December: Chapter 11
Title: December
Prompt: Scars
Medium: Fic
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Notes: Also fornolechica, who requested future Adam on the drabble meme.
Summary: Adam has endured a massive brain hemorrhage and is left with a scar that he can‘t hide.
It always happened. Every time Adam looked in the mirror. He did a double-take, because his reflection still didn’t look anything like himself. Maybe, he was hoping that when enough time passed, he could look at it and he would be like he was before. But that wasn’t happening. He was gaunt. His hair looked ridiculous and his scar was horrendous.
There was a time when Adam genuinely believed that nothing could be worse than being trapped in a burning room while a child screamed. Now he knew that wasn’t true. This was worse. Because people couldn’t see most of his deficits. Sure, they would take notice of the scar or the way he limped, or the way his left hand still hung a little awkwardly at his side. They might notice the slight downward tilt of his mouth. But soon all that would be gone, and what he would be left with is the same thing he had now. A brain that no longer did all the things automatically that it used to be able to do.
Adam clenched his jaw. There was so much here that was out of his control. So much that he wished he could have back so he wouldn’t take it for granted. The feeling of someone’s hand in his. His handwriting, which had gotten admirably good since he had taught himself to sign autographs with his left hand after the fire.
“Adam? You all right?” his dad asked, tapping on the door.
A flash of temper shot through him, and Adam very nearly threw something. He would have, too, if it wouldn’t send his dad running in to see what was wrong. As it was, he could hardly do anything completely on his own, without his dad hovering right outside a door, or right with him as he walked.
“I’m fine,” he said, forcing himself to sound fine. He eyed the electric shaver on the sink, and willed his dad to get busy with something else. Though it was hard and he was swaying by now, eventually, Adam got his wish. He heard his dad pick up a call on his cell phone and walk away from the door.
Carefully, Adam pressed the button to set the clippers buzzing. He would start where there was the most hair, and end where there was the least. Adam forced himself to look his reflection in the eye as he did it. His eyes were sharp and focused, his face was pale and the scar on the side of his neck was raised and pink.
But shaving his head and standing up at the same time was proving a difficult task, so Adam moved until he could sit on the closed toilet. He still had a mirror. He still had hair. But what was the use of having hair when he wasn’t even going to be able to do it himself? What was the use of having hair that completely didn’t match?
He just wanted some control, that was all. So Adam started on the left side, watching his reflection, watching as the black hair fell to the floor. It didn’t take long, actually. Adam was done before he knew it.
He did his best to step around the hair, and get a good view of himself now. This would help. It had to.
But as Adam met his own gaze, for a second, he couldn’t breathe. He looked so much like his high school self. Too much. He could feel the insecurity that he had worn quietly since this had all happened, slowly take him over until he was standing slumped a little forward. His shoulders hunched. He averted his eyes.
He remembered what it was like to hate himself.
And if it were possible, he hated himself more now than he ever had.
Things could always be worse, Adam realized, not able to hold back the tears that quietly tracked down his face.
--
“Do you want to go in there, or should I?” Eber asked, studying the face of Kris’s wife, who had just invited herself over, wanting to visit.
“I’ll go!” Jesse volunteered. “I can pick the lock.”
Okay, so maybe it hadn’t been the best idea to stop by with the kids, but she was on her way home, and she thought that them seeing each other could be a good thing.
“Me, too!” Kaleb agreed, though he clearly had no idea what they were discussing.
“Nope. You and Jesse stay here with Adam’s daddy, and I’m gonna go talk to Adam.” Katy decided, setting Kaleb in Eber‘s arms. She wouldn’t have been so insistent, but Eber looked nervous and tired and that was so unlike him that Katy wanted to do this for him.
“You Adam’s daddy?” Katy could hear Kaleb asked inquisitively. She imagined him inches away from Eber’s face. The older man said something in response and Kaleb continued. “’Kay. ‘Cause Kris is my daddy.”
“Are you sure you don’t want my help?” Jesse whispered, making Katy jump.
“I appreciate the offer, Jesse, but the way you could really help me right now is by going with Kaleb and talking to Eber. Ask how he’s doing. Be a good guest.”
“Like, say thanks for letting us come over?” Jesse wondered.
“Yes. That would be great. Thank you,” Katy sighed relieved, and tapped on the bathroom door.
--
“Adam?” he heard someone call.
This voice was new. Katy’s. What was she doing here? Adam looked helplessly at the mess of hair on the floor as he gripped the sink and swayed again. He wasn’t used to being on his feet this long and hoped he wouldn’t fall.
“I’m coming in,” she said softly, turning the knob.
Panicked, searched in vain for a place to hide but there was nowhere. So he just stood and waited for her to find him.
