Fic: In a Mirror Distorted and Indistinct. RPS. Jensen/Jared. NC-17. Epilogue
Banner by winchesterxgirl
Main post
Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Epilogue | Author’s notes | Soundtrack
Epilogue
2006
The sun is shining brightly when he steps out of the huge office building, and he puts on his sunglasses, squinting against the clear blue April sky before looking around for Jared’s truck. It’s not there. The parking lot is empty, not surprisingly at this time on a Saturday morning.
Jensen twitches.
He fishes a pack of gum out of his pocket, popping a piece into his mouth. Funnily enough he’s finding it actually working, deleting the memory of the food from his mouth by substituting it with something his brain recognizes as harmless. He still had the taste of tuna and mayo on his tongue even if it’s been over an hour since he swallowed the last bite of his sandwich and although the urge has subsided by now it’s better like this. Minty fresh.
(It does wonders to his cigarette craving too. Not miracles, but wonders. Small ones. Very, very tiny.)
It’s one of the reasons these sessions always take so long. She insists on him bringing food with him and then refuses to let him leave until he’s kept it down for at least an hour, after first making sure he eats everything he brought.
That was something it took a long time getting used to, eating large meals he intends to keep down in front of others. Even letting Jared witness it is a trial and sometimes he has to physically sit Jensen down on the couch, clutching his hand to keep him from running to the bathroom the minute he finishes eating.
But he’s doing better now, much better. Much, much better. The more often he tells himself that, the more he’s starting to believe it might even be true.
Well, at least he’s trying. Like, he’s keeping to the diet plan the nutritionist drew for him, to every last item. Jared even makes sure he eats every damn ice cream and cookie listed no matter how many times Jensen tells him he’s full and doesn’t want more.
“You don’t know when you’re full, Jensen,” Dr Stevens explains for the hundredth time. “No more than you know when you’re hungry. Your brain isn’t listening to your body yet but it will. I promise you, one day it will,” she says and smiles when he huffs in frustration and fights to swallow the last bite.
That’s another reason why these sessions take so long. He gets so angry, like every single time. Doesn’t really matter much what they’re talking about, he’ll find himself getting more and more upset and before he knows it he’s yelling, pacing the floor and hitting the walls, tears of anger in his eyes. He hates it, hates losing control like that, but at least it’s better than crying. Which, to be honest, he sometimes does too.
After the first couple of awkward sessions - that mostly consisted of him sitting stubbornly silent while she quietly explained bulimia and anorexia nervosa and all the psychological, emotional and physical aspects they could entail - he suddenly found himself opening his mouth and talking about… well, everything. After years of quiet reservation it’s like someone opened the goddamn floodgates and the words just keep pouring out, angry and bitter, cursing the whole world and everyone he’s ever met. Even Jared at times.
He gets so worked up sometimes it drains him to exhaustion and it’s happened more than once that he’s dozed off once he’s all ranted out. When he jerks awake she’s still just sitting there, patiently scribbling away in her notebook as if it’s perfectly normal for her patients to be snoring on the couch. Sometimes he can’t help wondering if she actually is analyzing him in such details or if maybe she’s just writing down her grocery list. Not that he really cares. He can afford her and she does make him feel better, however odd that may sound. For one thing, the more sessions he has, the less inclined he’s been to take out his frustration on Jared. And that alone is worth all the money in the world.
He never means to hurt Jared, God knows he doesn’t, but sometimes when everything boils up inside him, it’s like he can’t help lashing out. It’s either that or locking himself up in the bathroom with three pounds of pudding and razorblades and Jared’s made it clear that he’d rather have to deal with a few insults than have that ever happening again.
“All that anger… You hurt yourself much more than you hurt me, Jen. If you need to yell, just do it. I can take it, man, it’s okay,” Jared says, sliding down to sit beside Jensen on the floor and pulling his trembling body close. “It’s only words.”
“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”
“I know. I know you are. That’s why I don’t mind.”
“I don’t deserve you. Jared…”
“Jen, stop it. Don’t say that. I hate when you say that.”
“God, I’m so sorry.”
“Sshh, it’s okay. Just let it out.”
It’s embarrassing how many times Jared’s seen him cry. He never used to cry, not ever. And now it’s like he’s on an emotional rollercoaster ride, going from high to low in a matter of moments. He can’t really understand how Jared puts up with him.
