Why does the universe hate me? :-(
Before I get into what this entry is about, let me start with a quick update on Facebook guy. I last spoke with him at the beginning of the month. He had randomly texted me out of the blue and I was really surprised. I had just been texting Cameron earlier so when my phone beeped, I just assumed it was Cameron and was shocked when it was from Scott. He was just asking me "How I been" and I told him I wasn't expecting to hear from him, but it was a nice surprise. I asked him if we were ever going to hang out again and he said "Yeah, sure" and said that I should hang out with him and his girlfriend. God, the fucking nerve of him. Why the fuck would I want to hang out with him and the girl he decided he'd rather be with than me? I told him I didn't want to hang out with his girlfriend and asked him why it had been nine months since we had hung out and you know what the fucking idiot replied back with: "You tell me." That's right! "YOU TELL ME!" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME??? So I did tell him! I replied with, "I have tried to get with you, but you are either always busy or if we do make plans, you always cancel on me." Which is the fucking truth and he knows it. And he writes back and says, "I know, but it isn't like that." Then he goes on to say that it has nothing to do with me and that it was just "bad timing" which I do not buy at all. I call him on his bullshit and tell him if he did like me, he would actually attempt to spend time with me to which he says that he's not good at making plans with people. Whatever, dude. I know he hangs out with his friends and girlfriend...I knew I was not good enough to be his gf, but guess I wasn't good enough to be his friend either. I told him that he never gave me a chance to get to know me because he never wanted to hang out with me the entire month before he left to go overseas and he sure as hell was busy all the fucking time when he got back even though he had no problem at all writing me pretty much every day when he was gone. He stopped replying to me after that and I haven't heard from him since. Fuck him. At least I've gotten used to the fact that I'm never going to see him again.
Okay, so I had been getting a few messages from guys on that dating website Cameron had set up a profile for me on. The guys sending me messages were either too old, too young, lived too far away, didn't seem my type, or I just wasn't attracted to. But there was one guy who seemed promising...his name was Justin and he was a year younger than me and lived in Omaha and seemed relatively normal and I thought he was good-looking. He wrote me a message telling me he read my profile and saw that we had some things in common and that I seemed smart and had a grip on society and life and that he'd like to get to know me better and added that it didn't hurt I was cute. I replied back and told him thank you for the compliments and we started having a getting to know you conversation. He told me he worked for an ice production company (I guess he delivers ice to different places) and at that time (about a month ago) he was helping train somebody at a plant in Iowa. Anyway, he asked me if I wanted to go out for a couple of drinks when he got back in town. This was the first guy on that site where it got to the point where he asked me if I wanted to meet him. Just like with Scott, I wrote back to warn him that I was shy and socially awkward...and this time I could warn him that I had no confidence in a guy ever liking me because the last (and only) guy I was with never wanted to hang out with me again. And just like as Scott did, he wrote back with encouraging words and told me he still wanted to meet me just to talk and get to know each other, so I agreed to meeting him when he got back in town. He told me texting him would be easier since he didn't always have Internet capabilities, so we started texting each other quite a lot and that's the reason why I was using so many pre-paid cards. I was nervous about texting him because whenever I texted Scott he would never reply, but Justin always replied to my texts within five minutes and he even texted me the next morning after the first night I texted him and apologized to me because he had fallen asleep while we were talking (I joked it was probably because I was boring) and he told me he really liked talking to me. He was definitely being flirty with me and seemed interested in me and said I was beautiful when I sent him a recent photo of me, so of course I was feeling good about this and I was happy because now I could finally get over Scott and just move on with my fucking life and stop wondering why he never wanted to see me again (of course there will always be a nagging part of me that will always wonder why he lied to me about wanting to spend more time with me...) Even though I felt Scott and I had a better rapport (we had more time to get to know each other), I thought my chances with Justin would be better. I told him I had hardly any experience with guys and that I was an awful kisser and asked him if it bothered him that I didn't have any experience and he said no. He would always reply to my texts and really seemed to like me and said he said he couldn't wait to meet me and expressed interest in kissing me and, ahem, other stuff down the road. Now with what happened with Scott, I sure as hell wasn't going to get my hopes up. I was going to be very cautious with Justin because I didn't want to get hurt like that again. I never expected to have anything too serious with Scott, but there was a part of me that thought he would want to date me and looked how dead wrong I turned out to be on that. With Justin, I was just going to take it one step at a time and not expect anything. I was trying my best to stay positive. I thought for sure I would see him more than four times, though.
