns out these two things were connected, I was so stressed from the relationship, it looked like I had autoimmune problems, or worse. Still, one ultrasound, several courses of antibiotics, and numerous blood tests later, I was relieved to hear it wasn't cancer.
On the whole, the breakup went better this time around. I didn't lose my job this time. Then again, work hasn't been without issue.
The new office at work has proved too much of an obstacle, and I've slowly become decoupled from my immediate team and manager. I picked this job because I knew what would happen if I worked from home full time. Two years in, I've become as feral as I feared.
No longer a shut-in, I have become a full on cryptid. Literally. When I leave the house, people stop and take photos.
It's probably the flock of crows that have taken to following me around the park.
I started feeding the crows, well, bribing them back in April. Getting them to come close enough, so I could take photos. Things escalated. I bought a fancier camera, two fancier lenses. If i'm honest, some of the photos are surprisingly good.
Anyway. Now? The crows know where I live. They call out to one another when I walk around the park. Nothing has been as soothing for the existential thoughts-watching a flock of birds chase towards me and swarm in excitement.
In other words, I am leaving the house most days. It's a huge improvement on 2018, and 2017. I'm even eating food fairly regularly-usually once a day, sometimes twice, although sometimes I still forget to eat entirely.
I still did my usual thing of meeting people, fucking up and having no idea how to repair things.
2019: Better than the last five years, but not by much. Same as it ever was.
I took holidays, but didn't do anything with them. I saw old friends, but had to awkwardly explain why I wasn't hanging out with the same people from last time. Several times over.
Still, the regular stream of american visitors has been one of reasons I like being in London. I talk about moving away, but the reality is that I've only recently gotten to a state where it might be a good idea. Moving forwards, ready to try out new things, rather than moving back and slumping off into oblivion.
Really, I'm already in the best place to try and rebuild my life. There's jobs here, friends visiting, people my age on dating apps. If only I wasn't completely exhausted from doing precisely that, for just over six years.
2020: New decade, same problems.