THE FANDOM HIGHTIMES: FOURTH ISSUE
RORY SPEAKS:
Okay, so, the old "Fandom is weird" horse is pretty much dead and sporting some impressive post-mortem bruises at this point, but Halloween might win for at least a few months.
How many people can say that their vampire puppy did battle with what I can only assume is a vampire pumpkin?
I mean, sure, last year there was apparently a haunted house and a ghost that liked boykissy, and that was weird too. But probably not as cute. Or at least not in the same way.
So here's my thought. Do you guys think Fandom is aware of time? Do you think that specifically seasonal weirdness is doomed to be foisted upon us? Are we going to face an onslaught of tiny escapee turkeys later this month, or a rampaging horde of extremely aggressive mistletoe?
That's not disconcerting at all. No, really.
STUCO RECAP
by Peter Parker
Hello, Fandom High. After a couple weeks off your Student Council Recap returns with all of the news, notes, and pointless minutiae you could possibly want within reason.
*At the end of Parents Weekend, StuCo hosted a survivors' party. Everyone seemed to make it out of the weekend alive so there was plenty to celebrate.
*There's been a petition going around started by Blair Sandburg to get the cafeteria open on weekends. Now that we have plenty of signatures, the next step to open it up was discussed.
*A rough idea for a floor competition was laid out but is wholly unnecessary since the third floor pwns all anyway.
And in previous weeks, a Fandom Flugtag was proposed, Pictionary was discussed, and Jamie Madrox was still hammering out ideas on his Utopia party that Professor Lyman still calls an orgy.
Now you are all caught up with your Student Council.
IDEAL TEACHER HALLOWEEN COSTUMES
by Blair Sandburg
Halloween is a time for fun, candy, and costumes. In that vein, I bring my ideas for faculty costumes.
Daisy Adair - The acting professor needs a red beard, baldhead and baseball cap like the director who used to play Mopie on TV. Because every actor wants to direct at some point.
Ellie Arroway - An astronomy teacher should really go as the solar system, but that would be hard to get through doors. Maybe an alien instead!
Aziraphale - I could make a joke about having him dress as the devil, but I think that’s too obvious. Our prophecy professor should dress up as Miss Cleo, the television psychic. Complete with fake-Jamaican accent.
Logan Cale - Connie Chung. Because she’s the first journalist that came to my mind and we need to have at least one male teacher in a dress.
Jenny Calendar - Team costume with Abby Sciuto! One can be a CPU and the other can be a keyboard and monitor. If either of them had a pet…it could be the mouse!
Janice Covington - She seems like she needs to be dressed in pre-industrial handmade midriff baring clothes. Don’t know why.
Jesse Custer - I’m just going to go for the easy joke and say pirate.
The Doctor - Giant banana. Who gives out bananas. To me, that’s hilarious.
Constable Fraser - I’m sorry, I can’t figure out a costume that still includes the hat and I’m pretty sure that Fandom High law indicates the hat must always be included.
Valerie Frizzle - No costume I could come up with tops what she normally wears. But I’m going to suggest that Liz dresses up as Ms. Frizzle. With a wee red wig and everything!
Lorelai Gilmore-Danes - Bottle of glitter. Bucky can be one of those little clumps that happens when glue gets stuck in the bottle.
Honor Harrington - Horse! Warhorse! Get it?
Daniel Jackson - Um, Dr. Jackson is totally cool and he can come as whatever he wants.
Lorne - Is it possible to find a ‘DOINK DOINK’ costume?
Josh Lyman - Our politics professor should come dressed up as his favorite form of caffeine beverage, but this close to elections I can cut him a break and let him dress as ‘guy with cell phone and laptop’.
El Mariachi - Again with taking the easy road, our dance teacher should dress as a member of a mariachi band. Bonus points if he can convince other people to fill out the band.
Thursday Next - Wear a sign that says ‘Wednesday’. Easiest costume ever.
Susan Pevensie - If she dressed as Sigmund Freud wearing a slip, then she’d be a Freudian slip!
