FIC FOR MANGAMISTREZZ
For: mangamistrezz
From: sashjun
Title: Mint Green
Pairings/Characters: Kame/Nakamaru
Rating: R
Warnings: bj, mpreg
Notes: Dear mangamistrezz, I felt like you really wanted mpreg, so I tried to deliver. I hope you like it. There are parts that are definitely dear to my heart, and I hope you can find some for you as well. Thanks to my beta for all her love, support and help. 8763 words
Summary: The health clinic in Osaka needs a famous laboratory rat to advertise their new project, and Kamenashi Kazuya of KAT-TUN realizes he actually wants to try.
It starts innocently enough. Kame gets invited to a private tour of a high class health care facility in Osaka. Usually this means the offer for advertising will follow. Kame wonders if maybe someone from Kanjani8 wouldn’t be more suitable, but the woman that came to visit him after KAT-TUN’s first concert in Osaka is persuasive enough that he and his manager follow. Somehow the manager is left at the reception, and Kame would be worried, only he’s thirty-two and he can fend for himself. This is not the first time someone tried to get him separated from his entourage. Still when he emerges from the same white sliding door, an hour later, he’s speechless.
“You want me to …” he starts again.
The woman pats his shoulder and smiles. “Just think about it. We need a role model, a responsible and sensible representative. Isn’t it a wonderful opportunity?”
~
Kame thinks about it. He thinks about it in the hotel room, and in between the interviews, and at the dinner with KAT-TUN after the second concert in Osaka. He slaps himself tentatively to make sure it wasn’t just a surreal dream. Junno smiles at him, and slaps his other cheek.
“To make the blush even,” he reasons. Ueda can’t help but guffaw. Nakamaru adds more vegetables to Kame’s plate and smiles.
~
Kame has long given up on the idea of a girlfriend. Sometimes, he entertains the idea of a boyfriend, but even that has failed one too many times to be to his taste. Kame doesn’t like failure. He has his job, his group that seems to have finally settled in numbers, his good wine in the evenings, and his baseball connections. He isn’t unhappy or unsettled. On the contrary, he finally feels good in his skin, safe enough in his cocoon of fame and idol image with just a few close friends and many acquaintances. His family is big and warm, and if he wants to, he can play with his brothers’ kids to his heart’s content.
~
“I need your sperm sample,” Kame says to Nakamaru after their fourth and last concert in Osaka dome.
All of them are gathered in their changing room, and Kame figures he can kill two flies at the same time. It’s not like there’s a perfect timing to break the news of your future pregnancy to people you’ve spent most of your life with through the good and the bad. Through the good and the bad, he reminds himself as Nakamaru gets pale in the face and hot around his neck at the same time. Ueda draws his chair closer, like it’s a show, and Junno slinks an arm around Kame curiously.
“Is this some kind of cocking experiment?”
Nakamaru chokes again.
“Here’s the address,” Kame says, undeterred, and it’s Ueda who grabs the business card from him.
“Explain,” he says, suddenly contemplative.
“I’m getting pregnant. I’ve cleared my schedule for the next year or so.”
It still sounds like such a sci-fi even with all the things he’s read in the brochure he was given in the health center and even with the several clearly pregnant men-a few in their last trimester-that he’s seen.
Junno is the fastest to recuperate, clutching at his heart. “But am I not the best candidate for the perfect genetic material? I’m hurt, Kazuya.”
Ueda chuckles, a little pale, but now mostly amused as he measures both Nakamaru and Kame alternatively, like he knows something. “I am all ears to know the mechanics of this selection process,” he says at last.
“I …” Nakamaru starts, but he just sinks deeper into the couch where he’s been sitting this entire time. This is why Kame had waited until the man showered and sat down to pull on his socks. One of them is still funnily hanging off his big toe.
“He’s tall, he’s not weird and managed to graduate from college,” Kame says, but shuts his mouth before he says more. Like how he thinks Nakamaru’s bottom lip is pretty, and how he always smells good and likes to take care of them all, and how his voice has a really nice color. Before Kame says how he wouldn’t mind if his future child’s genetic fond contained all that-a bit of Nakamaru.
“But his nose,” Junno tweaks it, and Nakamaru squeaks and splutters indignantly.
“My child will have my nose,” Kame says decidedly.
“Because that’s so much better,” Ueda laughs.
“Ueda,” both Kame and Nakamaru say, warningly, and it only makes Ueda laugh louder. Kame feels just a little warm at the fact Nakamaru is more upset about Kame’s nose than his own.
“And this has been cleared with the management?” Ueda asks then, deciding he’s had enough fun for now.
Kame shivers as he remembers that video call. “Money,” he mutters at the end. “Lots of it. I should be the clinic’s new face if …” He trails off. It’s the only way, but it still makes him uneasy how if this works, his face will be on every news channel, on the cover of every medical-and not medical really-magazine all over the world. But he’s a professional. That’s why the clinic chose him. At least he can be sure that it’s in everyone’s good interest that everything goes well.
“I’ll do it,” they all hear Nakamaru say then, out of nowhere, firmly, if a little darkly.
“I knew it.” Ueda pumps his arm, like he just won a bet. Nakamaru dazedly gets up and goes to shower. Again.
Kame thinks that went rather well.
~
The next two months are a blur of health tests and samples taking and weird but strangely painless procedures. Kame pretends he understands how it works until the moment a future life with his and Nakamaru’s genetic fond is suddenly growing in his slowly adjusting abdomen, but it’s fuzzy at best. All he knows is that he comes home one day in early November, and he’s officially pregnant. It doesn’t feel any more real after he’s counted out the weeks and marked the end of July as the time when the baby might come. He figures he should go shopping for pregnancy and parental guides soon.
~
It’s cold outside, and Kame feels strangely tired despite not doing much besides reading books, contemplating cleaning out his office and wading through pastel wall colors. It’s then that Ueda, with two big bags of junk food, appears at his doorstep.
“I come bearing gifts,” he says, as he drags them back to Kame’s kitchen. “Pickles, chocolate, vanilla ice cream, sour candy, more chocolate, some potato chips. I figured Nakamaru would have the fruit covered, but my sister only ever wanted junk food anyway.”
Kame stares. “Nakamaru?” is what he chooses to focus on.
“Well, I saw him reading that prenatal care book, so I assume he’s taking care of your healthy diet. I’m here to make sure you are stocked on the cravings food because he’d probably never buy you sour worms willingly.”
“I haven’t seen Nakamaru since Osaka concerts,” Kame says, sliding onto one of his barstools and watching in horror as Ueda finds a place for all the food. “And I don’t have cravings,” he adds.
Ueda frowns at him, but then smirks as he watches Kame open a bag of sour worms. Kame doesn’t even remember liking these, but something sour sounds good about now.
“Will you breastfeed?” Ueda asks next. Kame throws the whole pack of candy at him.
“What? It’s a valid question. At least I asked. Junno already has a special breastfeeding bra bought for you for when he comes to visit.”
Kame groans.
Ueda leaves him with his sister’s phone number. She’s had a baby not a year ago, and that’s how Ueda can now play the smart ass.
“I’m not naming the baby after you,” Kame shouts after Ueda.
“But Tatsuko is such a lovely name,” Ueda shouts back before he locks the door after himself.
“It’s just an embryo. Why would you assume it’s a girl?” Kame mutters to no one. He rubs his stomach and decides to take a nap. He is grateful that other than hosting his radio show and one talk show on TV, his schedule is empty. He sleeps much more than his trademark four hours these days.
~
“I brought you some vitamins,” Nakamaru says after Kame lets him inside two weeks later. Kame leads him to his kitchen. “Oh,” Nakamaru says, and clears his throat when he sees a whole shelf of them.
“I’m in the hands of professionals,” Kame manages to mutter before he’s sprinting for his bathroom. Nakamaru must have had a lunch at an udon place, and he reeks of it.
Kame clutches the toilet bowl, and it’s Nakamaru’s fingers in his hair that make sure it doesn’t get in the way. Nakamaru’s other hand is soothingly rubbing Kame’s neck, and for a moment, Kame lets it be, taking a few ragged breaths before he gets up again.
Nakamaru is watching him like a hawk.
“Your coat,” Kame mutters, and Nakamaru bolts out of the bathroom.
They talk about the weather and the upcoming party and skip the obvious topics, like the fact that it’s technically Nakamaru’s baby too that Kame is having.
~
Bread is now your friend, Ueda texts him later.
Maybe you should let Nakamaru just move in with you and cook you congee.
I call that romance.
Ueda, stop whatever evil schemes you are thinking of. Right now! Kame finally replies.
Please tell me you didn’t mention any of those schemes to Junno.
~
The rock-hard nipples are a freaking inconvenience, Kame thinks as he buttons up his shirt, getting ready for the Christmas party. He needs to ask his doctor if they can lighten up on women’s hormones next time. A wave of relief washes over Kame as he remembers that from January on, the doctor in charge of him is moving most of her activities to Tokyo to be close to him, and there won’t be any more train rides to Osaka. His doorbell rings, and he thinks of just ignoring it.
It’s Nakamaru, standing in his genkan once again.
Kame watches him, eyes narrowing under his fringe, lip between his teeth. He leans against the chest of drawers, hip jutting. He’s feeling particularly good about his hipline today, and maybe Nakamaru would appreciate it.
“I thought we could go together,” Nakamaru says, stammering a bit and quickly darting his eyes away from Kame.
“Hmm,” Kame murmurs, running a finger down Nakamaru’s chest. He’s wearing a bowtie, and Kame wonders if he maybe has a matching tie. But then, he sobers just as fast. This is stupid. He doesn’t want or need Nakamaru. And who is he kidding? He is a pregnant man. How is that attractive?
~
At the party, there’s way too much food, and it all smells, and Kame feels nausea washing over him.
“Kazuya, what about a bit of fresh air?” Junno catches him by the elbow and steers him to the balcony. “I want to organize your baby shower,” he announces next. “Do you think the baby would like it if I step-danced during it. Babies can hear us, right? We should make sure the baby likes music right from the start. Kazuya, what music are you listening to these days?”
Kame thinks he’s going to be okay, clutching to Junno and letting him chatter, wondering just what he’s getting into by nodding occasionally. Half an hour later, he still finds himself in the restroom.
“Here,” Nakamaru whispers, appearing by the sink. There’s a new toothbrush and toothpaste in his hand.
“Take me home?” Kame says, when he’s done washing up.
~
“I don’t want you to take responsibility,” Kame says in the car. The talk had to come. He doesn’t want to put it off anymore. “This baby is mine, and I’m grateful for … for your input, but that’s just what it is. This is all on me.”
“Do you mean I don’t have to take any responsibility, or do you really not want me to?” Nakamaru asks slowly. Kame wishes there were more lights and cars passing by, so he could see his face better.