Talking about which…
He checks his watch. It’s already fifteen minutes past and he can feel the old fear simmering in his gut. What if Jared doesn’t come? What if he’s finally given up? What if…?
He knows it’s pathetic but every time Jared’s a few minutes late he can’t help thinking that this is it, he’s had enough. Especially since Jared knows how much Jensen fucking hates it, stuck waiting here like a kid being picked up by his mom after school. (The irony of that particular metaphor is not lost on him.) He’s accused Jared more than once of doing it on purpose, which makes Jared look at him with those sad and hurt puppy eyes that kill Jensen every time.
“You really think I’d do that? Really, Jen?”
He deflates like a balloon, awkwardly studying the toes of his feet and mumbling, “No. It’s just…”
“I know. I get it. But Jen, you know me. I’m not the most organized person in the world but I’m not letting you down on purpose, you know that.”
And the fact that he does only makes Jensen feel worse. He knows but it still doesn’t mean he’s stopped waiting for Jared to figure out that it just isn’t worth it. That he’d rather have a normal relationship with someone who isn’t as screwed up. With someone sane and sweet and pretty and… a girl.
He’s used to happy Jared and goofy Jared and concerned Jared and now even horny Jared but angry and frustrated Jared is still such a new experience that he doesn’t really know how to handle him. Which means for most parts he doesn’t. He just shuts down and turns away, leaving Jared exasperated and hurt but so far never ever giving up.
“God, Jen. You got to get it into your thick head that just because we have an argument it doesn’t mean I’m gonna leave you!”
“I know. I just… Sometimes I don’t even know why you’re still here.”
“Because I love you, you goddamn moron. Because I fucking love you. Are you even listening to me?”
The familiar sound of Jared’s truck coming around the corner jerks him out of his musings and when it stops in front of him by the curb he’s almost managed to smooth the lines of worry away from his face. Almost but not quite.
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” Jared wheezes, like he’s been running and not driving the twenty mile distance. “Harley got sick in the kitchen just as I was leaving. I think it might have been the chips we left out last night, half of them were scattered across the whole goddamn floor with no sign of the rest.”
“It’s okay,” Jensen says and gives Jared a small smile as he gets in. It is, of course it is. Or it will be as soon as his heart slows down to normal.
Jared leans over to kiss him and Jensen melts into it, allowing himself to get lost in Jared for a moment before pushing him gently away. There may not appear to be any people around but you never know.
Jared sighs but doesn’t say anything, just puts the truck in gear and they drive across the parking lot and out into the empty street.
“You good?” he asks after a while and puts his hand on Jensen’s knee. Jensen lets it slide for now, seeing as there’s no traffic to speak of, but he can’t help tensing. It’s a credit to Jared’s patience that he doesn’t even comment on it but he doesn’t move his hand away either.
“Yeah,” Jensen answers with a shrug and turns to stare out the window. “Just tired.”
“Too tired for pancakes?”
“Never too tired for pancakes,” Jensen says and this time the smile is genuine. He even covers Jared’s hand on his knee with his own and keeps it there the rest of the way.
Jared never asks what it is exactly that Jensen talks about with Dr Stevens. He’d been a bit shaken the first time she’d called to ask him to pick up an almost comatose Jensen, but he’d done it without question. Jensen hadn’t told him until two days later that the reason he’d been so wrung out was because he’d had a panic attack and passed out on the floor of her office. Ever since then Jared insists on driving him to every session and picking him up after. It’s a bit annoying, this overprotective side of Jared, but Jensen can’t deny it’s also rather nice, having someone care so much about him.
It’s been four months, one week and three days since Jared kissed him for the first time. Since his whole life changed. So many things are different now and the ones that aren’t, he’s trying really hard at improving. Thing is, he never really realized how many demons were possessing him until he decided to face them. How gloriously screwed-up he’d become.
Having Jared by his side means more than he ever could have imagined. Truth is he never even would have begun to fight back, let alone persevered, if it hadn’t been for Jared. He’s always there, always ready to catch him when he falls, to hold him when he needs it and kick his ass if that’s what it takes.
But it makes some things more difficult too.
Because it’s true what Jared said, there’s one thing he can’t change.
