Fic: In a Mirror Distorted and Indistinct. RPS. Jensen/Jared. NC-17 4/4

[felisblanco]

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Prologue | Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Epilogue | Author’s notes | Soundtrack

Part 4

“You’ve got to stop doing that.”

Jensen coughs and then he’s squinting against the bright light in the room. Something huge and shaggy suddenly eclipses it and then his glasses are being put on his nose, the earpieces getting caught in the cartilage of his ears before finally sliding into place. He blinks a few times but it doesn’t change anything. Jared is still gazing down at him, lips smiling and eyes soft with worry.

“You’re still here,” he finally says, not really believing it, and Jared frowns.

“Well, yeah. I said I would be. You really thought I’d leave?” He looks hurt.

“I woke up and…” Jensen stops when it suddenly hits him how stupid he sounds. What did he expect? That Jared would sit on the bed next to him for however many hours it would take, listening to him snoring? “Sorry.”

“Stop saying that,” Jared sighs. “I’m sorry I wasn’t here when you woke up but a man’s gotta pee sometimes, you know. And… stuff. Five minutes I’m gone and that’s when you decide to wake up? Your timing sucks, dude.”

Jensen laughs shakily. “You’ve been in here the whole time? How long was I sleeping?”

Jared shrugs. “Twelve hours, give or take.” At the look on Jensen’s face he hurries to add, “And I wasn’t like creepy and watching you sleep or anything. Well, maybe just a little while but then I kinda fell asleep myself. Until, like, maybe ten minutes ago.” He smiles sheepishly. “Your bed is really comfortable, man. Much better than mine.”

Jensen can’t help feeling stupidly happy. Jared slept right next to him, in his bed, the whole time? So okay, he missed it because he was asleep himself but that still doesn’t change the fact that Jared slept in his bed. He kinda wants to roll over and smell the pillow, to see of it smells like Jared now because that would be awesome. Everything should smell like Jared, really. It’s the best smell in the world.

Also, he might be feeling slightly lightheaded from not really eating anything substantial for the last, oh, two days? Give or take.

“You alright?”

He looks up to find Jared watching him warily. “What?”

“You’re not weirded out, are you?” Jared asks awkwardly. “I mean, I didn’t plan it or anything, snuggling up to you like that, I’m just like that. Big snuggler. Very annoying because my arms are like really heavy. I smother people in their sleep. And I sweat like a pig. Except they don’t really sweat, do they? Horse maybe? Anyway, that’s me, sweating, a lot. Well, you already know that. But when I’m sleeping, my bodyheat kinda goes up to like two hundred or something. So if you were wondering why you smell like Axe, that would be why. Just me, sweating all over you. Which is probably really gross. You wanna take a shower?”

Jensen is still stuck on Jared snuggling and sweating all over him and kinda misses the question until he realizes the flood of talking has stopped and Jared is watching him expectantly. “Huh? What?”

“Shower? You want to shower? Get the Padalecki smell off you?”

He wants to say ‘I rather like the Padalecki smell on me’ but stops himself at the last minute. For some reason Jared hasn’t run out on him yet but he’s not gonna push his luck. “Yeah. Sure. That would be good.”

“You think you can manage?” Jared asks hesitantly as Jensen sits up and while he usually would have resented the implication that he’s too weak to take care of himself the fact is that he’s faint… passed out twice already so Jared kinda has a point. Also, his devious mind suddenly realizes, Jared helping means Jared touching him. And he wouldn’t mind a little Jared touching right about now. Besides he’s kinda owed it, he thinks, for missing out on all the snuggling earlier, being unconscious and all.

“I’m good,” he says innocently and then stumbles slightly. And right on cue there they are, Jared’s huge hands, catching him and holding him steady. “Or maybe not,” he adds with a fake sigh and grimaces.

“No problem,” Jared reassures him, all sympathetic and understanding, and Jensen would feel guilty except when they get moving he starts feeling dizzy for real and has to fumble for Jared’s waist to keep from toppling over.

“Sorry,” he mumbles and then apologizes again for apologizing when Jared sighs.

“Dude, it’s okay. Just… let me take care of you for once, alright?”

Jensen isn’t really sure what that means because it seems like Jared is always taking care of him and he’s done diddlysquat to return the favor. Except pass out, freak out, and generally make a gigantic fool of himself. But he nods and allows Jared to support him into the bathroom. There they have an awkward moment of Jensen waiting for Jared to leave and Jared being reluctant to let him go, until finally Jensen takes a deep breath and pushes Jared gently away.

