Stuff
Kenric was my boss at Barnes and Noble. (The word "boss" is a very loose term). He's gone now and I will probably have a real "boss" in the near future so I'm going to tell you some things I already miss.
1. He kept a poloroid camera in his locker so he could take pictures of turds left unflushed in the men's bathroom.
(They say that he was going to make a calander out of his favorite ones--which did include one giant green turd).
2. His office (the men's bathroom)
3. bathroom stories (one time some people were doing the dirty in the stall next to him. One time this guy was breathing really heavy and talking to himself so Kenric had to stay in the stall for a really long time because the guy was freaking him out. one time a guy wrote a swashtaka on the wall with his poop) There's more but I can't remember them
4. When I get mad at old people, he says "don't worry they’ll die soon"
5. Whenever weirdos and perverts came in to buy coffee/stalk people/steal stuff/plot murder, he would hide in the kitchen, peek through the window, make rude gestures, and threaten to hire them.
6. Specifically Bruno, the serial killer. I call him Jeffery, as in Jeffery Dahlmer.
Kenric says that Bruno pees in his pants on purpose. He got arrested for peeing in a church (not in a bathroom in the legal manner, but right on the floor) Bruno doesn't have a car, but walks like 10 miles to hang out at Barnes and Nobles and drink lots of cups of free water. He wears his serial killer vest and his matching serial killer bowtie and likes to write stories about raping people (he wrote me an email about it). Kenric says that he gave Bruno my phone number because Bruno needed to show me his new knife collection.
7. And Chester the Molester. Sometimes he wears an army uniform (no patches, no name, no special military numbers because he's in the secret military). Sometimes he wears scrubs and a stethascope. Sometimes he wears a firefighter costume. One day he was Border Patrol (Virginia has serious Border Patrol issues so we're very lucky to have him here). Oh yeah and he's also a cop. His truck says "K-9 Unit" on the side (in duck tape). I think he's a lawyer, an investment banker, a veterinarian, a vegetarian, and a proctologist too.
8. The Ogre Family!!!! (Kenric calls these people the Turd Family and hides from them too). One time they hid all of our Obama books under the couches and in the trashcans. Mrs. Turd has curley hair, is really fat and looks like a frog with deep seated psychological issues. She was upset because we didn't have any children's books on satanism. Baby Turd spills hot chocolate everywhere (on purpose) and Grandma Turd's head spins around in circles and occasionally detaches from her body. She appears to have died some time ago but that doesn’t stop her from shopping at Barnes and Noble. At the very least, we do have deadicated customers. haha deadicated get it?
9. Our resident crackhead kept asking me if he was annoying. If you have to ask if you are annoying, then you already know the answer. I love that boy, but oh my gosh. I said “IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!” Then of course, he gets all paranoid that I’m really going to kill him because he’s cracked out. But there was a chair in the kitchen that he used to attack the freezer and then he was ok.
10. I can’t stop buying cheese. I have garlic cheese spread, marscepone, parmesian, cheddar, sharp cheddar, swiss cheese spread, provolone, shredded mozzarella, and this red cheese that has nuts on the outside.
11. My parents are having a heated argument over a box of assorted chocolates. Mom won't tell dad their hiding spot because he pokes holes in the bottom of each chocolate with his fingers to avoid eating the ones with fruit filling. I know the hiding spot.
12. Have I strayed off topic? I like to write things next to numbers. I hope that all of you had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!! My resolution is to write in this thing more, not be a bum, and contribute to society in some meaningful way. We’ll see how it goes. Caio!!
1. He kept a poloroid camera in his locker so he could take pictures of turds left unflushed in the men's bathroom.
(They say that he was going to make a calander out of his favorite ones--which did include one giant green turd).
2. His office (the men's bathroom)
3. bathroom stories (one time some people were doing the dirty in the stall next to him. One time this guy was breathing really heavy and talking to himself so Kenric had to stay in the stall for a really long time because the guy was freaking him out. one time a guy wrote a swashtaka on the wall with his poop) There's more but I can't remember them
4. When I get mad at old people, he says "don't worry they’ll die soon"
5. Whenever weirdos and perverts came in to buy coffee/stalk people/steal stuff/plot murder, he would hide in the kitchen, peek through the window, make rude gestures, and threaten to hire them.
6. Specifically Bruno, the serial killer. I call him Jeffery, as in Jeffery Dahlmer.
Kenric says that Bruno pees in his pants on purpose. He got arrested for peeing in a church (not in a bathroom in the legal manner, but right on the floor) Bruno doesn't have a car, but walks like 10 miles to hang out at Barnes and Nobles and drink lots of cups of free water. He wears his serial killer vest and his matching serial killer bowtie and likes to write stories about raping people (he wrote me an email about it). Kenric says that he gave Bruno my phone number because Bruno needed to show me his new knife collection.
7. And Chester the Molester. Sometimes he wears an army uniform (no patches, no name, no special military numbers because he's in the secret military). Sometimes he wears scrubs and a stethascope. Sometimes he wears a firefighter costume. One day he was Border Patrol (Virginia has serious Border Patrol issues so we're very lucky to have him here). Oh yeah and he's also a cop. His truck says "K-9 Unit" on the side (in duck tape). I think he's a lawyer, an investment banker, a veterinarian, a vegetarian, and a proctologist too.
8. The Ogre Family!!!! (Kenric calls these people the Turd Family and hides from them too). One time they hid all of our Obama books under the couches and in the trashcans. Mrs. Turd has curley hair, is really fat and looks like a frog with deep seated psychological issues. She was upset because we didn't have any children's books on satanism. Baby Turd spills hot chocolate everywhere (on purpose) and Grandma Turd's head spins around in circles and occasionally detaches from her body. She appears to have died some time ago but that doesn’t stop her from shopping at Barnes and Noble. At the very least, we do have deadicated customers. haha deadicated get it?
9. Our resident crackhead kept asking me if he was annoying. If you have to ask if you are annoying, then you already know the answer. I love that boy, but oh my gosh. I said “IF YOU DON’T SHUT UP I’M GOING TO KILL YOU!!!” Then of course, he gets all paranoid that I’m really going to kill him because he’s cracked out. But there was a chair in the kitchen that he used to attack the freezer and then he was ok.
10. I can’t stop buying cheese. I have garlic cheese spread, marscepone, parmesian, cheddar, sharp cheddar, swiss cheese spread, provolone, shredded mozzarella, and this red cheese that has nuts on the outside.
11. My parents are having a heated argument over a box of assorted chocolates. Mom won't tell dad their hiding spot because he pokes holes in the bottom of each chocolate with his fingers to avoid eating the ones with fruit filling. I know the hiding spot.
12. Have I strayed off topic? I like to write things next to numbers. I hope that all of you had a great Christmas and a Happy New Year!!!! My resolution is to write in this thing more, not be a bum, and contribute to society in some meaningful way. We’ll see how it goes. Caio!!