THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: TENTH EDITION
STUCO REPORT
by Peter Parker
It's been a slow time for StuCo recently. There was no Student Council meeting last week. Or if there was, I missed it. Instead, Student Council presented a Battle of the Sexes.
The real winner was the audience.
The week before that was Spring Break, and the week before that was light.
You're all caught up with the breakneck world of student politics. Exciting, isn't it?
A MATTER OF MONTHS OR YEARS
by Rory Gilmore
In spring of last year, Fandom High produced an exceptional crop of graduates, many of whom are still close to current students. One such graduate is Anakin Skywalker, who left us last August as an eighteen year-old Padawan (Jedi learner, for those not familiar with the vocabulary) and has returned this winter to teach as a twenty-four year-old Jedi Master. Time fluxes are a tricky little phenomenon, aren't they?
Master Skywalker is assuming the role of Ethics teacher after Lord Vader, his predecessor, was defeated thanks to the efforts of Skywalker and his son, Luke (Fandom High junior). "...sometimes people need to die for the greater good of the galaxy. Palpatine [Lord Vader's superior] and Vader were such people. Luke did most of the work on board the Death Star. I just stepped in at the end to finish up,"
says Skywalker.
Master Skywalker feels that he's exceptionally qualified to teach his subject, particularly considering the tendencies of his predecessor. However, his obvious happiness at being with his son softens the harshness of the circumstances of his return. When asked for a quote, Master Skywalker simply supplies, "It's good to be back in Fandom."
BOYS WHO ARE GIRLS WHO LIKE BOYS...AND SO ON
by Angela Chase
Fandom got an International Women's Day makeover last week, as many of the island's male residents traded in their jock straps for mascara and bras. The cause of the sudden switch, which lasted for about 24 hours, is still unknown, though it might be worth checking if Nadia Santos dropped anything into the water supply, not that I got turned into a boy that way or anything.
While there was some shrieking in the morning, most suddenly femme Fandomites seemed to adopt quickly. Some were spotted getting pedicures or experimenting with hairstyles; others went to class, sparred, and hung out in the common room as usual -- just with new packaging.
If you missed the chance to see your boyfriend with breasts, don't fret -- several students took photos, and Pippi even came through with a video camera. Those will be interesting pictures to explain to moms. But no worries, guys -- in this place, it can be assumed girls will get their own personal testosterone overdoses sooner or later.
In addition, it must be noted that Fandom guys make a hot bunch of girls.
CATCHING UP WITH RITA SKEETER
by Peter Parker
During the Spring 2005 semester, the faculty sponsor for the Fandom High Times was a self-described witch named Rita Skeeter. She was a well-known journalist in her world before coming to Fandom and became infamous here in town for her radio broadcasts and habit of turning students into animals.
Her integrity, in both her journalism and teaching careers set a standard that I can only hope to match. I'll be striving for that starting with this column.*
Since leaving Fandom, Ms. Skeeter left her previous husband, Wilbur, and married chocolate magnate Cornelius Fudge before starting a cult. Even her newfound faith as the minister of a Christian pagan group hasn't prevented her from slowly losing her mind. She forgets about new wrinkles and can't keep track of the lies that she tells to guard her feelings.
It seems that after leaving Fandom and her best friend who she affectionately calls "Wombat," John Crichton, her world fell apart, driving her into an unnamed sanitarium. On behalf of all of Ms. Skeeter-Fudge's former students, I can only hope that she's finally getting the help she so clearly needs.
*Sarcasm, of course. You'd understand it if you ever heard her on the radio.
LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED
by Rikku
Hello and welcome to another week of LEARN TO SPEAK AL BHED!!! If you've been keeping up with these then you know how to say quite a few things in Al Bhed! But just in case you haven't we're going to review a couple essentials! And then you can try these out on any Al Bhed you happen to run into! Although that's probably just going to be me!
Hello there! How are you today?
Rammu drama! ruf yna oui dutyo?
Please? Thank you! You're welcome!
Bmayca? Dryhg oui! Oui yna famlusa!
Goodbye! I will see you again later!
Kuutpoa! E femm caa oui ykyeh mydan!
(See?? That's all you need to start a conversation, right there!!!)