“I just thought it would be …” He stops himself before he says something that will make Nakamaru’s responsible, always proper soul even heavier. “I’m just glad it’s you.”
“Me too,” Nakamaru says in the end.
~
Countdown seems so unsubstantial to Kame this year. He wonders where his professionalism went, but all he wants is to sleep. Nakamaru keeps walking around him, brushing his fingers across his back and leaving him fruits and water. Only at times it’s more unsettling than calming, because it’s what Nakamaru’s been doing for a month now, and Kame can’t place his care. It should be simple. Nakamaru always fusses, always takes care of them, always gives them judging looks when he thinks they are doing something stupid but then supports them through it anyway. But there hasn’t been any judging or questioning Kame’s decision to carry a baby, and the support is hesitant but constant, almost vexing in its quietness.
“Are you okay to dance?” Nakamaru asks.
“He’s pregnant, not invalid,” Ueda chuckles at the side.
“He’ll come in like a wrecking ball,” Junno sing songs.
“I’m not fat,” Kame huffs, standing up, suddenly awake. Ueda pushes Junno out of the dressing room, telling him to run, and pets Kame’s belly. He suddenly has this dreamy look in his eyes.
“Be good, baby. Rock with us this one time,” he murmurs, and Kame’s anger seeps out of him. He feels touched, and the doctors really need to tone down his hormone doses. Nakamaru grabs his hand for just a moment, catching his attention, and gives him a tiny smile before Junno barrels back in.
“Group hug,” he shouts out, and somehow he has arms around all of them.
“I hope the fact there’s five of us isn’t going to mess up our formation,” he sighs into Kame’s neck.
“Junno, shut up,” Kame says. It echoes from both Ueda and Nakamaru.
~
Kame watches Nakamaru move around his home office with a meter in hand, pencil stuck behind his ear.
“You will need an armchair and a crib and a table for changing diapers, and drawers for all the clothes.” He stands in the middle of the room, slightly panicked. “Where will you put all this stuff?”
“I’m pretty sure the baby will sleep in my room the first few months,” Kame says, but goes to stand next to Nakamaru. “But I have a plan; don’t worry.”
“And you’re not telling me?” Nakamaru scrunches his nose.
“Ah, I like to keep you on your toes,” Kame says, cheerful, and bumps his hip against Nakamaru’s. Nakamaru looks at him then down his body, eyes catching on Kame’s tummy. It’s end of January, and Kame’s been so flat before that he knows if someone really looks ….
“First trimester is the most fragile,” Nakamaru blurts out. “You’re okay, right? They’re taking care of you?”
Kame leans his head on Nakamaru’s shoulder. He has people caring for him. His family was shocked to say it mildly, but eventually breathed through it all. The doctors are attentive, Ueda almost obnoxious with how he doesn’t want to openly care, but his spare key is in full permanence. But Nakamaru, wrapping an arm around Kame’s waist tentatively, smelling of fresh shampoo and nothing else, taking extra care ever since that first incident, is a whole other level of care. One that Kame wants, on a whole other level too.
Nakamaru clears his throat, handing Kame the sketch of his room with all measurements.
“I hope Ueda doesn’t feed you junk food too often,” he mutters, as he pulls away.
“You two are such a confusing tag team,” Kame whines, and Nakamaru laughs, poking his cheek. “Did I just pout?”
Nakamaru’s eyes crinkle, deep wrinkles and white teeth. Kame feels a little faint, but that’s not new. At least he doesn’t feel sick all the time anymore.
~
All hell breaks loose during the fourth month. Everyone agreed on keeping things down during the first trimester, but now that it’s clear things are going well, the news of Kamenashi Kazuya-country’s beloved idol-being pregnant is spreading like fire.
Kame holes himself up in his apartment. He’s shot the promotional interview that he has in his contract and avoided all questions about who the father is. All that is left of his activities is his radio show, but he finds out he really doesn’t mind, concentrating on making sure his baby will come to him while he’s prepared. Every stage of his pregnancy is photographed and documented thoroughly, but he thinks he might have some really nice pictures taken later. He still feels tired, and his stomach hurts at times, all things normal, as he’s assured one too many times. He decides it’s time to clean out his office, move his books and desk to the living room that he has to rearrange.
~
“Why am I the only one here?” Ueda huffs, as he pushes the small library across the office.
“Taguchi has a drama filming and pretends to be too busy planning my baby shower.”
“And Nakamaru?” Ueda collapses on the already move couched, deciding it’s time for a break.
“Just, you know, busy as always,” Kame sits next to him, lifting his legs up onto a coffee table.
“Never too busy for you though,” Ueda says, giving Kame a pointed look.
“Is that so?”
“Whoa. And I thought you were the normal one among us.”
“Wait, you mean me getting pregnant didn’t give my crazy away?”
“I don’t know. Depends on why you did it,” Ueda shrugs. “It was so sudden.”
“It’s not like I did it without thinking.”
“What about asking Nakamaru to be the father of your child then? Was that a well thought-out decision too?”
“What are you asking?” Kame sits up straight, then collapses back into the couch cushion when he gets dizzy. “And I didn’t ask him to be the father of my child. Not really.”
“So what? Was it really just a conveniently free genetic material? Are you telling me you never thought about it? I mean, are you going to do this all by yourself? You know the kid is going to have his nose, right? Murphy’s laws are a bitch. ”
“You are so optimistic.” Kame scrunches his nose and rubs at his tummy.
“You’re not answering my question,” Ueda says, a little annoyed, but he gets up and brings the teapot into the living room, giving Kame time to collect his thoughts.
“I never meant for there to be someone else with us,” Kame says in the end. “I realized this was an amazing chance to … to live something I might not get to live otherwise. I know it won’t be easy or normal, in the sense normal people think of normal. So I couldn’t ever bring anyone into that equation. It was my decision. But then … then I needed a donor, and he was the only one I could think of…”
“Whoa, I’m hurt,” Ueda says jokingly to break Kame out of his reverie.
“You’re so stupid. If you ever tell any of this to Nakamaru…” Kame elbows Ueda.
“What, you will make me move more of your furniture? Am I going to paint your office too?”
“Ueda…”
“I know, I know. You don’t need me meddling,” Ueda says dismissively, and throws a bag of sour worms into Kame’s lap.
Nakamaru is confusing, but Kame never gets to say that.
~
“I come bearing food,” Nakamaru says when Kame opens the door for him. Kame’s a little breathless, and that is so annoying because he knows he’s fit. It’s normal too, his doctors say.
Nakamaru reaches out to run his hand down his back, and Kame jerks away. He doesn’t need his breath shortening any more.
“Come in, I need you to do something,” Kame says, ignoring the alarm on Nakamaru’s face, and goes to get the tailoring meter. He stands in front of Nakamaru, who sits on his couch, pulling his loose shirt up. “Don’t stare, just measure my waist. Around my belly button.”
Nakamaru does, and his fingers brush against Kame’s skin that is just beginning to stretch, end of the fourth month nearing.
“This is so real,” Nakamaru mutters, as he pulls away.
“Yeah,” Kame nods back.
~
Smuggling Kame out for dinner with Nakamaru involves all of KAT-TUN playing secret drivers, Junno complete in ninja outfit, and Matsumoto buying people free drinks on the other side of Tokyo so that at least half of the reporters stalking Kame get sidetracked.
“So why did we go out to eat?” Kame asks as they walk through a nearby park afterwards.
This is not a date.
Nakamaru shrugs. “I thought it would be nice. As Ueda said you’re just pregnant, not invalid.”
“Just pregnant,” Kame laughs. He knows it sounds a little sour.
This is not a date.
Nakamaru tilts his head and grabs Kame’s hand. “What is going on?” Kame lets him hold his hand until they reach the waiting van with Ueda as the driver.
Kame can’t feel his baby just yet, even if his books say he could. Doctors say it’s because it’s his first time, and it usually takes longer then. He’s doing fine. He has the recent picture from his ultrasound tucked in his wallet, not willing to share with anyone just yet. The crib in his office is waiting to be assembled, and he measures his belly more often than it’s healthy. Still, he wants to feel his baby, wants another reminder it’s real. This is what he wants, someone who will be his family, someone who will need his care for probably the rest of his life. Nakamaru lets him curl into him on the way home, but doesn’t stay even if Kame has wine in the fridge Nakamaru could drink. He awkwardly squeezes Kame’s shoulder in the door when Kame feels himself stupidly leaning up because he feels good and soothed and like maybe he could kiss Nakamaru, and it would feel good. Nakamaru just looks at Kame’s socked toes and leaves.
This was not a date.
~
It’s Kame’s fifth month, and for some reason he’s so horny he has to go and ask Junno to buy lube, thinking up a story about it being the best thing for his squeaking doors. In reality, it’s just that his dick is going to shaft if he doesn’t get his hands on some soon.
Ueda laughs at him into the phone.
“I would even offer my help, but I’m a little far away, you know,” he laughs like a moron from somewhere in Europe, where he’s shooting a new solo PV-a sudden activity to fill in the hole in KAT-TUN schedule that earned Kame imported Belgium chocolate when Ueda had arrived there.
Kame knows he’s in trouble when, for a moment, he imagines Ueda’s lips around his dick. Then he remembers who else has nice lips and prays Nakamaru won’t show up on his doorsteps any time soon.
~
Of course, two days later, it’s Nakamaru who brings the lube.
“Junno is a traitor,” Kame murmurs, and tries to shut the door on Nakamaru, who is looking at him with his typical worry and mild wonderment in his eyes. His lip is between his teeth and then he lets it go, and it’s big, bitten and slick.
“You have to know, even Ueda would do about now,” Kame says breathlessly then, and pulls at Nakamaru’s collar. He bites Nakamaru’s lip like he’s wanted to do probably for years now and tells himself it’s just hormones. He nips down Nakamaru’s neck, and Nakamaru grabs his hips, bony fingers running up and down his sides before he pulls Kame away. They’re still in his genkan.
“Anything you can give me,” Kame says, voice shaking only a little, when Nakamaru makes him look into his eyes.
“Fine,” Nakamaru says, and it’s a little like when Kame asked him for his sperm sample, and he doesn’t know why he’s thinking of that now. How easy it is to ask Nakamaru for things that should be difficult. But then Nakamaru is pushing him towards his bedroom, sitting him on the edge, fingers nimble but careful as he pulls off Kame’s shirt and kneels between his spread legs.
Kame hears himself almost sob when Nakamaru laps at his nipple. He wants that mouth lower, but this is already better than anything he could do himself, and he grips Nakamaru’s hair in his fingers. Nakamaru kisses down his belly, still not too big, but so clearly and painfully there, and it’s so embarrassing the way it makes Kame shiver. He’s grateful Nakamaru doesn’t linger, just pulls at his loose sweats. Kame is so hard, and he gasps when Nakamaru palms his cock, rubbing the tip before he wraps his mouth around it.
