Fic: Closer VI: I’ve Got No Soul To Sell
And now, ladies and gentlemen, it's time again for another chapter of Closer. I would like to remind you that scenes in this story are not suitable for children, homophobes or those who don't like sex. Also I should warn you that certain topics might bring on hot flashes and drooling.
Erm... maybe not in this chapter though. But hey, you got plenty last time!
Previous chapters are here.
Closer VI: I’ve Got No Soul To Sell
The rest of the journey was made in silence. The closer they got the worse Will felt. He didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to turn this family’s tragedy into some dirty news story on page 4. No matter how delicately he’d try to do it Giles could and probably would turn it into filth with malicious headers and cut up lines spread across the article in big red letters. ‘Sinful Slaughter’ or ‘Bashing the Bent’ or whatever stupid line he’d come up with. The thought sickened him.
This was why he never wanted to do “real” news. Invading people’s privacy and grief for the sake of a story never seemed right to him. He had always been more fascinated by the more beautiful side of humanity. Not that art wasn’t tragic at times, even painfully so, but at least it did seem to serve a purpose. What the hell was the purpose of dragging these people’s lives through the mud? Displaying their grief like it was this week’s entertainment? It wasn’t right and he of all people should know that. God, why did he have to be such a coward? If he wasn’t so utterly and totally broke…
The car slowed down and he looked up to find they were pulling into the gravelled parking lot outside the small country church. Fuck.
“You ok?”
The hesitant voice brought him out of his brooding and he looked up to find Liam watching him, his worry badly concealed. “No. This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this.”
Liam turned away, face blank. “I understand. I mean, why would you ever trust me again? If it was me…”
“No. This job. This job is wrong. I should know, I should bloody well know. Not the first funeral I’ve been to. This bloke I didn’t know but it doesn’t fucking matter, does it? It could have been, it could have been any of us. This isn’t news, this is someone’s nightmare and we’re putting it on display like… Fuck! What the hell am I doing here?”
Liam reached over and put his hand rather hesitantly on Will’s arm. “We don’t have to do this. It’s already started. We can tell your editor the car broke down and we were too late or something.”
“He’ll know. He’ll know and he’ll make sure I never get a job again anywhere in London. He’s a prick and he knows he’s got me by the fucking curlies. I loose this job and I’m on welfare, mate. I’ve drunken up every penny I had, not that I had much to begin with. I’m totally screwed.”
“Oh.” Liam looked down at his hands, still resting on the wheel. “God, I’m so sorry. I’ve fucked everything up for you, haven’t I?”
“Stop. Just stop, ok? Stop making it all about you. Not everything is about you!”
“Sorry.”
“And for god’s sake stop saying you’re sorry! Christ!”
Liam opened his mouth then seemed to rethink and closed it again. They sat in silence for a moment before he looked up. “Listen, it doesn’t matter what you say, I know it’s my fault. If I hadn’t… Will, I have some money saved... No listen! If you prefer we can call it a loan although I’d rather give it to you. It would make me feel a whole lot better.”
Will stared at him incredulous. “Money? You want to give me money? Jesus! Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you?” Angry he got out of the car, slamming the door furiously behind him. When Liam swiftly got out on his side Will turned to him, eyes burning. “I’m not a fucking whore, Liam. No matter how much you loved calling me one.” Then he stalked to the church and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself he opened the door slowly and slipped inside.
Shaking with shame Liam got out of the car and changed into a new shirt before getting his camera gear out of the backseat. Then he walked slowly toward the church.
~~~~~~~~~
The funeral was painful even to humble observers like them. The family was obviously still in shock, the boy’s mother seemed to be medicated to the point that she could hardly keep herself awake, his father wept openly and unashamed, not even bothering to wipe his eyes with the handkerchief he clutched in his hand. There didn’t seem to be a dry eye in the church, even the priest had to stop and clear his throat a few times. A young girl sang Ave Maria with a quivering bright voice that made Will’s heart ache. Then a young man stood up and walked to the white coffin. He stopped and stared down at the pale face that despite the mortuary’s best efforts still showed clear evidence of the cruel and fatal attack.
