long time
Not sure where the month of November disappeared but here we are the week before thanksgiving and just on the second day of my vacation. Not sure how I feel these days, I took this quiz that stated I was clinically depressed and I should seek professional help, which I knew I was depressed but I didn't think it was that bad. Granted since I don't normally cry, and I leave the room at least twice a day to avoid crying in front of people, I guess that could be depression at it's best. Birdie said I just need a vacation from everyone, including my roommate, but that isnt going to happen for another day and just as he leaves, my parents arrive for the holiday. I do have Monday of next week to myself. I also had Friday to myself. I have been having really vivid dreams lately and it sort of freaks me out to wake up and find out it was all a dream. This morning I found myself laying there trying to figure out what was real and what was a dream, and figuring it was just safier if went and slept in the guest room. Of course I was awake at the crack of dawn and finding stuff to do while the roomate is still asleep is a challenge. This morning it is watching the bull rider competition and catching up on email and applying for jobs. I was in tears again last night, and I figured I just needed to get it over with, get it out of my system and then tried to go to bed, only to have brian come home and wake me up. Sometimes he is just so charming. And if I could figure out what he needed or even what he wanted, I guess I could pull myself out of the depression just a little bit, but when everything about you life sucks, that you go down the list and half of the things that make you upset have to do with being in love with someone who will never love you back. And you just realize how desperate and pathitic that just is and how much you do have in common with that woman you hate. You may not be a stalker but you just have not given up on the man who rejected you so many times. Who keeps pushing you away, and there is so much you want to say to him but you know it is just not worth it. Nothing you say matters when at the core is a man who doesn't love himself so how can he love you. Well I will move on and get over this I know that , but being patient to make it happen. And if I could just get that dream job and have the freedom to start over.