The things we fear
Humans are such silly creatures. We fear such childish things while remaining ignorant and oblivious to the important things in life. Yesterday was a day that I once defined as the most important day in this year. I dreaded its coming to the point where my hand would shake and my heart would race. I was scared to death of that day, what it would bring, what I would become. Yet... nothing happened. It passed on as a normal day where I laughed, remembered, had fun, and crawled around on the floor in an attempt to relieve my boredum. Except for a phone call to let someone know I still care, the day was nothing special... Humans are such silly creatures.
I take this as a positive sign. I think I'm geniuenly healing and slowly becoming the person that I want to be now. I've had the desire to go out more often at a level I consider sociable and "healthy." I do not obsess over it and still enjoy my solitude but, I also want to be around people and enjoy their company when they actually seek me out. I'm opening up more to people I barely know (hell, we don't even call each other by our real names). Even my brother was able to note the change when I said, "I'm chillin' with some friends later." Aparently I have never said such words before. Hard to imagine I was so antisocial that everyone thought I hadn't a single friend in the world but, I suppose, I might have actually been that secluded... I think I might have been...
In a counter perspective, as feared, the consequences of this change are coming about as per my hypothesis. I'm slowly forgetting my previous personality and the things assossiated with it. Smells, feelings (physical), feelings (emotional), and the memories associated with them are slowly becoming distant nastalgias. Soon, I wont remember them at all... This ring around my neck... I fear that I'll forget its meaning when my change is complete. Also, I fear the defenitions that I once gave important words will change. I will attempt to hold onto pieces of my former self but then I wonder if my change can be complete if I hold on to relic sentimentalities from an age left behind.
*sigh* I so hate it when I have to do this. It feels like I'm betraying the things I once said. But, then again, when my ideas betray me I suppose I have no choice but to abandon them... It's all very confusing but if I can do it once I can do it again.