Deathly Hallows uberwank: Chapter 14, The Thief
FAN 1: What would happen if a bag of holding was placed inside the Tardis?
FAN 2: Well, for one thing, you'd still be a virgin.
Another shit chapter title. After reading this overnight on release night, I wouldn't have been able to tell you who "the thief" was. Having re-read the chapter a number of times, I still don't know. Not because I didn't understand the chapter, but because it's so nondescript and dull that my mind just seems to slide away from it. I try really hard to think of things to say about it, and suddenly it's ten minutes later and I realise I've been thinking about Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (specifically, how Shad totally fancies Link and how is would be pretty sweet if they made out), or how cool it would be if all the water pipes at work burst again and we all got another random two days off, or what would happen if all fandoms used the ship naming convention Potter fandom uses (the HMS Flaming Catnip and the SS Fuck a Three-Bean Burrito and all that), or whether Luke Skywalker ever uses his lightsaber to shave, or how best to fit the word "frigbank" into a blog post.
... Urgh, anyway, the chapter. It's about a second after the Phoenix Crew escaped the ministry, and they are lying around on a forest floor. Harry sees "Hermione, on her hands and knees, at Ron's head", and this chapter is so boring that this sounds dirty. Ron has splinched himself, which is wizardspeak for has lost a big chunk of flesh from his arm. (Nasty, admittedly, but better than splinching off your balls or something, right?) Right now, Harry reflects that "splinching" sounds comical, but it in fact kind of horrific - which I like, because there are quite a few of those in the series (platform 9 3/4, the frankly completely stupid money system, the fact that Quidditch is utterly nonsensical), and I appreciate that JKR seems to be acknowledging that the silly-sounding process of "splinching" is, in real terms, nasty. Harry grabs a bottle of essence of dittany from Hermione's bag of holding, and uses it to patch Ron's arm up.
... Man, it would be so cool if Link made out with Shad.
Our intrepid trio begin a postmortem of their latest madcap adventure. They can't go back to number 12, because Yaxley has technically been given the secret of its location. They will all miss the lovable Kreacher and his lovable pies. As we all know and have been dreading, the Crew decide to stay put; Hermione casts a bunch of protective spells (including "repello muggletum" which is surely not a real spell) and Harry gets out the tent. The tent, which is bigger on the inside than on the outside, has been stored in the bag of holding, which is also bigger on the inside than on the outside. Later the bag is kept in the tent. Argh my brain hurts. Surely, surely there's some fundamental law of fake physics that doesn't allow for objects both bigger on the inside than the outside to be inside one another on different occasions, or the universe will collapse or something.
Ooh, here's something we can all have a good chuckle at. The spell to put the tent up is "erecto".
I'm twelve.
They put the tent up, they squabble over Voldemort - DON'T SAY THE NAME!!!1!11!1one! - Ron passes out, they make some tea. This is just fucking riveting stuff. Hermione fusses over Ron; Harry notices a tenderness in her expression and feels like he's interrupting an intimate moment. Hey, Warner Brothers, if you want that bit filmed really well - seriously, I mean this part - please bring back Alfonso Cuaron, kthxbai. In fact, do that anyway. So, Harry wonders about asking Ron and Hermione if he can watch the next time they get it on, or something, I forget, I wasn't really paying attention. (Maybe he should just store the image away in his frigb- no, it doesn't really work there, forget I said that.) They pass the horcrux locket around. It throbs like... no. I can't believe I have been reduced to making tenuous, pathetic dick jokes. This chapter is stupid.
So, our intrepid trio decide that they must keep the locket safe until they figure out a way to destroy it. And how will they keep it safe? Why, by WEARING THE FUCKING THING AROUND THEIR NECKS LIKE A FUCKING ALBATROSS, of course. They could put it in Hermione's bag of holding (which is small enough - on the outside - to fit into her inside pocket). They could put it in Harry's pouch (ahem). But no, they put it ON, presumably because I've made loads of Star Wars references but hardly any Lord of the Rings ones. Game over! Except not, because as I have extensively wanked about already, and will continue to do, this is a book, not a video game. Although if it fell somewhere in between and was a choose-your-own-adventure, it would be like, "To wear the locket, turn to page 52" and then you'd turn to page 52 and it would say GAME OVER.