--
Quietly she stepped in and closed the door behind herself
Katy’s heart was beating hard in her chest. She didn’t know why - maybe it was the look in Eber’s eyes - but she had a sense that something was wrong. That’s why she didn’t ask to come in before she did it. But that was also why she never wanted to open the door in the first place.
It was no secret that Adam had been quiet lately. His new hobby of choice, according to Kris, was sleeping. Any time, morning, noon or night. Katy knew depression - she had battled it herself. She knew what it looked like, and saw it mirrored back in Adam’s eyes. In the hair that littered the floor. In the way he gripped the sink. In everything.
Wordlessly, she moved to his side, supporting him a little so he could maneuver and make it to the only available seat in the room.
She clasped his hands in hers and stared into his eyes. They seemed to have changed color with the shaving of his head, and now they were a dull gray shade that she had never seen. Tears were making their way down his face.
--
This was why he loved Katy, Adam decided. Because she was so unlike any member of his own family.
His mother would have flipped out. His brother would have had some one-liner. (“That’s not your best look,” came to mind.) And his dad would probably just insist that they sit down and talk this out. But none of that would matter. None of that would do any good, because Adam wouldn’t be able to explain how much he wanted a way to express how pissed off he was, how all he wanted was to fix this one thing about himself, in hopes that it would shift everything else into focus. But instead, he had made it all worse.
“It’s worse than before,” he said softly, sadly.
Katy was silent a minute and then asked, “Worse, how?”
“Now, there’s nothing to hide behind. Now, I’m like I was before. In high school. But worse because I have all these scars. She…uh…Allison…she told me once that the scars aren’t wearing me, I’m wearing them. But what about now?”
“You feel really vulnerable like this?” Katy surmised, doing her best to piece together what Adam was trying to put across.
“Yes,” Adam nodded, feeling helpless.
--
The wheels in Katy’s head were turning, and she prayed that she would make the right decision.
“You know, Jesse’s here,” she offered hesitantly. “He really wanted to see you. Even offered to pick the lock in case you locked yourself in here. You think you’d want to talk to him?”
Adam shrugged. “He’s just a kid, Katy. And I’m messed up right now. I don’t want to scare him or make him feel bad or anything.”
“It’s totally your decision. If you want to talk to him, I can get him for you. If you don’t, that’s fine. I won’t be offended.”
Adam sighed. “No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to him.”
So, Katy got up and went out the door, speaking first to Eber and then to Jesse.
--
Adam wished he had thought to clean up before Katy brought Jesse in. Or ask Katy for a hat. Oh, well. He supposed it didn’t matter. Jesse had already seen him look pretty bad already.
“Hi,” Jesse said quietly, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the floor cross-legged and stared up at Adam solemnly.
“You cut all your hair off, too,” Jesse observed finally. “I did that. At your house, here, remember? Right in this bathroom.”
“I remember,” Adam echoed.
“I hated my hair. That’s why I did it. But then when it was all done, everyone could see, you know, all the scars on my head and stuff. I didn’t think about that before but once I did it, it was too late. I felt pretty dumb about it. But now I got a new hairstyle that’s way better than the other one,” he offered. “Maybe you’ll get a better one.”
Adam bit his lip, trying to hold back the question that begged to be asked. And then he just figured, what the hell.
“Do you ever wonder, why you?”
Jesse nodded, silent. He was quiet for so long that Adam wondered if he was going to speak again.
“…But then I figured…” Jesse said, as if they had been in the middle of a conversation. “I figured, if somebody was gonna be hurt, I’d want it to be me. Not my little brother and sister. Because I’m big and I can take it better than they can. I don’t deserve it, like you don’t deserve what happened to you, but don’t you think you’d do it if it could protect someone else? Like, you’d have it happen to you if it was going to stop it from happening to me, right?”
“In a second,” Adam said. “But it’s not really that situation for me. This just happened to me. It wasn’t for any higher purpose.”
For a few seconds their eyes were locked, and then, without a word, Jesse stripped off his sweatshirt.
“What are you doing?” Adam asked, but in a second he knew.
Because there was Jesse, light brown skin marked by scars of all shapes and sizes. Adam saw cigarette burns, surgical scars and more that he couldn’t identify. Silently, Jesse stood up, leaving his own shirt on the floor with Adam’s hair. Then, he extended his hand and waited.
--
The last thing Katy expected was to see Jesse walking out of the bathroom, bare-chested, holding Adam’s hand. Jesse had lived with her and Kris for a long while, and they could count the times they saw him without a shirt. He kept himself covered always.
She and Eber were shocked into silence, but Kaleb shrieked.
“Oh! Jesse naked! Can I be naked?!” so excited he would have toppled over if not for Katy’s firm grip on him.
And in spite of the serious situation - in spite of his hurting heart and all his scars that would always be there - Adam cracked a smile, as Jesse squeezed his hand.