“I’m alright, really,” he says when Jared shifts miserably on his feet, eyeing the shower as if Jensen might possibly drown in there. “I feel a lot better now.”

“You sure?”

Jensen sighs. “Dude, I might be gay but I’m not getting into the shower with you just so you can drop the soap.”

Jared opens his mouth, eyes wide, and then a huge grin splits his face and he’s laughing, head thrown back and shoulders shaking.

“I can’t believe you just said that,” he gasps between guffaws and Jensen feels himself grinning stupidly.

He can’t really believe it either. It just slipped out, accidentally. It’s the first time he’s referred to himself as gay without hearing the word the way his dad would say it, all contemptuous and dismayed. It feels strange, almost good, and just that is so wrong he doesn’t know what to think.

“Go on, get out,” he says instead and pushes Jared out of the bathroom. “If it makes you feel better you can wait outside the door. I won’t even lock it.”

“Okay, okay,” Jared relents reluctantly. “But the moment you start feeling dizzy…”

“I’ll let you know,” Jensen finishes and closes the door before the puppy dog eyes manage to change his mind, inwardly groaning. He just turned down sharing a shower with a naked Jared Padalecki. He must be insane.

When he emerges from the bathroom fifteen minutes later with a towel wrapped around his waist and his chin free of stubble for the first time in what seems like forever, he almost trips over Jared who’s sitting on the floor right outside the door, long legs stretched out.

“Oh hey,” Jared says and smiles up at him. “Feel better?”

“Dude, you didn’t really have to. I didn’t mean…” Jensen says, awkward and embarrassed, as Jared gets to his feet, grimacing slightly when his spine pops. It feels weird, having someone watching over him like that, and he doesn’t really know how to react.

“I have chairs, you know,” he finally says and shakes his head like Jared’s the weird one.

“Chairs are for pussies,” Jared says with his best Dean Winchester impression and then cracks up, laughing at his own joke and Jensen can’t help grinning back.

“Yeah, yeah,” he snorts and accepts Jared’s arm to help him back to the bedroom to get dressed. Not that he really needs it but as long as Jared’s offering…

Once there he sits on the bed and allows Jared to rummage through his drawers while talking a million miles per minute about Dean and Sam’s confrontation in the episode they just finished shooting. Finally Jared pulls out underwear - the “Don’t Eat Me!!” turkey boxers he gave Jensen for Thanksgiving - a grey Nike t-shirt and plaid pj pants that are old and worn and soft as calfskin.

Obviously Jared is planning a sick day at home and Jensen is too worn out to argue. Not like he was planning on going anywhere anyway.

There’s a moment of awkwardness until Jared mutters, “Uh… I’ll just go get… the paper,” and leaves the room to allow Jensen to get dressed in private. He’s just pulled up the pants when Jared comes back, sans paper since Jensen doesn’t even subscribe to one, eyes averted and face flushed.

“Socks. You need socks,” he says, unnaturally cheerful, and pulls out one drawer after another, finally coming up with a pair of thick thermal socks that he throws in Jensen’s lap.

“Dude…” Jensen starts but Jared just gives him a look and he pulls the socks on with a sigh. When he stands up, now dressed like a five year old with the flu, Jared’s ready with the hoodie, draping it over his shoulders and looking like he wants nothing more than to shove Jensen back into bed and tuck him up under the covers.

“I’m not really sick, you know,” Jensen tries but Jared huffs and puffs like Jensen’s at death’s door and really, it’s just easier to let him have his way.

He shuffles into the living room with Jared at his heels, allowing him to push him down on the couch but putting his foot down when Jared tries to wrap the blanket around him. “Jay, I’m warm. Seriously, I’m good. Sit down and stop fussing.”

“I will, I will. I just… Coffee?”

“Okay. Yeah, that would be good.”

He watches Jared disappear into the kitchen before leaning back, closing his eyes. It’s not like he doesn’t know what Jared’s doing, it’s rather transparent. Trying to make Jensen feel as comfortable as he can before the third round of their ‘talk’ begins, hence lessening the chances of him going all hysterical again. But the thing is, he feels rather good. That Jared cared enough to stay is more than he ever hoped for so whatever else happens at least he’ll have that.

