Jealousy as a Kink

[fierceawakening]

I posted earlier today on monoamory vs. polyamory, and dragonladyflame linked to this post of hers on jealousy. I'm not sure I agree with it, but I found it fascinating food for thought, particularly as I've always felt that the usual discussions I hear of polyamory talk about jealousy in a way that's quite foreign to me, as though it were some bad, nasty, and

Comments

[fierceawakening]

I think it really depends what "jealousy" means.

Is it a flash of emotion? A possessive feeling that's negative -- seeking nonconsensual control? A desire for consensual control? (If it is this, has it been discussed?) A personality that sees betrayals where there are none (a type of paranoia around the sexual)? A feeling of loneliness or upsetness when one is alone or feels neglected? A desire that no one else "sully" your partner?

Whether it's the sort of constructed feeling that disgust on the part of white people at the idea of drinking from the "wrong" water fountain is depends very deeply on which of these is meant.

Which is probably why I've always been so leery of it as used by polyvangelists. I don't think I've known much of the feeling that I want to stymie someone, though I've always had desires for exclusivity and sexual control. And I don't think I've felt any uncontrollably deep envies of, say, lovers' former (or concurrent, in a few cases) lovers, but I've definitely sometimes felt lonely and neglected and angry because of it, and I'm sure sometimes that was from insecurity and sometimes not.

To me, when I've usually heard people who are in poly relationships use it in reference to themselves, it's generally read to me as an expression of insecurity, and often one that has to do with a partner being either emotionally neglectful or being unable or unwilling to spend "enough" time with the insecure partner for said partner to be comfortable.

Sometimes I'll see these people say they need to "work" on their jealousy, which often strikes me as a less than good solution.

If jealousy is "I hate her because he looked at her!" that's very high school. If jealousy is, say, "she gets to feel his skin right now, and I don't, and I'm very lonely, and wow, I'm not so sure this him having a girlfriend thing is something I'm OK with" that doesn't strike me as something like racism, but rather something serious to discuss.

[static_hiss]

Yes yes yes yes yes, this.

[roykay]

Well, I explained in chat how I dichotomize jealousy and envy: "envy is the desire to have, jealousy is the desire to interdict someone else from having." There are lots I envy, but I would not want them denied. There are none that I wish were not as graced as they are.