On The Edge: Chapter 4
By the time Adam got done talking to Jesse and cleaning up his omelet mess, Kaleb had fallen asleep while Elmo encouraged them to help somebody named Mr. Noodle.
Jesse was creeping forward to turn the DVD off and turn the channel when Adam came in.
“Hey,” Adam whispered. “Do Kris and Katy still stretch him when he’s sleeping like this?”
“Nah,” Jesse said easily. It was better to talk to Adam now that he was full, and remembered how they were friends. “His legs aren’t tight when he’s sleeping, see?” he pointed out.
But Adam was already bending down and gently scooping Kaleb into his arms. When he startled, Adam flashed back to the first time he held Kaleb when he was six months old. Somebody had done something - laughed or talked a little too loud - and Kaleb had startled badly in his arms.
“It’s okay,” he soothed gently, keeping a hand on Kaleb’s back and patting it a little. When Kaleb sniffled and started to whine, Adam almost panicked before he remembered a trick that had always worked on him.
“Hush-a-bye. Don’t you cry. Go to sleep, little Kaleb. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little ponies.” Adam sang softly, taking plenty of liberty with the song and purposely putting in Kaleb’s name.
He carried Kaleb to his room and kept singing, “In your bed, Adam said. Kaleb, riding off to dreamland. One by one, they’ve begun, dance and prance for little Kaleb. Blacks and bays, dapples and grays, running in the night. When you wake, you shall have all the pretty little ponies.”
Laying Kaleb in the crib, Adam pulled the blanket over him. “Can’t you see the little ponies dance before your eyes? All the pretty little ponies will be there when you arise.”
When Kaleb didn’t stir, Adam turned to leave and nearly jumped out of his skin when he saw Jesse silhouetted in the doorway.
Silently, he gestured for Jesse to follow him out and closed the door behind them.
“Did you write that song?” Jesse asked, trying to sound less impressed than he was. Adam was a really good singer. Jesse had never heard him sing before. He sounded almost as good as Kris did.
“No,” Adam laughed softly. “I didn’t write it.”
“Then how come it’s got yours and Kaleb’s name in it?” Jesse was kind of jealous about that. He never heard of a song his own name in it, except for a super lame one called Jessie’s Girl. It was spelled like a girl-Jesse, and Jesse didn’t even want any girls, so the song couldn’t be about him even if he wanted it to be.
“I just put them in. I changed the words to Kaleb and Adam.”
“Oh. Well, could it say my name? I mean, I don’t, like, want you to sing to me or anything. I’m just wondering if it’s possible,” Jesse said, pulling on the brim of his hat. It was Kris’s hat, but Kris let him wear it.
“Sure,” Adam agreed, mirroring Jesse’s tone of nonchalance. “Anything is possible.”
“Okay,” Jesse shrugged.
“Can I say good night to Kaleb?” Jesse wondered. He was feeling a little nervous to be with just Adam at Kris and Katy’s house. Plus, they were always there when he went to bed, and they weren’t now. Jesse felt the bad feelings start again.
“Nope, we’re going to let Kaleb sleep,” Adam said quietly, steering Jesse gently away from Kaleb’s door.
Jesse stiffened, so Adam let go, hoping that he didn’t decide to go talk to Kaleb anyway.
“Let’s have a snack,” Adam offered, and Jesse seemed to relax.
Adam tried to remember what Katy had said. He was used to giving kids choices, but choices freaked Jesse out when it came to food. It didn’t matter, either, that Jesse had just eaten a meal. Adam felt sure it was important for him to have plenty of opportunities to be fed.
“Here. Think fast.” Adam said, tossing a chocolate pudding container Jesse’s way. He caught it and smiled.
“Hey, cool,” he smiled. Kris and Katy usually didn’t let him have sugary stuff before bed.
“I’ll be right back,” Adam said, remembering the stash of old food under Jesse’s bed. He sent one backward glance toward the table, where Jesse sat, eating his pudding. Then, Adam continued down the hall, pressing an ear to Kaleb’s door, and then walking into Jesse’s room.
Adam looked around and smiled. The carpet was strewn with superheroes and Legos, but the bed was made. Sweeping some toys aside with his foot, he got down on the floor and reached under the bed.