He can’t help wondering what will happen though. Not just with them but with the show as well. Wonders if Jared will be okay with finishing the season. They’re bound by contract so it’s not really as if they have much choice, but such a big part of the show’s success is the chemistry between him and Jared, and what if they can’t maintain that anymore? What if every time Sam now has to look at his brother, Jared will be thinking, ‘How did I not notice before how gay he is?’ or ‘Is he imagining me naked, right now?’ and…

Damn, it will never work.

“Here you go.”

Jensen opens his eyes to find Jared looking at him worriedly, two steaming mugs in his hands, one of which he’s holding out for Jensen to take. Jensen hoists himself up on the couch until he’s curled up in one corner, and accepts the mug from Jared’s hand. He expects Jared to sit down on the sofa table like this morning but instead he settles down on the other end of the couch and pulls Jensen’s feet into his lap. It’s like the past day never happened and it’s just the two of them again, chilling out on a Friday evening. Jensen sips his coffee and stares down into the mug, watching the steam swirl and scatter in sync with his breath.

“I lied,” Jared suddenly says and Jensen can’t help it. He tenses up and starts pulling his feet away but Jared lays a heavy palm on his ankle and shakes his head.

“No, wait. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant...” He grimaces and ducks his head, looking embarrassed. “When you fell asleep this morning? I didn’t just do the same. Well, I tried but I couldn’t stop thinking about what you told me and I was trying to make sense of it, you know? So I fetched your laptop and did some googling and…”

Jensen warily watches Jared bite his lip and furrow his brow, looking to all the world like Sam when he’s trying to gather his thoughts, trying to put forward his theories in a way that will make Dean see reason. It’s strangely comforting that Jensen knows them both so well by now, Jared and Sam, that even when they merge together like this, he knows which traits belongs to whom, knows where one begins and the other ends.

Because Jared isn’t Sam. Jared doesn’t hide or lie or keep anything back. Jared doesn’t resent, he isn’t cruel the way Sam can be. And above all, he’s honest. What you see is what you get, and boy, do you get a lot. It’s one of the many things that made Jensen fall so heavily for Jared in the first place, his open honesty, the way he offers everything he’s got with a smile, and asks for nothing in return. It’s everything Jensen’s never been and everything he wishes he could be.

“Okay, so here’s the thing,” Jared says finally and fixes his gaze on Jensen. “You had this horribly traumatic experience that hurt you, like really bad, physically and emotionally. And I get this feeling you weren’t exactly the most outgoing person before.” He raises his eyebrows in question.

Jensen shrugs, not really knowing how to explain the loneliness of a shy, freckled boy with glasses to someone like Jared, who probably was the happiest, most popular kid in school.

“And you were fourteen, Jen, which is like the worst age ever,” Jared continues. “Everyone feels ugly and lonely and misunderstood when they’re fourteen. You should have seen my pimples, dude. And I was already then way taller than everyone else so I got my share of teasing, but Jesus fuck, it was nothing, nothing like what you had to go through.”

He stops, clenching his jaw and swallowing in obvious anger. He looks even larger than usual in his fury, even when he’s just sitting there on the couch, rubbing Jensen’s toes. Jensen can just imagine what it’d be like, meeting him in a dark alley. Strangely enough it doesn’t make him want to back away, quite the opposite.

“God, Jen, those assholes, those fucking cowards… I wish…” Jared shakes his head, lips pursed tight. “You give me their names, Jen, and I swear I’ll beat the living shit out of them.”

“I thought you didn’t go around punching people,” Jensen says and tries to smile but it’s forced and fades away as soon as it appears.

“Not unless they really, really deserve it. And they do. Believe me, Jen, they do.”

Jared still looks angry but slightly calmer and as he sips his coffee, his hand is steady.

“So the accident and the weight gain and the bullying…” he continues, looking at Jensen over the rim of his mug. “At that age especially? Dude, no wonder you went a little off track.”

Jensen snorts. Trust Jared to make the understatement of the year.

Jared smiles sheepishly. “Well, or something.” He gets serious again, gazing intently at Jensen. “What I mean is, with all that, it just became too much and you made a wrong choice when trying to fix it. And now you’re trapped, caged in by the consequences of that choice.”

Jensen drops his gaze. “I told you I’m a screw-up.”

