magic pink eraser

[fevlo]

my brain hasnt been exercised in way too long
too many drugs
too many drinks
too many heartbeats

i dont want this anymore
i dont want to be this stupid girl
i want to know what i want
i want to be a real person
i want to function
i want to have a house and a family
and i am not heading towards that
i want to be successful

i want to love and be loved
but not like this
this is too fucked up

it isnt supposed to be like this

i want real friends
i guess that means i need to be a real friend
exerting energy costs me too much
its hard enough to go to work
i want to lie in the grass with a book
and disappear

its time to disappear

ill just leave

start over fresh

but who am i
maybe i can figure it out if im presented with a clean slate
no one to judge me
and predetermine who i will be

maybe i can just study and eat and sleep and create

a trapped bird without wings
sitting, cawing at nothing

disappointment

no more drugs to create me

i want to be me, not a chemical
i want to be alive

or do i

i dont want to be alive here,
here is horrible

now is horrible

i want to time warp
i want to have forests and lakes and oceans and creatures and beauty and air and to breathe and to cry and to learn

i want to like what im doing
i want to be happy

i hate this dread
i hate this anger

erase my life sew up the seams
cut out the ugly parts

cut out this shitty writing and fill it with a beautiful picture. pictures worth a thousand words. fuck this bullshit

fuck.