For the rest of the evening, Harry and Hermione keep watch. Also, they eat some mushrooms. That night, Harry angsts. Will Kreacher be pissed off they didn't come back? Will that fucker spill the beans? As Harry's scar burns (yawn), he reflects that Lupin was right - already their adventure has been made of epic fail, and the presence of anyone with a fucking clue, even a gay, lushy wolfman, would be a distinct advantage. Harry Potter - the boy who lived must be accompanied by an adult at all times!
So, like, for example, I think in Heroes fandom, Peter/Sylar should be called "HMS Genesis" and anyone who can guess why gets one hundred nerd points. I don't even know if anyone ships that. I'm just incredibly dorky.
Harry continues to angst, now moving on to the old meme that is Snape killed Dumbledore, before enjoying another flash of Voldevision. (I wonder if Voldemort deliberately times these for moments when Harry can give them his full attention? I mean, Harry never seems to get them when he's on the toilet or drunk or playing video games or having a wank. Maybe it's just that Voldemort, by which I mean JK Rowling, knows exactly when there's no action going on.) Yeah, anyway, Voldemort is now busily torturting and threatening Gregorovitch, who is described as looking like a trussed-up Santa. I bet that's on the Rule 34 website. (I'd have checked, only I typed this up at work). Voldemort tires of Gregorovitch's protestations, and looks into his mind. There, we see Dumbledore's ex, as a young man, jumping out of a window - except we're not supposed to know yet he's Dumbledore's ex, right now he's just supposed to be some guy. Gregorovitch says he doesn't know who the dude is, so Voldemort AKs him just to be a fuck. Here's an artist's impression of what that scene might look like:
DARTH VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? WHAT have you DONE with those plans?
[holding Captain Antilles off the floor, the Captain's feet are dangling at Vader's knees]
ANTILLES: We intercepted no transmissions... [gasps] ... This is a consular ship... We're on a - [chokes] diplomatic mission...
DARTH VADER: If this is a consular ship, where is the ambassador?
[Antilles dies before he can answer, and Vader throws the man's body against the wall, narrowly missing 2 stormtroopers]
Harry comes round, Hermione bollocks him, he shares what he's seen with Ron, they note that Voldemort didn't ask Gregorovitch anything about wands, but wanted something specific he thought Gregorovitch had, Harry goes to sleep. That's the chapter, now I have to go eat fajitas.
... Frigbank.
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FAN 2: Well, for one thing, you'd still be a virgin.
Another shit chapter title. After reading this overnight on release night, I wouldn't have been able to tell you who "the thief" was. Having re-read the chapter a number of times, I still don't know. Not because I didn't understand the chapter, but because it's so nondescript and dull that my mind just seems to slide away from it. I try really hard to think of things to say about it, and suddenly it's ten minutes later and I realise I've been thinking about Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess (specifically, how Shad totally fancies Link and how is would be pretty sweet if they made out), or how cool it would be if all the water pipes at work burst again and we all got another random two days off, or what would happen if all fandoms used the ship naming convention Potter fandom uses (the HMS Flaming Catnip and the SS Fuck a Three-Bean Burrito and all that), or whether Luke Skywalker ever uses his lightsaber to shave, or how best to fit the word "frigbank" into a blog post.
... Urgh, anyway, the chapter. It's about a second after the Phoenix Crew escaped the ministry, and they are lying around on a forest floor. Harry sees "Hermione, on her hands and knees, at Ron's head", and this chapter is so boring that this sounds dirty. Ron has splinched himself, which is wizardspeak for has lost a big chunk of flesh from his arm. (Nasty, admittedly, but better than splinching off your balls or something, right?) Right now, Harry reflects that "splinching" sounds comical, but it in fact kind of horrific - which I like, because there are quite a few of those in the series (platform 9 3/4, the frankly completely stupid money system, the fact that Quidditch is utterly nonsensical), and I appreciate that JKR seems to be acknowledging that the silly-sounding process of "splinching" is, in real terms, nasty. Harry grabs a bottle of essence of dittany from Hermione's bag of holding, and uses it to patch Ron's arm up.
... Man, it would be so cool if Link made out with Shad.
Our intrepid trio begin a postmortem of their latest madcap adventure. They can't go back to number 12, because Yaxley has technically been given the secret of its location. They will all miss the lovable Kreacher and his lovable pies. As we all know and have been dreading, the Crew decide to stay put; Hermione casts a bunch of protective spells (including "repello muggletum" which is surely not a real spell) and Harry gets out the tent. The tent, which is bigger on the inside than on the outside, has been stored in the bag of holding, which is also bigger on the inside than on the outside. Later the bag is kept in the tent. Argh my brain hurts. Surely, surely there's some fundamental law of fake physics that doesn't allow for objects both bigger on the inside than the outside to be inside one another on different occasions, or the universe will collapse or something.
