Feel Your Light: Chapter 8
Kris glanced up, surprised to have actually heard Jesse’s voice. It was deeper than he expected, given how small Jesse was, and a little raspy, like he had a summer cold.
“Uh…You sure can,” Kris answered, recovering fast.
Katy excused herself to visit with Tyler, leaving Kris in charge of the boys. She was glad to hear Jesse talking and hoped that now they would be a little better able to understand his personality and what he needed.
“No! Is Daddy cake!” Kaleb yelled possessively.
Kris took Kaleb’s chin firmly in his hand, so they were looking each other in the eyes, and told him seriously, “I told we don’t yell.”
Out of the corner of his eye, Kris could see Jesse, frozen in the doorway of the kitchen. Not able to decide whether to risk getting in between Kris and Kaleb or just running. But Kris decided this was a perfect time for Jesse to see how disciplining was done here. He kept looking into Kaleb’s brown eyes and told him. “If I have to tell you one more time, you’re going on time-out. Do you understand?” he asked, keeping his voice quiet and firm.
“Yes,” Kaleb pouted, staring at his high-chair tray.
“Come on in here, Jesse,” Kris invited. “This is for everybody, so everybody helps.”
Jesse tucked his hands in the pockets of his shorts and walked over like he did it all the time. When he just saw some pale-colored slop in a bowl, Jesse wrinkled his nose. It looked gross, but he would eat it if they said to. Jesse did his best to follow directions as Kris showed him how to pour the batter from the bowl into the cake pan.
He felt kind of proud inside when none of it spilled. Jesse saw the box of blue Jell-O and shook it at Kris. “Don’t forget this.”
“Nope, we can’t forget that,” Kris nodded, taking the cake pan and opening the oven.
“Wait! We gotta poke the holes! What are you doing with it?” Jesse demanded, sounding betrayed.
Kris shoved the cake in the oven and turned on the timer, and then turned to explain. “The cake has to bake first. Otherwise, we can’t poke holes in it.”
“That’s not fair!” Jesse exclaimed. “You said I could help and me and Kaleb could poke the holes!” He was close to crying and felt really dumb about it, but Jesse couldn’t help it.
--
“Excuse me,” Katy apologized, hearing the commotion in the kitchen.
“Oh, that’s fine,” Tyler reassured. “I should get going anyway. I just wanted to stop by and make sure y’all were okay.”
The goodbyes were hurried, so that Katy could get into the kitchen where Jesse was close to a total meltdown about the cake. The last thing she expected was to see him slouched against the kitchen wall with a blank face, hitting his head against the wall. Kris was there, looking on, without a clue what to do, and Kaleb was distracted, playing with a spatula and their duck oven mitt.
Katy nodded at Kris, who kept busy cleaning up, and talking to Kaleb about the mess and how he was cleaning it up.
“Hey, hey, hey…” Katy said, dropping to her knees in front of Jesse. Gently, she scooted him away from the wall, so he couldn’t hurt himself. “That’s not okay here. We talk about things here, we don’t hurt ourselves. Do you understand me?” she asked gently, because he’d stiffened under her hands again.
But Jesse continued to stare past her, with no expression on her face.
“You’re upset about the cake?” she asked sweetly.
Jesse ground his teeth together, determined that he wasn’t ever going to talk if all they did is lie and break their promises. But, what did he expect? Then, Katy did something no adult ever did. She pulled him onto her lap. At first he was scared, and sat really still, waiting to see what she would do. But she just kept asking him to talk to her about the cake.
“Tell me about the cake. What made you upset?” she pressed quietly.
“He said…” Jesse mumbled finally, relaxing a fraction in Katy’s lap.
“Kris?” Katy questioned, drawing Jesse a little closer and glancing at her husband who put both hands up, showing both confusion and innocence. “What did Kris say?”
“We could do the holes…” Jesse muttered, swiping at his eyes angrily to hide his tears. “But he lied and put the cake in there,” he gestured toward the oven with his chin.