I am glad that the storms are finally over!
E ys kmyt dryd dra cdunsc yna vehymmo ujan!
I can't wait to learn more Al Bhed!
E lyh'd fyed du maynh suna Al Bhed!
That's all for this week! Let me know if there's anything you'd like to say in Al Bhed! Caa oui haqd desa! (See you next time!)
Hi! This is just-Rikku-and-no-Alanna doing horoscopes this week, as Alanna seems to be a statue. (GET WELL SOON ALANNA!!!) Luckily I've got some of her notes, but she's way better at this than I am so these may not be the best horoscopes ever. But I'm trying!
ARIES (March 21-April 19):
Anything is possible so long as you have fire. And Aries always have fire, because it's in their sign element. So you can do anything! You're like a superhero. As long as you don't doubt yourself or let other people doubt you. That must be your critical weakness. Totally watch for that.
TAURUS (April 20-May 20):
Things aren't setting in a stone, so if you're not sure about It, whatever It is, then don't go through with It. But have back-up plans, so you're not just stuck sitting at home while your friends go out and party. Although a party doesn't sound so bad, does it?
GEMINI (May 21-June 21):
You want to start over, but you're not sure if you should. So maybe you shouldn't. Maybe you should, but you need to think about why you're starting over first instead of just throwing your hands up and going "Changed my mind." I hope you're not, like, wanted by the law or anything. Or your teachers.
CANCER (June 22-July 22):
Okay, your third house is moving through Mercury. Seriously, that's all I've got here. I guess if you can't find your third house, you should call this Mercury person and tell them to give it back. I don't know how you'd lose a house. Maybe Mercury's just borrowing it. Trust Mercury. We'll go with that.
LEO (July 23-August 22):
Oooh, this one's all about your love life! Your heart's going a mile a minute and your head's kinda swimmy. But make sure you get your head solid so you know what you're getting into. Take your time, just 'cause your heart's beating so fast doesn't mean you've gotta keep up!
VIRGO (August 23-September 22):
The same-old same-old isn't gonna do it, you have to go for what's new and different. It's risky but it's gonna have a big payoff, I guess, or else they wouldn't tell you to do it. And don't start thinking this another one of those kinky ones, because her notes totally said it's a work deal.
LIBRA (September 23-October 22):
Go out and have a good time! Fun is really important to you and your friends, so take them all out and have fun. Invite me, I'm always up for a party. Hey, I wonder if this is the party that the Tauruses was worried about! they shouldn't be, parties rock.
SCORPIO (October 23 - November 21):
Lots of things at your job are shifting and you might even grab onto a brass ring. I don't know, that doesn't sound too pretty to me. But your bosses are going to realize that you are awesome and a hard worker, and you might even get a promotion. Promotions are always good, right?
SAGITTARIUS (November 22-December 21):
You aren't psychic, so don't try to be. Wait, Sagittariuses aren't psychic? That kinda sucks. But I'm not psychic either. Anyway, no sitting around pretending to read people's minds, because it's way easier to just ask them. They might lie, but if you're not psychic anyway, it's not like it's gonna matter.
CAPRICORN (December 22-January 19):
Bad things are coming, but luckily, you're the one that can save the day. Hey, I thought Aries was the superhero! You guys should team up. Once you kick some butt, everybody's gonna think you're awesome. Which you totally are. Be nice to us lowly peons, okay?
AQUARIUS (January 20-February 18):
Be nice to somebody who's being mean to you, even if it's totally their fault. Maybe it's all a misunderstanding! You could make a new friend and new friends are always cool. Anyway you're super enough to forgive and forget even if it's the other person's fault, so go do that.
PISCES (February 19-March 20):
If you feel like you're heading the wrong way and there's nothing to tell you what's going on, that means you're actually going the right way. That sounds like a riddle, doesn't it? Wait, does that mean if you think everything's okay, it's not?! Watch your back!
Coffee Pin-Up
credits:
editor: Rory Gilmore
words: Angela Chase, Rory Gilmore, Peter Parker, Rikku
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan, the humble Rory Gilmore, and the magnificent Google
coffee pin-up: http://www.thecoffeerevolution.com/o/img/photo/mocha3_300.jpg