When Nakamaru grips Kame’s thighs, first touch that isn’t delicate and careful-measured-while Nakamaru’s head bobs up and down, Kame’s hit by the reality of the situation. He’s tiptoed this line with Nakamaru so many times, sideways looks, bitten lips and stolen touches, but they’ve never even kissed, always made effort to keep themselves clear of anything that wasn’t camaraderie or professional, and now Kame’s pulled them over the edge. He panics, pulling at Nakamaru’s hair. Nakamaru groans, and his tongue swirls around the head of Kame’s cock. His fingers fumble with Kame’s ball, nails on his other hand still sinking into Kame’s thigh, and Kame comes, gasping for air and eyes tearing up from pleasure and shock.
~
Kame wakes up, confused and thirsty, and realizes his head is pillowed on someone’s bony arm. Nakamaru is staring down at him, glasses perched on his nose, book on prenatal care spread on his stomach.
“Are you okay? You just kind of fell back and went to sleep, and I didn’t know if you wanted me to, uhm, wanted me to leave, or.”
Kame shakes his head.
“I wanted to try something,” Nakamaru says when Kame stays silent. “I’ve read that babies are usually most active in the evening and that you can feel them most when you’re calm, lying down or so.”
Kame is anything but calm, but he nods.
Nakamaru fluffs a pillow under his head, and moves to lie next to him, on his side. He grabs Kame’s hand and puts it on his own stomach.
“It can only feel like trembling, like butterflies in your stomach,”
“Like you,” Kame murmurs. His eyes widen, and Nakamaru looks away, his hand falling away from Kame’s.
They both take a deep breath.
“Sorry, that was stupid,” Kame starts saying. Nakamaru leans down, brushes their lips together lightly, rubs his big bottom one under Kame’s and sighs. He then pulls away.
“Don’t think about it now. Try talking to your baby,” he mutters.
Kame doesn’t like to be told not to think about it. It leaves him unsure and stretched. He scrunches his nose again.
“Hi baby,” he mutters. He wants to say that this is stupid, and they should talk about it. But then he feels it, as if trembling of his insides only he’s sure that it wasn’t his stomach at all, and it’s like something in him moved in the next moment, and he blinks, again and again. Nakamaru’s eyes are big and dark, like he knows. Kame sighs and closes his eyes.
“Hi baby,” he repeats.
~
The days are longer and warmer already when Kame’s back starts to ache really badly. His constant visits to the toilet are annoying, and he can’t even properly lift his arms anymore.
“I see that it’s going with a swell,” Junno comments when Kame complains to him over the phone in an effort to stop Junno’s grand plans for his baby shower. “By the way I’m going with you to your next ultrasound. I bet the baby will spread the legs for me, so we finally find out if it’s a girl or a boy.”
Kame hangs up and texts Ueda instead.
I need you to come paint my walls.
He can’t stand not having the place finished. It makes him feel like he’s not ready. He needs it to be perfect.
I see mama hen is finally nesting, Junno texts him some time later, and Kame is going to kill Ueda.
Not doing it. But Nakamaru’s coming over to do it instead. Ueda texts eventually. He can paint your walls, color your world in bright colors and tint your heart with pink or something.
It’s a shame that being a role model and a responsible parent means that Kame can’t pay for a murder.
~
Soft, minty green is the perfect color for the walls; thin white stripe near the ceiling. He can accessorize later depending on the gender. He would never consider pink for all four walls anyway.
Nakamaru paints with focus, methodically and slowly, making sure the color is distributed evenly and just thick enough.
“Do you have a preference?” he asks, eyes not leaving the walls.
Huh?” Kame asks, chair pulled into the doorway because he can’t stand for too long without his ankles swelling.
“About the gender. What would you like more, a girl or a boy?”
Kame bristles. “I will love either just the same. It doesn’t really matter. I only want to know so that I’m ready.” He thinks he’ll never be ready. The sixth month is ending, and the baby is already wistful with him.
“No, I know,” Nakamaru stops just for a second to glance at Kame in panic. “I just, sometimes future parents still feel this preference. I guess I don’t understand, then,” he trails off.
Kame feels his heart ache. It’s as if Nakamaru doesn’t consider himself a parent. And that, that is what Kame wanted. This is how he imagined it. But now.
“What would you want?” he asks quietly.
Nakamaru stays silent until the third wall is finished. Even then, he doesn’t turn to Kame, only moves all the things closer to the last wall and stirs the color in the bucket a little.
“A boy,” he mutters.
And now Kame knows Nakamaru has actually thought about it, and wants to ask him why a boy. Nakamaru starts painting again.
“You know, this could’ve probably waited until the baby is born. Since it seems to want to keep you in the dark. You have time,” Nakamaru says, after the silence gets a bit too much.
“No it couldn’t have waited,” Kame says, and somehow anger is rising in him. “And I don’t have the time to stall,” he says loudly. Nakamaru turns around.
“I just thought it would be better to make sure-”
“Sometimes, you have to take the risk. Sometimes you can’t wait to make sure,” Kame says, and he knows he isn’t talking about the walls anymore. “Things have changed for me. This baby is my priority now. Anything else, no matter what I may want or need, is secondary.”
Nakamaru is finally looking right at him. He tries to reach for Kame, but Kame jerks away. “You have paint all over your hands,” he says, and turns around. He feels nausea, and it’s for the best he leaves the room full of the smell of paint and confusion.
“I’ll finish this,” Nakamaru mumbles after him.
~
On some evenings, as Kame rubs at his stomach and talks to his baby, he feels like colors keep getting muddy in his life. He chases those thoughts away with colorful sour worms, his only persisting craving, the only one he can satisfy anyway.
~
All of KAT-TUN piles into the small check-up room when Kame is ready for his next ultrasound. Junno had the date mid-seventh month marked in his calendar since he found out about it. Ueda claims they should all go to establish their support in public eye. They walk in when he’s already lying on the examination table, tummy protruding and slick. Somehow, he finds his hand held in Nakamaru’s cold one. As the doctor shows them the head, arms and feet, checks and measures the organs, the hand holding his starts to shake and sweat, though it doesn’t let go.
“And everything is okay?” Nakamaru asks, when the doctor falls silent for a moment. The doctor nods and zooms in yet again.
When Junno coos at the monitor, the doctor moves the cold paddle one last time and then smiles wide.
“So do you still want to know the gender?”
Kame kind of wants to say no, all of a sudden uncertain, like knowing will seal some unknown faith hanging over him.
“Yes,” Junno shrieks excitedly. “Everything for the baby shower must be color appropriate.” Ueda smacks him nonchalantly.
“What do you say?” Nakamaru asks Kame directly, squeezing his hand until it hurts.
“Yeah,” Kame breathes out. “Yeah, okay.”
The doctor zooms a little. “I’m about ninety-nine percent sure you’re having a girl.”
Junno whoops loudly. Kame stares at the monitor. “Do you want another picture?” the doctor asks him then.
He nods, wordlessly, and soon the monitor flicks off and the doctor cleans most of the gel away, leaving him more tissues to finish. She hands a picture to each of them with a wink and disappears next door into the office. It’s only then that Kame looks around himself.
Ueda is grinning at him, but it’s as soft as it is mischievous.
“I knew it,” he says, and pats Kame’s hair.
Junno is excusing himself because he can’t use his phone in here, and he has a million things to get ready now. “I told you your baby wouldn’t be able to resist my charms,” he says happily as he leaves.
Where did J&A even find his bandmates? They’re all such freaks in their own right. Kame startles when he feels Nakamaru cleaning his stomach some more with a shaky hand.
“We’ll leave you to get dressed and finish the check-up,” he says. All Kame can think of is whether Nakamaru is disappointed. Whether that’s why his gaze flickers anywhere but to Kame and he fidgets. It almost overpowers the elation at knowing he is having a baby girl. He barely listens to what the doctor says for the rest of the session.
When he gets out of the office, only Ueda is leaning against the wall, his mouth set in a hard line.
“I’ll take you home. Everyone else had to leave,” he says. Kame knows Nakamaru doesn’t have any schedule today. It was Nakamaru himself who said so.
“Thanks,” Kame mutters.
~
Kame’s former office still doesn’t have the second layer of paint done three weeks later. Nakamaru hasn’t come by or answered Kame’s calls since the day of the ultrasound. Kame is seven months pregnant. He is upset because Nakamaru got Friday’d bar-hopping twice in the past weeks, doubling his all carrier count by doing so. He is shaken because the only explanation in his mind for Nakamaru’s strange behavior is that he is so disappointed the baby is going to be a girl that he doesn’t want it, doesn’t want them anymore.
Ueda’s told Kame that’s stupid. But he also said Nakamaru is an idiot, and he is about ready to punch someone.
~
Everything is so neon pink in Kame’s apartment that Kame’s head spins from it. At least he has a reason this time. He is sitting in the middle of a pile of toys and diapers and cutesy dresses, and these tiny, tiny baby shoes from Ueda, which are actually yellow and perfect, are in the palm of his hand. His baby shower is winding down. He can hear Jun shuffling around his kitchen, applying safety rubber on all his edges and lower handles, like his baby girl is going to come out of his stomach and start running around his apartment right away. Junno is pulling helium balloons off Kame’s ceilings because Kame threatened to send a hundred of them to Junno’s own apartment if he doesn’t tie them to something before he leaves. Strangely enough Junno is actually afraid of balloons in big numbers. Ueda is absentmindedly browsing his music library on his sound system, and Kame can hear him murmur underneath his breath, something about having to bring the baby some decent music soon. Nakamaru is drinking orange juice, sitting on a wooden chair in a corner of Kame’s living room, as far away from him as possible, and he is staring.
Kame is starting his eight month of pregnancy, and he thinks about missing Nakamaru much more than he thinks about the name for his baby girl. It’s wrong. It’s not how things should be. It has got to stop.
Kame drinks the rest of his water, sets the perfect shoes on the coffee table and strolls across his room, as much as a pregnant rolling stone can stroll anyway, and pulls Nakamaru into his bedroom.
“Are you going to tell me why, after taking me on a date, sucking my cock, kissing me and leading me to believe you are here for me, you disappeared completely?”
It’s blunt, but Kame doesn’t care anymore. He feels pressure behind his eyes, like he’s about to cry, and he knows it’s the pregnancy talking. But at least he is talking.
Nakamaru runs a hand down his face then bites his lip.
“If this is about the fact it’s a girl, I swear I’m going to have you castrated so you can never have that son of yours,” Kame says then, and he knows that he sounds absolutely manic now.
“What, no, oh god. No, no, it’s a baby girl, it’s such a miracle,” Nakamaru stammers. “It’s just that…”
“It’s what?” Kame probes when Nakamaru gets stuck again. “It’s definitely not just either. Nakamaru you kissed me, and then you told me not to think about it. You can’t do that, I…”
“I’m sorry,” Nakamaru whispers then, and Kame notices they are both shaking.