“That hurt your feelings, huh? I’m sorry,” Katy said, holding him close. She talked at length with him about how it must have felt to not be able to poke the holes when he thought he would be able to.
Across the room, Kris stared in awe at his wife and the undeniable way she had with Jesse. She didn’t just know how to love children, she knew how to love children who had been hurt, and make them feel safe and secure. Katy was amazing, and watching her give words to the feelings that he couldn’t seem to express made Kris feel extra blessed that she was in his life.
“Kack kack kack,” Kaleb said to the oven mitt.
Kris turned in time to see his little boy with the huge duck glove on his hand, the spatula in the duck’s mouth.
“What’s that duck doin’, huh?” he asked, as Katy stood up and took Jesse to stand in front of the oven.
“Ducky have nummy-num,” Kaleb said decidedly.
Kris nodded, not able to help overhearing Katy explaining patiently how the cake had to bake in the oven for a while, so it would be able to have holes poked in it. That otherwise, the holes wouldn’t work, and the cake would make them sick. She flipped on the oven light, letting him see the cake inside, keeping him at a distance so he didn’t get burned.
“When the timer rings, you and I can start making the Jell-O while the cake cools off.”
“Then I can poke the holes?” Jesse asked hopefully.
“Yep. You and Kaleb both,” Katy agreed, letting Jesse continue to stick close to her as they made their way around the kitchen, giving Kris dishes to load in the dishwasher.
“But he probably can’t do it that good. ’Cause he’s just a baby,” Jesse objected.
“Not!“ Kaleb chirped from the high-chair, waving the spatula in the air. “I’m two!”
“That’s right. Everybody helps,” Katy soothed.
She hoped this cake business got done before too long. The boys needed lunch, Kaleb needed a nap. She suspected Jesse could benefit from one, too, but would have to approach to subject carefully. Maybe rest time was less babyish to an eight-year-old than a nap. Above all, though, Katy and Kris needed a break.
--
Jesse peeked out of his bedroom door.
They had finished making the cake, and he even had gotten to poke millions of holes in it with a big fork, like a pitch fork on a farm almost. Then, Kris poured the blue Jell-O that he helped Katy make into the holes. Now the only bad part was that he had to wait again. Katy told him about that. But Jesse wasn’t good at being patient yet.
So once they all ate lunch and Kaleb went down for a nap, and Kris read him a story about Ramona, some little pesty girl who was annoying but kind of funny, especially when Kris did the voices, it was supposed to be rest time. They told him he could sleep or play quietly with the new superhero guys and cars they got from the store.
But Jesse’s stomach was doing that weird growling thing again. Even though he just had lunch, Jesse wasn’t sure about supper. No one told him when it was going to be, or if there would be enough for him. Plus, that cake just looked so good. Jesse crept down the hall, noticing Kris and Katy’s bedroom door was closed. He stopped next to it and listened, but he couldn’t hear anything. Maybe they were sleeping, too.
He made it to the kitchen and opened up the refrigerator. Even though it wasn’t as cool as Adam’s, it did have a lot of food inside it. Really gently, Jesse lifted the cake pan, closed the door on the fridge and walked back to his room.
--
“You were so amazing today,” Kris sighed, kissing his wife. “Seriously. I don’t know how you do it with Jesse, but you just make him feel okay.”
Katy bit her lip and kissed him back. “Well, it wasn’t easy. I don’t want any of my kids hurting themselves.”
“I know,” Kris echoed softly, settling down next to her. “So, are you okay with how things are going? You end up with a lot of Jesse’s tough times,” he observed, smoothing a hand over her hair.
“Yeah, I’m fine with it. He seems to trust me a little more right now. So, totally keep reaching out and doing what you’re doing, though, because needs that. And are you okay with Mr. Feisty?” she asked, referring to Kaleb and his attitude.
“Seriously. What’s up with him lately?” Kris scoffed, happy to have the chance to be a little irritated.
“He’s two, and there’s another kid in the house. He wants us all to himself and it’s going to take some time to adjust. We can handle it, right?” she asked, yawning.
