Jealousy as a Kink
I posted earlier today on monoamory vs. polyamory, and dragonladyflame linked to this post of hers on jealousy. I'm not sure I agree with it, but I found it fascinating food for thought, particularly as I've always felt that the usual discussions I hear of polyamory talk about jealousy in a way that's quite foreign to me, as though it were some bad, nasty, and unwelcome emotion. (FWIW, I probably come closest to "camp c)" in my interpretation of it up to now.) Here's her post:a) The Heinlein approach: Jealousy is 100% negative. Examples of such a person's reactions range from disgusted looks to cutting comments such as, "You don't own your significant other." This is problematic because it leads to cases like me -- people who are filled with this very powerful emotion, but can't deal with it because they feel so ashamed. I think that, much like your average militant polyamorous asshole or other militant [alternative sexuality] type, Heinlein types are particularly vehement -- because they feel as though they have to "push" their views in an unfriendly society. (Please note: I have no problem with polyamory, or alt sexuality, in general. I just have a problem with militant polyamory, militant alt sexuality, etc.)
b) The camp that I think is in line with general social norms: Jealousy is 100% normal and acceptable. Examples of such a person's reactions range from "That's completely okay, honey -- if you just try to communicate that, then it's your partner's fault if they don't understand!" to "Well that's obviously a normal way to react, and your significant other is being a big jerk by making you feel that way!" (Courts of law have accepted extreme jealousy as a "reason" for extreme violence; juries have even brushed off murders performed in a jealous rage -- for instance, a spouse shooting their partner when the partner is caught in bed with someone else.) I think that, while it can be comforting to hear "You're okay! Everything's okay!", this approach isn't ideal because it doesn't encourage us to think about what jealousy means to us or where it comes from. And obviously it's bad to unquestioningly validate an emotion that's been known to lead to stuff like, you know, murder. Many evolutionary psychology types fall roughly in this camp.
secret option c) Some thoughtful people subscribe to the "jealousy is a warning sign" philosophy. As spelled out in the excellent alt.polyamory FAQ, this goes something like: [jealousy is] a signal that something [in the relationship] needs investigation and care, much [like] depression or pain. But while this is sometimes somewhat accurate, it's a really incomplete approach. It doesn't acknowledge that jealousy can, frankly, be kinda fun. In a certain way, it neuters the passion and immediacy of jealousy. And jealousy -- need it be said? -- is a very, very powerful passion.
I have noticed, in my own and others' relationships, that jealousy is often accepted as somewhat "nice" or "pleasurable" -- even encouraged, in a certain way that isn't actually harmful. But, while many many people use jealousy in a pleasurable way, most don't think about it.
Personally, for instance -- I don't really mind feeling at least a little jealous if my partner understands what I'm looking for when I express it, viz: expressions of passion / love / devotion. Frankly, if I don't feel a little jealous of my partner when -- say -- there's an obvious attraction between him and someone else, then that's at least as bad a sign as me falling into a jealous rage.
An equally good example is the fact that I like feeling as though my lover is jealous. If I'm dating someone who doesn't get jealous (or who gets jealous but won't be direct and honest about it, which is the worst of all possible worlds!), then I feel less valued -- less desired -- less loved.
I like the passion of jealousy, and the way it intensifies other passions. I like the suppressed violence of jealousy. I like the competitive edge. I like the connotations of ownership, even, and the power games that go along with jealousy. All of these things, of course, as long as they don't get out of hand. Sometimes I think "jealousy usage" practically belongs in the pantheon of BDSM.
But, of course, we all know that jealousy gets very dark very fast; it's playing with fire. It's very easy to go too far, with jealousy -- for instance, if you tell your jealous lover that someone else was all over you, but don't follow up with assurances that you were thinking only of your lover and that you rejected the someone else, then you are asking for relationship trouble. In my mind, this is somewhat analogous to, say, crossing a partner's sexual boundary without asking or trying to be sensitive about the details.
Conclusion: Jealousy is a kink ( like everything else). It's really only unpleasant when it takes a nonconsensual form. Unfortunately, nearly no one thinks of it this way. People don't approach discussions about jealousy in a "here's how I feel about it" way, they approach them in a "my way is the most enlightened" way -- or, worse, in a "my way or the highway" way.
I actually do think that jealousy is a kink for some people -- those into such fetishes as cuckoldry, for example, or similar kinks. But I hadn't thought of it as, perhaps, part of people's kink for D/s (ownership), or as part of a kink for exclusivity.
I certainly doubt I kink on it. I don't like feeling like someone is ignoring me; I'd get into paroxysms of worry about whether I deserve to be ignored, and that's why my partner is off with someone more interesting, or wishes he were.
But I do have a marked preference for exclusivity, and that's something I've never been able to explain. When poly people tell me that having many loves is just like having many friends, all I can do is stare blankly and reply that it's not, cursing myself for having no ready-to-hand explanation aside from "I try to think of lovers like I think of friends and I can't."
Though actually, they may be right about how I do, in a sense. I tended to invest much of my energy in one friend at a time when I was a kid. Just about everything I did, I tried to set up dyads. My ultimate romantic fantasy was of escaping inside a magic gem with my lover and living there together, totally separate from the rest of the world and totally self-sufficient, forever. It was only once I grew up that I started to have many friends at once without wanting to sequester off my favorite person of the friend-group and have us be especially special to one another. Even now, I'm prone to becoming close to dyadic with buddies I'm particularly interested or invested in at the moment.
So... eh. It's not kinking on jealousy, no, but perhaps there is an erotic thrill to "You can't have this person. He belongs to me!" As well as the erotic thrill of having the relationship setup that allows me to dictate to my partner (so long as I know this is healthy for him; if I thought for example that Monkey were constitutionally poly I would never force this) "No one else can have you, unless I choose to bestow you upon them because I'm being generous to you, them, or both. You belong to me, and your sexuality is under my control."
Which doesn't mean that I won't dedicate myself to making sure those needs are healthily met -- it's my duty to make sure they are so long as I have control of them. And as I've said before, I'm pretty laid-back. He doesn't have, say, rules about when he can masturbate, for example. But when he is with me, those needs may not be met immediately as he'd hope at any given moment.
Which really is one of the hot things. I go all gooey inside when he tells me that his pleasure is mine to command, to allow or not allow, because while I know that I really don't want precise moment by moment managerial control over when he orgasms, he means it when he says that ultimately, this is for me, and I get to decide.
This was part of the dispute in the one poly relationship I was in. My partner wanted to consider himself my boy, and for me to be dominant over him, yet I was not even his primary partner. Therefore I couldn't control him that way. His sexual life was split between me and someone else, and not only that, someone he considered more important. I tried to fulfill this need in me by asking him if I could have control of something particular, say anal eroticism for him, or even something kinkier and less likely that his other partner would want. He didn't understand this, I don't think. Hence my enduring skepticism that I could share someone who submits to me.
As far as jealousy goes, though, I guess it depends on what the kink is. Is it just the fierce pang of possessive emotion? That could easily be something people desire to feel, or stir up in their lovers. If it's the crushing feeling of not being good enough, of being emotionally neglected by a bored or busy partner, I doubt that's a particularly healthy thing to play with.