“I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this,” Nakamaru continues, “I’ve read the books, I’ve talked to Ueda’s sister, I’ve researched every child sickness that can be contracted until the age of fifteen. I’ve started reading books on all those alternative ways of bringing a child up. But I can’t do it. You’re having a baby, and it’s going to be tiny, and helpless and so real, and I’m not ready.”
Kame feels the tears swelling, and he rubs his fist over his eyes, one hand wrapping around his stomach protectively. Hiss heart thuds so loud in his ears it feels like Nakamaru’s talking to him from far away as he keeps talking. Nakamaru’s eyes are on the floor, and his hands are trembling by his sides.
“This is not how we were supposed to happen. We weren’t even happening, but then you asked me for… and I got hopeful and so glad it would be me. I wanted to do this. I wanted to be a parent, but I just can’t.” Nakamaru shakes his head. “Not right now.”
Nakamaru is hyperventilating. Kame thinks he’s going to suffocate too. He can’t take a single proper breath, and his baby is kicking like she is angry with him, with his heart rate and state of panic. Nakamaru still barrels on.
“Maybe one day, if we take it slow, if I can try to be with you first and if we work out. I mean, wouldn’t she hate if her parents are broken? And what about our contracts? Would she even be okay with having two dads?” Nakamaru takes a step closer, and Kame backs up, leaning against the crib that he’s already moved into his room.
“Don’t come closer,” he says.
“Please.”
Kame tries to take deep breaths. It doesn’t work. He still manages to look Nakamaru in the eye.
“I like you,” Kame says, and grits his teeth because, “Maybe not right now, not in this moment, but I like you. But these past few months were awful. You go from hot to cold, and you leave me confused and wanting, but it’s never enough. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have time to date around. There is no ‘slow’ or ‘we’ll see’ with me anymore. If I let myself need you, you have to be there for me, for us. You either get yourself together and be with me, or you leave this apartment and never touch me again, never try taking care of me, never kiss me. If so, then you stay away until I come back to be your colleague again because I will not let myself hope and be confused, be this person who isn’t strong enough.”
Kame’s fist clenches as he imagines his life without Nakamaru’s voice in the phone when he checks on him eating his vitamins, without him sending him funny world news, without him standing next to him in the kitchen as he tries to cook children friendly soups from scratch several months too soon. He wants, he needs so much, but this has been a cold shower, ice running down his spine and sour taste in his mouth that he thinks will last for years. He wouldn’t need sour candy anymore.
Nakamaru’s head hangs low.
“From now on, I’m a package deal. There’s no me without her. She could be your daughter too,” Kame whispers. He pushes himself off the crib, places one foot in front of the other until he finally reaches the door to his bedroom.
“Please tell the others I’m tired. It’s been fun, but I’m going to lie down now.”
~
“Everything is going swimmingly,” the doctor says in an interview they give together to a carefully chosen group of reporters. They still haven’t given up on asking him about the father. He is the father, isn’t that enough?
None of them cares much about the fact that Kame has stretch marks on his stomach, that his back hurts like hell, or that he can only sleep with pillows in between his thighs and all around him. He has heartburn, gets up to go to the bathroom so many times a night that he feels like he’s been running marathons at night instead of sleeping. He can’t bring himself to eat sour worms anymore, dreading the memories it might bring. It’s all perfectly natural, and he is progressing so nicely, the doctors assure him with placid smiles.
The clinic offers him private classes that Kame attends, every week. That’s how frequent his check-ups are now that the last month is slowly crawling up on him like the heat crawls under his skin when he walks outside. He learns everything from changing diapers to bathing, to cleaning baby’s ears and making sure her butt stays pink and smooth and her nose clean. He feels he is the boss of it all until they let him hold a tiny boy that his mother graciously places into Kame’s arms. The panic attack as he holds the tiny naked body in his trembling arms makes the mother laugh and pat his cheek because ‘he’s going to be a great dad, she’s sure of it.’ The anxiousness comes in waves from then on, every time he brushes around the crib in his bedroom or hears his own ultimatum echoing in his head.
~
The baby girl is probably upset with Kame for still not having the name picked out for her. She kicks most when he lies in bed, trying his best to sleep because at least then he can’t think about being afraid to hold her, about never really being ready for what the child will bring and about how he can’t even finish painting her room these days. He needs a back rub, his lower spine stiff and throbbing. He needs to calm down, needs someone to ground him. He’s called Ueda over to his apartment three times last week, and Ueda has been surprisingly kind about it, never even slamming the door when he leaves once he thinks Kame is asleep. Ueda’s hands are calloused, and he doesn’t speak much when he is there, only puts soft music on and hums with it. Kame scrolls over his name tonight, then up his contact list. Up and down, up and down, always hovering over Nakamaru’s name.
Kame’s due in three weeks, it’s midnight, and he’s dialing the number he promised himself not to use for a while. For a long one.
“Hello,” Nakamaru answer, sleep laced in his voice, and Kame exhales.
“Hmm,” is all he says.
“What’s wrong?” Nakamaru asks in the next moment, suddenly alert and sounding frenzied. “Is something wrong?”
“No, no. I … I’m sorry for calling, it’s just. She’s kicking, and I can’t …” Kame knows he should hang up. One swipe of his finger, and he can pretend this never happened.
Nakamaru takes a deep breath on the other side of the phone. “Don’t tell Ueda I gave it away, but he’s been composing a lullaby for you,” he chuckles lightly, and continues quickly enough for Kame to stay quiet. “He wants me to write the words. I think he would do it better, but he insists. Sometimes he can be so annoying, you know. With how he pretends it’s not a big deal, but then gets all prickly over a verse that doesn’t fit. So he’s been drilling my ass on lyrical invention. But the melody is so lovely.” He keeps talking, veering from that one topic to another and another. Kame doesn’t register the half of it, wrapping one hand around his tummy, stroking slowly as he puts the phone on loudspeaker and lets the rhythm and the flow calm him down, lull his daughter and him too to sleep. In the morning, his phone battery is dead, and the guilt spikes in his veins along with the disappointment because he isn’t as strong as he should be.
~
Two days later, Junno picks him up from his check up and takes him out for a cup of tea and to walk around. He takes millions of pictures with his phone, to remember the days ‘you were wider than taller’, and drops him home only when Kame tries to use his belly to squash him against the closest shop window.
The apartment isn’t locked. Kame grabs the baseball bat from behind his coat rack and pulls out his phone to quietly call the police.
I let him in reads a text from Ueda that he sees when he unlocks the screen. The baseball bat falls from his fingers, and he has to lean on the dresser until he catches his breath. And here he thought Ueda knew Kame was pregnant and could go into labor in a stressful situation.
The walk to the baby’s room is slow, and he doesn’t mind this time. He can smell fresh paint and hear the shuffling of buckets on paper.
Nakamaru is folding the paper that was covering the floors, and all the walls in Kame’s office are freshly painted with the second coat of light mint green. When Nakamaru looks up, his eyes widen, and his ears burn pink.
“I came to finish this. I know how important it is for you,” he says.
Kame nods. Nakamaru shuffles through his pockets and brandishes a packet of colorful sour worms. “Do you want some?”
Kame looks away from the candy and up into Nakamaru’s hesitant eyes. “Yeah. I really do.”
Nakamaru tastes like sour worms and satisfied craving. His bottom lip is plush and warm on Kame’s tongue, and his fingers are delicate against Kame’s back and stomach. When Kame feels steady enough again to pull back, he rakes his hand through Nakamaru’s hair, streak of green in it making him smile.
“I’m never going to be ready. But I think two clueless people is better than one,” Kame admits then.
“Good, because I can’t braid hair to save my life,” Nakamaru says, his voice shaking. He kisses Kame again, murmuring a soft sorry against his lips. Kame squishes his baby girl between them and hopes she understands whose heartbeat she can feel as he presses so close.
~
Kame hasn’t really cried the whole pregnancy, but when he comes into his bedroom that night to find two suitcases with Nakamaru’s stuff in there, it’s the end of his pristine record. Nakamaru also brought a soft, light pink blanket for the crib.
“You got my idea of accessorizing,” Kame sobs, and Nakamaru laughs lightly, rubbing circles into Kame’s back as he calms down.
It becomes something he does a lot in the next two weeks, whether to make Kame fall asleep or calm him down when he obsessively repacks his hospital bag every day. It’s a lot to take in stride, two people suddenly living in Kame’s exclusively private space, someone sleeping in his bed every night, soft puffs of breath making Kame fall asleep so much faster after yet another trip to the bathroom. Still, there’s a sense of familiarity to the way Nakamaru checks up on him fifty times a day, throws away all the junk food but the sour worms, lightly snores in front of the TV in the evening, and holds Kame’s elbow as he leads them to bed or for his next check-up.
They still haven’t picked up a name, but at least Kame isn’t the only one feeling vexed and incompetent over it. Nakamaru whispers apologies for it to the baby girl as Kame takes a bath and Nakamaru insists on watching him, because lying on his back for a long time isn’t too good for pregnant people. It becomes one of Kame’s most precious memories, when Nakamaru freaks out over the way his baby girl sticks her hip out so that Kame’s entire belly is pushed to the right side, and stays tilted off axis like that until he gets out of bath. He isn’t even mad about Nakamaru taking a picture of it with his phone because it’s just a little amazing, worth every stretch mark and cavity that the baby has caused.
~
It’s a hot summer day when they drive to the clinic, knowing they will come back with a baby girl in Kame’s arms. When Kame holds her for the first time, it’s Nakamaru who cries. Eventually, Kame shifts her in his arms so that he can grasp Nakamaru’s fingers. The baby purses her lips in her sleep.
“Our daughter is beautiful,” Kame mutters. Nakamaru has new tears in his eyes as he sits on the bed, scooting behind Kame and their baby so he can wrap his arms around them both. He whispers a small thank you into Kame’s hair.
~
“Her nose is perfect,” Ueda mutters when it’s his turn to peek into the bundle of blankets later that evening. In the end, it’s that moment that solves Kame’s dilemma over the name, even if Kame is a little smug because Ueda wasn’t actually right about the said nose.
“Meet Ryuu,” Kame says to the room at large.
“Naming her after your own drama character?” Junno quirks an eyebrow. “Kazuya, isn’t that a bit too much?”
Ueda’s eyes shine, and he pumps his fist in victory. “I knew you loved me,” he says, cooing at the baby in Kame’s arms. “I’m going to spoil you rotten.”
Kame looks up at Nakamaru. “It’s a boy’s name,” Nakamaru says slowly.
“I know. I’ve had it in mind for a while.” Kame nods, looking at Nakamaru and watching as he slowly comes to understand.
Nakamaru is still shaking, but Kame lets him take their daughter from him. “Ryuu, welcome home,” Nakamaru says. In that moment, it all fits perfectly.
