He could understand how weird it was to be back. In a way, it almost wasn't fair to be plopped right back in the place they were with only a few days missing. Truth be told, he was still a little shell shocked. Going with so little for so long made you resourceful, and little things like the ability to just get up and take a shower or pop across the street to get a bite to eat felt almost...wrong.
Not that he was going to complain, it was definitely easier than going out and killing something, but he couldn't look at food the same way anymore. Processed food was hard to digest without feeling sick, and the sensation of being in a moving vehicle was foreign. He felt a little bit freakish buying new clothes, and grocery stores were almost overwhelming. Like a caveman in the future.
There had also been the immediate urge to check himself back into the hospital, but he was a dead man, now. Turning up to a state regulated looney bin would put him right back on the grid, and that was the last thing he wanted. Besides, he had to know what happened to his friends.
"Me too." He answered, never the best at vocalizing his feelings.
The corner of Eileen’s lips turned up into a pained smile. Sometimes being around Tom made her want to weep. He was endlessly sweet and she always felt an overwhelming urge to comfort him in some way, with a hand on his shoulder or folded over his own. This time, she tucked it into the crook of his arm, scooting closer to him. Maybe she needed reassurance that he was real, too.
“What I mean to say,” Eileen began, licking her lips as they had suddenly gone dry, “is that I’d never get a chance to tell you how I felt-- feel about you.” Her bright green eyes engaged his then, searching for any sign of hesitation or discomfort. By some miracle, Tom was sitting on her couch in Ashfield, and she didn’t want to ruin this moment by scaring him off with a loaded confession. “Know what I mean?”
It wasn't hesitation she found in return, but surprise. Taken aback, he stayed still for the briefest of moments before nodding.
"Yeah."
He understood perfectly well what she meant because he felt the same way, too. Towards the end, Tom had been more and more able to approach women. Maybe it was his loss of Eileen, or those small ellipses of normality, but he'd become intimate with a few women. But rebound or courage, he felt more secure. And that was what made this so much harder to do. She wasn't safe with him and he knew it. He had never thought it would be a problem with girls he liked, but Elle was proof that wasn't the case. Somewhere deep inside, his love still belonged to Sarah, and her betrayal had left just as many scars as Harry. It didn't matter that Eileen wasn't like that. Elle hadn't been either, but they fulfilled the role of the woman he cared about, and his illness didn't seem to discriminate.
Tom clenched his jaw, a pained expression crossing his face as he laid his hand on her's.
He wanted her, he always had. He wanted normalcy. He wanted to be happy, but he knew she would only get hurt. Some part of him said fuck it. Do it anyway. Take a chance, maybe it will be different! But he couldn't knowing what might happen. To be bluntly honest, he hadn't thought she would be here much less thought this far ahead.
"Eileen, I..." Tom began quietly, searching her face for an easy explanation. There wasn't one. "I'm sick."
Concern welled up inside her and she bent her head to keep their eyes locked.
“Sick?” Eileen squeezed his arm sympathetically. He looked thin, sallow. Then again, so did she. Traveling to meet her from wherever he initially woke up probably took a lot out of him. Hell, retrieving her mail sometimes felt like an Olympian feat, and she didn’t have to climb the stairs anymore. “Have you seen a doctor?”
"Yeah." He worried his bottom lip. "A lot of them, actually." How was he supposed to say this? How had they gone this long without her finding out anyway? He should come with a label or something. Warning: Bat shit crazy with a heart of gold.
Tom shook his head.
"I have been for a while. It's not- I mean." He could see what would happen already. She'd freak out, he would feel terrible and leave as fast as possible, and they would never see each other again, leaving all those good memories shattered.
"This." He gestured between them. "Us. I'm no good for you."
That… wasn’t exactly the answer Eileen was hoping for, and the disappointment was apparent on her face. Monsters and mysterious killings, for the most part, were a thing of the past. What could be standing in their way now?
Well, aside from Tom himself. He always kept everyone at arm’s reach in World’s End, and Eileen could understand the reasoning behind it. It was a precarious thing getting too close to anyone in case they were killed or vanished altogether, but that was all over, or so she hoped. They were both free to see how things developed. Right?
“Why would you say that? You were one of the only people I could truly rely on in that awful place. Just-“ Eileen closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, bracing herself for the worst. “This is going to sound pathetic, but please don’t tell me you came all this way just to turn me down.”
"What? No-" Oh god, she was going to start crying, huh. "I- I want to. I do, really. Eileen you mean...so much to me. I just-"
He hadn't thought this far ahead. Behold, a man completely unprepared. "I didn't even know if you'd be here." It was almost easier to get by in World's End. There were good reasons to keep away from people. With the thread of death and the battle of survival hanging over their heads, there were more important things to do than acknowledge feelings.
"I'm not...well. And I'm afraid you could get hurt."