From their seats back in the church Will and Liam couldn’t hear the words spoken softly to deaf ears but their meaning could easily be read on the young man’s face. When he leaned down to kiss the cold lips Will stood up and left the church.
He was on his second cigarette when the bells started chiming. Liam slipped out a few seconds before the doors opened wide for the pallbearers. Will kept to the shadows as Liam did his job, making sure to be as unobtrusive as possible. At one point an elderly man approached him but after a few verbal exchanges the man patted Liam’s arm amicably and rejoined the grieving crowd. Will wondered what had been said.
He kept his distance as the coffin was carried out into the churchyard but turned away when it was lowered into the darkness of the freshly dug grave. He stood behind a tree as the churchyard slowly emptied, wishing with all his heart he wasn’t there. A hand gently squeezed his shoulder and he looked up to find the boy’s father giving him a sad smile.
“Your friend told my brother why you were here. Won’t you join us at the reception?”
“Wha… what?” Will searched frantically for Liam but he seemed to have disappeared. “What did he tell you?”
“That you want to do an article on hate crimes against gays. ‘Show the human side of statistics.’ I think that’s how he put it.”
Will blinked and then the guilty knot in his stomach made way for such a strong feeling of relief and gratitude towards Liam that he had to fight not to smile. Instead he nodded and thankfully accepted the man’s crumpled handkerchief to wipe his eyes.
“I was so afraid this would attract some sleazy headline hunters. But I can see you will make a good job out of it. After all, you know.” The man patted him on the shoulder and went to join his wife who was standing by the car, staring away into nothingness.
Will walked slowly to Liam’s car and with trembling hands lit another cigarette. His mind was already working on the article, searching for the right words, trying to catch the feeling without making it too morbid or sappy. Statistics… yes, he’d have to do some research. He needed to find a place to hook up his laptop, get his facts straight. He hoped Liam had got a shot of that kiss. Close up. Grief as real as it could be. He wanted it to be like a punch into the readers’ stomach no matter who they were. He hoped the family would give them permission to be that personal.
This was real. This wasn’t just another queer, not a doesn’t-concern-me case. This was humanity at its worst and best. This was love killed by hate. This was real.
Giles might still try to butcher it but that was a chance he had to take. Hopefully he would see the potential in such a story. A real story, not just a piece of pointless gory garbage.
He didn’t even notice Liam getting into the car until the engine was turned on. The photographer reached back and placed his camera bag on the backseat, avoiding looking at Will. With a sting Will remembered what their last conversation had been about.
“I’m sorry, all right? I shouldn’t have said that to you. I was a bloody wanker, ok? Liam?”
“Are we going to the reception?” The voice was flat.
“Yeah, seems you got us invited. Thanks for that. Really, I wouldn’t have thought of it but it’s perfect. It’s gonna be a brilliant article. Brilliant.”
When Liam didn’t share his enthusiasm he slumped again. “Sorry. Please. I didn’t mean it. I was feeling bloody nervous about this whole thing.” He swallowed. “Not even a year since I had to bury one of my own friends, you know? They never caught the bastard. Wrote it off as mugging gone wrong but we all knew it fucking wasn’t. Muggers don’t shove bottles up their victim’s arse. Well, not in general anyway.” Tears were stinging his eyes again and he twisted the wet handkerchief in his sweaty hands. “God, when you caught me that night at my place for a second I thought that was it, it was my turn. Some fucking world we live in.”
Liam sat stiff beside him. Will finally dared to look at him and was shocked to see him crying. “Liam?” Damn. “I shouldn’t have brought that up again, I’m sorry. I’m not thinking straight. Liam?”
“I’m ok. Just give me a sec, all right?”
“Of course. Sure. However long you need.”
After a while Liam put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. He still wouldn’t look at Will and the air in the car seemed thick with unsaid words and tense emotions. Will didn’t even dare ask him if he knew where they were going. When Liam finally spoke his voice was shaking.