From: sashjun
Title: Mint Green
Pairings/Characters: Kame/Nakamaru
Rating: R
Warnings: bj, mpreg
Notes: Dear mangamistrezz, I felt like you really wanted mpreg, so I tried to deliver. I hope you like it. There are parts that are definitely dear to my heart, and I hope you can find some for you as well. Thanks to my beta for all her love, support and help. 8763 words
Summary: The health clinic in Osaka needs a famous laboratory rat to advertise their new project, and Kamenashi Kazuya of KAT-TUN realizes he actually wants to try.
It starts innocently enough. Kame gets invited to a private tour of a high class health care facility in Osaka. Usually this means the offer for advertising will follow. Kame wonders if maybe someone from Kanjani8 wouldn’t be more suitable, but the woman that came to visit him after KAT-TUN’s first concert in Osaka is persuasive enough that he and his manager follow. Somehow the manager is left at the reception, and Kame would be worried, only he’s thirty-two and he can fend for himself. This is not the first time someone tried to get him separated from his entourage. Still when he emerges from the same white sliding door, an hour later, he’s speechless.
“You want me to …” he starts again.
The woman pats his shoulder and smiles. “Just think about it. We need a role model, a responsible and sensible representative. Isn’t it a wonderful opportunity?”
~
Kame thinks about it. He thinks about it in the hotel room, and in between the interviews, and at the dinner with KAT-TUN after the second concert in Osaka. He slaps himself tentatively to make sure it wasn’t just a surreal dream. Junno smiles at him, and slaps his other cheek.
“To make the blush even,” he reasons. Ueda can’t help but guffaw. Nakamaru adds more vegetables to Kame’s plate and smiles.
~
Kame has long given up on the idea of a girlfriend. Sometimes, he entertains the idea of a boyfriend, but even that has failed one too many times to be to his taste. Kame doesn’t like failure. He has his job, his group that seems to have finally settled in numbers, his good wine in the evenings, and his baseball connections. He isn’t unhappy or unsettled. On the contrary, he finally feels good in his skin, safe enough in his cocoon of fame and idol image with just a few close friends and many acquaintances. His family is big and warm, and if he wants to, he can play with his brothers’ kids to his heart’s content.
~
“I need your sperm sample,” Kame says to Nakamaru after their fourth and last concert in Osaka dome.
All of them are gathered in their changing room, and Kame figures he can kill two flies at the same time. It’s not like there’s a perfect timing to break the news of your future pregnancy to people you’ve spent most of your life with through the good and the bad. Through the good and the bad, he reminds himself as Nakamaru gets pale in the face and hot around his neck at the same time. Ueda draws his chair closer, like it’s a show, and Junno slinks an arm around Kame curiously.
“Is this some kind of cocking experiment?”
Nakamaru chokes again.
“Here’s the address,” Kame says, undeterred, and it’s Ueda who grabs the business card from him.
“Explain,” he says, suddenly contemplative.
“I’m getting pregnant. I’ve cleared my schedule for the next year or so.”
It still sounds like such a sci-fi even with all the things he’s read in the brochure he was given in the health center and even with the several clearly pregnant men-a few in their last trimester-that he’s seen.
Junno is the fastest to recuperate, clutching at his heart. “But am I not the best candidate for the perfect genetic material? I’m hurt, Kazuya.”
Ueda chuckles, a little pale, but now mostly amused as he measures both Nakamaru and Kame alternatively, like he knows something. “I am all ears to know the mechanics of this selection process,” he says at last.
“I …” Nakamaru starts, but he just sinks deeper into the couch where he’s been sitting this entire time. This is why Kame had waited until the man showered and sat down to pull on his socks. One of them is still funnily hanging off his big toe.
“He’s tall, he’s not weird and managed to graduate from college,” Kame says, but shuts his mouth before he says more. Like how he thinks Nakamaru’s bottom lip is pretty, and how he always smells good and likes to take care of them all, and how his voice has a really nice color. Before Kame says how he wouldn’t mind if his future child’s genetic fond contained all that-a bit of Nakamaru.
“But his nose,” Junno tweaks it, and Nakamaru squeaks and splutters indignantly.
“My child will have my nose,” Kame says decidedly.
“Because that’s so much better,” Ueda laughs.
“Ueda,” both Kame and Nakamaru say, warningly, and it only makes Ueda laugh louder. Kame feels just a little warm at the fact Nakamaru is more upset about Kame’s nose than his own.
“And this has been cleared with the management?” Ueda asks then, deciding he’s had enough fun for now.
Kame shivers as he remembers that video call. “Money,” he mutters at the end. “Lots of it. I should be the clinic’s new face if …” He trails off. It’s the only way, but it still makes him uneasy how if this works, his face will be on every news channel, on the cover of every medical-and not medical really-magazine all over the world. But he’s a professional. That’s why the clinic chose him. At least he can be sure that it’s in everyone’s good interest that everything goes well.
“I’ll do it,” they all hear Nakamaru say then, out of nowhere, firmly, if a little darkly.
“I knew it.” Ueda pumps his arm, like he just won a bet. Nakamaru dazedly gets up and goes to shower. Again.
Kame thinks that went rather well.
~
The next two months are a blur of health tests and samples taking and weird but strangely painless procedures. Kame pretends he understands how it works until the moment a future life with his and Nakamaru’s genetic fond is suddenly growing in his slowly adjusting abdomen, but it’s fuzzy at best. All he knows is that he comes home one day in early November, and he’s officially pregnant. It doesn’t feel any more real after he’s counted out the weeks and marked the end of July as the time when the baby might come. He figures he should go shopping for pregnancy and parental guides soon.
~
It’s cold outside, and Kame feels strangely tired despite not doing much besides reading books, contemplating cleaning out his office and wading through pastel wall colors. It’s then that Ueda, with two big bags of junk food, appears at his doorstep.
“I come bearing gifts,” he says, as he drags them back to Kame’s kitchen. “Pickles, chocolate, vanilla ice cream, sour candy, more chocolate, some potato chips. I figured Nakamaru would have the fruit covered, but my sister only ever wanted junk food anyway.”
Kame stares. “Nakamaru?” is what he chooses to focus on.
“Well, I saw him reading that prenatal care book, so I assume he’s taking care of your healthy diet. I’m here to make sure you are stocked on the cravings food because he’d probably never buy you sour worms willingly.”
“I haven’t seen Nakamaru since Osaka concerts,” Kame says, sliding onto one of his barstools and watching in horror as Ueda finds a place for all the food. “And I don’t have cravings,” he adds.
Ueda frowns at him, but then smirks as he watches Kame open a bag of sour worms. Kame doesn’t even remember liking these, but something sour sounds good about now.
“Will you breastfeed?” Ueda asks next. Kame throws the whole pack of candy at him.
“What? It’s a valid question. At least I asked. Junno already has a special breastfeeding bra bought for you for when he comes to visit.”
Kame groans.
Ueda leaves him with his sister’s phone number. She’s had a baby not a year ago, and that’s how Ueda can now play the smart ass.
“I’m not naming the baby after you,” Kame shouts after Ueda.
“But Tatsuko is such a lovely name,” Ueda shouts back before he locks the door after himself.
“It’s just an embryo. Why would you assume it’s a girl?” Kame mutters to no one. He rubs his stomach and decides to take a nap. He is grateful that other than hosting his radio show and one talk show on TV, his schedule is empty. He sleeps much more than his trademark four hours these days.
~
“I brought you some vitamins,” Nakamaru says after Kame lets him inside two weeks later. Kame leads him to his kitchen. “Oh,” Nakamaru says, and clears his throat when he sees a whole shelf of them.
“I’m in the hands of professionals,” Kame manages to mutter before he’s sprinting for his bathroom. Nakamaru must have had a lunch at an udon place, and he reeks of it.
Kame clutches the toilet bowl, and it’s Nakamaru’s fingers in his hair that make sure it doesn’t get in the way. Nakamaru’s other hand is soothingly rubbing Kame’s neck, and for a moment, Kame lets it be, taking a few ragged breaths before he gets up again.
Nakamaru is watching him like a hawk.
“Your coat,” Kame mutters, and Nakamaru bolts out of the bathroom.
They talk about the weather and the upcoming party and skip the obvious topics, like the fact that it’s technically Nakamaru’s baby too that Kame is having.
~
Bread is now your friend, Ueda texts him later.
Maybe you should let Nakamaru just move in with you and cook you congee.
I call that romance.
Ueda, stop whatever evil schemes you are thinking of. Right now! Kame finally replies.
Please tell me you didn’t mention any of those schemes to Junno.
~
The rock-hard nipples are a freaking inconvenience, Kame thinks as he buttons up his shirt, getting ready for the Christmas party. He needs to ask his doctor if they can lighten up on women’s hormones next time. A wave of relief washes over Kame as he remembers that from January on, the doctor in charge of him is moving most of her activities to Tokyo to be close to him, and there won’t be any more train rides to Osaka. His doorbell rings, and he thinks of just ignoring it.
It’s Nakamaru, standing in his genkan once again.
Kame watches him, eyes narrowing under his fringe, lip between his teeth. He leans against the chest of drawers, hip jutting. He’s feeling particularly good about his hipline today, and maybe Nakamaru would appreciate it.
“I thought we could go together,” Nakamaru says, stammering a bit and quickly darting his eyes away from Kame.
“Hmm,” Kame murmurs, running a finger down Nakamaru’s chest. He’s wearing a bowtie, and Kame wonders if he maybe has a matching tie. But then, he sobers just as fast. This is stupid. He doesn’t want or need Nakamaru. And who is he kidding? He is a pregnant man. How is that attractive?
~
At the party, there’s way too much food, and it all smells, and Kame feels nausea washing over him.
“Kazuya, what about a bit of fresh air?” Junno catches him by the elbow and steers him to the balcony. “I want to organize your baby shower,” he announces next. “Do you think the baby would like it if I step-danced during it. Babies can hear us, right? We should make sure the baby likes music right from the start. Kazuya, what music are you listening to these days?”
Kame thinks he’s going to be okay, clutching to Junno and letting him chatter, wondering just what he’s getting into by nodding occasionally. Half an hour later, he still finds himself in the restroom.
“Here,” Nakamaru whispers, appearing by the sink. There’s a new toothbrush and toothpaste in his hand.
“Take me home?” Kame says, when he’s done washing up.
~
“I don’t want you to take responsibility,” Kame says in the car. The talk had to come. He doesn’t want to put it off anymore. “This baby is mine, and I’m grateful for … for your input, but that’s just what it is. This is all on me.”
“Do you mean I don’t have to take any responsibility, or do you really not want me to?” Nakamaru asks slowly. Kame wishes there were more lights and cars passing by, so he could see his face better.
“I just thought it would be …” He stops himself before he says something that will make Nakamaru’s responsible, always proper soul even heavier. “I’m just glad it’s you.”