He can fight the disorder, it’s hard, oh God so hard, but not impossible. He can look himself in the mirror and find things he actually likes about himself, especially the ones Jared repeatedly points out to him. He can keep to even jogging instead of the manic sprinting, just as long as he has Jared running beside him, slowing him purposefully down and making sure they don’t overdo it. He can remind himself of all he’s accomplished and seriously consider that maybe the reviews give him praise because people actually think he deserves it.
He can do all that but, however much he wishes, he can’t make himself not gay.
And being with Jared is a reminder of that in all ways possible.
Sometimes he resents Jared for doing this to him. He was doing fine, living in hiding. Really, he was.
Okay, so he wasn’t, not at all, but sometimes that’s what it feels like, that it’s all because of Jared that he’s moved on from simply being sexually challenged to being… gay. So very, very gay.
He’s still having trouble facing that, and however much he tries it’s hard to not let it affect their… relationship. To be honest it’s rather annoying how easily Jared’s taken to this whole new gay thing. Kissing and making out and randomly dropping to his knees, offering blowjobs. Hell, even going all the way, he’s up for anything. Jensen on the other hand sometimes isn’t ‘up’ at all.
It’s been two months, four days since they tried to have sex for the first time and had to stop because Jensen couldn’t breathe. One month, three weeks since they tried again. And failed. Again. Six weeks since Jared suggested kindly that maybe they should just stick to making out for now.
“Sorry. God, I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay. Don’t worry about it.”
The first time they actually succeed still isn’t what Jensen would call a success. He goes limp half-way through and then Jared has a laughing fit which really doesn’t help at all. Jensen sees red. He hits Jared hard in the chest and storms off into the bathroom, turning on the shower with tears stinging his eyes. But he’s hardly gotten his hair wet when Jared’s there, sliding into the shower behind him, kissing his neck and rubbing his big hands down Jensen’s hips and over his stomach.
“I’m sorry, man.”
“It’s okay,” Jensen mumbles, feeling ridiculously hurt.
“I wasn’t laughing at you. I was just… I was laughing at us, Jen. I mean really, we’re two big strong healthy Texans and we’re fumbling around like high school teenagers.”
“I’m trying,” he says quietly.
“I know. I know you are. I am too.” Jared pauses. “But maybe we should stop trying and just… do it.”
Jensen frowns. “I don’t get it. What do you mean?”
“Like this.” Jared’s hands move down, long fingers circling Jensen’s cock and stroking him. “Just close your eyes and follow me. Let me take care of you.”
“You’re always taking care of me,” Jensen mutters but he does as he’s told anyway. It’s hard to argue when Jared’s doing… that! Oh God. He groans, his head falling back to rest on Jared’s shoulder.
“That’s it. Damn, you feel so good, Jen. So fucking hot.” Jared drops wet kisses on Jensen’s jaw, his cock slippery against Jensen’s ass as he slowly strokes him back to hardness. “I love touching you. Love the way you feel under my hands.”
“Love your… your hands,” Jensen shudders. “Please… Jare…”
“I want you to fuck me, Jen,” Jared growls and bites his earlobe. “I really, really want you to fuck me. Think you can do that? Think you can do that for me?”
Jensen sucks in his breath. Suddenly he’s hard as a rock. “Yeah. Fuck yeah, Jared.” He turns in Jared’s arms, and they kiss, water running into their eyes and mouth. “Want you. Want you so bad,” he groans, water gurgling in his throat
“Do it. Right here, Jen.”
If there is anything more mind-blowing than a water-slick Jared turning around and bracing himself against cold tiles, legs spread, Jensen really can’t think of it.
“We don’t… There’s no…” he says shakely, envisioning the bottle of lube and string of condoms left on the bed.
“Use the shower gel…” Jared says and shakes wet hair out of his eyes.
“But…”
Jared glares at him over his shoulder. “Dude, I’m clean. We both are, you know that. Just c’mon and fuck me, man.”
“Okay, okay.” Christ.
He fumbles with the bottle and allows himself a moment to wonder if it’s really a good idea using exfoliating strawberry gel as lube, before his fingers are coated and pushing inside. Jared’s still loose from before - at least they got that far - and he pushes back, urging Jensen on as he fucks himself on his fingers.
“Just do it. C’mon, Jen. Fuck me, man. Get your cock in there.”
It should sound ridiculous, gentle Jared spouting off dirty words like a hooker, but for some reason it gets Jensen more turned on than ever. He pulls out his fingers, and grabs Jared by the hips, sliding his thumbs in between the cheeks and pulling them apart.
