Feel Your Light: Chapter 6
Jesse had sort of fallen asleep by the time Kris and Katy came back to Adam's to pick him up. He didn't mean to, but that couch was so comfy that he couldn't help it.
He made himself not think about anything on the ride home. He made himself not talk again. He just went inside his head and hid there until they parked and opened the van door. Then, Jesse came to life.
--
Kris was tired enough to curl up on the driveway and sleep. When he reached in to unbuckle Kaleb from the car seat and bring him inside, the last thing he expected was for Jesse to physically block him from his son, and do all the unbuckling himself. Kris shook his head. It was too late to try and figure Jesse out. At this point, they all just needed sleep, and he was grateful that the next day was Sunday, so at least he could sleep in a little before waking up for church.
Silently, Kris stayed behind, locking the van as he watched Katy walking nearby and keeping a careful eye on Jesse who carried sleeping Kaleb inside like a pro.
By the time he got in the house, Kris could hear Katy coaxing Jesse to give Kaleb to her.
"Come on, Jesse. I'm just going to lay him down in his crib, okay? He needs to get some rest to help his head feel better."
But Jesse stepped up to the side of the crib himself and put Kaleb down on the mattress. Then, he stood guard there, glaring at the two of them. Kaleb had a bandage by his eyebrow. That was where they must have hurt him and then came up with that lame excuse that he hit his head on accident.
Kris and Katy exchanged a look, not used to being examined with so much scrutiny and obvious hate by an eight-year-old little boy. Kris spoke first.
"Come on, buddy. We'd better get you in bed, too, huh? I bet you're tired."
Jesse stiffened as Kris came toward him and took him by the shoulders to guide him toward his room. He had no choice but to do what Kris said. Otherwise, Jesse might get his ass kicked, too. And then how would be there to protect Kaleb?
For the second time that night, Jesse was tucked in. He let them say good night. He let them hug him and give him a kiss. But Jesse didn't buy it for one second. He let his guard down before and now look what happened? It didn't matter that they did everything the same. That they left his door open so he could see the hallway light. That just meant he would have an easier time going to Kaleb's room later.
This time, when Katy and Kris left, Jesse didn't feel safe, and he didn't let himself sleep. This time, he waited.
--
"What do you think is up with Jesse tonight?" Kris asked, stripping off his tee shirt that smelled like hospital in exchange for another that smelled like laundry detergent and Snuggle Wild Orchid and Vanilla Kiss dryer sheets. He always thought of Katy whenever he put on new clothes, thanks to her strong input on what brand of anything they used.
"I don't know," she admitted with a yawn. "Probably all the upheaval in the middle of the night."
"But he acted up at Adam's. Making messes, talking back, when he never says a word to us," Kris observed, climbing back into bed after listening to the baby monitor for a few seconds to make sure Kaleb still slept.
--
Jesse crept into Kaleb's room as quiet as he could. He knew that stupid walkie-talkie thing in the crib could hear everything, so Jesse made sure that he held his breath.
He walked over to the crib, he reached in, and got a hold of Kaleb, and held him the way he knew you were supposed to hold a baby.
Then, Jesse moved softly down the hall, back to his own room, where he put his pillow by the wall, and Kaleb by the pillow. Then, Jesse got into bed, feeling calmer that if Kris or Katy wanted to hurt somebody, they would have to take Jesse first. And he knew how to make their lives a living hell. That way, Kaleb could be safe, and no one could hurt him anymore.
--
"He sure looks different with short hair," Kris observed quietly. He had been trying to sleep, but couldn't seem to shut his brain off.
Katy mumbled something, and swatted him with her pillow.
"What?" Kris demanded softly. "He does. Hey, do you think I should call Adam and ask him what Jesse was like over there?"
"Kris, please. Can I please go to bed for a few hours? If you call Adam now, his response would be the same as mine is now, which is to beat you with my pillow and then hang up on you. I'm going to sleep."
"Okay, I'm sorry," Kris conceded, drawing Katy close and burying her face in his hair. "Good night. I love you."
--
Jesse got barely any sleep last night because he kept waking up to check on Kaleb who made all kinds of weird noises in his sleep. Sometimes he sounded kind of raspy and sometimes he whined. Jesse was on high-alert the whole time, except for the few minutes he closed his eyes, after discovering that Kaleb liked it you slept with an arm around him. But that few minutes turned out to be just long enough for Jesse to pee all over everything.
It made Jesse embarrassed to have accidents, even though Kaleb didn't care. He didn't want Katy or Kris to find out, but he didn't know what to do. He should probably wash everything how Katy said or else he'd be in really bad trouble.
"Doin' laundry?" Kaleb asked, rubbing his eyes and whimpering a little like his head hurt.
"Yeah," Jesse nodded. He stripped the bed, and took his pajamas off as an afterthought, throwing on some new clothes, and shoving all the dirty stuff in the hamper. Then he sat Kaleb on top of all the dirty clothes and brought the whole thing in the laundry room, and tried to remember what he was supposed to do.
"Mama do it," Kaleb offered helpfully as Jesse took the wet clothes out of the washer and dropped them on the floor. Then Jesse moved Kaleb from the dirty clothes hamper, to a big bucket of clean clothes.
"I got it," Jesse answered softly.
By the time he remembered how to turn the dumb thing on, and add the bleach and detergent stuff (that he almost didn't add, because it came in a gross pink bottle with that stupid teddy bear on it), Kaleb was all whiney about wanting to eat.
"Want my Oh-ee-ohs, Jesse!" Kaleb repeated for the third time.
"Okay, I hear you. Be quiet. We don't want to wake anybody up," Jesse sighed, setting Kaleb in the empty hamper because he liked it, and carrying him back to the bedroom.