Jared sighs. “Dude, you’re not a screw-up. You were a kid. A desperate lonely kid who saw no other way out.” He hitches his breath and when Jensen glances up he catches Jared swallowing hard as he blinks away tears from his eyes. “To be honest, Jen, I’m just glad you’re still here. You might have gone the other way and just given up on finding any solution at all. Cut a little too deep one day and…”

He puts away his mug on the sofa table and this time his hand does shake. Jensen does the same. The coffee’s getting cold and he’s hardly even tasted it. He tugs his hands into his armpits instead, more to keep Jared from seeing how much he’s trembling than anything else. When he looks up Jared is watching him again, brow slightly furrowed, and Jensen averts his eyes, gnawing his lower lip nervously.

“Jen,” Jared finally says and Jensen tenses. “I want you to really listen to me. Okay?”

“I am, I am listening,” he answers, still not looking up.

“That’s just it, Jen, you’re not. You don’t. You hear the words but you never believe them. But this time I want you to believe that what I’m about to say is the absolute truth.”

He wants to roll his eyes, turn it into a joke, but Jared’s never sounded so serious and in the end all he can do is lift his head and nod. “Okay. I’ll try,” he says and gives Jared a quick smile that he hopes look convincing.

Jared doesn’t look completely satisfied but after a while he sighs and shifts on the couch, moving closer to the middle until he’s got Jensen’s knees crossing his lap, one arm resting along the back of the couch as he leans in, face intent and serious.

“Of all the things you’ve told me,” he says, looking Jensen straight in the eye. “All the things that make you feel… wrong? And bad and ashamed and unworthy? Only one of them is something you actually are, man. You’re not fat or ugly or a fuckup, Jen, but you are gay. That is true.”

He says it just like that. ‘Gay’. Like he’s talking about the weather or something and Jensen can’t help it, he flinches and looks away, cheeks burning.

Jared immediately leans closer, hand gripping Jensen’s shoulder. “No. No, listen. You promised me you would listen.”

Not about this. He can’t. “Jare, don’t…”

“Listen!”

Jared sounds so angry that even if Jensen wants to continue arguing, he instantly deflates and sinks further down on the couch, defeated. Maybe it’s just as well to get it over with. He can still see the horror in Jared’s eyes when he realized what Jensen was talking about, can still fell the coldness Jared’s fingers left when he abruptly let go, as if just touching someone like him was making him feel sick. So he knows, God he knows, what Jared’s going to say but to actually hear him say it out loud… Jensen’s not sure he can handle that.

“I’m sorry.” Jared lifts his hand and Jensen only just manages to not flinch, but he must have given something away because Jared sighs and then gently runs his thumb down Jensen’s cheek. It makes his skin tingle.

“Please don’t look at me like that, Jen. I shouldn’t have yelled, man, I’m sorry. But you have to listen to me.”

“I will,” he says, his voice sounding flat even in his own ears. “I am. Just… say it.”

Jared sighs. “Okay, this, right there? That’s why you have to listen. Because I can see what you’re thinking, Jen, and you’re so wrong.” His hand tightens into a fist, knuckles brushing Jensen’s shoulder. “And it makes me so angry, so goddamn fucking furious, to see what they’ve done to you.”

Jensen frowns. He must have missed something because Jared’s suddenly ceased to make any sense. “What do you mean?”

“What I mean is, that the way you feel about that? About being gay? That shame is not yours. It’s not yours, man. That shame belongs to everyone that ever made you feel that you should be ashamed. And that… That is the absolute truth.”

Jensen blinks. Whatever he was expecting it wasn’t that. And the thing is he can see that Jared absolutely and completely believes it. He’s leaning back, watching Jensen calmly, as if he expects him to suddenly light up and exclaim, ‘You’re right! Of course you’re right! You have opened my eyes and look! I’m happy now!’ And the bitch of it is that he wants to. He really wishes he could say that because that’s what Jared wants and the thought of disappointing him is unbearable.

“That’s really how you feel?” he settles on at last, hating the way his voice trembles.

“Of course it is!” Jared stares at him, as if he’s the insane one, and then his eyes suddenly widen. “Dude, you really thought I had a problem with you being gay?”

“I don’t know.” Damn, he’s blushing again. “You seemed kinda shocked. When I told you, I mean.”