“God, you’re so… So hot, Jare. I want… I want…”
“Yeah, Jen. Please. God, yeah. Want you to. Please.”
And with that he’s pushing inside. It’s hot and slick and so tight he can’t breathe. “Oh God! Oh Jesus Christ, Jare.”
Jared grunts, his hands slipping on the wet tiles. “Fuck.”
“I’m gonna… I need…” Jensen stutters and slowly pulls out before pushing back inside. Oh holy Moses!
“Nngh,” comes from the mop of wet hair covering Jared’s face. “Fuck, Jen.”
“Good? Is it…”
“Yeah. More.”
“Okay. Okay.”
He doesn’t last long, the heat and the tightness and the sheer newness of the whole thing pushing him over the edge way too soon. He fumbles for Jared’s cock, stroking him frantically in rhythm with his shallow thrusts and Jared’s panting. They don’t quite make it. Jensen shudders as he comes, accidentally grabbing Jared’s balls and then slips on the tiles when Jared doubles over with a yelp and comes as well, more from the shock than anything else.
“That was…” Jensen tries once he’s got his breath back, palm flat against the wall.
“…absolutely perfect,” Jared grits out, massaging his testicles, and this time it’s Jensen who completely loses it and slides down to the bottom of the shower, giggling like a lunatic.
“We’re… we’re never gonna have normal sex, are we?” he gasps and Jared grins and sit down beside him, resting his cheek on top of Jensen’s wet hair.
“Sure we are. We only need about ten more takes and we might even manage to wrap it up without anyone being emasculated.”
“Oh God,” Jensen groans and covers his face with his hands. “I’m so sorry about your balls, man.”
“Don’t worry about it.” Jared nudges him playfully. “I’m sure they’ll return to their natural color soon enough.”
“We suck at sex, dude. Like… we’re really, really bad.”
“Well, you know,” Jared muses and turns his head to kiss his temple. “Sex is like pizza, even when it’s bad it’s still good.”
Jensen laughs.
The next time they try, they nail it.
It’s been two months since Jared cracked and told his parents who instantly flew up to Vancouver, not to kill Jensen with a shotgun, as he had feared, but to get to know Jared’s “handsome boyfriend”.
Sharon Padalecki takes one look at the obviously distraught Jensen and pulls him into her arms, hugging him the way he hasn’t been by his own mother since he was a child. Jared ushers his dad and little sister out of the room, throwing a glance and a reassuring smile over his shoulder to Jensen who lets out a deep breath and allows himself to hug her back. When they at last pull apart it’s hard to see who is more affected. Sharon pulls a small pack of paper tissue out of her bag, offering him one with a kind smile. Jensen nods gratefully and even if he suspects Jared of spilling more of his secrets to his mother than he should have, at the moment he can’t bring himself to be mad about that.
It’s one of the strangest weekends he’s had and when they leave Jared’s dad thumps Jensen on the back and his mom kisses both of his cheeks while Jared and his sister stand rolling their eyes and grinning. The Padalecki’s invite Jensen to stay at their house when Jared comes down for summer hiatus and he says he’ll think about it. It feels weird going there without visiting his parents and he’s not sure he’s ready for that.
It’s been one month and three weeks since they were accidentally outed on set.
Apparently Jared getting a heavy blow to his head, and with the blood and the panic and everyone believing he was dead and then finding out he isn’t… Well, it makes Jensen freak out and forget there are approximately fifty people watching, and therefore kiss Jared within an inch of his life right in front of everyone. And then have a panic attack and end up being the one taken to the hospital while the paramedics stitch together Jared’s head in the ambulance on the way over there.
Within the hour Kripke calls a meeting and makes every member of his staff sign a document that threatens lawsuit if they so much as breathe a word about what happened. Most of them are insulted he’d think for even a moment that they would.
Then he goes to have a word with his actors, a bag of grapes in hand. That’s one awkward conversation Jensen never wants to have again but in conclusion: “Just keep Sam from groping Dean on camera and we’re fine.”
When they get back on set the next day Jensen walks with his head down, unable to look anyone in the eye. He’s not sure which is worse, that they know about him being gay, that they know that he’s sleeping with Jared or that they know he’s apparently a wuss who has a meltdown at the drop of a hat.