“Me too,” Nakamaru says in the end.
~
Countdown seems so unsubstantial to Kame this year. He wonders where his professionalism went, but all he wants is to sleep. Nakamaru keeps walking around him, brushing his fingers across his back and leaving him fruits and water. Only at times it’s more unsettling than calming, because it’s what Nakamaru’s been doing for a month now, and Kame can’t place his care. It should be simple. Nakamaru always fusses, always takes care of them, always gives them judging looks when he thinks they are doing something stupid but then supports them through it anyway. But there hasn’t been any judging or questioning Kame’s decision to carry a baby, and the support is hesitant but constant, almost vexing in its quietness.
“Are you okay to dance?” Nakamaru asks.
“He’s pregnant, not invalid,” Ueda chuckles at the side.
“He’ll come in like a wrecking ball,” Junno sing songs.
“I’m not fat,” Kame huffs, standing up, suddenly awake. Ueda pushes Junno out of the dressing room, telling him to run, and pets Kame’s belly. He suddenly has this dreamy look in his eyes.
“Be good, baby. Rock with us this one time,” he murmurs, and Kame’s anger seeps out of him. He feels touched, and the doctors really need to tone down his hormone doses. Nakamaru grabs his hand for just a moment, catching his attention, and gives him a tiny smile before Junno barrels back in.
“Group hug,” he shouts out, and somehow he has arms around all of them.
“I hope the fact there’s five of us isn’t going to mess up our formation,” he sighs into Kame’s neck.
“Junno, shut up,” Kame says. It echoes from both Ueda and Nakamaru.
~
Kame watches Nakamaru move around his home office with a meter in hand, pencil stuck behind his ear.
“You will need an armchair and a crib and a table for changing diapers, and drawers for all the clothes.” He stands in the middle of the room, slightly panicked. “Where will you put all this stuff?”
“I’m pretty sure the baby will sleep in my room the first few months,” Kame says, but goes to stand next to Nakamaru. “But I have a plan; don’t worry.”
“And you’re not telling me?” Nakamaru scrunches his nose.
“Ah, I like to keep you on your toes,” Kame says, cheerful, and bumps his hip against Nakamaru’s. Nakamaru looks at him then down his body, eyes catching on Kame’s tummy. It’s end of January, and Kame’s been so flat before that he knows if someone really looks ….
“First trimester is the most fragile,” Nakamaru blurts out. “You’re okay, right? They’re taking care of you?”
Kame leans his head on Nakamaru’s shoulder. He has people caring for him. His family was shocked to say it mildly, but eventually breathed through it all. The doctors are attentive, Ueda almost obnoxious with how he doesn’t want to openly care, but his spare key is in full permanence. But Nakamaru, wrapping an arm around Kame’s waist tentatively, smelling of fresh shampoo and nothing else, taking extra care ever since that first incident, is a whole other level of care. One that Kame wants, on a whole other level too.
Nakamaru clears his throat, handing Kame the sketch of his room with all measurements.
“I hope Ueda doesn’t feed you junk food too often,” he mutters, as he pulls away.
“You two are such a confusing tag team,” Kame whines, and Nakamaru laughs, poking his cheek. “Did I just pout?”
Nakamaru’s eyes crinkle, deep wrinkles and white teeth. Kame feels a little faint, but that’s not new. At least he doesn’t feel sick all the time anymore.
~
All hell breaks loose during the fourth month. Everyone agreed on keeping things down during the first trimester, but now that it’s clear things are going well, the news of Kamenashi Kazuya-country’s beloved idol-being pregnant is spreading like fire.
Kame holes himself up in his apartment. He’s shot the promotional interview that he has in his contract and avoided all questions about who the father is. All that is left of his activities is his radio show, but he finds out he really doesn’t mind, concentrating on making sure his baby will come to him while he’s prepared. Every stage of his pregnancy is photographed and documented thoroughly, but he thinks he might have some really nice pictures taken later. He still feels tired, and his stomach hurts at times, all things normal, as he’s assured one too many times. He decides it’s time to clean out his office, move his books and desk to the living room that he has to rearrange.
~
“Why am I the only one here?” Ueda huffs, as he pushes the small library across the office.
“Taguchi has a drama filming and pretends to be too busy planning my baby shower.”
“And Nakamaru?” Ueda collapses on the already move couched, deciding it’s time for a break.
“Just, you know, busy as always,” Kame sits next to him, lifting his legs up onto a coffee table.
“Never too busy for you though,” Ueda says, giving Kame a pointed look.
“Is that so?”
“Whoa. And I thought you were the normal one among us.”
“Wait, you mean me getting pregnant didn’t give my crazy away?”
“I don’t know. Depends on why you did it,” Ueda shrugs. “It was so sudden.”
“It’s not like I did it without thinking.”
“What about asking Nakamaru to be the father of your child then? Was that a well thought-out decision too?”
“What are you asking?” Kame sits up straight, then collapses back into the couch cushion when he gets dizzy. “And I didn’t ask him to be the father of my child. Not really.”
“So what? Was it really just a conveniently free genetic material? Are you telling me you never thought about it? I mean, are you going to do this all by yourself? You know the kid is going to have his nose, right? Murphy’s laws are a bitch. ”
“You are so optimistic.” Kame scrunches his nose and rubs at his tummy.
“You’re not answering my question,” Ueda says, a little annoyed, but he gets up and brings the teapot into the living room, giving Kame time to collect his thoughts.
“I never meant for there to be someone else with us,” Kame says in the end. “I realized this was an amazing chance to … to live something I might not get to live otherwise. I know it won’t be easy or normal, in the sense normal people think of normal. So I couldn’t ever bring anyone into that equation. It was my decision. But then … then I needed a donor, and he was the only one I could think of…”
“Whoa, I’m hurt,” Ueda says jokingly to break Kame out of his reverie.
“You’re so stupid. If you ever tell any of this to Nakamaru…” Kame elbows Ueda.
“What, you will make me move more of your furniture? Am I going to paint your office too?”
“Ueda…”
“I know, I know. You don’t need me meddling,” Ueda says dismissively, and throws a bag of sour worms into Kame’s lap.
Nakamaru is confusing, but Kame never gets to say that.
~
“I come bearing food,” Nakamaru says when Kame opens the door for him. Kame’s a little breathless, and that is so annoying because he knows he’s fit. It’s normal too, his doctors say.
Nakamaru reaches out to run his hand down his back, and Kame jerks away. He doesn’t need his breath shortening any more.
“Come in, I need you to do something,” Kame says, ignoring the alarm on Nakamaru’s face, and goes to get the tailoring meter. He stands in front of Nakamaru, who sits on his couch, pulling his loose shirt up. “Don’t stare, just measure my waist. Around my belly button.”
Nakamaru does, and his fingers brush against Kame’s skin that is just beginning to stretch, end of the fourth month nearing.
“This is so real,” Nakamaru mutters, as he pulls away.
“Yeah,” Kame nods back.
~
Smuggling Kame out for dinner with Nakamaru involves all of KAT-TUN playing secret drivers, Junno complete in ninja outfit, and Matsumoto buying people free drinks on the other side of Tokyo so that at least half of the reporters stalking Kame get sidetracked.
“So why did we go out to eat?” Kame asks as they walk through a nearby park afterwards.
This is not a date.
Nakamaru shrugs. “I thought it would be nice. As Ueda said you’re just pregnant, not invalid.”
“Just pregnant,” Kame laughs. He knows it sounds a little sour.
This is not a date.
Nakamaru tilts his head and grabs Kame’s hand. “What is going on?” Kame lets him hold his hand until they reach the waiting van with Ueda as the driver.
Kame can’t feel his baby just yet, even if his books say he could. Doctors say it’s because it’s his first time, and it usually takes longer then. He’s doing fine. He has the recent picture from his ultrasound tucked in his wallet, not willing to share with anyone just yet. The crib in his office is waiting to be assembled, and he measures his belly more often than it’s healthy. Still, he wants to feel his baby, wants another reminder it’s real. This is what he wants, someone who will be his family, someone who will need his care for probably the rest of his life. Nakamaru lets him curl into him on the way home, but doesn’t stay even if Kame has wine in the fridge Nakamaru could drink. He awkwardly squeezes Kame’s shoulder in the door when Kame feels himself stupidly leaning up because he feels good and soothed and like maybe he could kiss Nakamaru, and it would feel good. Nakamaru just looks at Kame’s socked toes and leaves.
This was not a date.
~
It’s Kame’s fifth month, and for some reason he’s so horny he has to go and ask Junno to buy lube, thinking up a story about it being the best thing for his squeaking doors. In reality, it’s just that his dick is going to shaft if he doesn’t get his hands on some soon.
Ueda laughs at him into the phone.
“I would even offer my help, but I’m a little far away, you know,” he laughs like a moron from somewhere in Europe, where he’s shooting a new solo PV-a sudden activity to fill in the hole in KAT-TUN schedule that earned Kame imported Belgium chocolate when Ueda had arrived there.
Kame knows he’s in trouble when, for a moment, he imagines Ueda’s lips around his dick. Then he remembers who else has nice lips and prays Nakamaru won’t show up on his doorsteps any time soon.
~
Of course, two days later, it’s Nakamaru who brings the lube.
“Junno is a traitor,” Kame murmurs, and tries to shut the door on Nakamaru, who is looking at him with his typical worry and mild wonderment in his eyes. His lip is between his teeth and then he lets it go, and it’s big, bitten and slick.
“You have to know, even Ueda would do about now,” Kame says breathlessly then, and pulls at Nakamaru’s collar. He bites Nakamaru’s lip like he’s wanted to do probably for years now and tells himself it’s just hormones. He nips down Nakamaru’s neck, and Nakamaru grabs his hips, bony fingers running up and down his sides before he pulls Kame away. They’re still in his genkan.
“Anything you can give me,” Kame says, voice shaking only a little, when Nakamaru makes him look into his eyes.
“Fine,” Nakamaru says, and it’s a little like when Kame asked him for his sperm sample, and he doesn’t know why he’s thinking of that now. How easy it is to ask Nakamaru for things that should be difficult. But then Nakamaru is pushing him towards his bedroom, sitting him on the edge, fingers nimble but careful as he pulls off Kame’s shirt and kneels between his spread legs.
Kame hears himself almost sob when Nakamaru laps at his nipple. He wants that mouth lower, but this is already better than anything he could do himself, and he grips Nakamaru’s hair in his fingers. Nakamaru kisses down his belly, still not too big, but so clearly and painfully there, and it’s so embarrassing the way it makes Kame shiver. He’s grateful Nakamaru doesn’t linger, just pulls at his loose sweats. Kame is so hard, and he gasps when Nakamaru palms his cock, rubbing the tip before he wraps his mouth around it.