Ooh, here's something we can all have a good chuckle at. The spell to put the tent up is "erecto".
I'm twelve.
They put the tent up, they squabble over Voldemort - DON'T SAY THE NAME!!!1!11!1one! - Ron passes out, they make some tea. This is just fucking riveting stuff. Hermione fusses over Ron; Harry notices a tenderness in her expression and feels like he's interrupting an intimate moment. Hey, Warner Brothers, if you want that bit filmed really well - seriously, I mean this part - please bring back Alfonso Cuaron, kthxbai. In fact, do that anyway. So, Harry wonders about asking Ron and Hermione if he can watch the next time they get it on, or something, I forget, I wasn't really paying attention. (Maybe he should just store the image away in his frigb- no, it doesn't really work there, forget I said that.) They pass the horcrux locket around. It throbs like... no. I can't believe I have been reduced to making tenuous, pathetic dick jokes. This chapter is stupid.
So, our intrepid trio decide that they must keep the locket safe until they figure out a way to destroy it. And how will they keep it safe? Why, by WEARING THE FUCKING THING AROUND THEIR NECKS LIKE A FUCKING ALBATROSS, of course. They could put it in Hermione's bag of holding (which is small enough - on the outside - to fit into her inside pocket). They could put it in Harry's pouch (ahem). But no, they put it ON, presumably because I've made loads of Star Wars references but hardly any Lord of the Rings ones. Game over! Except not, because as I have extensively wanked about already, and will continue to do, this is a book, not a video game. Although if it fell somewhere in between and was a choose-your-own-adventure, it would be like, "To wear the locket, turn to page 52" and then you'd turn to page 52 and it would say GAME OVER.
For the rest of the evening, Harry and Hermione keep watch. Also, they eat some mushrooms. That night, Harry angsts. Will Kreacher be pissed off they didn't come back? Will that fucker spill the beans? As Harry's scar burns (yawn), he reflects that Lupin was right - already their adventure has been made of epic fail, and the presence of anyone with a fucking clue, even a gay, lushy wolfman, would be a distinct advantage. Harry Potter - the boy who lived must be accompanied by an adult at all times!
So, like, for example, I think in Heroes fandom, Peter/Sylar should be called "HMS Genesis" and anyone who can guess why gets one hundred nerd points. I don't even know if anyone ships that. I'm just incredibly dorky.
Harry continues to angst, now moving on to the old meme that is Snape killed Dumbledore, before enjoying another flash of Voldevision. (I wonder if Voldemort deliberately times these for moments when Harry can give them his full attention? I mean, Harry never seems to get them when he's on the toilet or drunk or playing video games or having a wank. Maybe it's just that Voldemort, by which I mean JK Rowling, knows exactly when there's no action going on.) Yeah, anyway, Voldemort is now busily torturting and threatening Gregorovitch, who is described as looking like a trussed-up Santa. I bet that's on the Rule 34 website. (I'd have checked, only I typed this up at work). Voldemort tires of Gregorovitch's protestations, and looks into his mind. There, we see Dumbledore's ex, as a young man, jumping out of a window - except we're not supposed to know yet he's Dumbledore's ex, right now he's just supposed to be some guy. Gregorovitch says he doesn't know who the dude is, so Voldemort AKs him just to be a fuck. Here's an artist's impression of what that scene might look like:
DARTH VADER: Where are those transmissions you intercepted? WHAT have you DONE with those plans?
[holding Captain Antilles off the floor, the Captain's feet are dangling at Vader's knees]
ANTILLES: We intercepted no transmissions... [gasps] ... This is a consular ship... We're on a - [chokes] diplomatic mission...
DARTH VADER: If this is a consular ship, where is the ambassador?
[Antilles dies before he can answer, and Vader throws the man's body against the wall, narrowly missing 2 stormtroopers]
Harry comes round, Hermione bollocks him, he shares what he's seen with Ron, they note that Voldemort didn't ask Gregorovitch anything about wands, but wanted something specific he thought Gregorovitch had, Harry goes to sleep. That's the chapter, now I have to go eat fajitas.
... Frigbank.
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