Date Night
"All right, guys. We'll see you in a little bit, okay?" Kris promised, bending down to give Kaleb a kiss and get a good look at Jesse.
His eight-year-old looked well on the way to shutting down. No matter how many reassurances Kris and Katy gave, Jesse still had a hard time with their leaving him in the care of someone else. Last time, he'd given himself a haircut in Adam's bathroom, and generally ran around and made trouble.
"You're gonna be just fine," Katy was telling him. "Alisan will take good care of you while we're gone, and Kris and I will be back in time to tuck you in for bed, okay? How's that?"
"Whatever," Jesse shrugged, his eyes focused intently on a string on his shirt.
"Bye bye, Kaleb," Kris said, trying to distance himself from the sound of his 2-year-old sobbing as if his little heart was being ripped out.
"Love you, guys," Katy added.
Both Kris and Katy breathed a sigh of relief once the door closed behind them.
"It's so quiet out here," Katy observed, and Kris laughed.
Adam had been right. Kris and Katy definitely needed a break.
Kris held the car door open for his wife, and then got in himself, eagerly driving them to this amazing restaurant Adam had picked out, with a great romantic atmosphere. Kris didn't care where they ended up eating. Right now, Olive Garden sounded romantic enough for him.
--
Jesse ignored it when Kris and Katy left on their dumb date night with each other. Kaleb cried because he usually could go everywhere with them, but not this time. This time, they wanted it to be just them.
Inside, Jesse's stomach twisted, like it did when he was nervous. What if they decided they liked it on their date and didn't want to come back? Or maybe, once they talked it over, they would decide they didn't really want him that much anyway. It didn't matter to Jesse that he was getting adopted. He wasn't adopted yet. So they could still change their minds.
Really, Jesse was kind of mad at Adam, because this had been Adam's whole idea. He said some lame shit about how Kris and Katy hadn't had much time to themselves lately and arranged a special night for just them. It wasn't fair, if you asked Jesse. But no one ever asked him anything.
They were probably having dinner at some fancy restaurant where the napkins were cloth and you couldn't yell or run around or anything. He had been to a place like that once, with Kris. Boring city.
"Want! My! Daddy!" Kaleb sobbed.
"Hey, buddy. It's okay, I promise. Daddy will be back really soon, okay? You want to play something? Legos?"
"No!" Kaleb howled, trying to lunge out of the arms that held him.
That was another thing that made Jesse totally messed up inside. This girl that Adam said would watch them. Her name was Alisan, and she wasn't like Katy, or Tyler or Allison, or even Joan. She looked like she wouldn't know what the hell she was doing.
Jesse shook his head. He didn't know if he could trust Adam that good anymore. Or Kris and Katy either, since they decided it was a good idea to leave him and Kaleb behind and that wasn't right.
Kris and Katy had talked to him, about how they were coming back, like they always did, but Jesse never bought it for one second. Not until he could actually see them for real. In between, he just got wild because he didn't know how else to be when everything was all wrong in his life.
"Come on, Kaleb. Let's go," Jesse said importantly, taking him out of Alisan's arms and walking into the kitchen where there was a computer. He wasn't allowed to use the computer, especially to go online, but Alisan didn't have to know that. Jesse might as well be in charge anyway. Kaleb only stopped crying when he held him.
"Hey, what are you up to over there?" she asked, hurrying to follow them.
"YouTube," Jesse shrugged. She couldn't get mad about that.
"No, I don't think so, guys..." Alisan said, grateful that the computer looked to be kept inside some kind of locked cabinet. She hoped Jesse didn't have the key.
"Come on. Just give me the key. I just want to watch something really funny. It's not inappropriate!" he exclaimed, seeing the look on Alisan's face like she didn't trust him anymore than he trusted her.
Alisan laughed, in spite of herself. "As comforting as that is, I think we're going to skip the computer. How about a game?"
Jesse rolled his eyes. "How about TV!" he asked, leaving Kaleb sitting precariously on the computer chair and taking off to find the remote. He knew all about the secret code they put on the channels, and he could break it, too. Because he was very good with numbers, especially if they had to do with something he really wanted.
But it turned out, Jesse didn't even have to do the code. MTV was just waiting for him to watch. It even had Christina Aguilera on, looking hot, singing some song about getting dirty. Jesse sighed. This was gonna be a great night for him, anyway. Screw Kris and Katy. At least he had Christina.