“I think I got some good shots but I want the family to look them over. We’re not printing anything they don’t approve of. It’s all digital so we can show them on your laptop.”
“Of course. That’s what I planned anyway. Liam…”
“Same with the text, ok? If they don’t like it you rewrite it. All right?”
“Liam…”
“And no shocking headline. Nothing grotesque or vulgar. Or I won’t let you have the pics.”
“Jesus, Liam! What kind of journalist do you think I am? Giles might like to catch people’s attention with gore and gossip but I don’t.” He looked away. “I thought you knew that.”
“Sorry. It’s just… Did you see them in there? The whole family just…” Liam gripped the wheel so hard his knuckles whitened. He gave a cold laugh that chilled Will to the bone. “I doubt my father would even come to my funeral. Or anyone else for that matter. But that boy… they all loved him. Didn’t matter what he was, they loved him anyway. And they don’t deserve to be dragged through the mud.”
“They’re not going to be. The human side of statistics, remember? I promise you, it will be very delicate.” He gave Liam a reassuring smile but he only stared at the road in front of them. They rode in silence for a while, then Will added quietly, “I’d come.”
Liam’s breath hitched but he didn’t say anything.
The reception was a crowded affair. Young friends and elderly relatives paying homage to what they had lost. Every now and then someone laughed at a fond memory or wiped their eyes at a sad one. It was all very intimate and Will once again felt like an intruder. At last it became too much for him and he slipped out of the main room, only to bump into someone hiding in the hallway. He blushed and looked away when he recognised the young man from the church.
“Oz used to hate these kinds of things. Never knew what to say in such a crowd, you know? Too shy, my Oz.” The young man sipped his glass and stared out the window at a pair of sparrows on the grass.
Will swallowed. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” He turned to look at Will, piercing eyes filled with more sadness than anyone should know at such a young age. “I hear you’re doing an article. Should we be worried?”
Will took a deep breath and looked him straight into the eyes. “If it turns out the way I plan, no. I won’t print anything without your approval.”
The young man raised his eyebrows but after a while he nodded. “All right then. If you need anything just let me know.” He extended his hand. “The name is Alexander, by the way.”
“William. And thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. Shall we?” He opened the door and Will walked ahead of him back into the reception, feeling a lot better than a few minutes ago.
He searched for Liam and finally spotted him seated by the grieving mother’s side. She seemed a bit more lucid now and was talking in a low tone, wiping her eyes every now and then, leaning toward Liam in a way that made Will feel strangely warm inside. When Liam put his arm around her and gave her a light squeeze as he murmured something into her ear she even gave him a small smile and Will wanted to rush over and kiss him right there in front of everyone. Instead he turned away and circled the crowd a few times before once again leaving the room, this time all the way outside where he lit up a cigarette and leaned against the wall, eyes closed.
“Hey.”
His heart jumped. “Hey.”
“You ready to leave?”
He nodded, keeping his eyes closed.
“So… Apparently there’s a nice little inn just up that road. Some of the guests are staying there but they believed there was still some room.”
“Yeah. That sounds good.”
They walked to the car, close enough to feel each other’s heat although they didn’t touch. The whole experience had left Will with a feeling of desperation and sadness. Like the world could end tomorrow and his life had been wasted on shallow affairs and loneliness. He suddenly felt cold and wished that he could touch the man beside him, if only to get a smidgen of his heat. Could feel some kind of connection even if it was just a handshake or a peck on the cheek.
They drove over there in silence and checked into separate rooms, then agreed to meet for a meal in half an hour at the pub across the road. Will unlocked his small room, dumped his bag and the laptop on the narrow bed before slowly undressing. His clothes were clinging to him, cold sweat gluing them to his body. Avoiding the mirror he stepped into the shower. The hot water warmed his skin but he felt just as cold inside. The funeral had been both depressing and uplifting in a way but what his thoughts kept drifting to was Liam’s reaction. His words, the anguished tone, his obvious distress. Somehow he’d never wondered what kind of life Liam had. His family, his friends… didn’t seem like he really had anyone. It all sounded painfully familiar.
