i've got mood poisoning, it must be something that i hate.
I am so fucking sick of everything. Absolutely fucking everything.
She is so fucking hypocritical. She tells me to be honest about everything, so I have been. She tells me to tell her things that maybe I don't fucking want to tell her, so I do. But does she return the favor? Of course not. I'm not allowed to know half the shit that goes on. I'm not allowed to know exactly what she's going through, because she doesn't want to tell me.
I didn't want to tell her about half of this shit. I didn't want to tell her that I'm in love with her. I didn't want to tell her that I started cutting again. I didn't want to tell her that she is the only person I've seriously considered having a romantic relationship with, the only person I've seriously considered losing my virginity to. But I fucking did, because she wanted me to.
And now that I want her to tell me stuff, ohnono. I can't know, I'm not allowed to know, she doesn't want me to know.
I don't care what she wants me to know or not anymore. I don't care if she thinks it'll hurt me, because I fucking know that's an excuse. If she didn't want to hurt me, she knows how to make it stop. But she won't. Because of her perfect fucking cunt of a boyfriend and her fucking stupid reputation she has to protect, especially now that she's vice captain. Because nobody would ever want a fucking dyke for a vice captain.
I am sick of her. I really really want to fucking hate her, but guess what! I FUCKING CAN'T. Why not? BECAUSE I LOVE HER TOO FUCKING MUCH.
She doesn't even care. She wants to live her perfect little life, with her boytoy and her vice captain badge and me out of the picture.
Yet, when I tell her I want to kill myself, she tells me I'm being a fucking idiot. I'm fucking sorry that I can't handle this bullshit anymore and that I am fucking losing it. I can't handle the fucking circles anymore. I can't handle the fact that when things maybe start to look up a little my thoughts go back to her and it just starts again. There's one way to stop the circles and she knows what that is.
I just sent her a PM asking her about a couple of Confessions posts, too. Because she doesn't want me to know what they mean, she doesn't want to go down that path again. I am still fucking on that path. I have been on that path for three fucking months at the very least. It makes no difference what they mean. My thighs still look like like god-knows-what. It makes no difference whether she tells me or not, because this fucking addiction has got me again and, like it was at one point last year, I can't sleep unless I bleed a little.
Not that she fucking cares.
She is so fucking hypocritical. She tells me to be honest about everything, so I have been. She tells me to tell her things that maybe I don't fucking want to tell her, so I do. But does she return the favor? Of course not. I'm not allowed to know half the shit that goes on. I'm not allowed to know exactly what she's going through, because she doesn't want to tell me.
I didn't want to tell her about half of this shit. I didn't want to tell her that I'm in love with her. I didn't want to tell her that I started cutting again. I didn't want to tell her that she is the only person I've seriously considered having a romantic relationship with, the only person I've seriously considered losing my virginity to. But I fucking did, because she wanted me to.
And now that I want her to tell me stuff, ohnono. I can't know, I'm not allowed to know, she doesn't want me to know.
I don't care what she wants me to know or not anymore. I don't care if she thinks it'll hurt me, because I fucking know that's an excuse. If she didn't want to hurt me, she knows how to make it stop. But she won't. Because of her perfect fucking cunt of a boyfriend and her fucking stupid reputation she has to protect, especially now that she's vice captain. Because nobody would ever want a fucking dyke for a vice captain.
I am sick of her. I really really want to fucking hate her, but guess what! I FUCKING CAN'T. Why not? BECAUSE I LOVE HER TOO FUCKING MUCH.
She doesn't even care. She wants to live her perfect little life, with her boytoy and her vice captain badge and me out of the picture.
Yet, when I tell her I want to kill myself, she tells me I'm being a fucking idiot. I'm fucking sorry that I can't handle this bullshit anymore and that I am fucking losing it. I can't handle the fucking circles anymore. I can't handle the fact that when things maybe start to look up a little my thoughts go back to her and it just starts again. There's one way to stop the circles and she knows what that is.
I just sent her a PM asking her about a couple of Confessions posts, too. Because she doesn't want me to know what they mean, she doesn't want to go down that path again. I am still fucking on that path. I have been on that path for three fucking months at the very least. It makes no difference what they mean. My thighs still look like like god-knows-what. It makes no difference whether she tells me or not, because this fucking addiction has got me again and, like it was at one point last year, I can't sleep unless I bleed a little.
Not that she fucking cares.