Really Need To Vent...it's been a while..
Hi everyone, I haven't posted in a verrry long time, yet always am trying to read on this community which i've come to really like a lot. I felt less alone when I joined this community. Everyone just seems "Real" about how it feels surviving everyday with this, the good bad and the ugly...
Anyway, I really need to vent.....sigh...
Okay, so I've been flaring with extreme chronic fatigue & chronic pain continously without any relief let up no matter what i've taken or done to try and help relieve the symptoms mildy at least. I know this comes out as pity party, feeling sorry for myself or whatever and they're are people that are suffering much much more. I understand all of that intellectually. Emotionally I'm so completely drained ....that all I know is that constant pain is abnormal and sucks when their is not even some moments of relief. I always feel like I'm going to drop or faint, my back cringes if clothing even brushes up against it, or if i sit up against the back of a chair. The list goes on, but most of you know how flares on so i don't need to go into constant detail, but I feel so down and low mood wise, and I hate that I feel that way but I do.
I fear I'll never be able to work just because I can't sit in a stationary position for more than 45 minutes without having to lay or stand up and even laying down or standing up i can't do for long, whereas i'm always changing positions physically. I need to financially bring more income, however how frustrating is it when you DO actually want to work and your not a "lazy" 30 something person as some people like to "label" me sigh....u want to work so bad and not ask for help at all and it kills you inside that it's physically something that is beyond your control. It's not that I am not in acceptance. I was dx in 97, and so I went through the stages of grief so to speak.....however when I'm flaring it just tests my tolerance levels and pushes me where I question if it's worth continuing to survive with.....but "NO" i'm not planning to terminate myself or anything of that nature, yet I sure wish I could be numb from this pain and fatigue. Epidural, some sort of shot, any shot that will allow me to have at LEAST some temporary "relief" from this flare up. Next month will be 5 months......I feel like screaming and just saying "f*** it!.
The majority of things to distract myself with that I'd really LOVE to do cost money that I do not have at this time. I was swindled out of $150 out of my bank account thinking i was going to make some money, and it's still a "?" as to whether i'll be refunded that, as i'm waiting for the banks investigation to end and i recieve an answer from them. I also was offered a large line of credit to invest a small business with my mom. I felt I asked all the right questions, and she had as well, and we both knew realistically it's always a chance you take trying to go into your business, however since I'm so atuned with computers and the internet I felt a strong sense of "I can do this" It may take some time, but I CAN do this. I continued to feel it in my gut, my intuition was telling me this so i listened for once and felt i made a good decision....one that i made as a birthday gift to myself in march of this year. NOW............my mom has not been able to be physically involved with being my partner, meanwhile the loaned credit is on my credit record which i've been trying to clean up since i was unable to work in 97.. so everything falls on me without help from my mom, as she's been hit with a lot of unexpected things, so I feel like that opportunity at making extra income is looking dismal.
I explained all that because, it's more difficult to try to pursue stuff like that physically when your flaring and most people without fm that i deal with just don't get it. I think they feel my grandmother should have the assistance that I get from 'In Home Supportive Services", which she does have, however it's a relative and the relative collects the check for being her in home care provider but he only takes her to the store once in a while when he has time and up until recently, she had been talking very dismal about her future, and repeatedly talking about how she'll be withering away soon. That in itself plus other stressors i won't get into have been piling up and it's been more difficult to deal with and push certain worries away with this flare up.......it's causing everything in my life to be more stressful.
My rheumatologist I'll see tomorrow(monday)where i'm going to ask him if he can give me something other than a new "pill" to help me, like a shot or something. I'm just desperate forthe pain to leave. I rarely drink, but find myself drinking a little vodka, or some days mix rum with stuff so i can feel a lil numb, so i don't feel like i'm losing my mind or something.
Anyway i've rambled far to long and said too much, but i just needed to get this out. no friends in the city i live in, only support i have for the fm is my mom, so it's a tough go with all of this flaring for months.......sigh.