--
"Nemo?" Kaleb asked, looking straight into Alisan's eyes, his chin still quivering.
"You want to watch Nemo?" she asked, smiling. Jesse was a handful, but Kaleb was so adorable, she couldn't very well have said no when Adam asked her to watch them for a few hours.
"Yes. I watch Nemo. 'Kay?" he nodded convincingly, laying his head on Alisan's shoulder.
"Okay, we'll watch Nemo. Let's find him."
Alisan walked into the living room and her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. Jesse was busy watching some creepy music video to Miss Murder. The classy-looking woman had a black rabbit in her arms and when she put it down, it instantly multiplied into half a dozen. The lead singer had a crazy look in his eye as he sang about taking his life.
"Okay! Time for some Nemo!" she announced brightly.
"No," Jesse said easily. He'd like to see her try to change the channel on him. It was just getting to the good part, too. Where all the rabbits hopped away and the lady with red lips watched them. Jesse thought they were kind of cute. And kind of spooky, too.
But Alisan found the DVD, popping it in and taking the remote from the place where Jesse had hidden it between the couch cushions. She pressed play and Kaleb squealed.
Sighing, Jesse got up and left the room.
--
"Did you remember to leave our cell numbers for Alisan, in case she needs to reach us?" Katy asked, and Kris sighed. She had barely touched her food.
"Alisan's got my number," he said, trying to be patient. He was worried about leaving the boys, too, but so far, every time Kris tried to change the subject, Katy brought it right back to something she was sure they forgot to do. It was exhausting. "Here. You've got to try this," he encouraged, stabbing a fat ravioli with his fork and holding it out to her. If she wouldn't eat her own food, maybe she would eat some of his.
"Mmm," she said, nodding in approval. "That's good, what's in it?"
"Cheese?" he guessed. "I can't tell. It's covered in this amazing red sauce. Can I have your garlic bread?"
"Yeah, if you don't want any love from me the rest of the night," Katy teased.
"Oh, whatever! You can't resist me..." Kris scoffed good-naturedly.
"Garlic breath is disgusting," she defended, laughing in spite of herself as he snatched the bread off her plate and took a noisy bite.
"Very romantic..." Katy smiled, rolling her eyes at his ridiculousness.
But the truth was, she really loved her husband.
Their eyes locked across the table, and Kris stared into Katy's eyes for a long moment.
Yes, he decided. They had needed this.
--
"Wunaway Jesse," Kaleb babbled as Alisan tucked him in after he was in soft blue PJs with Winnie the Pooh. He had eaten a snack, and they had read a story, The Runaway Bunny.
"It's the Runaway Bunny, goof-ball. Jesse didn't run away, I promise."
Alisan had one ear cocked and was listening as Jesse made random phone calls. Whenever he did, a cell phone rang, somewhere in the house. Alisan knew she should have gotten after him for it, but she could only concentrate on one kid right now.
She pulled the covers around him, making sure his humidifier was on, and his little VCR was playing "Spirit: The Stallion of the Cimmaron," which seemed to be his bedtime movie of choice. Alisan couldn't imagine watching this movie and trying to fall asleep. She'd seen it in theatres and come out bawling.
"Ali, kiss?" Kaleb asked sweetly.
"You bet," she answered and kissed his cheek before turning out his light.
"Night! Ya you, Ali! Ya you, Jesse!!" he screeched to make his voice heard to wherever his big brother was.
"Love you, Kaleb..." Jesse called from the kitchen.
"Ali!" Kaleb exclaimed. "Jesse not wunaway!"
"I told you," she said laughing. "Now watch your movie and go to sleep. Okay? I love you."
--
Kris and Katy were on their way home when Kris and Katy found themselves practically at a standstill, several cars behind a horrible accident. It was obvious from the mess and the fire that the main road wouldn't be fit to drive on.
Katy glanced at her watch and then felt for her cell phone. "Shoot, Kris! My phone isn't here!"
"It's okay. I got mine," he said, carefully maneuvering the car into a position where he could safely turn around. "We're gonna have to take the long way."
"It's already after 8:00, though. We're gonna be so late. Give him a call, okay? Let him know we're on our way," Katy suggested, waiting until Kris did to breathe a sigh of relief.
"What?" she asked, when he hung up righ away.
"Line's busy."
--
Jesse watched the clock anxiously. He was learning a lot now, and he knew how to tell time. He knew that right now was his bedtime. Kris and Katy promised to come home, but they weren't here.