“You bet. We can handle anything,” Kris nodded. “What do you say Mom and Dad take a nap. Kaleb will be out like a light for two whole hours?”
“Mmm. You read my mind,” Katy sighed and let her eyes drift closed, feeling like everything was right in her world, as long as Kris was there with her.
--
Jesse had a big time stomachache.
But how was he supposed to know that Funfetti cake with blue Jell-O, white frosting and confetti sprinkles would taste so damn good? About half of it was gone, and Jesse felt like throwing up, but he wasn’t quite there, so he reached in to take another piece.
The cake was wet, which he wasn’t counting on, but that was okay. Jesse used the cake like a sponge to soak up the blue water on the bottom and then ate it. And it was still the greatest thing he’d ever had. Probably in his whole life. He hadn’t got a spoon either, so his hands were kind of dirty and there were crumbs all over.
He had already figured it out though. Jesse was going to clean up the mess, stash the pan somewhere, and if Kris and Katy asked where the cake went, Jesse would just have no idea. He was good at playing dumb. He kind of was dumb anyway. He couldn’t read hardly at all, or do any of that school stuff. So if he said he didn’t know what happened to it, they would believe him.
Jesse felt hot and cold, like he did whenever he was going to barf, so he moved the cake out of the way under his bed and grabbed his trash can. It was weird colors like the cake was, and Jesse was busy trying not to be sick anymore so he could eat more, when the door to his room came open.
He cursed himself, seeing Katy there, looking all concerned. Why couldn’t he learn to be sick quieter?
“Jesse? Are you okay?” she asked, rushing in and sitting down on the floor with him.
“Yeah, I’m fine,” he told her confidently, even though his mouth tasted gross. A little more cake would take care of that, Jesse was sure. “Must’ve ate something bad at lunch…” he ventured.
“Hmm, maybe…” she mused. Katy studied his hands. His fingers were stained bright blue, and there were crumbs and frosting on his face. “Just to be safe, though, I don’t think you should have anymore of this cake right now,” she said, reaching beneath his bed to pull out the half-empty cake pan. She also caught sight of Pop-Tart wrappers, an apple core, and the other half of the baked potato Jesse hadn’t eaten at dinner the previous night.
Katy set her jaw, walking out into the kitchen. They were going to fix this.
Jesse followed her, desperately trying to convince her that he hadn’t eaten the cake, so that she would give it back. “I didn’t eat that! I swear! Okay, so I maybe had one little piece but I couldn’t help it!”
“Hey, Jesse,” Kris greeted easily. “How’s our cake taste?”
“Better going down…” Jesse mumbled hanging his head. For some reason, he found he couldn’t lie to Kris.
“I bet,” he laughed, and then wordlessly followed Katy as she took care of the rest of the food under his bed, and Kris was stuck disposing of his son’s sickness and disinfecting the garbage can.
“Okay,” Katy said, once everything was clean. “First of all, that was wrong. Do not lie to me,” she told him fiercely. “Second of all, you will never go hungry here. You’ll always have food. We have breakfast, lunch and dinner at the same time every day, and there will always be enough. If you’re hungry, you can ask for a snack. But I don’t want you sneaking food in here and getting sick like this. It’s not healthy.”
Jesse studied the camouflage pattern on his shorts, embarrassed. He would never be able to ask for a snack. He knew better than that.
Kris looked at Jesse carefully, reading reluctance in the way Jesse fidgeted with his clothes.
“How about,” he said, looking at Katy, “If Jesse uses my old lunch box to keep snacks in his room. That way, if he’s not ready to ask, he can still have something to eat, and he won’t have to worry about being hungry.”
Jesse looked up a little bit, raising his eyebrows at Kris.
“That sounds like a good idea. We can put some healthy snacks in there, and you can keep it in your room.”
“So, let’s go fill it up,” Kris said standing up. “I hope you like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, ‘cause that’s what’s on the lunchbox.”
“Who?” Jesse asked, confused.
And in spite of their exhaustion, Kris and Katy laughed, exchanging a kiss over Jesse’s head.