Benjamin Franklin 'Hawkeye' Pierce - How much trouble am I going to get in for messing with the administration? Let’s go with bartender for the Vice Principal.
Alianne - Bad teeth. 60’s haircut. Groovy clothes. That’s all our spy professor needs to be Dustin Bowers: International Man of Mystery!
Mary Poppins - She could dress as our old creature languages teacher, Professor Dream! I think Professor Poppins would look good in black.
Yomiko Readman - I think our librarian should dress as a signed pass into special collections. If by any chance someone was able to take a picture and use it as a convincible forgery, we can just pass it off as Halloween trickery.
Elliot Reid - She’s a girl. With medical instruments. Naughty doctor jokes pretty much make themselves.
Abby Sciuto - See Jenny Calendar entry above.
Swedish Chef - I think the Chef can dress as Emeril. Because the cafeteria needs more BAM!
The Tick - I would say ‘something not in blue’ but I’m afraid to find out what’s underneath.
V and Professor Mr. Lord Darth Vader - Another team costume! V and Vader can dress as the little angel and devil that sit on people’s shoulder. V just needs to trade his current mask for a devil one and dress in red. I’m pretty sure that Darth Vader’s outfit will be easy to spray paint white and then we just put a halo on top!
Dr. Wilson - If Elliot Reid gets to dress up as a naughty doctor, Dr. Wilson should have that option too. But since I can't make the same suggestion twice, he's stuck with naughty nurse. Sorry about the skirt, man.
John Winchester - Hippie. Because the man needs hugs.
Yondaime - Our energy and fitness teacher should dress as the epitome of energy, Richard Simmons! I’m sure he’ll look great in the mini shorts and tank top.
Zoe Washburn - I’m getting an Amazon woman vibe off our principal. Which is totally respectful and not creepy.
THE UNDISCOVERED ANIMALS OF FANDOM
by Peter Parker
Here in Fandom, there are plenty of strange and mysterious animals roaming around. With the local wildlife ranging from the teal deer to reporter squirrels, there is no way of knowing what else might be out there. Therefore, a speculative list must be put forth suggesting what animals might be out there so nature lovers can look out for them. It may be that none of these animals exist, or perhaps they just need to be found first.
*Razor-beaked platypus: The post-apocalyptic cousin to the docile but surprisingly well-armed duck-billed platypus, the razor-beaked platypus has a spiked tail and a beak that could cut paper like scissors. Fortunately, the razor-beaked platypus is a lazy creature who eats only the finest grapes imported from France and poses little danger to the general population.
*Pilot penguins: Tired of the cold of Antarctica, the pilot penguins learned that they were indeed capable of flight. They just had to flap their wings really, really hard to achieve it. Once they achieved flight, they flew up to Virginia to appreciate the warm summer. They should be flying to California for the winter any day now, so watch for their flight.
*Two-legged mule: Born with only hind legs, this mule has tremendous balance and walks upright. It is said that only the most determined people are able to ride a two-legged mule but in reality only those the mule chooses to let ride it can. They're not fans of the whole riding thing, but they do like when people fall off.
*Constellation fish: These are ordinary star fish with a sense of creativity. They team up to form complex designs in the ocean which unfortunately go unnoticed since it's hard to see through that much water.
*Plasticchuck: How much plastic would a plasticchuck chuck if a plasticchuck could chuck plastic?
*Socks: Some of your socks may be alive. If you ever feel like your foot is being gnawed on while you're wearing socks and shoes, it might just be that your socks are hungry.
Hopefully you are now better prepared for the kind of wildlife threats you might encounter in Fandom. It could be that none of these animals exist, but there's no way be completely sure until we can prove it.
Coffee Pin-Up
credits:
editor: Rory Gilmore
words: Rory Gilmore, Peter Parker, Blair Sandburg
pictures: The fabulous Chloe Sullivan and the magnificent Google
coffee pin-up: http://www.topmeadow.net/bwm/images/2003/20030810-large-latte.jpg