He hung up the phone and called again, feeling sick each time he heard Katy's phone sing a song about Romeo and Juliet in a country voice. He was starting to hate that song.
"Jesse?" Alisan sighed, getting up from the couch for the millionth time. He was like a boomerang. She would tuck him in, and seconds later, she would find him on the phone in the kitchen.
He swallowed, backing up. He didn't want to piss Alisan off, because he trusted her least of everybody. Jesse didn't know yet what she was like when she got mad. He hoped she was like Katy, but was pretty sure she would end up being like his real mom. They both had brown hair.
Jesse let the phone drop on the counter and tore down the hall to his bedroom where he hid under the covers. He was trying his super-hardest to be good. He hadn't cursed or spit or punched or kicked or hit or screamed or hurt himself or anybody. But he was scared. This was the very worst thing he could think of in his whole life.
He never wanted to lose Kris and Katy. But it really didn't look like they were coming back.
Under all his covers, Jesse shook bad, like he was really cold. His stomach growled because he had been too busy thinking to eat a snack, and Alisan had been too busy helping Kaleb to notice. He reached under the bed to find his Ninja Turtle lunchbox. It was full of snacks. An apple. A fruit roll-up. A granola bar. Some Goldfish crackers. Some graham crackers. But Jesse couldn't eat any of it.
"Jesse?" Alisan called. All the other times she had taken him back to bed herself. He had been sulky or cute, or angry, but he had never run from her.
All the heavy blankets made it hard to breathe and Jesse was afraid he might suffocate. Alisan couldn't find him. Otherwise, he didn't know what was gonna happen. Tears made his throat close up, and burned his eyes. Jesse tried to never cry because it didn't help anyway, but sometimes he couldn't help it.
--
Alisan stopped in the doorway of Jesse's room, hearing broken sobbing from the lump under Jesse's comforter and sheets. His breathing sounded too shallow, so Alisan carefully pulled the covers off his head.
--
Jesse stared at her. He felt like he was going to throw up, and he never knew what to do when this happened, so he just stayed very still. He tried to take a deep breath, but that didn't help.
When she reached for him, he made himself small, flinching away from her and hitting the wall. "Please!" he begged quietly, his voice breaking. "I won't do it anymore! I swear!"
--
Alisan stood, speechless, keeping her hands in the air so he could see them. "Okay...I'm not going to hurt you. I just wanted to make sure you were okay."
But Jesse was obviously beyond comfort. All of a sudden this kid, who had probably been through hell - way worse stuff than being sent back to bed in a normal tone of voice - was inconsolable. He cried so hard, she thought he might vomit. He'd crossed his arms, and was rocking himself, hard, into the wall behind him. It looked like it hurt, but she didn't dare touch him. She could smell urine.
When she shifted her weight, he took it as an advance and screamed in terror, scrambling under the bed to hide.
Alisan stood as still as possible, her heart breaking for him, tears sliding down her own cheeks. When Kaleb woke from the noise, she went to him, knowing that he was a child she could help.
On her way to Kaleb's bedroom, she dialed Kris's number on her cell phone.
--
Kris was sliding the key into the lock when his phone rang. They were now nearly an hour late, but they were home. After the big accident they had seen, both he and Katy were relieved to be home in one piece.
But then they pushed their front door open and heard Kaleb crying, and Jesse...absolutely sobbing.
Without checking with one another, Kris took off toward Jesse's room, while Katy found Alisan trying to comfort Kaleb - and probably herself, too, Katy gussed - singing to block out the sound of Jesse's screams.
"I'm so sorry, Alisan. How long has he been doing this?" Katy asked, taking Kaleb into her arms.
"Just a few minutes. I don't know what happened. He just looked at me like he didn't know me. Then he just ran and I found him crying and hyperventilating under all his blankets so I moved them off his head so he could breathe and he just flipped out," she explained apologetically.
"Mama, Jesse 'care me..." Kaleb cried, burying his face into her neck.
"I know," she soothed. "Jesse scares you when he gets scared. But it's okay. Daddy is gonna make Jesse all better."
"It's okay," she said to Alisan. "This happens every once in a while. Something triggers it. Could be the way you move toward him, or a look on your face. Or something else that he just interprets as a threat. We're trying to get a handle on it, but he still has hard times."
"I should go..." Alisan said shakily, standing up.
"It's happened with us, too. Please don't feel bad," Katy tried, wrapping Alisan in a hug with her free arm.