There it was. The truth more or less. Half of him was urging to get the hell out of there before something happened, the other half didn't want to be anywhere else. It was difficult, but he had learned the consequences getting too close, and there wasn't a reboot switch now. This was real life, and you only had the one shot.
Eileen struggled for something to say that would make it alright, but she knew he had problems. The specifics weren’t entirely clear, and she could just barely recall his first stint in jail back in World’s End. After they became friendly, the topic was never brought up, though questions lingered in the back of her mind; and for every unasked question, there was conjecture. Stalking, murder, insanity. Words Eileen was uncomfortably familiar with.
Unconsciously or not, she’d always linked Tom with Walter Sullivan. At least, the Walter she met as a girl in the subway terminal. She could still smell the dirty blanket as he shifted under it to keep warm and the way his blond hair was matted to his skull. He was like a sickly stray animal. Tom struck her as just as helpless, lost and pitiful as Walter was then. Eileen only ever wanted to help them both.
“You think I’ve never heard that whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech before?” she joked, trying to lighten the mood and maybe coax a smile out of him.
He snorted, wishing it was that simple. She was too much. Every word out of Eileen's mouth was perfect. she was smart, funny, put up with all of his shit. and here he was fucking it all up.
"Do you remember Axel Palmer?" He asked, rubbing the knuckles of his left hand, not able to face her. "He wasn't in town long, but he had a lot of things to say about me."
“I think so… oh, he was the cop, right? We spoke once over the communicators, and that was enough for me. I didn’t like him at all.”
Then again, there wasn’t a lot to like at the time. Bodies had started piling up as the 21 Sacraments were claiming lives left and right. Eileen rarely left her apartment, and not without Claire, Henry or Alex (or some combination of the three) to escort her. Axel was quick to accuse Tom of being behind it all, but the rest of World’s End spoke up in his defense. From what she could remember, nothing really came of it and the murders stopped. But not before half the population had been decimated. It was small comfort that they all eventually came back. She couldn’t imagine the hell they’d gone through; at least, not until later when Walter’s spirit possessed her a second time and-
God. It would take her years to process everything that’d happened, wouldn’t it?
“Look, it’s not right for me to expect you to drop everything and reciprocate my feelings. All that stuff in World’s End, it’s going to stay with us for a long time until we’re ready to deal with it. But promise me one thing? Promise that you’ll check in now and then. Let me know how you’re doing.” Slowly, not wanting to startle him, Eileen slanted her body against his, resting her head on his shoulder. “Don’t disappear on me, that’s all I ask.”
Tom nodded when she remembered who Axel was, but didn't say anything as to cut her off. He watched her as she thought and tried to place the look on her face. It was the same look he got thinking about that place. Their demented home for two whole years. Someone could write a book about that time and sell it on as a number one selling fiction. Remembering World's End left him numb. Too much had happened. Too many bizarre, unimaginable trials.
Eileen then leaned against him, breaking his train of thought and he looked over - resting his head against hers. Tom wrapped his arms around Eileen after a moment of hesitation. "I won't," he murmured into her hair, happy to stay right were he was forever.
And it was in that moment Tom wanted to kiss her more than anything.
So he did. Tipping her chin with his hand, Tom leaned in and gave her one soft, tender kiss on the lips. She was so amazing, and he was being a selfish idiot. Eileen had been there for him every time he had ever needed her without question. He wanted her more beyond words, and now she was right there - asking for that very thing. And even though he wanted to, there was still something holding him back. There was always something holding him back. He was sick of it.
Eileen wouldn’t consider herself an overly emotional person. She was composed, at times unnaturally so, even in the face of monsters and maimed ghosts. She never cried, never screamed and never raged about how unfair it was that she was drawn into Walter’s head, or World’s End later on.
So why now did she suddenly feel so angry? At Tom?
His kiss was sweet and gentle, mouth barely moving against hers. It was like she’d always imagined it would be. But it was also meekly apologetic, and Eileen struggled not to push him away. Not a moment ago she said it was fine if he needed time alone to think and recover, but it wasn’t fine. When she first arrived in World’s End, she thought it had robbed her of the chance to leave South Ashfield and pursue a new life when, in fact, it had granted her wish. Only when the city booted her out for good was she truly left with nothing. Rowen hadn’t come with her, she couldn’t reach any of her friends and Henry was still gone. Then, by some freak miracle, Tom had shown up on her doorstep just to turn around and walk back out.
She tilted her head slightly and pressed her trembling lips to his. She had flattened a palm against his shoulder, but now it closed into a fist and struck him on the arm. Not hard enough to bruise, but Eileen needed him to know how much it would hurt to see him go.
Tom pulled away immediately, startled by Eileen's punch to the arm. That wasn't exactly the response he was looking for, here. Even if he wasn't sure exactly what he thought would happen. It beat a punch to the face, though.