Prompt: Scars
Medium: Fic
Rating: PG
Warnings: None
Notes: Also fornolechica, who requested future Adam on the drabble meme.
Summary: Adam has endured a massive brain hemorrhage and is left with a scar that he can‘t hide.
It always happened. Every time Adam looked in the mirror. He did a double-take, because his reflection still didn’t look anything like himself. Maybe, he was hoping that when enough time passed, he could look at it and he would be like he was before. But that wasn’t happening. He was gaunt. His hair looked ridiculous and his scar was horrendous.
There was a time when Adam genuinely believed that nothing could be worse than being trapped in a burning room while a child screamed. Now he knew that wasn’t true. This was worse. Because people couldn’t see most of his deficits. Sure, they would take notice of the scar or the way he limped, or the way his left hand still hung a little awkwardly at his side. They might notice the slight downward tilt of his mouth. But soon all that would be gone, and what he would be left with is the same thing he had now. A brain that no longer did all the things automatically that it used to be able to do.
Adam clenched his jaw. There was so much here that was out of his control. So much that he wished he could have back so he wouldn’t take it for granted. The feeling of someone’s hand in his. His handwriting, which had gotten admirably good since he had taught himself to sign autographs with his left hand after the fire.
“Adam? You all right?” his dad asked, tapping on the door.
A flash of temper shot through him, and Adam very nearly threw something. He would have, too, if it wouldn’t send his dad running in to see what was wrong. As it was, he could hardly do anything completely on his own, without his dad hovering right outside a door, or right with him as he walked.
“I’m fine,” he said, forcing himself to sound fine. He eyed the electric shaver on the sink, and willed his dad to get busy with something else. Though it was hard and he was swaying by now, eventually, Adam got his wish. He heard his dad pick up a call on his cell phone and walk away from the door.
Carefully, Adam pressed the button to set the clippers buzzing. He would start where there was the most hair, and end where there was the least. Adam forced himself to look his reflection in the eye as he did it. His eyes were sharp and focused, his face was pale and the scar on the side of his neck was raised and pink.
But shaving his head and standing up at the same time was proving a difficult task, so Adam moved until he could sit on the closed toilet. He still had a mirror. He still had hair. But what was the use of having hair when he wasn’t even going to be able to do it himself? What was the use of having hair that completely didn’t match?
He just wanted some control, that was all. So Adam started on the left side, watching his reflection, watching as the black hair fell to the floor. It didn’t take long, actually. Adam was done before he knew it.
He did his best to step around the hair, and get a good view of himself now. This would help. It had to.
But as Adam met his own gaze, for a second, he couldn’t breathe. He looked so much like his high school self. Too much. He could feel the insecurity that he had worn quietly since this had all happened, slowly take him over until he was standing slumped a little forward. His shoulders hunched. He averted his eyes.
He remembered what it was like to hate himself.
And if it were possible, he hated himself more now than he ever had.
Things could always be worse, Adam realized, not able to hold back the tears that quietly tracked down his face.
--
“Do you want to go in there, or should I?” Eber asked, studying the face of Kris’s wife, who had just invited herself over, wanting to visit.
“I’ll go!” Jesse volunteered. “I can pick the lock.”
Okay, so maybe it hadn’t been the best idea to stop by with the kids, but she was on her way home, and she thought that them seeing each other could be a good thing.
“Me, too!” Kaleb agreed, though he clearly had no idea what they were discussing.
“Nope. You and Jesse stay here with Adam’s daddy, and I’m gonna go talk to Adam.” Katy decided, setting Kaleb in Eber‘s arms. She wouldn’t have been so insistent, but Eber looked nervous and tired and that was so unlike him that Katy wanted to do this for him.
“You Adam’s daddy?” Katy could hear Kaleb asked inquisitively. She imagined him inches away from Eber’s face. The older man said something in response and Kaleb continued. “’Kay. ‘Cause Kris is my daddy.”
“Are you sure you don’t want my help?” Jesse whispered, making Katy jump.
“I appreciate the offer, Jesse, but the way you could really help me right now is by going with Kaleb and talking to Eber. Ask how he’s doing. Be a good guest.”
“Like, say thanks for letting us come over?” Jesse wondered.
“Yes. That would be great. Thank you,” Katy sighed relieved, and tapped on the bathroom door.
--
“Adam?” he heard someone call.
This voice was new. Katy’s. What was she doing here? Adam looked helplessly at the mess of hair on the floor as he gripped the sink and swayed again. He wasn’t used to being on his feet this long and hoped he wouldn’t fall.
“I’m coming in,” she said softly, turning the knob.
Panicked, searched in vain for a place to hide but there was nowhere. So he just stood and waited for her to find him.
