What is that to be?
He kissed me but all I felt was numb, a simple kiss on the cheek. As he walked away into the cold grayness of the night. I felt the overwhelming pain of truth collide into me, like a thousand blows all at once and as I shut the door my knees grew weak. Making it hard to even pull my muscles together long enough to force my body into my room. And as I sat there all alone with thoughts that I could not silence, with the sound of muffled unclear voices that spoke to one another on my TV. I held my body close and closed thinking of hurt and heartbreak I caused him to endure. I relised that I had in affect pushed the dagger to which I once held so carelessly with him the first time around. Into me piercing through the skin and into a part of me I thought had died before it was even given life. He gave me the gift and curse of love, and now I can hardly endure the lonely endings of my days as I lay in my bed wanting nothing more than to cry and scream until he hears my sincerity and knows that my heart has never been in love this much. I know it because it has never hurt the way it does. The only tears that have ever been shed with such hurt, frustration, and confusion. Are those that were caused by my mother’s lack of prences in my life. And although the two loves are very different I know that I would never let myself fall apart the way that I am without being greatly forced to by something that I couldn’t just walk away from. But how can I stay here, there is no hope to keep me alive here. Just despaired and a feeling that nothingness has become me, and all I can do is cry. I am tired of tears; I am tired of a running nose that makes it hard to breathe when I pry my eyes closed and force my body to rest for some amount of time. I do not want to be here but I can’t leave because my heart belongs to him and he refuses to give it back to me. I don’t know what to do? But im sure I will find something to numb away this pain. Fuck! I have to I am not used to this I never wanted to do this, this is why I ran the first time, because I was scared I would be her, and look where I am.