Adam blinked and he was back in the guest house in Costa Rica. Smoke and heat pressed in around him, and a child screamed from beneath the bed. Adam blinked again and shook his head. He couldn’t be doing this when he had kids to take care of. So, he gritted his teeth and reached under, but with his other arm. He found the Batman cape in an awkward lump, along with a moldy pack of string cheese, and an entire box of fruit roll ups.
Biting his lip, Adam looked again and saw the lunchbox, all the way back against the wall. He could reach it, but only if he really stretched. His neck would end up pressed to the bed frame, just like in the fire. Adam fingered his scars gently.
His neck had healed. And finally, his hand had, too. He had a little less range of motion and dexterity now, and he had less feeling in it, too. It was more difficult to hold a pen or a spoon, but Adam didn’t let it show. At least now, he wasn’t in pain.
He just didn’t want to reach under that damn bed. His heart was racing, and anxiety was climbing higher in his chest, but he forced himself to breathe. Even though he still heard the fire roaring in his head, Adam plunged a hand under, pressing his neck to the frame, in order to stretch all the way back. Even though it was his good side, it didn’t matter.
The fear still came, so big it might eat him alive.
After an eternity, Adam snagged the lunchbox handle and pulled it out. He took a few steadying breaths and walked to the kitchen, cape and lunchbox in hand.
“What are you doing with those?” Jesse asked, eyeing Adam. Just his luck that things start to look okay and then Adam had to go messing them up again. He watched, his heart hammering, as Adam unwrapped the secret food from the bat cape and dumped it in the garbage.
Adam was about to respond when he heard a sickening thump behind him. It was rhythmic and harsh. He turned in time to see that Jesse had slid out of his chair and was hitting his head against the wall. His expression was frighteningly blank, but his eyes were full of hurt and fear. Adam would have been freaked the hell out, except he had heard Kris and Katy mention this. Things clicked in his mind.
This was an old behavior. Something Jesse did when he didn’t have words to explain what upset him. He was removing himself. Hurting himself so he couldn’t be hurt.
Adam didn’t hesitate, dropping to the floor, and scooting Jesse away from the wall. When he went for the table next, Adam intervened.
“I’m gonna pick you up. Don’t be scared, okay? Listen to me,” Adam kept his voice calm, scooping Jesse up as he said the words. He ignored how Jesse went stiff in his arms. “Hey. It’s all right,” he assured, and then felt Jesse’s head, which already had a bump. Adam wondered if he’d missed this earlier.
“Here,” he said, opening the freezer and pulling out some frozen vegetables. “Hold this on your head.”
Jesse did nothing but stare right through Adam, so Adam pressed the bag gently to Jesse’s bump.
“There, that’s nice and cold, huh?”
Jesse squirmed in Adam’s arms.
“Okay, I can put you down, but I’m going to hold your hand,” he set Jesse on his feet, and snagged a hand before Jesse jerked away. Adam didn’t need him escaping and doing more damage to himself.
He was unsure of what to do first - whether Jesse needed an explanation of what Adam had been doing, or to deal with whatever was making him beat his head against the wall. But he made his decision quickly, walking toward the back door, noticing with relief that a bag of cans still hung on the handle.
“I think it’s can-crushing time,” Adam said simply, grabbing Kaleb’s baby monitor from the counter and clipping it to his back pocket.
When the back door opened, Jesse stopped cooperating. He clung hard onto Adam’s hand, standing right where he was. He was so scared he thought he might throw up. He hated being locked out. Even though it wasn’t cold, it didn’t matter. It was night. He used to always get kicked out of the house before. It was a long time before he could get back in.
Sighing, Adam backtracked a little, closing the door, and getting down on Jesse’s level, not touching him, hoping like hell he wouldn’t run.
“Take a deep breath,” Adam instructed, and waited. “Look at me. I will never hurt you. Kris and Katy would never let someone take care of you who was going to hurt you. And I’m not letting you hurt yourself either. You need to get some of these feelings out, so I want you to go out there, and stomp on some of these cans with me. Remember how I taught you?” Adam asked, relieved when Jesse nodded a little. For a good measure, he flipped on the outside light.
“Don’t want to be locked out,” Jesse rasped.
“I’m not locking you out. I’m coming right with you,” Adam said evenly, guiding Jesse outside. “I’m only closing this so that Kaleb won’t wake up from the noise. See?” he said, testing the handle, and letting Jesse test it, too. “We can still get in.”
Finally satisfied, Jesse dumped the cans out. He let out the biggest yell ever and crushed two at once. Then he wrecked more and more and more.
