(no subject)
I'm so sick of worrying what people are saying about me behind my back, or what they really think of me. It isn't so much that i care so much about anyone's opinion, it's more the fact that i trust certain people and I would hate knowing that secretely they are judging me.
I mean, really every strong female with a laid back sense of sexuality is going to be judged. I can't change that.
I just hate knowing that it is happening, and I can't stop it or defend myself. I hate knowing that every move I make is being watched and then retold over and over. They're calling me names. Like Slutty McBitch, or Bitchy McSlut...or whatever they decide is more clever and fitting. Great, the only real nicknames I ever got, and it isn't even said to my face.
I just want to fix myself. I'm tired of being this person. I'm tired of disappointing people. I'm tired of disappointing myself. I'm tired of hurting guys. I'm tired of being irresponsible and flighty. I'm trying to change, but, I don't know... maybe this is just me or something.
It's not important for everyone to like me, just for me to like myself enough to know that they have no reason not to like me. I feel like a good person. I'm nice, and I'm funny and I'm smart and I'm interesting and I'm a good friend. I have the patience of a god, and I think I'm tolerant.
Maybe all my bad traits overshadow my good ones. That is a depressing thought.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. idontcare idontcare idontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare.
Whoever says they don't care is lying. Whoever tells you not to take things personally has never been shown their flaws. Whoever says that imperfections make a person who they are is an idiot.
Maybe its the weather. I'm just feeling very down on myself lately.
Perhaps I have a certain supply of strength, positivity and confidence and I use it all up before the next month restores my supply. No, that's just stupid. I remembered where my hatred of men might have stemmed from. Could it be the activities which took place in the church basement? No one knows about that because I never told anyone. I can't blame one instance for my attitude on a entire demographic. Maybe it's a combination of things. I think I was called slut so often when I was younger, I felt the need to make it true? Except I lie to myself and tell myself that I don't think what I'm doing is unhealthy or immoral. I think my remorse for my actions are leftover brainwashing effects from a lifetime of evangelical upbringing. Maybe i'm actually not comfortable with the things I do.
I forgot how I will start typing things that are meant to be lighthearted and just random complaints and it turns into an entire disection of my life and my feelings and it gets way too personal for livejournal. Then again, this could be therapeutic, couldn't it be? I'm crying now, so something is getting stirred up.
I'm a mess, and I'm tired of being a mess.
I mean, really every strong female with a laid back sense of sexuality is going to be judged. I can't change that.
I just hate knowing that it is happening, and I can't stop it or defend myself. I hate knowing that every move I make is being watched and then retold over and over. They're calling me names. Like Slutty McBitch, or Bitchy McSlut...or whatever they decide is more clever and fitting. Great, the only real nicknames I ever got, and it isn't even said to my face.
I just want to fix myself. I'm tired of being this person. I'm tired of disappointing people. I'm tired of disappointing myself. I'm tired of hurting guys. I'm tired of being irresponsible and flighty. I'm trying to change, but, I don't know... maybe this is just me or something.
It's not important for everyone to like me, just for me to like myself enough to know that they have no reason not to like me. I feel like a good person. I'm nice, and I'm funny and I'm smart and I'm interesting and I'm a good friend. I have the patience of a god, and I think I'm tolerant.
Maybe all my bad traits overshadow my good ones. That is a depressing thought.
I don't care. I don't care. I don't care. idontcare idontcare idontcareidontcareidontcareidontcare.
Whoever says they don't care is lying. Whoever tells you not to take things personally has never been shown their flaws. Whoever says that imperfections make a person who they are is an idiot.
Maybe its the weather. I'm just feeling very down on myself lately.
Perhaps I have a certain supply of strength, positivity and confidence and I use it all up before the next month restores my supply. No, that's just stupid. I remembered where my hatred of men might have stemmed from. Could it be the activities which took place in the church basement? No one knows about that because I never told anyone. I can't blame one instance for my attitude on a entire demographic. Maybe it's a combination of things. I think I was called slut so often when I was younger, I felt the need to make it true? Except I lie to myself and tell myself that I don't think what I'm doing is unhealthy or immoral. I think my remorse for my actions are leftover brainwashing effects from a lifetime of evangelical upbringing. Maybe i'm actually not comfortable with the things I do.
I forgot how I will start typing things that are meant to be lighthearted and just random complaints and it turns into an entire disection of my life and my feelings and it gets way too personal for livejournal. Then again, this could be therapeutic, couldn't it be? I'm crying now, so something is getting stirred up.
I'm a mess, and I'm tired of being a mess.