When Nakamaru grips Kame’s thighs, first touch that isn’t delicate and careful-measured-while Nakamaru’s head bobs up and down, Kame’s hit by the reality of the situation. He’s tiptoed this line with Nakamaru so many times, sideways looks, bitten lips and stolen touches, but they’ve never even kissed, always made effort to keep themselves clear of anything that wasn’t camaraderie or professional, and now Kame’s pulled them over the edge. He panics, pulling at Nakamaru’s hair. Nakamaru groans, and his tongue swirls around the head of Kame’s cock. His fingers fumble with Kame’s ball, nails on his other hand still sinking into Kame’s thigh, and Kame comes, gasping for air and eyes tearing up from pleasure and shock.
~
Kame wakes up, confused and thirsty, and realizes his head is pillowed on someone’s bony arm. Nakamaru is staring down at him, glasses perched on his nose, book on prenatal care spread on his stomach.
“Are you okay? You just kind of fell back and went to sleep, and I didn’t know if you wanted me to, uhm, wanted me to leave, or.”
Kame shakes his head.
“I wanted to try something,” Nakamaru says when Kame stays silent. “I’ve read that babies are usually most active in the evening and that you can feel them most when you’re calm, lying down or so.”
Kame is anything but calm, but he nods.
Nakamaru fluffs a pillow under his head, and moves to lie next to him, on his side. He grabs Kame’s hand and puts it on his own stomach.
“It can only feel like trembling, like butterflies in your stomach,”
“Like you,” Kame murmurs. His eyes widen, and Nakamaru looks away, his hand falling away from Kame’s.
They both take a deep breath.
“Sorry, that was stupid,” Kame starts saying. Nakamaru leans down, brushes their lips together lightly, rubs his big bottom one under Kame’s and sighs. He then pulls away.
“Don’t think about it now. Try talking to your baby,” he mutters.
Kame doesn’t like to be told not to think about it. It leaves him unsure and stretched. He scrunches his nose again.
“Hi baby,” he mutters. He wants to say that this is stupid, and they should talk about it. But then he feels it, as if trembling of his insides only he’s sure that it wasn’t his stomach at all, and it’s like something in him moved in the next moment, and he blinks, again and again. Nakamaru’s eyes are big and dark, like he knows. Kame sighs and closes his eyes.
“Hi baby,” he repeats.
~
The days are longer and warmer already when Kame’s back starts to ache really badly. His constant visits to the toilet are annoying, and he can’t even properly lift his arms anymore.
“I see that it’s going with a swell,” Junno comments when Kame complains to him over the phone in an effort to stop Junno’s grand plans for his baby shower. “By the way I’m going with you to your next ultrasound. I bet the baby will spread the legs for me, so we finally find out if it’s a girl or a boy.”
Kame hangs up and texts Ueda instead.
I need you to come paint my walls.
He can’t stand not having the place finished. It makes him feel like he’s not ready. He needs it to be perfect.
I see mama hen is finally nesting, Junno texts him some time later, and Kame is going to kill Ueda.
Not doing it. But Nakamaru’s coming over to do it instead. Ueda texts eventually. He can paint your walls, color your world in bright colors and tint your heart with pink or something.
It’s a shame that being a role model and a responsible parent means that Kame can’t pay for a murder.
~
Soft, minty green is the perfect color for the walls; thin white stripe near the ceiling. He can accessorize later depending on the gender. He would never consider pink for all four walls anyway.
Nakamaru paints with focus, methodically and slowly, making sure the color is distributed evenly and just thick enough.
“Do you have a preference?” he asks, eyes not leaving the walls.
Huh?” Kame asks, chair pulled into the doorway because he can’t stand for too long without his ankles swelling.
“About the gender. What would you like more, a girl or a boy?”
Kame bristles. “I will love either just the same. It doesn’t really matter. I only want to know so that I’m ready.” He thinks he’ll never be ready. The sixth month is ending, and the baby is already wistful with him.
“No, I know,” Nakamaru stops just for a second to glance at Kame in panic. “I just, sometimes future parents still feel this preference. I guess I don’t understand, then,” he trails off.
Kame feels his heart ache. It’s as if Nakamaru doesn’t consider himself a parent. And that, that is what Kame wanted. This is how he imagined it. But now.
“What would you want?” he asks quietly.
Nakamaru stays silent until the third wall is finished. Even then, he doesn’t turn to Kame, only moves all the things closer to the last wall and stirs the color in the bucket a little.
“A boy,” he mutters.
And now Kame knows Nakamaru has actually thought about it, and wants to ask him why a boy. Nakamaru starts painting again.
“You know, this could’ve probably waited until the baby is born. Since it seems to want to keep you in the dark. You have time,” Nakamaru says, after the silence gets a bit too much.
“No it couldn’t have waited,” Kame says, and somehow anger is rising in him. “And I don’t have the time to stall,” he says loudly. Nakamaru turns around.
“I just thought it would be better to make sure-”
“Sometimes, you have to take the risk. Sometimes you can’t wait to make sure,” Kame says, and he knows he isn’t talking about the walls anymore. “Things have changed for me. This baby is my priority now. Anything else, no matter what I may want or need, is secondary.”
Nakamaru is finally looking right at him. He tries to reach for Kame, but Kame jerks away. “You have paint all over your hands,” he says, and turns around. He feels nausea, and it’s for the best he leaves the room full of the smell of paint and confusion.
“I’ll finish this,” Nakamaru mumbles after him.
~
On some evenings, as Kame rubs at his stomach and talks to his baby, he feels like colors keep getting muddy in his life. He chases those thoughts away with colorful sour worms, his only persisting craving, the only one he can satisfy anyway.
~
All of KAT-TUN piles into the small check-up room when Kame is ready for his next ultrasound. Junno had the date mid-seventh month marked in his calendar since he found out about it. Ueda claims they should all go to establish their support in public eye. They walk in when he’s already lying on the examination table, tummy protruding and slick. Somehow, he finds his hand held in Nakamaru’s cold one. As the doctor shows them the head, arms and feet, checks and measures the organs, the hand holding his starts to shake and sweat, though it doesn’t let go.
“And everything is okay?” Nakamaru asks, when the doctor falls silent for a moment. The doctor nods and zooms in yet again.
When Junno coos at the monitor, the doctor moves the cold paddle one last time and then smiles wide.
“So do you still want to know the gender?”
Kame kind of wants to say no, all of a sudden uncertain, like knowing will seal some unknown faith hanging over him.
“Yes,” Junno shrieks excitedly. “Everything for the baby shower must be color appropriate.” Ueda smacks him nonchalantly.
“What do you say?” Nakamaru asks Kame directly, squeezing his hand until it hurts.
“Yeah,” Kame breathes out. “Yeah, okay.”
The doctor zooms a little. “I’m about ninety-nine percent sure you’re having a girl.”
Junno whoops loudly. Kame stares at the monitor. “Do you want another picture?” the doctor asks him then.
He nods, wordlessly, and soon the monitor flicks off and the doctor cleans most of the gel away, leaving him more tissues to finish. She hands a picture to each of them with a wink and disappears next door into the office. It’s only then that Kame looks around himself.
Ueda is grinning at him, but it’s as soft as it is mischievous.
“I knew it,” he says, and pats Kame’s hair.
Junno is excusing himself because he can’t use his phone in here, and he has a million things to get ready now. “I told you your baby wouldn’t be able to resist my charms,” he says happily as he leaves.
Where did J&A even find his bandmates? They’re all such freaks in their own right. Kame startles when he feels Nakamaru cleaning his stomach some more with a shaky hand.
“We’ll leave you to get dressed and finish the check-up,” he says. All Kame can think of is whether Nakamaru is disappointed. Whether that’s why his gaze flickers anywhere but to Kame and he fidgets. It almost overpowers the elation at knowing he is having a baby girl. He barely listens to what the doctor says for the rest of the session.
When he gets out of the office, only Ueda is leaning against the wall, his mouth set in a hard line.
“I’ll take you home. Everyone else had to leave,” he says. Kame knows Nakamaru doesn’t have any schedule today. It was Nakamaru himself who said so.
“Thanks,” Kame mutters.
~
Kame’s former office still doesn’t have the second layer of paint done three weeks later. Nakamaru hasn’t come by or answered Kame’s calls since the day of the ultrasound. Kame is seven months pregnant. He is upset because Nakamaru got Friday’d bar-hopping twice in the past weeks, doubling his all carrier count by doing so. He is shaken because the only explanation in his mind for Nakamaru’s strange behavior is that he is so disappointed the baby is going to be a girl that he doesn’t want it, doesn’t want them anymore.
Ueda’s told Kame that’s stupid. But he also said Nakamaru is an idiot, and he is about ready to punch someone.
~
Everything is so neon pink in Kame’s apartment that Kame’s head spins from it. At least he has a reason this time. He is sitting in the middle of a pile of toys and diapers and cutesy dresses, and these tiny, tiny baby shoes from Ueda, which are actually yellow and perfect, are in the palm of his hand. His baby shower is winding down. He can hear Jun shuffling around his kitchen, applying safety rubber on all his edges and lower handles, like his baby girl is going to come out of his stomach and start running around his apartment right away. Junno is pulling helium balloons off Kame’s ceilings because Kame threatened to send a hundred of them to Junno’s own apartment if he doesn’t tie them to something before he leaves. Strangely enough Junno is actually afraid of balloons in big numbers. Ueda is absentmindedly browsing his music library on his sound system, and Kame can hear him murmur underneath his breath, something about having to bring the baby some decent music soon. Nakamaru is drinking orange juice, sitting on a wooden chair in a corner of Kame’s living room, as far away from him as possible, and he is staring.
Kame is starting his eight month of pregnancy, and he thinks about missing Nakamaru much more than he thinks about the name for his baby girl. It’s wrong. It’s not how things should be. It has got to stop.
Kame drinks the rest of his water, sets the perfect shoes on the coffee table and strolls across his room, as much as a pregnant rolling stone can stroll anyway, and pulls Nakamaru into his bedroom.
“Are you going to tell me why, after taking me on a date, sucking my cock, kissing me and leading me to believe you are here for me, you disappeared completely?”
It’s blunt, but Kame doesn’t care anymore. He feels pressure behind his eyes, like he’s about to cry, and he knows it’s the pregnancy talking. But at least he is talking.
Nakamaru runs a hand down his face then bites his lip.
“If this is about the fact it’s a girl, I swear I’m going to have you castrated so you can never have that son of yours,” Kame says then, and he knows that he sounds absolutely manic now.
“What, no, oh god. No, no, it’s a baby girl, it’s such a miracle,” Nakamaru stammers. “It’s just that…”
“It’s what?” Kame probes when Nakamaru gets stuck again. “It’s definitely not just either. Nakamaru you kissed me, and then you told me not to think about it. You can’t do that, I…”
“I’m sorry,” Nakamaru whispers then, and Kame notices they are both shaking.
