The Defensive
Even when I'm not on it, I'm on it. Defending myself. Defending what I think is right. Defending what I love. Defending the fact that I defend it all... Trying to find ways to end the defensive, and end up having to defend those attempts, as well. Thinking about things that people don't want to worry themselves thinking about, defending that. Pointing out the fact that something is wrong when I see it... defending that. It doesn't matter what aspect of life you talk about, something needs defending.
I can't stand up anymore. I've warned so many times that I'm going to just quit the defensive, only to bounce back because I knew if I stopped defending everything, everything would fly apart at the seams. But I'm bingo fuel. Nothing. Everything that happens leads to some kind of defensive. I can't keep up, but if I don't keep up, I'll have even more to have to defend. I'll end up alone, flunked out, defending a lifestyle of gazebo sleeping, stealing wifi and power from public places, living off of now and later candies.
I wish that just one element of my life would snap out of it. Any one of them. Say "oh, of course, sorry, you're not a bad person, and you don't need to defend or justify anything anymore. just relax, it's alright" ...but no. More bills, more loans, more work, more homework, more tests, more labs, more misunderstandings, more needing to defend myself in every aspect... and yet it's speculatively wondered why I'm so defensive. I'm doing the best god damned job I can do. I'm just trying to live, and relate. Trying to make something of myself. Trying to support those around me. Trying to improve, at all costs, not stop moving, not surrender to "fate" - not turning my cheek to run and hide. It's no wonder I'm attacked at every corner. It's no wonder my ideas are rejected, turned against me, landing me on the defensive again.
I just want people to see. I just want the world to be alright. Things aren't getting better with existing philosophies, why not go out on a limb and try mine? What have people got to lose? Predictability? Established routine? No...
I'm controlling. Trying to cope with the idea that I might be bipolar, while there are a hundred other things that could make me happy one minute, and drastically depressed the next. I can't always keep up with homework assignments. I can't always remember a paper for work. Every time I slip, more defense, less progress. I wish I could stop everything. Alas, ironically, I'm an optimist. I'm doomed to keep trying, even if it kills me.
I can't stand up anymore. I've warned so many times that I'm going to just quit the defensive, only to bounce back because I knew if I stopped defending everything, everything would fly apart at the seams. But I'm bingo fuel. Nothing. Everything that happens leads to some kind of defensive. I can't keep up, but if I don't keep up, I'll have even more to have to defend. I'll end up alone, flunked out, defending a lifestyle of gazebo sleeping, stealing wifi and power from public places, living off of now and later candies.
I wish that just one element of my life would snap out of it. Any one of them. Say "oh, of course, sorry, you're not a bad person, and you don't need to defend or justify anything anymore. just relax, it's alright" ...but no. More bills, more loans, more work, more homework, more tests, more labs, more misunderstandings, more needing to defend myself in every aspect... and yet it's speculatively wondered why I'm so defensive. I'm doing the best god damned job I can do. I'm just trying to live, and relate. Trying to make something of myself. Trying to support those around me. Trying to improve, at all costs, not stop moving, not surrender to "fate" - not turning my cheek to run and hide. It's no wonder I'm attacked at every corner. It's no wonder my ideas are rejected, turned against me, landing me on the defensive again.
I just want people to see. I just want the world to be alright. Things aren't getting better with existing philosophies, why not go out on a limb and try mine? What have people got to lose? Predictability? Established routine? No...
I'm controlling. Trying to cope with the idea that I might be bipolar, while there are a hundred other things that could make me happy one minute, and drastically depressed the next. I can't always keep up with homework assignments. I can't always remember a paper for work. Every time I slip, more defense, less progress. I wish I could stop everything. Alas, ironically, I'm an optimist. I'm doomed to keep trying, even if it kills me.