The Daily Prophet - Sports Section Extra!
Date: Sunday, 12 August 2001 (Slightly backdated)
Time: Morning Edition
Characters Involved: The Daily Prophet
Rating: G
Kestrels Klutch at First!
By “Pitch Malbum”
This week in sports there was no story in Quidditch bigger than that of the Kenmare Kestrels. The Kestrels, who have been playing cat and mouse with the Holyhead Harpies all season long, flew winning rings around the Magpies while the Holyhead Harpies sat out the week like a spinster at a dance enduring their “by” week for this season. The Harpies had their turn at mauling the Magpies, scoring a record FOURTH Clean Sweep before going back to Holyhead to gather their worry beads while the rest of the British and Irish Quidditch League went to the fair without them. Clinging to second place like a witch to her favourite cauldron, the Harpies kept their place in the standings and are now well-placed to surge ahead as the Kestrels head off to the Kemare reaches for a “by” week of their own.
The rest of the teams will be hard put to catch either the Kestrels or the Harpies as they all race into the final weeks of the season, but there has been a great deal of jockeying for position along the curves as teams try to finish in the all important top eight to make it into the winner-take-all 2001 playoffs. The Appleby Arrows continue to anchor the bottom of the League for the second year in a row, and this reporter hears that the team owners are set to overhaul the entire team and coaching staff at the end of the season. Preston Gand, Spokeswizard for Q. U. A. C. K. (Quidditch United Association of the Concerned Keepers of Quidditch) refused to comment on the team's future plans, but did suggest to this reporter over a pint at The Leaky Cauldron that the success of the Wimbourne Wasps, fierce rivals of the Arrows, was the final straw for current management. The Wasps, coming off a fine season in 2000, are again well-positioned to be in the final eight.
Long time Quidditch fans in our community will also take pleasure in seeing the Chudley Cannons placing 6th in the League Standings this week. Cannons manager Ragmar Dorkins was cautiously optimistic about his team’s likelihood to appear in the playoffs this year - a first for the Cannons in years, if not decades (or eons). “We're gonna go out there and play it one match at a time, “Pitch”,” Dorkins confided to this reporter in a recent interview. “The Cannons have the heart and talent to make it to the top, “Pitch”, no doubt about it. We just need to stay focused, play it one game at a time, and keep our eye on the snitch.” Well said, Dagmar! Words to live by for all of our fine teams in the British and Irish Quidditch League this season!
“Pitch”’s Pix: Our pick this week has to be the Holyhead Harpies vs The Pride of Portree at Exmoor. Hand the Pride their arse’s ladies, while the Kestrels roost it out in Kenmare.
British and Irish League Standings
Team
Points
Kenmare Kestrels
5340
Holyhead Harpies*
4850
Tutshill Tornados*
4050
Caerphilly Catapults*
3970
Pride of Portree
3920
Chudley Cannons*
3800
Wigtown Wanderers*
3730
Wimbourne Wasps*
3660
Puddlemere United*
3470
Falmouth Falcons*
3460
Ballycastle Bats
3420
Montrose Magpies
3300
Appleby Arrows*
2760
*Each week one team has a “by”. These teams have played one week less than the others.
Gobstones Cauldron Crisis Festering! Details on page 4
New Coach for Gryffindor at Hogwarts - sports sidebar, page 5