Time to attempt sleep.
Thanks for reading/listening. :-(
Anyway, I really need to vent.....sigh...
Okay, so I've been flaring with extreme chronic fatigue & chronic pain continously without any relief let up no matter what i've taken or done to try and help relieve the symptoms mildy at least. I know this comes out as pity party, feeling sorry for myself or whatever and they're are people that are suffering much much more. I understand all of that intellectually. Emotionally I'm so completely drained ....that all I know is that constant pain is abnormal and sucks when their is not even some moments of relief. I always feel like I'm going to drop or faint, my back cringes if clothing even brushes up against it, or if i sit up against the back of a chair. The list goes on, but most of you know how flares on so i don't need to go into constant detail, but I feel so down and low mood wise, and I hate that I feel that way but I do.
I fear I'll never be able to work just because I can't sit in a stationary position for more than 45 minutes without having to lay or stand up and even laying down or standing up i can't do for long, whereas i'm always changing positions physically. I need to financially bring more income, however how frustrating is it when you DO actually want to work and your not a "lazy" 30 something person as some people like to "label" me sigh....u want to work so bad and not ask for help at all and it kills you inside that it's physically something that is beyond your control. It's not that I am not in acceptance. I was dx in 97, and so I went through the stages of grief so to speak.....however when I'm flaring it just tests my tolerance levels and pushes me where I question if it's worth continuing to survive with.....but "NO" i'm not planning to terminate myself or anything of that nature, yet I sure wish I could be numb from this pain and fatigue. Epidural, some sort of shot, any shot that will allow me to have at LEAST some temporary "relief" from this flare up. Next month will be 5 months......I feel like screaming and just saying "f*** it!.
The majority of things to distract myself with that I'd really LOVE to do cost money that I do not have at this time. I was swindled out of $150 out of my bank account thinking i was going to make some money, and it's still a "?" as to whether i'll be refunded that, as i'm waiting for the banks investigation to end and i recieve an answer from them. I also was offered a large line of credit to invest a small business with my mom. I felt I asked all the right questions, and she had as well, and we both knew realistically it's always a chance you take trying to go into your business, however since I'm so atuned with computers and the internet I felt a strong sense of "I can do this" It may take some time, but I CAN do this. I continued to feel it in my gut, my intuition was telling me this so i listened for once and felt i made a good decision....one that i made as a birthday gift to myself in march of this year. NOW............my mom has not been able to be physically involved with being my partner, meanwhile the loaned credit is on my credit record which i've been trying to clean up since i was unable to work in 97.. so everything falls on me without help from my mom, as she's been hit with a lot of unexpected things, so I feel like that opportunity at making extra income is looking dismal.
I explained all that because, it's more difficult to try to pursue stuff like that physically when your flaring and most people without fm that i deal with just don't get it. I think they feel my grandmother should have the assistance that I get from 'In Home Supportive Services", which she does have, however it's a relative and the relative collects the check for being her in home care provider but he only takes her to the store once in a while when he has time and up until recently, she had been talking very dismal about her future, and repeatedly talking about how she'll be withering away soon. That in itself plus other stressors i won't get into have been piling up and it's been more difficult to deal with and push certain worries away with this flare up.......it's causing everything in my life to be more stressful.
My rheumatologist I'll see tomorrow(monday)where i'm going to ask him if he can give me something other than a new "pill" to help me, like a shot or something. I'm just desperate forthe pain to leave. I rarely drink, but find myself drinking a little vodka, or some days mix rum with stuff so i can feel a lil numb, so i don't feel like i'm losing my mind or something.
Anyway i've rambled far to long and said too much, but i just needed to get this out. no friends in the city i live in, only support i have for the fm is my mom, so it's a tough go with all of this flaring for months.......sigh.
Time to attempt sleep.
Thanks for reading/listening. :-(