--
Quietly she stepped in and closed the door behind herself
Katy’s heart was beating hard in her chest. She didn’t know why - maybe it was the look in Eber’s eyes - but she had a sense that something was wrong. That’s why she didn’t ask to come in before she did it. But that was also why she never wanted to open the door in the first place.
It was no secret that Adam had been quiet lately. His new hobby of choice, according to Kris, was sleeping. Any time, morning, noon or night. Katy knew depression - she had battled it herself. She knew what it looked like, and saw it mirrored back in Adam’s eyes. In the hair that littered the floor. In the way he gripped the sink. In everything.
Wordlessly, she moved to his side, supporting him a little so he could maneuver and make it to the only available seat in the room.
She clasped his hands in hers and stared into his eyes. They seemed to have changed color with the shaving of his head, and now they were a dull gray shade that she had never seen. Tears were making their way down his face.
--
This was why he loved Katy, Adam decided. Because she was so unlike any member of his own family.
His mother would have flipped out. His brother would have had some one-liner. (“That’s not your best look,” came to mind.) And his dad would probably just insist that they sit down and talk this out. But none of that would matter. None of that would do any good, because Adam wouldn’t be able to explain how much he wanted a way to express how pissed off he was, how all he wanted was to fix this one thing about himself, in hopes that it would shift everything else into focus. But instead, he had made it all worse.
“It’s worse than before,” he said softly, sadly.
Katy was silent a minute and then asked, “Worse, how?”
“Now, there’s nothing to hide behind. Now, I’m like I was before. In high school. But worse because I have all these scars. She…uh…Allison…she told me once that the scars aren’t wearing me, I’m wearing them. But what about now?”
“You feel really vulnerable like this?” Katy surmised, doing her best to piece together what Adam was trying to put across.
“Yes,” Adam nodded, feeling helpless.
--
The wheels in Katy’s head were turning, and she prayed that she would make the right decision.
“You know, Jesse’s here,” she offered hesitantly. “He really wanted to see you. Even offered to pick the lock in case you locked yourself in here. You think you’d want to talk to him?”
Adam shrugged. “He’s just a kid, Katy. And I’m messed up right now. I don’t want to scare him or make him feel bad or anything.”
“It’s totally your decision. If you want to talk to him, I can get him for you. If you don’t, that’s fine. I won’t be offended.”
Adam sighed. “No, it’s fine. I’ll talk to him.”
So, Katy got up and went out the door, speaking first to Eber and then to Jesse.
--
Adam wished he had thought to clean up before Katy brought Jesse in. Or ask Katy for a hat. Oh, well. He supposed it didn’t matter. Jesse had already seen him look pretty bad already.
“Hi,” Jesse said quietly, closing the door behind him. He sat down on the floor cross-legged and stared up at Adam solemnly.
“You cut all your hair off, too,” Jesse observed finally. “I did that. At your house, here, remember? Right in this bathroom.”
“I remember,” Adam echoed.
“I hated my hair. That’s why I did it. But then when it was all done, everyone could see, you know, all the scars on my head and stuff. I didn’t think about that before but once I did it, it was too late. I felt pretty dumb about it. But now I got a new hairstyle that’s way better than the other one,” he offered. “Maybe you’ll get a better one.”
Adam bit his lip, trying to hold back the question that begged to be asked. And then he just figured, what the hell.
“Do you ever wonder, why you?”
Jesse nodded, silent. He was quiet for so long that Adam wondered if he was going to speak again.
“…But then I figured…” Jesse said, as if they had been in the middle of a conversation. “I figured, if somebody was gonna be hurt, I’d want it to be me. Not my little brother and sister. Because I’m big and I can take it better than they can. I don’t deserve it, like you don’t deserve what happened to you, but don’t you think you’d do it if it could protect someone else? Like, you’d have it happen to you if it was going to stop it from happening to me, right?”
“In a second,” Adam said. “But it’s not really that situation for me. This just happened to me. It wasn’t for any higher purpose.”
For a few seconds their eyes were locked, and then, without a word, Jesse stripped off his sweatshirt.
“What are you doing?” Adam asked, but in a second he knew.
Because there was Jesse, light brown skin marked by scars of all shapes and sizes. Adam saw cigarette burns, surgical scars and more that he couldn’t identify. Silently, Jesse stood up, leaving his own shirt on the floor with Adam’s hair. Then, he extended his hand and waited.
--
The last thing Katy expected was to see Jesse walking out of the bathroom, bare-chested, holding Adam’s hand. Jesse had lived with her and Kris for a long while, and they could count the times they saw him without a shirt. He kept himself covered always.
She and Eber were shocked into silence, but Kaleb shrieked.
“Oh! Jesse naked! Can I be naked?!” so excited he would have toppled over if not for Katy’s firm grip on him.
And in spite of the serious situation - in spite of his hurting heart and all his scars that would always be there - Adam cracked a smile, as Jesse squeezed his hand.