Adam stood back, and let him go, not speaking, not joining in.
When Jesse felt like he was done, he picked up the crushed ones and put them in the crushed bag. He put the ones that were still okay in the other bag.
“Okay,” he said, breathless and sweaty.
“Okay?” Adam repeated. He came over, and squatted, looking into Jesse’s eyes. “Are you calm now?”
“I think so…I think…” Jesse nodded, still breathing hard.
“No more hurting yourself,” Adam said, leaving no room for argument.
“No,” Jesse confirmed.
Adam nodded and offered his hand, noticing that Jesse didn’t take it until they were both safely indoors with the door locked behind them.
Jesse’s eyes fell on the cape, now covered with crumbs and macaroni noodles. “Am I in trouble?” he managed, his heart stumbling in his chest.
“Shit, shit, shit,” Adam said the words softly, and then took his own advice and paused to breathe. “I should have explained this to you before I did it. No, you’re not in trouble. I took this food out because Kris and Katy asked me to. Because macaroni and stuff doesn’t keep for very long. You always have food in this, though, right?” Adam gestured to the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lunchbox that still had a piece of ancient masking tape that read: Kristopher A.
Jesse noticed something out of the corner of his eye, and lunged for it. His string cheese. Katy got it especially for him from the grocery store. It was his one thing he got to hold. Now, Adam had just thrown it away, like it didn’t matter at all.
Reaching in, Jesse grabbed it. He saw the fruit roll-ups on the counter, too, and felt tears come to his eyes.
“My string cheese?” he exclaimed, trying to sound mad, but his voice shook too much.
Adam blinked, not quite able to process the sight of Jesse cradling moldy string cheese to his body like it was a treasure. His own nerves were fried, his patience thin, but Adam sat on the floor, pulling Jesse onto his lap.
“Okay, what is this?” Adam asked, pointing to a disgusting gray puff, protruding from the package.
“Cheese?” Jesse guessed, relaxing into Adam little by little. “No, wait. Old cheese?”
Adam wrinkled his nose, unable to believe he was even having this conversation. “This is mold.” Adam told Jesse seriously. “It grows on most food if you keep it in a warm dark place for too long. If you eat it, you get sick,” he looked Jesse in the eye. “I don’t want you to get sick, so I threw it away.”
“But that was my thing that Katy let me choose,” he objected.
“Trust me, she wouldn’t want you to eat moldy cheese. Let’s put it on the grocery list and when she gets home, she’ll know to buy more. And when she does, keep it in the fridge.” he advised.
He talked Jesse through how to spell string and cheese for the grocery list and then Adam took him through the kitchen and helped him stock his lunchbox with fresh snacks.
“Do Goldfish grow mold?” Jesse asked, eyeing the little orange crackers, warily.
“Nope. They’re non-perishable.”
“Huh?”
“That just means it can’t go bad. Food that gets moldy is called perishable because it can grow moldy and disgusting and…perish basically.”
“Dead food?” Jesse asked, incredulous. He knew all about that word perish from church.
A laugh burst out of Adam so loud and sudden that he slapped a hand over his mouth. He didn’t need Kaleb waking up.
“That’s actually pretty accurate. You’re a smart kid,” Adam complimented.
Adam glanced at the time. It was pushing 9:40 PM. “How did it get this late?” he asked out loud, to no one. “You were supposed to be in bed an hour and a half ago, you know?” he told Jesse, smiling.
Jesse smiled back and shrugged in a way that reminded Adam so much of Kris it was a little uncanny.
Even though they were late, Adam stuck to the schedule, and referred to it often, knowing that bedtime might cause more upheaval for a kid like Jesse. Adam read him a chapter from the book he was in the middle of with Kris and Katy, doing voices and making Jesse laugh, and then, Adam tucked him in and said good night.
“I’ll be right down the hall if you need something.”
Jesse nodded and felt something jump inside. That was just what Kris and Katy said his first night here, and it sort of felt like that, too. With Adam around, lots of things were different, and he felt nervous again. He was having fun with Adam. But he really missed Katy and Kris.
He lie awake, hoping they were coming back.
Down the hall, Adam collapsed on Kris and Katy’s bed, exhausted, but knowing better than to close his eyes. Because Adam knew his own nightmares would be closer than he’d like, and the last thing he wanted was to wake up screaming, and scare the boys he was supposed to be taking care of.