I met him last Tuesday. For our first "date" (and that doesn't seem like the right word to describe it) I drove to his place. He lives all the way down on 72nd street and I'm on 150th so it was a long drive, but it wasn't as bad when I had to drive to fucking Bellevue to visit Scott. So that was an improvement! I was super nervous even though I had already seen photos of him and had talked to him on the phone once, but when I met him in person he was really nice (and even better looking...which is always a good thing!) I told him how I had a hard time finding his place because all the apartments were cluttered and looked the same and the numbers were all confusing. I met his cat Sylvester, a fat black and white cat who was very talkative and had a lot of energy. We were going to order Chinese, but since he didn't have a takeout menu, we just drove to the China Garden to get our food to go. His car had a huge crack in the windshield and he told me that he was just going to drive it until it broke down and would get a new one. Scott definitely had the better car...not that I was comparing the two! I ordered the almond chicken and he got the sweet and sour chicken and also got two orders of egg rolls and crab rangoo. While we waited for our food, he asked me where I went to school and I'm pretty sure I already told him this over the phone, but I know he was just trying to make small talk. We were sitting next to a huge fishtank and there was one fish I thought was dead at first because it was upside down, but then we saw its mouth move and it was swimming around so it wasn't dead, it just liked being upside down for some reason! (It was a fish that had a balloon-ish body). Justin took a photo of it and we were just laughing over it. We went back to his place where he had a table with four chairs to sit at. He told me he had recently acquired it from a friend. While we were eating, his cat was chasing around a toy and meowing and basically wanting attention so I played with him for a couple minutes, dangling a stick with a piece of string on it. Justin told me there used to be an Angry Bird stuffed toy at the end of it, lol. He told me about his tattoos. He said he had five total. There were three scorpions on his arm (two of which were visible and one of them was covered by a sleeve) and he said he had a big scorpion on his chest. How big, I don't know. (He's a Scorpio hence all the scorpions). And then he said he had a personal one that was just for him. I didn't ask him where and what it was being that he used the word "personal". I figured in due time I would learn more about that tattoo. He asked me if I liked tattoos and I said they weren't really my thing, that I would never get one, but most people I knew had one. I asked him if it hurt when he got them done and he said it was a good kind of pain. I'm really not that into tattoos, especially big ones like he had, but I can overlook things like that. As long as the guy likes me and I like him and find him attractive, I can't be picky about things like that.
While he was talking about his tattoos, I was dipping my crab rangoo in sauce and I dripped sauce on his table and got some on my arm and exclaimed, "Eww!" He made a joke about how I must really hate tattoos, but I'm pretty sure he saw that I got sauce on my arm (I hope!)
We played some videogames. One was a car racing game and the other was Prince of Persia. Prince of Persia was pretty fun. I can't believe they made that into a fucking movie. All you do is fight bad guys and jump and scale walls! How the hell did they make that into a movie?
I think he was mad at me when around midnight I told him I better leave and said we should hang out again and that I would text him tomorrow. He made a remark about how that's what people say when they don't want to see someone again. That kind of bothered me because he was already making assumptions about me. Is it so horrible that I didn't want to make plans right then and there? So I assure him I will text him the next day and he asks me for a hug before I leave and I do and I'm not feeling very confident and felt like I did something wrong as I drive home. On my way home I get a text from him saying how he thought I seemed unsure because I gave him a hesitant hug and that he didn't know what I was worried about because he thought I was cute and enjoyed our time together. When I got home I texted him back and apologized for the hug and said it took me awhile to warm up to people and that I hugged everybody like that and that it had nothing to do with him.
The next day I texted him and asked him if he wanted to hang out again, after apologizing again for being standoffish the other day. He said he definitely wanted to hang out again and we made plans to go to a movie (or rent one depending on how late he would have to work) and going to get a bite to eat the following Monday. He told me he wanted to see more of me so I could feel more comfortable around him, so I was feeling much better and we texted each other a few times that week where he was being quite flirty with me.
Then...ugh...Sunday night I texted him to confirm our plans for the next day and I ask him how his weekend was. He dropped a total bombshell on me when he said that we couldn't continue anything because he had just gotten a text from his ex-girlfriend who was coming back to town (no idea where she had been) and that she wanted to get back with him and he wanted this. Now I don't know what happened with him and this girl. All I know is that they broke up five months ago and now she wanted to get back together with him. He said he was sorry and that he had a good time with me and said I would find someone because I was "fun and cute" and I should "keep my confidence up" and "keep being outgoing." Which are the two things I'm not: confident and outgoing. It took a lot of my willpower not to text him back and tell him to go fuck himself. I did, however ask him why he contacted me in the first place if he still had feelings for his ex and he said he had no idea that this was going to happen and just because he had feelings for his ex, doesn't mean he wasn't trying to move on with his life. Why he didn't talk to her BEFORE he started flirting with me and telling me he liked me and wanted to spend more time with me, I didn't think of to ask until after we had finished our conversation.
But...UGH....this is the second time in a year that a guy who was interested in me and thought I was pretty and wasn't bothered by my inexperience ditched me for another girl. I'm way more pissed off at Scott because at least Justin was straight forward with me and I do understand he has history with his ex. (Of course the cynic in me does think it's very convenient his ex texted him the day before we were suppose to meet a second time. True, he said he wanted to spend more time with me, but so did Scott and he fucking lied to me). Scott, on the other hand, never gave me a chance and after telling me he didn't want to date anyone because "relationships are hard work" and then he starts dating some girl. GOD, GUYS ARE SUCH FUCKING ASSHOLES! I don't know why I can't get a break. It's like everytime something good in my life happens, the universe has to make sure it doesn't last very long.
Now I have to wait for a guy to contact me (because I sure as hell don't have any confidence that any guy would like me) and if I like him, I have to warn him about me and make sure I don't scare him away with my personality and lack of experience. Then I have to go through the whole embarrassing story of why I'm so fucking lame and hope I don't scare him away with that. All I want is to have one relationship, I don't care how long, so I can gain some confidence in my social life. Well, it was nice not crying every day for a month when I thought there might be something with Justin.