Jared frowns but then a light seems to go on in his brain and he shakes his head forcibly in denial. “No. Shit, no. That’s what you thought? Oh man. I’m so sorry. I didn’t realize… Fuck.”

He rubs a palm over his face and sighs. “I wasn’t shocked about you being gay, man. I kinda figured you might be. I just… I was really shocked to find out how you felt about it. I mean…” He shakes his head in disbelief. “You were disgusted, Jen. With yourself. As if being gay was the most horrible thing in the world. I just…. That really threw me. I had no idea you felt that way.”

“Oh.” He feels really stupid. “Sorry.”

“Man,” Jared’s watching him, looking all hurt and confused and Jensen kinda wants to kick himself although he’s not sure why. “I can’t believe you thought… Have I ever given you any reason to think that? I mean… I haven’t, have I?” he asks, unsure and biting his lip.

“No, Jare.” Jensen swallows. “Never.”

He wants to tell Jared that even if he had, it would only have been right, but he really doesn’t want to get Jared angry again.

Jared’s silent for a moment. “Can you tell me something?” he finally says. “When you were… When that whole thing started…” he hesitates. “Did you know then… that you were gay?”

“Not really,” Jensen says nervously, after a long pause. “I… It’s stupid.” He laughs shakily. “I think I had a crush on my physical therapist.”

He waits for Jared to laugh but he doesn’t, he just keeps watching him with this sympathetic look on his face that makes Jensen cringe.

“I mean… I didn’t realize it then. And when I caught him with another of his patients - a girl of course - I thought I was angry that he only pretended to be my friend, but I was probably, you know, jealous.” His face is burning, and he can’t look up. “I told you, it’s stupid.”

“No, it isn’t,” Jared says quietly. “It’s not stupid at all.”

“But even if I hadn’t figured that out yet I just felt all… wrong.”

He can still feel it, as clear as if it was yesterday. The weight of his mother’s concerned look, the sting of his father’s disapproval. The stares and the snickers at school. The itch under his own skin that told him he was a freak, a loser, a waste of ever expanding space. He can still remember how heavy his body was, how hard it sometimes was to breathe. The too fast beating of his heart.

“Everything was wrong. I was so… so alone.” His voice shakes and he grimaces as tears of anger sting his eyes. “No one noticed. No one! And I… I would look at myself in the mirror and…” He sneers at the memory. “I wanted to spit in my own face.”

“Jen…”

Jared squeezes Jensen’s shoulder but he shrugs the hand off, wiping angrily at the tears in his eyes. “Don’t. Don’t.”

“Okay. Alright.”

Jared lets go off him and leans back, his arm settling along the back of the couch again. Jensen can feel him watching him but he keeps his eyes averted, ashamed and angry at himself for showing his weakness so blatantly. His nose itches and he rubs at it in irritation, horrified when his fingers come away wet. Damn it!

“Jen, listen to me,” Jared finally says as Jensen’s trying to discreetly wipe his face with the cuff of Jared’s hoodie. “I don’t really know what I’m talking about but… from what I’ve read, what you’re feeling… It’s not you, okay? I mean, yes, it’s you, but how you see yourself, it’s not real.”

Jensen blinks slowly, feeling confused. “What?”

Jared sighs and tries again. “When that happened, when you had that accident and all the other shit followed, it just… it took over your life. To the point that now it controls everything you do and feel and how you see yourself. Like a glamour, you know, only it paints everything black and horrible. So that’s what we’ve got to do. We have to find a way for you to fight it. To break its spell.”

“Jared, this isn’t one of Kripke’s scripts,” Jensen says wearily. “There’s no ‘it’. It’s just me. It’s just who I am.”

“No, see, that’s where you’re wrong,” Jared insists and shakes his head. “There’s you and then there’s the Jensen this thing makes you think you are. And man, that Jensen is nothing like the one I know.”

Jensen sighs. “Dude, I think I know myself. I’ve known me my whole life, whereas you’ve known me less than a year.”

“Yeah? Well, let me tell you, Jen, you’re a lousy judge of character then. Because the Jensen I know? He’s like the awesomest guy ever.” Jared smiles, his voice taking on an almost reverent tone. “He’s smart and funny and brave and talented and Jesus, Jen, so beautiful he takes my breath away.”