"You stay in here," Jesse told him, setting him on the floor. As an afterthought, he tossed the stuffed dog from the bed so it landed next to Kaleb. "Play with that. I'll get us breakfast," he said importantly, closing the door behind him.
--
In the kitchen, Jesse saw that it was seven-something in the morning. That was still early, so if Kris and Katy were like normal parents, they would want to sleep a lot later than that. Jesse found the Cheerios in the little cupboard that spun around, and took it out. Then, he searched for his Poptarts and found them in the pantry.
He brought all that in, and set the box of cereal on the floor next to Kaleb. He took the Poptarts for himself.
Jesse ate quietly, shoving the food in his mouth as quick as he could, while Kaleb ate one Cheerio at a time.
He finished off one package of Poptarts and tore open another, feeling sure that he could take care of Kaleb. He didn't need anybody else.
--
Katy started awake for reasons she didn't know. It came to her quickly enough, though. It was almost nine o'clock, and they hadn't heard a peep from Kaleb, who woke like clockwork at 6:30 no matter what.
She threw back the covers, barely noticing how Kris snuggled down deeper under them, gathering them close like a lover and sighing. She rushed to Kaleb's room, and very nearly screamed. Kaleb was gone.
Before going totally crazy, Katy made herself take a deep breath. There weren't very many places her youngest could be. Only one, really, that made sense. She stepped up to Jesse's closed door, and opened it.
"Hey, Jesse?" she asked, only a little surprised to see him sitting in the middle of the carpet while Kaleb crawled around and ate Cheerios. The bed was stripped, and she realized belatedly, the washer was running. Jesse was dressed in an olive green tee shirt and camouflage shorts. The room had Poptart wrappers everywhere, as well as an empty box. Cheerios were ground into the carpet.
"Mama..." Kaleb whined, rocking forward and back on all fours like he was winding himself up to go.
But Katy knew her son. He couldn't stand and reach to be picked up, so this was his equivalent.
"Okay, listen. I'm going to go make some oatmeal," Katy said, squatting to scoop Kaleb up in her arms. She was brought up short by Jesse, who moved in front of him and glared. Then he picked up Kaleb from the floor.
"Want my mama!" Kaleb cried, lunging toward Katy, and throwing Jesse off-balance.
Katy had no choice but to intervene, or risk Kaleb getting dropped on his head.
"What's wrong, buddy?" she asked Jesse, once Kaleb was settled against her shoulder. He had gone absolutely blank-faced, but there was something behind it she couldn't put her finger on. "I see you got your sheets in the wash. That's awesome." She didn't think it would help to mention that changing clothes didn't help if Jesse refused to ever take a shower.
"Whoa. Did I miss a party?" Kris asked tiredly from the doorway.
Katy didn't miss the way Jesse flinched or how his eyes darkened at the sound of Kris' voice.
"Hey, Kris? Why don't you take Kaleb out to the kitchen and make him some oatmeal. I think he might need a second breakfast."
Jesse could feel his heart speed up inside him. He knew he couldn't let Kris have Kaleb and not be there, so he did his best to try and follow them, but Katy stopped him, putting a hand on his shoulder and making him feel nervous.
"What is it?" Katy asked, wracking her brain and wishing that Jesse could talk to her the way he talked to Adam.
Adam.
"Do you want to talk to Adam? Could you tell him what's wrong?" Katy asked, pulling her phone out of its case clipped to her pajama pants. She offered it to him, hoping Jesse didn't get a wild streak and decide to throw it.
Jesse weighed his options, and realized quickly that he didn't have any at all. It was Adam, or feel like this for as long as Kris and Katy kept him around. Not that Adam liked him anymore either, after he made messes and cursed him out and gave him trouble.
He took the phone gingerly, gritting his teeth as Katy reached over and pressed some buttons. He gave it back to her when she asked and listened, feeling angry and scared when Katy told him that something was wrong and Jesse couldn't talk to her, so could he talk to Adam?
"Here you go. I'll be outside," she offered, handing him the phone and leaving him alone, even closing his door behind her.
--
"Hey, Jesse. What's up?" Adam asked.
"Nothing," he shrugged digging his toes into the carpet.
"Something bothering you?" Adam tried, willing himself not to be annoyed. He reminded himself that Jesse had only been with Kris and Katy since Friday night and it was now Sunday morning after an emergency. "If it is, you can tell me, okay?"
"Yeah," Jesse mumbled sullenly.
"Yeah?"
"I gotta take care of Kaleb," he said seriously.
"Okay..." Adam said, pulling on jeans. "Why?"
"Because he got hurt," Jesse insisted, lowering his voice. "He got hurt like you and me got hurt."
--
Katy barely glanced up when her phone appeared beside her at the breakfast table. She picked it up and said hello, just in case Adam was still there, while Jesse stood by and watched Kris and Kaleb like a hawk.
"Hello? Adam?" she asked.
"He thinks you guys hurt Kaleb like his real mom and dad hurt him." Adam sighed, rubbing his eyes. "He saw my scars last night, and assumed that my mom hurt me the way his parents did. I guess he feels like he can relate to me that way."
"Oh," Katy managed. "Okay. Thanks, Adam."
"No problem, girl. Keep your chin up. And if you need me for anymore translations? I'm here."
"Thanks," she repeated, hanging up the phone, and trying to figure out what in the world to do next.
"Jesse?" she asked, deciding to go with her gut. "Would you keep an eye on Kaleb for a minute? I need to talk to Kris."
So she left the kitchen with Kris in tow, while Jesse stepped stoically up the the side of Kaleb's high chair like a sentry and guarded him. And Katy took Kris around the corner, where she could still keep an eye on them and told Kris their problem.