"Ow, what?"
Nothing he was saying or doing was coming out right. It was frustrating, and everything felt muddled. Like he couldn't quite keep on top of what was going on. Not that this was a new feeling. He hadn't been the pilot for a long time.
Maybe he should go. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Hell, maybe it wasn't even happening and all this was just some fucked up mind trip.
But it really wasn't. And he knew that despite the million explanations he could come up with.
“I’m sorry! I-“ Eileen pressed a hand to her cheek, breathing hard around the lump in her throat. “I don’t know where that came from.” She couldn’t cry, not now. Tom would be out the door before the first tear squeezed itself out. But she couldn’t bear shouldering both his hang-ups and her own anymore. It was time to put herself first for once.
“Dammit, I can’t do this anymore, Tom. I won’t do this anymore! For months you were just a voice, a ghost that I worried myself sick over more times than I can count. And now it’s like you… you materialized and everything I feel for you is completely justified. But you’re ready to leave again, just like that,” she snapped her fingers for emphasis. “If this is always how it was gonna end up for us, I wish you hadn’t come looking for me at all.”
There was no rewinding that message. No erasing it. No taking the film it was recorded on and throwing it into a lake. She’d said it, everything she promised herself she wouldn’t say because he was so precious to her and she believed they had a chance together. It left a searing knot in her stomach, but truthfully Eileen felt all the better for getting it off her chest. The real agony would come later when he invariably left her alone.
Not that he was going to complain, it was definitely easier than going out and killing something, but he couldn't look at food the same way anymore. Processed food was hard to digest without feeling sick, and the sensation of being in a moving vehicle was foreign. He felt a little bit freakish buying new clothes, and grocery stores were almost overwhelming. Like a caveman in the future.
There had also been the immediate urge to check himself back into the hospital, but he was a dead man, now. Turning up to a state regulated looney bin would put him right back on the grid, and that was the last thing he wanted. Besides, he had to know what happened to his friends.
"Me too." He answered, never the best at vocalizing his feelings.
"I thought I'd get here and you wouldn't exist."
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“What I mean to say,” Eileen began, licking her lips as they had suddenly gone dry, “is that I’d never get a chance to tell you how I felt-- feel about you.” Her bright green eyes engaged his then, searching for any sign of hesitation or discomfort. By some miracle, Tom was sitting on her couch in Ashfield, and she didn’t want to ruin this moment by scaring him off with a loaded confession. “Know what I mean?”
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"Yeah."
He understood perfectly well what she meant because he felt the same way, too. Towards the end, Tom had been more and more able to approach women. Maybe it was his loss of Eileen, or those small ellipses of normality, but he'd become intimate with a few women. But rebound or courage, he felt more secure. And that was what made this so much harder to do. She wasn't safe with him and he knew it. He had never thought it would be a problem with girls he liked, but Elle was proof that wasn't the case. Somewhere deep inside, his love still belonged to Sarah, and her betrayal had left just as many scars as Harry. It didn't matter that Eileen wasn't like that. Elle hadn't been either, but they fulfilled the role of the woman he cared about, and his illness didn't seem to discriminate.
Tom clenched his jaw, a pained expression crossing his face as he laid his hand on her's.
He wanted her, he always had. He wanted normalcy. He wanted to be happy, but he knew she would only get hurt. Some part of him said fuck it. Do it anyway. Take a chance, maybe it will be different! But he couldn't knowing what might happen. To be bluntly honest, he hadn't thought she would be here much less thought this far ahead.
"Eileen, I..." Tom began quietly, searching her face for an easy explanation. There wasn't one. "I'm sick."
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“Sick?” Eileen squeezed his arm sympathetically. He looked thin, sallow. Then again, so did she. Traveling to meet her from wherever he initially woke up probably took a lot out of him. Hell, retrieving her mail sometimes felt like an Olympian feat, and she didn’t have to climb the stairs anymore. “Have you seen a doctor?”
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Tom shook his head.
"I have been for a while. It's not- I mean." He could see what would happen already. She'd freak out, he would feel terrible and leave as fast as possible, and they would never see each other again, leaving all those good memories shattered.
"This." He gestured between them. "Us. I'm no good for you."
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Well, aside from Tom himself. He always kept everyone at arm’s reach in World’s End, and Eileen could understand the reasoning behind it. It was a precarious thing getting too close to anyone in case they were killed or vanished altogether, but that was all over, or so she hoped. They were both free to see how things developed. Right?
“Why would you say that? You were one of the only people I could truly rely on in that awful place. Just-“ Eileen closed her eyes and drew a deep breath, bracing herself for the worst. “This is going to sound pathetic, but please don’t tell me you came all this way just to turn me down.”