“I’m so sorry. I thought I could do this,” Nakamaru continues, “I’ve read the books, I’ve talked to Ueda’s sister, I’ve researched every child sickness that can be contracted until the age of fifteen. I’ve started reading books on all those alternative ways of bringing a child up. But I can’t do it. You’re having a baby, and it’s going to be tiny, and helpless and so real, and I’m not ready.”
Kame feels the tears swelling, and he rubs his fist over his eyes, one hand wrapping around his stomach protectively. Hiss heart thuds so loud in his ears it feels like Nakamaru’s talking to him from far away as he keeps talking. Nakamaru’s eyes are on the floor, and his hands are trembling by his sides.
“This is not how we were supposed to happen. We weren’t even happening, but then you asked me for… and I got hopeful and so glad it would be me. I wanted to do this. I wanted to be a parent, but I just can’t.” Nakamaru shakes his head. “Not right now.”
Nakamaru is hyperventilating. Kame thinks he’s going to suffocate too. He can’t take a single proper breath, and his baby is kicking like she is angry with him, with his heart rate and state of panic. Nakamaru still barrels on.
“Maybe one day, if we take it slow, if I can try to be with you first and if we work out. I mean, wouldn’t she hate if her parents are broken? And what about our contracts? Would she even be okay with having two dads?” Nakamaru takes a step closer, and Kame backs up, leaning against the crib that he’s already moved into his room.
“Don’t come closer,” he says.
“Please.”
Kame tries to take deep breaths. It doesn’t work. He still manages to look Nakamaru in the eye.
“I like you,” Kame says, and grits his teeth because, “Maybe not right now, not in this moment, but I like you. But these past few months were awful. You go from hot to cold, and you leave me confused and wanting, but it’s never enough. I can’t do this anymore. I don’t have time to date around. There is no ‘slow’ or ‘we’ll see’ with me anymore. If I let myself need you, you have to be there for me, for us. You either get yourself together and be with me, or you leave this apartment and never touch me again, never try taking care of me, never kiss me. If so, then you stay away until I come back to be your colleague again because I will not let myself hope and be confused, be this person who isn’t strong enough.”
Kame’s fist clenches as he imagines his life without Nakamaru’s voice in the phone when he checks on him eating his vitamins, without him sending him funny world news, without him standing next to him in the kitchen as he tries to cook children friendly soups from scratch several months too soon. He wants, he needs so much, but this has been a cold shower, ice running down his spine and sour taste in his mouth that he thinks will last for years. He wouldn’t need sour candy anymore.
Nakamaru’s head hangs low.
“From now on, I’m a package deal. There’s no me without her. She could be your daughter too,” Kame whispers. He pushes himself off the crib, places one foot in front of the other until he finally reaches the door to his bedroom.
“Please tell the others I’m tired. It’s been fun, but I’m going to lie down now.”
~
“Everything is going swimmingly,” the doctor says in an interview they give together to a carefully chosen group of reporters. They still haven’t given up on asking him about the father. He is the father, isn’t that enough?
None of them cares much about the fact that Kame has stretch marks on his stomach, that his back hurts like hell, or that he can only sleep with pillows in between his thighs and all around him. He has heartburn, gets up to go to the bathroom so many times a night that he feels like he’s been running marathons at night instead of sleeping. He can’t bring himself to eat sour worms anymore, dreading the memories it might bring. It’s all perfectly natural, and he is progressing so nicely, the doctors assure him with placid smiles.
The clinic offers him private classes that Kame attends, every week. That’s how frequent his check-ups are now that the last month is slowly crawling up on him like the heat crawls under his skin when he walks outside. He learns everything from changing diapers to bathing, to cleaning baby’s ears and making sure her butt stays pink and smooth and her nose clean. He feels he is the boss of it all until they let him hold a tiny boy that his mother graciously places into Kame’s arms. The panic attack as he holds the tiny naked body in his trembling arms makes the mother laugh and pat his cheek because ‘he’s going to be a great dad, she’s sure of it.’ The anxiousness comes in waves from then on, every time he brushes around the crib in his bedroom or hears his own ultimatum echoing in his head.
~
The baby girl is probably upset with Kame for still not having the name picked out for her. She kicks most when he lies in bed, trying his best to sleep because at least then he can’t think about being afraid to hold her, about never really being ready for what the child will bring and about how he can’t even finish painting her room these days. He needs a back rub, his lower spine stiff and throbbing. He needs to calm down, needs someone to ground him. He’s called Ueda over to his apartment three times last week, and Ueda has been surprisingly kind about it, never even slamming the door when he leaves once he thinks Kame is asleep. Ueda’s hands are calloused, and he doesn’t speak much when he is there, only puts soft music on and hums with it. Kame scrolls over his name tonight, then up his contact list. Up and down, up and down, always hovering over Nakamaru’s name.
Kame’s due in three weeks, it’s midnight, and he’s dialing the number he promised himself not to use for a while. For a long one.
“Hello,” Nakamaru answer, sleep laced in his voice, and Kame exhales.
“Hmm,” is all he says.
“What’s wrong?” Nakamaru asks in the next moment, suddenly alert and sounding frenzied. “Is something wrong?”
“No, no. I … I’m sorry for calling, it’s just. She’s kicking, and I can’t …” Kame knows he should hang up. One swipe of his finger, and he can pretend this never happened.
Nakamaru takes a deep breath on the other side of the phone. “Don’t tell Ueda I gave it away, but he’s been composing a lullaby for you,” he chuckles lightly, and continues quickly enough for Kame to stay quiet. “He wants me to write the words. I think he would do it better, but he insists. Sometimes he can be so annoying, you know. With how he pretends it’s not a big deal, but then gets all prickly over a verse that doesn’t fit. So he’s been drilling my ass on lyrical invention. But the melody is so lovely.” He keeps talking, veering from that one topic to another and another. Kame doesn’t register the half of it, wrapping one hand around his tummy, stroking slowly as he puts the phone on loudspeaker and lets the rhythm and the flow calm him down, lull his daughter and him too to sleep. In the morning, his phone battery is dead, and the guilt spikes in his veins along with the disappointment because he isn’t as strong as he should be.
~
Two days later, Junno picks him up from his check up and takes him out for a cup of tea and to walk around. He takes millions of pictures with his phone, to remember the days ‘you were wider than taller’, and drops him home only when Kame tries to use his belly to squash him against the closest shop window.
The apartment isn’t locked. Kame grabs the baseball bat from behind his coat rack and pulls out his phone to quietly call the police.
I let him in reads a text from Ueda that he sees when he unlocks the screen. The baseball bat falls from his fingers, and he has to lean on the dresser until he catches his breath. And here he thought Ueda knew Kame was pregnant and could go into labor in a stressful situation.
The walk to the baby’s room is slow, and he doesn’t mind this time. He can smell fresh paint and hear the shuffling of buckets on paper.
Nakamaru is folding the paper that was covering the floors, and all the walls in Kame’s office are freshly painted with the second coat of light mint green. When Nakamaru looks up, his eyes widen, and his ears burn pink.
“I came to finish this. I know how important it is for you,” he says.
Kame nods. Nakamaru shuffles through his pockets and brandishes a packet of colorful sour worms. “Do you want some?”
Kame looks away from the candy and up into Nakamaru’s hesitant eyes. “Yeah. I really do.”
Nakamaru tastes like sour worms and satisfied craving. His bottom lip is plush and warm on Kame’s tongue, and his fingers are delicate against Kame’s back and stomach. When Kame feels steady enough again to pull back, he rakes his hand through Nakamaru’s hair, streak of green in it making him smile.
“I’m never going to be ready. But I think two clueless people is better than one,” Kame admits then.
“Good, because I can’t braid hair to save my life,” Nakamaru says, his voice shaking. He kisses Kame again, murmuring a soft sorry against his lips. Kame squishes his baby girl between them and hopes she understands whose heartbeat she can feel as he presses so close.
~
Kame hasn’t really cried the whole pregnancy, but when he comes into his bedroom that night to find two suitcases with Nakamaru’s stuff in there, it’s the end of his pristine record. Nakamaru also brought a soft, light pink blanket for the crib.
“You got my idea of accessorizing,” Kame sobs, and Nakamaru laughs lightly, rubbing circles into Kame’s back as he calms down.
It becomes something he does a lot in the next two weeks, whether to make Kame fall asleep or calm him down when he obsessively repacks his hospital bag every day. It’s a lot to take in stride, two people suddenly living in Kame’s exclusively private space, someone sleeping in his bed every night, soft puffs of breath making Kame fall asleep so much faster after yet another trip to the bathroom. Still, there’s a sense of familiarity to the way Nakamaru checks up on him fifty times a day, throws away all the junk food but the sour worms, lightly snores in front of the TV in the evening, and holds Kame’s elbow as he leads them to bed or for his next check-up.
They still haven’t picked up a name, but at least Kame isn’t the only one feeling vexed and incompetent over it. Nakamaru whispers apologies for it to the baby girl as Kame takes a bath and Nakamaru insists on watching him, because lying on his back for a long time isn’t too good for pregnant people. It becomes one of Kame’s most precious memories, when Nakamaru freaks out over the way his baby girl sticks her hip out so that Kame’s entire belly is pushed to the right side, and stays tilted off axis like that until he gets out of bath. He isn’t even mad about Nakamaru taking a picture of it with his phone because it’s just a little amazing, worth every stretch mark and cavity that the baby has caused.
~
It’s a hot summer day when they drive to the clinic, knowing they will come back with a baby girl in Kame’s arms. When Kame holds her for the first time, it’s Nakamaru who cries. Eventually, Kame shifts her in his arms so that he can grasp Nakamaru’s fingers. The baby purses her lips in her sleep.
“Our daughter is beautiful,” Kame mutters. Nakamaru has new tears in his eyes as he sits on the bed, scooting behind Kame and their baby so he can wrap his arms around them both. He whispers a small thank you into Kame’s hair.
~
“Her nose is perfect,” Ueda mutters when it’s his turn to peek into the bundle of blankets later that evening. In the end, it’s that moment that solves Kame’s dilemma over the name, even if Kame is a little smug because Ueda wasn’t actually right about the said nose.
“Meet Ryuu,” Kame says to the room at large.
“Naming her after your own drama character?” Junno quirks an eyebrow. “Kazuya, isn’t that a bit too much?”
Ueda’s eyes shine, and he pumps his fist in victory. “I knew you loved me,” he says, cooing at the baby in Kame’s arms. “I’m going to spoil you rotten.”
Kame looks up at Nakamaru. “It’s a boy’s name,” Nakamaru says slowly.
“I know. I’ve had it in mind for a while.” Kame nods, looking at Nakamaru and watching as he slowly comes to understand.
Nakamaru is still shaking, but Kame lets him take their daughter from him. “Ryuu, welcome home,” Nakamaru says. In that moment, it all fits perfectly.