Kaleb, by now, had stopped crying, and joined Katy in the embrace. "'Kay, Ali," he said, patting her hair, with his chubby hand. "My Daddy make it all better. Kay?"
--
By now, Kris knew better than to run toward Jesse in these moments, even though it was exactly what his body wanted to do. Instead, he forced himself to stay calm, and walked nonchalantly into Jesse's room. Kris heard the thumping mixed in with the crying and immediately knew that had hidden under the bed.
Trial and error had taught Kris that he could never try to pull Jesse out. And he couldn't talk him out, either. The best course of action had been for Kris to shimmy beneath the bed, and right alongside his son, so that's what he did.
"Hey, Jesse?" Kris asked softly. "It's Kris. Katy and I are home."
There was no sound except for Jesse's labored breaths, his sobbing and the sound of his forehead hitting the floor with an unnerving force.
Wordlessly, Kris reached out and placed a hand over the place Jesse was hitting.
"Katy and I are home now," he repeated firmly. "It's okay," he said, catching Jesse's head each time he tried to bang it, and easing the blow. "You need to stop, okay? Everything's all right, and you're safe."
--
Jesse didn't feel anything except Kris's hand in the way of the floor. At first it made him mad and he tried to move, and hit harder, but Kris wouldn't let him. He was just talking the whole time. Like Jesse could hear him and understand what he was saying.
Finally, after enough time went by, Jesse laid his head down in Kris's hand.
"Can you come out now?" Kris asked, like he had all the time in the world. And because he said it like that, and Jesse believed him, he found that he could move.
--
Kris cradled Jesse in his arms, once they were both out from under the bed. He didn't care about the pee, or the fact that Jesse had screamed himself hoarse. And for the record, Kris thought the best investment he and Katy had made was the green leather La-Z-Boy recliner for the corner of Jesse's bedroom. They had both realized over the past several months the way Jesse watched Kaleb with a kind of longing, whenever he was being rocked.
Now, Kris or Katy would make sure that Jesse got the chance to be taken care of by them, too. For the most part, Jesse would let himself be held and rocked. Tonight, Kris even snagged the lunchbox with his toe. He fed Jesse Goldfish crackers, and gave him sips of water.
There was never pressure to talk, but always plenty of opportunities.
"I love you. You know that? And I'm always gonna come back if I leave. Just like tonight. Katy and I left to go out, but we came back, right?"
"We watched 'Finding Nemo'," Jesse offered, settling in a little more.
So, Kris sang.
"Somewhere beyond the sea. Somewhere, waitin' for me. My lover stands on golden sand and watches the ships that go sailin'..."
"Ew. Lover," Jesse wrinkled his nose.
Kris laughed. "Think of it as another word for Katy."
"Oh," Jesse nodded. "Yeah. That is better."
"So, you wanna tell me what happened?" Kris asked. "What scared you?"
Jesse sighed. He guessed he could. Because things finally were starting to feel okay again. He was wrapped in this really nice, soft blanket, for one thing. He was dry, and he got a snack after all. And Katy had come in to give him a kiss goodnight and let him know that Alisan said bye.
"I thought I pissed-- I mean, I thought I made her mad. Alisan. And she had brown hair like my other mom. So I thought she was gonna be mean like her, maybe."
"Okay," Kris nodded. "Well, Alisan isn't like your biological mom, even though they both have brown hair."
"I kind of know that now..." Jesse admitted quietly. "Just not then."
Kris smiled sadly. "Okay. Well, you're not in any trouble. We didn't change our minds while we were gone," he said, reading the fear in Jesse's eyes. "We still want you to live with us and grow up here, so we can all be a family together."
"When are you gonna adopt me?" Jesse asked. "'Cause I really need to be adopted. My therapist even says. It would make me more secure and stuff."
"We're working on it, okay?" Kris told him seriously. "It's a lot of paperwork and legal stuff that has to be done first. And we really need you, too. Kaleb needs a big brother, and Katy and I really need an eight-year-old son who we can go fishing with and out to baseball games. Katy wants to teach you to cook. We need to keep you safe. We need to love you."
Jesse sighed, and looked into Kris's eyes again. He could always tell when Kris was telling the truth, because Kris was always honest. So, he asked the last question he usually got too scared to ask and chickened out. "Why else do you need a kid like me?"
"Because," Kris said simply. "Our family's not complete without you."