(no subject)
x-posted to my own journal.
ever since i got diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, i feel like the people close to me don't believe me even more than they did in the first place. which makes no sense, b/c if anything a diagnosis should validate me more. at first i felt really validated, but then the more i talk to my parents and my girlfriend about it the more of a negative response i get. i've tried really hard to make them understand, but they just don't seem capable of it for whatever reason. forever i've walked around pretending like i'm superwoman and nothing can bring me down, in spite of my symptoms, and i think it's finally catching up with me. now everyone else thinks that's what i am and i can't get away from it.
i've tried 1,000 times to explain to them that i'm NOT using this as my new giant excuse for not doing things, and i'm NOT planning on letting this debilitate me to the point that i can't live a life. i've tried to explain that it's just a matter of accepting things i can and cannot do, and planning my life more to cope w/ symptoms that have been there all along. having or not having a diagnosis wouldn't make my symptoms any better or worse, and for some reason they think that now that all of this crap has a name, i'm going to tout it like a trophy of martyrdom. i've never done this before and there's no frame of reference for them to come to this conclusion, but yet somehow they have.
my doctor didn't "diagnose" it in my medical file so as to save me future headaches with insurance companies, and therefore my family doesn't think i actually did get diagnosed. i was told in so many words that "this is what you have", it just wasn't written down, and i don't understand why this makes a difference in the minds of my family. what's great about all this is that my sister has been on SSDI for 15 years, doesn't work, has gained a bunch of weight, is severely addicted to painkillers - and she's been even to the mayo clinic and hundreds of doctors, all who have told her that she has severe depression and there is nothing clinically wrong with her. she's ruled out fibro on her own, so it's not like she has what i have. however i don't understand why my parents continue to insist that there is some crazy medical mystery wrong with her - and when there actually is with me, they don't believe me!
i was talking on the phone w/ my mom, who said that "who knows, maybe in a year you'll get better and there won't be anything wrong with you!" and i tried to explain that unfortunately that won't be happening, although i can manage what i do have. she wasn't hearing it. she's a big proponent of "if i ignore it then it doesn't exist". immediately after hanging up the phone w/ my mom, my girlfriend calls and i was expressing frustration w/ my mother, and i got the same reaction from her! "maybe she's right, and when you're working better shifts at work this whole thing will clear up!". i just don't understand, b/c i've had these symptoms way before any of my current issues w/ work or anything else, and after 2 years she should know that. i'm so weary of her saying "you're always sick" when i say that i can't do something or i don't feel up to it. she says it in this complete guilt-trip tone, like i'm faking it and intentionally making her life difficult in the process.
i just feel like NO ONE believes me or understands this. no one even wants to understand, and i don't know what could ever change it. needless to say this is NOT helping my symptoms. i think i could try to write them a letter about it, but i'm not sure that would work either. i'm almost ashamed that they think i'm just using this as my new excuse to get out of doing things. i've never done that, even before the diagnosis, and if anything i've always pushed and pushed myself well beyond my breaking point and never let it show.
i just feel very isolated.
ever since i got diagnosed a couple of weeks ago, i feel like the people close to me don't believe me even more than they did in the first place. which makes no sense, b/c if anything a diagnosis should validate me more. at first i felt really validated, but then the more i talk to my parents and my girlfriend about it the more of a negative response i get. i've tried really hard to make them understand, but they just don't seem capable of it for whatever reason. forever i've walked around pretending like i'm superwoman and nothing can bring me down, in spite of my symptoms, and i think it's finally catching up with me. now everyone else thinks that's what i am and i can't get away from it.
i've tried 1,000 times to explain to them that i'm NOT using this as my new giant excuse for not doing things, and i'm NOT planning on letting this debilitate me to the point that i can't live a life. i've tried to explain that it's just a matter of accepting things i can and cannot do, and planning my life more to cope w/ symptoms that have been there all along. having or not having a diagnosis wouldn't make my symptoms any better or worse, and for some reason they think that now that all of this crap has a name, i'm going to tout it like a trophy of martyrdom. i've never done this before and there's no frame of reference for them to come to this conclusion, but yet somehow they have.
my doctor didn't "diagnose" it in my medical file so as to save me future headaches with insurance companies, and therefore my family doesn't think i actually did get diagnosed. i was told in so many words that "this is what you have", it just wasn't written down, and i don't understand why this makes a difference in the minds of my family. what's great about all this is that my sister has been on SSDI for 15 years, doesn't work, has gained a bunch of weight, is severely addicted to painkillers - and she's been even to the mayo clinic and hundreds of doctors, all who have told her that she has severe depression and there is nothing clinically wrong with her. she's ruled out fibro on her own, so it's not like she has what i have. however i don't understand why my parents continue to insist that there is some crazy medical mystery wrong with her - and when there actually is with me, they don't believe me!
i was talking on the phone w/ my mom, who said that "who knows, maybe in a year you'll get better and there won't be anything wrong with you!" and i tried to explain that unfortunately that won't be happening, although i can manage what i do have. she wasn't hearing it. she's a big proponent of "if i ignore it then it doesn't exist". immediately after hanging up the phone w/ my mom, my girlfriend calls and i was expressing frustration w/ my mother, and i got the same reaction from her! "maybe she's right, and when you're working better shifts at work this whole thing will clear up!". i just don't understand, b/c i've had these symptoms way before any of my current issues w/ work or anything else, and after 2 years she should know that. i'm so weary of her saying "you're always sick" when i say that i can't do something or i don't feel up to it. she says it in this complete guilt-trip tone, like i'm faking it and intentionally making her life difficult in the process.
i just feel like NO ONE believes me or understands this. no one even wants to understand, and i don't know what could ever change it. needless to say this is NOT helping my symptoms. i think i could try to write them a letter about it, but i'm not sure that would work either. i'm almost ashamed that they think i'm just using this as my new excuse to get out of doing things. i've never done that, even before the diagnosis, and if anything i've always pushed and pushed myself well beyond my breaking point and never let it show.
i just feel very isolated.