Jensen opens his mouth to say… something, he doesn’t really know what because before he gets a chance to decide, Jared’s left hand moves from the back of the couch and curls around his neck, pulling him closer. Then Jared is breathing warm air on his face and just like that all intelligent thoughts disappear from Jensen’s brain. All he can do is just blink slowly and dazedly wonder what the hell is going on.

“See those?” Jared asks softly and the fingers on his right hand dance lightly across Jensen’s cheek. “Those freckles you hate so much? They’re one of my favourite things about you. I sometimes find myself gazing at them, trying to count how many there are.”

“Jared, what are you…?” That’s as far as he gets and then he’s pulled even closer, until their foreheads are pressed together, Jared’s bangs tickling his temples.

“And the glasses?” Jared continues and nudges them gently with his nose. “So damn sexy, I can’t believe you’ve never shown me them before.”

Jensen hitches his breath and Jared chuckles softly before plucking the glasses from his nose and putting them aside on the table.

“Why… why are you…?”

“And your eyes?” Jared goes on, unfazed. “Blind as a bat or not, I don’t care, Jen, they’re still the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

They’re so close now that Jensen feels his eyelashes catch on Jared’s when he blinks. Fairy kisses his mother used to call them.

“Those eyes, Jen. You look at me and it makes me feel like in that moment, it’s just you and me, man. And I know, I just know, that meeting you is the best thing that ever happened to me.”

Jensen tries to speak but the words get caught in his throat. Something like a whimper escapes instead and Jared hitches his breath, the warm air brushing Jensen’s lips.

“And your mouth,” he chokes out. “God, your mouth. Your mouth, Jen.”

“Please…”

Jensen’s shaking and he has no idea what he’s asking for. He closes his eyes and all he can feel is Jared. The heat of his skin, the smell of coffee on his breath, the sheer strength he radiates. The hand that’s been resting on his neck, keeping him in place, moves forward to his face, strong fingers holding him gently.

“’Cause you see, Jen? The whole gay thing and being in love with me?” Jared whispers. “I really, really don’t have a problem with that.”

It’s light at first, no more than a brush of lips against lips, as if Jared’s giving him the opportunity to back away if he wants to. When Jensen doesn’t, more out of mere shock than anything else, Jared softens his lips and kisses him gently, fingers sliding through Jensen’s hair to cradle the back of his head. Dazedly Jensen parts his lips and a puff of air slips into his mouth as Jared moans in appreciation. Jensen hitches his breath in surprise, almost choking on the taste of Jared tingling the back of his tongue. Are they…? Oh God, they are. They are!

He can hardly believe it’s real but keeps waiting for something to tell him he’s dreaming. Something to be off, something to shatter the illusion. It doesn’t happen. There’s just Jared and him and the warm bitter taste of coffee as Jared licks experimentally into his mouth, once, twice, before pulling slowly away, eyes fixated on his, big and soft and questioning. Jensen blinks dazedly before managing a small nod and Jared’s face breaks into a smile.

Of course that’s when Jensen’s brain kicks in and he opens his big stupid mouth and blurts out, “What… what are we doing?”

“I think we’re kissing,” Jared whispers around a grin and kisses his neck with wet, spit-slick lips.

Jesus! Jensen shivers. “Alright, yeah. But… why?”

“Because… because we should. Because I should have done this a long time ago.” Jared pulls back and fixes his steady gaze on Jensen’s confused one. “Because you’re not the only one.”

Oh. “But you…” He swallows. “Sandy, she’s…”

“No. There’s just you,” Jared says firmly and this time when he kisses Jensen, Jensen finds himself kissing back without even thinking.

It’s like every fantasy he’s never allowed himself to have. Like everything that was missing before this. It’s deep and soft and gentle and at the same time strong and rough and all consuming. But above everything else, it’s Jared. Oh God, it’s Jared. He’s kissing Jared.

“I’m kissing you,” he says stupidly the next time they break apart, both panting, and Jared chuckles.

“I noticed,” he replies with a grin and rubs his thumb over Jensen’s swollen lips. It makes them tingle sharply and Jensen has to bite his tongue to keep from licking them.

“No, I-I mean…” he stammers. “I’m kissing you.”

“Look at that. All this and brains too,” Jared says affectionately and kisses him again, hands moving to hold Jensen’s whole head between huge palms, strong and warm and secure.

It takes longer this time but then Jared slowly pulls back, one hand returning to cradle the back of Jensen’s head. He watches Jensen intently as if waiting for any signs of him freaking out. Jensen’s kinda waiting for that himself and he’s going to, he’s sure, once he gains higher brain function again.

