Unscheduled Jump Street Post!
JUMP STREET WRITER: Hello, viewers. This week's episode features suicidalangstfic!Doug.
MINION: ::whispers in ear::
JSW: Oh. ::laughs:: That's right I forgot about the opera. Make that suicidalsongfic!Doug. With a side of childhood abuse and trauma! ::big grin:: You may recognize this character from my many similar works in many fandoms, including Gundam Wing, Sentinel, Due South, and Weiss Kreuz! Enjoy!
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Jump Street, Best Years of Your Life
BRAD PITT: Hello, future fangirls. I am teenage Brad Pitt. See my curly gold locks and weep, Johnny Depp.
JOHNNY DEPP: Yeah, yeah, still more talented.
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TOMMY: OMG ANGST. I talked to this kid and then he killed himself. It's like I KILLED HIM.
DOUG: Here, let me help you by continuing to see the humor in the situation and making a series of bad jokes.
TOMMY: OMG SHUT UP DOUG.
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DOROTHY: Doug, I've had enough of your bad attitude! ::leaves in a huff::
DOUG: Let me take out my massive unexplained wangst by listening to opera and boxing my hands bloody all by myself.
TOMMY: Hi Doug. What is that, opera? I just stopped by to tell you that you're selfish and no one likes you. Oh, and you're a loser, too. K, bye.
DOUG: ...Let me clean my gun with trembling fingers in the dark and look at its barrel soulfully. Witness my Greasy Hair of Depression.
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TOMMY: Hi, Doug. I just came by to tell you again how much we all hate you. ::gets up in his face:: You should go out and help people who have problems with suicide instead of sitting around being such a bum!
DOUG: I know more about suicide than you ever will! My mother killed herself when I was six!
TOMMY: ::shocked silence::
DOUG: And my father, who used to be a priest--
AUDIENCE: WTF?
DOUG: drank himself to death soon after!
TOMMY: ::MASSIVE GUILT:: I'm sorry Doug. I'm your friend, I should have noticed your pain.
DOUG: ::continues tearjerking childhood story:: My mother was an alcoholic... I tried to kill myself when I was eight... I've never told anyone this before.
TOMMY AND DOUG: ::MASSIVE EYEFUCKING::
DOUG: But I wanted to tell you.
TOMMY AND DOUG: ::continue eyefucking::
DOUG: ::makes another lame joke::
TOMMY: ::gets up behind Doug on Doug's motorcycle and they ride away together::
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JSW: I'm sure all you viewers out there know how this story ends! We don't really have to completely show the comfort part of the hurt/comfort now do we? ::wink::
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HOW MUCH DO I LOVE JUMP STREET?