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He hadn't thought this far ahead. Behold, a man completely unprepared. "I didn't even know if you'd be here." It was almost easier to get by in World's End. There were good reasons to keep away from people. With the thread of death and the battle of survival hanging over their heads, there were more important things to do than acknowledge feelings.
"I'm not...well. And I'm afraid you could get hurt."
There it was. The truth more or less. Half of him was urging to get the hell out of there before something happened, the other half didn't want to be anywhere else. It was difficult, but he had learned the consequences getting too close, and there wasn't a reboot switch now. This was real life, and you only had the one shot.
Reply
Unconsciously or not, she’d always linked Tom with Walter Sullivan. At least, the Walter she met as a girl in the subway terminal. She could still smell the dirty blanket as he shifted under it to keep warm and the way his blond hair was matted to his skull. He was like a sickly stray animal. Tom struck her as just as helpless, lost and pitiful as Walter was then. Eileen only ever wanted to help them both.
“You think I’ve never heard that whole ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ speech before?” she joked, trying to lighten the mood and maybe coax a smile out of him.
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"Do you remember Axel Palmer?" He asked, rubbing the knuckles of his left hand, not able to face her. "He wasn't in town long, but he had a lot of things to say about me."
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Then again, there wasn’t a lot to like at the time. Bodies had started piling up as the 21 Sacraments were claiming lives left and right. Eileen rarely left her apartment, and not without Claire, Henry or Alex (or some combination of the three) to escort her. Axel was quick to accuse Tom of being behind it all, but the rest of World’s End spoke up in his defense. From what she could remember, nothing really came of it and the murders stopped. But not before half the population had been decimated. It was small comfort that they all eventually came back. She couldn’t imagine the hell they’d gone through; at least, not until later when Walter’s spirit possessed her a second time and-
God. It would take her years to process everything that’d happened, wouldn’t it?
“Look, it’s not right for me to expect you to drop everything and reciprocate my feelings. All that stuff in World’s End, it’s going to stay with us for a long time until we’re ready to deal with it. But promise me one thing? Promise that you’ll check in now and then. Let me know how you’re doing.” Slowly, not wanting to startle him, Eileen slanted her body against his, resting her head on his shoulder. “Don’t disappear on me, that’s all I ask.”
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Eileen then leaned against him, breaking his train of thought and he looked over - resting his head against hers. Tom wrapped his arms around Eileen after a moment of hesitation. "I won't," he murmured into her hair, happy to stay right were he was forever.
And it was in that moment Tom wanted to kiss her more than anything.
So he did. Tipping her chin with his hand, Tom leaned in and gave her one soft, tender kiss on the lips. She was so amazing, and he was being a selfish idiot. Eileen had been there for him every time he had ever needed her without question. He wanted her more beyond words, and now she was right there - asking for that very thing. And even though he wanted to, there was still something holding him back. There was always something holding him back. He was sick of it.
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So why now did she suddenly feel so angry? At Tom?
His kiss was sweet and gentle, mouth barely moving against hers. It was like she’d always imagined it would be. But it was also meekly apologetic, and Eileen struggled not to push him away. Not a moment ago she said it was fine if he needed time alone to think and recover, but it wasn’t fine. When she first arrived in World’s End, she thought it had robbed her of the chance to leave South Ashfield and pursue a new life when, in fact, it had granted her wish. Only when the city booted her out for good was she truly left with nothing. Rowen hadn’t come with her, she couldn’t reach any of her friends and Henry was still gone. Then, by some freak miracle, Tom had shown up on her doorstep just to turn around and walk back out.
She tilted her head slightly and pressed her trembling lips to his. She had flattened a palm against his shoulder, but now it closed into a fist and struck him on the arm. Not hard enough to bruise, but Eileen needed him to know how much it would hurt to see him go.
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"Ow, what?"
Nothing he was saying or doing was coming out right. It was frustrating, and everything felt muddled. Like he couldn't quite keep on top of what was going on. Not that this was a new feeling. He hadn't been the pilot for a long time.
Maybe he should go. Maybe this whole thing was a mistake. Hell, maybe it wasn't even happening and all this was just some fucked up mind trip.
But it really wasn't. And he knew that despite the million explanations he could come up with.
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“Dammit, I can’t do this anymore, Tom. I won’t do this anymore! For months you were just a voice, a ghost that I worried myself sick over more times than I can count. And now it’s like you… you materialized and everything I feel for you is completely justified. But you’re ready to leave again, just like that,” she snapped her fingers for emphasis. “If this is always how it was gonna end up for us, I wish you hadn’t come looking for me at all.”
There was no rewinding that message. No erasing it. No taking the film it was recorded on and throwing it into a lake. She’d said it, everything she promised herself she wouldn’t say because he was so precious to her and she believed they had a chance together. It left a searing knot in her stomach, but truthfully Eileen felt all the better for getting it off her chest. The real agony would come later when he invariably left her alone.
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