“What happened with Sandy?” he asks in the meantime because he just can’t be happy, even for a moment, without ruining it by saying stupid things. And really, it’s probably better to find out now if Jared’s planning on leaving tomorrow to spend Christmas hiatus with his girlfriend.

But Jared just shrugs. “We broke up a while ago. Halloween,” he clarifies at Jensen startled look.

“Oh.” That was over a month ago. Jared never said anything. “Why? What happened?”

“Well… you.”

At Jensen’s confused look Jared smiles softly. “I was with her, trying to be all romantic, you know, but all I could think about was you and the Halloween we’d been planning. Like how I would have bombarded you with the candy we’d bought while watching whatever horror movie was on and maybe I would have told you about the time I toilet-papered the vicar’s house and you would have looked at me in horror while secretly thinking it was really funny. And then we’d probably get drunk on tequila and I’d fall asleep on your couch with my head in your lap and…Yeah, that’s when I realized I was being a gigantic blind idiot and that it was time to do the right thing,” he finishes as if it’s the most natural thing in the world.

“God. This isn’t the right thing, Jare,” Jensen chokes out, his heart sinking. “Jesus, Jared. This is… this is so far from being the right thing.”

The oxygen is slowly returning to his brain and with it the realization of what they’re doing. Oh Jesus. He tries to pull away but Jared loops one arm around his neck, holding him still.

“It’s the right thing for me, Jen,” he says firmly. “And I know, I know, this is the right thing for you. And seriously, man, who else matters?”

“Everyone! Christ, Jared.” Oh God. What are they doing? What is he doing? “Everyone else. If they find out… if anyone finds out…”

Oh shit. God. Goddamit. Breathe. Breathe.

He’s starting to get lightheaded when Jared grabs him by the chin and forces him to look at him. “Jensen, stop it. Whatever you’re imagining it’s not real. And this thing? You and me? It’s nobody’s business. Alright?”

“We can’t… They’ll find out!” Jensen hisses, trying to push Jared away.

“No. If you don’t want anyone to know then no one will know, Jen,” Jared says determinedly and pulls him back in. “But even if they do find out… I’m not letting go of you just because someone might point fingers at us.”

“Point fingers? Jesus, Jare!” Jensen shudders.

He never should have let this happen. Now he’s dragged Jared with him into the whole mess and Jared… God, he doesn’t even realize! He has no idea what the hell he’s getting himself into.

“We’re risking everything! Our families! And our jobs!” Oh God. He’s going to be sick. “We’ll lose our jobs. Our whole careers. If they find out…If they find out we’re… that we’re…”

“Gay,” Jared says patiently. “You said it before, you can do it again. It’s not that hard.”

“Jesus. You can’t say it like that. Like it’s…” he falters again but Jared’s there, ready to pick up the slack.

“Okay? Natural? Nothing to be ashamed of?” he suggests calmly and sighs when Jensen flinches. “Because that’s what it is, Jen. It’s okay. It really is.”

“It’s not and you know it. It’s wrong.” How can he make Jared see what a gigantic mistake he’s making? “It’s an abomination. The Bible says…”

“The Bible?” Jared interrupts, incredulous, and then his eyes widen in comprehension. “Oh jeez. Jensen…”

“No.” He shakes his head. “It’s the word of God. God himself says-”

Jared leans forward, eyes hard. “Okay, not to dismiss your beliefs, Jen, but that’s a load of crap. God doesn’t say anything. Some bunch of guys two thousand years ago wrote down what they believed to be the truth. But that’s not God, man, that’s just a bunch of guys. Two thousand years ago, Jen!”

“It doesn’t matter,” he says angrily. “It’s still sacred. It’s the rules and we have to live by them.”

Jared shakes his head. “The Bible says a lot of stuff, Jen. If you were to follow all of it, you’d go insane. And probably get arrested.”

“Some rules are more important than others and this is one of them,” Jensen argues blindly. He’s heard all the arguments and his dad always had an answer for every one of them, but for the life of him he can’t remember a single one at the moment.

“Says who? Who decides what’s important and what’s not? It makes no sense. None of it does.” Jared sighs. “I get it, I really do. Your folks are religious, this is what they believe, what they taught you to believe.”