Then he enters the make-up trailer and is met with a batch of pink frosted cupcakes, with pink candles stuck into them and a huge pink banner draped across the mirrors that says “Welcome home out!” with the correction made in purple lipstick.
He stands frozen, staring at the display in horror until something suddenly switches inside him. He covers his face with his hands, groaning, “Oh God! I hate you all!” and his shoulders shake with hysterical laughter.
“What?” he hears from behind him and then, “Sweet! Oh man, I love cupcakes! You girls are the best ever!”
When he dares to look up, face as red as a tomato, Jared’s blown out the candles and is stuffing a whole cupcake into his mouth, face split into a grin.
“Orgasmic,” he moans after swallowing and picks up another one, shoving it into Jensen’s mouth. “Don’t worry,” he whispers as he slings an arm around Jensen’s neck. “Just chew slowly and smile.”
Jensen does. They taste like strawberry frosting, sweet and yummy. He eats a second one but declines a third and Jared flashes him a proud smile.
“I told you it would all work out fine,” he says as they walk off to wardrobe. “You did good, by the way.”
Jensen nods. His stomach rumbles but he tells it to shut up.
They get to the wardrobe truck and instead of Sam and Dean’s regular get up, there are two dresses laid out and a couple of bras, and Kelly and Philip - who’s as gay as it gets - are muffling giggles behind their hands.
Jensen groans as Jared bursts out laughing. This is going to be a long day.
It’s been three weeks, three days since Jared moved in. The whole conversation went a little like this:
“Bring me beer, bitch! Cater to your guest.”
“Guest? Dude, you’re here more than at your place. You might as well live here.”
“Yeah, okay. Bring me beer, ‘please’?”
“That’s more like it.”
The next day Jared shows up with a couple of boxes holding his stuff, and three more filled with the dogs’ food and toys and blankets. Jensen blinks and doesn’t really have a heart to tell Jared he wasn’t being serious.
They buy a bigger couch and new sheets for the bed. Chris sends them a potted plant. Jensen suspects it’s weed. Chad sends them a subscription to Playboy. Jensen thinks Chad’s really missing the point.
It’s not really such a big change, they’ve been breathing in each other’s air practically 24/7 ever since they started this, but it still feels weird getting mail with Jared’s name over his address. And the dogs take up way more room than he’d ever noticed before. Jared’s talking about buying a house if they get a second season and it’s more than implied that it’s a house for them just as much as the dogs.
Jensen thinks he should probably have a small freak-out about that. Later. Right now he’s busy teaching Jared how to play More Than Words on his guitar.
It’s been two weeks, four days since Jensen called his mom and told her about him and Jared. She cried on the phone for half an hour and then abruptly hung up. She hasn’t called back. He should probably be more upset about that. Instead he calls Jared’s mom and gets her recipe for chicken soup and then feeds it to Jared where he’s huddled in bed, claiming he’s dying from the flu.
“You’re not dying, you just have a cold. Stop being such a wimp.”
“I hate you.”
“I know you do.”
They grin and Jensen puts the soup aside. Two days later he’s curled up in bed, cursing Jared’s germs while Jared’s bouncing around as healthy as ever.
Bastard.
Throwing up again, even if this time it’s not voluntarily, sets him back like a blow to the head. For days after he’s afraid to even look at food but Jared sits him down and makes sure he eats by the schedule, even making up silly excuses to get Kim to give them a break if they need to, like faking leg cramps and urgent bladder problems.
He clutches Jensen’s hand as he swallows one bite after another and then keeps him distracted until he stops feeling nauseous. If anyone thinks they’re behaving oddly they don’t mention it.
It’s been five days since…
“Hey, you okay?”
Jensen looks up from his musings to find Jared watching him, brow creased in worry.
“Getting there,” he says after a brief hesitation and offers Jared a smile. “Slowly.”
Jared smiles back and squeezes his knee. “We’ve got plenty of time,” he replies and squints against the sun. “We’ll take it day by day.”
Jensen looks at him. He weaves his fingers in with Jared’s then lifts their joint hands and kisses Jared’s knuckles.
“Yeah, okay,” he says. “That sounds good.”
It’s been five days since he woke up with Jared snoring into his ear and he realized that right there, in that moment, he’s happy.
Fin
Author’s notes | Soundtrack