Jensen doesn’t know whether to cry or bang his head into the wall. “Jared…” You stupid stubborn son-of-a-bitch.

“No, listen to me. My parents are religious too. Church every Sunday, prayers before bedtime, all that. But know what my mom taught me about God? That God loves everyone.” He raises his eyebrow, looking at Jensen as if he’s found the solution to any and all of Jensen’s arguments right there. “That’s the essence of religion, Jen, love.”

“God doesn’t love queers,” Jensen points out, the words so imprinted in his mind that it surprises him when Jared flinches.

“Jesus, Jen. If you believe that God created man, that every life on Earth is due to his doing, that means he created you. With everything you are. Everything, Jen.”

“God created me pure.” Now he’s on familiar territory. This he knows like the back of his hand, he’s gone over it so many times, trying to make sense of why he is this way. “I defiled His creation. It’s my own doing. My shame.”

“Well, if it is then it’s my shame as well,” Jared says calmly but Jensen can hear the hurt in his voice and he freezes. “Because I may like girls too but, you know, I think when it comes to the God you believe in, he won’t much care about that once he finds out I suck cock.”

“Jared…” he tries, searching for something to say and coming up completely blank - really not helped by the sudden image of Jared on his knees with a dick down his throat.

Jared shakes his head. “No. No, man. If you believe you are so wrong, that you are sick and bad and… ‘defiled’? That means I am too. Now tell me, Jen, do you really think that? Do you really think I’m all those things?”

Jensen stares at him, helpless. Jared? Who’s the kindest, most gentle soul he’s ever known? Who’d rather have his dogs bite his arm off than raise his hand against them? Who cries at every sappy movie and laughs like he’s got sunshine in his belly?

“No,” he finally chokes out. “God, no. But…”

“No. There’s no but. There’s no ‘different rules for me than you’. It’s all or nothing, Jen. All or nothing. So which do you believe?”

It’s like two trains, crashing in his brain. He can’t believe those things about Jared, not in a million years, but what does that mean if he’s… if he’s…

“I can’t…” he whispers and looks away. “I’m… God, Jare.”

Jared’s face softens and he reaches out, pulling him back in. “I know. I get it. I don’t expect you to suddenly have an epiphany and change your mind, just like that. I just want you to think about it. Okay? I just want you to consider that maybe what you were raised to believe isn’t altogether right. Maybe this is one of those rules that’s outdated or just plain wrong. Can you do that for me? Just think about it?”

“Yeah,” he mumbles although just the thought has him feeling nauseous. “Okay. I’ll try.”

“Okay. Alright.”

They sit in silence for a while, Jensen still half in Jared’s lap, feeling kinda ridiculous and at the same time stupidly safe and comfortable.

“But, Jen? The other thing? Or, you know, things. Your eating problems and all the image issues…” Jared stops, seeming unsure. “I think… I really think you should consider getting yourself some help. Real help, I mean. Just someone to talk to and stuff.”

“That’s what Chris said,” he mutters and Jared looks at him in surprise.

“Chris knows?”

Jensen feels himself blushing again. “Just about the… the gay thing.”

“Oh.” Jared purses his lips in thought. “Well, he’s right. I mean, I’m here for you, all the way, man. But I don’t think I’m really qualified to deal with all of that.”

“I’m not sure anyone is. Jared, I don’t know…”

“Please, for me? Can you please just try it?”

And there they are again, the puppy eyes. Jensen sighs and gives in. They’re right, both Chris and Jared, he knows they’re right. Still doesn’t mean he’s happy about it. “Okay. Sure. If you really want me to.”

“I kinda want you to want it yourself but I’ll take this for now.” He nudges Jensen’s nose with his own. “Are you okay?”

“I’m trying.”

“That’s something,” Jared says with a smile and snuggles up against Jensen’s neck. “It’s a start.”

“So what now? What do we do now?” Jensen asks nervously, Jared’s warm breath sending shivers down his spine.

“I was thinking we could do some more kissing if that’s alright?” Jared mumbles against Jensen’s throat and then sucks the skin lightly.

Jensen hitches his breath. “Uh… okay.”

“And then some making out” Jared continues, licking a path up to Jensen’s ear. “Coz I love making out. And then, at some point, I think we should get up and move this into the bedroom. Get rid off some of these clothes.”

“Oh.” Jensen swallows. “In that case I should probably tell you something.”

Epilogue