Will hadn’t spoken to his mother in months. Her coldness had never made any sense to him. If it had been brought on by his coming out he could have understood it but she had been like that for as long as he could remember. Resenting him, blaming him for her own miserable life. Telling her he was gay only gave her one more thing to despite him for. Now of course he knew why. A couple of times he’d stood with the phone in his hand, trying to get up the courage to dial the number, to ask her how she could hate him for what happened. Ask her why she hadn’t protected him, why she hadn’t stood up for him. Her son, her own flesh and blood. But he never did, the fear of what she would say far greater than the agony of not knowing, not understanding.
He used to have friends. Long ago. Some left the day he got tired of hiding who he was. One even punched his face as a farewell gift. A few he lost along the way to wives and kids, others to universities far away. He’d made some new ones instead, at work and in the clubs. But he hadn’t talked to them in months. Not since… A few of them had called to check up on him but after only getting his answering machine they finally gave up. Seemed like the only human beings he talked to lately were the pizza boy and the Indian guy in the market around the corner. Not that ‘How much?’ and ‘Thanks’ could really be considered conversations.
Who would come to his funeral? Maybe a few people from work, more out of obligation than grief though. Who else? Who would grief? Who would miss him? Who would even remember him five to ten years on?
God, his life was a waste.
Sinking deeper and deeper into self-pity and misery he pulled clean clothes out of his bag and put them on. Well, maybe clean was an overstatement. At least they weren’t damp with perspiration or too rank. The faded jeans had a rip mid thigh on one leg at the back and both knees at the front. The t-shirt was thin with wear, its original black colour turned grey and he was pretty sure there was a hole under at least one arm. Fuck, the jacket would cover it. He pulled on the short denim jacket, patted the breast pocket for his fags and left the room.
It wasn’t until he went into the pub and saw Liam sitting nervously at a table in the far corner that his mood lifted. Fuck, this was priceless. Liam had changed clothes too but where Will had dressed down, Liam had obviously dressed up. He looked very much out of place, the locals giving him a glance every now and then, probably wondering who that spiffy poof was. He had on a dark silky shirt, the colour lost in the darkness of the pub but for some reason Will hoped it was burgundy. Spotting Will Liam stood up hastily and Will didn’t know whether to grin or gasp at the black leather pants that were hugging his arse and thighs close enough to show off. Every. Single. Detail.
Doing his best to hide his amusement he went and ordered two pints of beer before walking over to Liam who had sat down again and seemed to be playing hide-the-fag by shrinking as far into the shadowed corner as he could.
“Hi.” Will put the glasses down on the table and sat down. “Am I right in assuming you’re the only gay in the village?”
“What?” Liam blinked in confusion. “I’m not… what?”
“Never mind.” Will chuckled and raised his glass at him. “Cheers.” He waited until Liam took a big gulp before adding. “Sweet of you to dress up for our first date.”
Well, now his clothes would smell. Raising his eyebrow at Liam’s blushing face he walked over to the bar and borrowed a cloth to wipe the splutters of beer of the table as well as himself. “And that was my good shirt too.”
“Sorry.” Liam blushed even further. “Erm… Did you say ‘date’?”
“Well…” Will looked around. “Dinner, drinks, a dark secluded corner.” He leaned over and whispered, “Leather.”
“I just… I didn’t…” Liam looked down, practically squirming. “I like leather.”
“And it obviously likes you.” The hope in Liam’s eyes sobered him up and he shifted gears, looking around the pub. “Don’t worry. I’m sure they will have forgotten all about you in a year or two.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better.” But his embarrassment had given way to a smile and he sipped his beer, licking the foam of his upper lip. “So, what shall we eat?”
Will tore his eyes away and up to the board beside the bar. “Well, there’s the usual fish and chips. Or you can have burgers and chips. Or even ribs and chips.”
Liam frowned. “Anything without chips?”
“I don’t think so. Why? You have anything against chips?” Will made it sound like that would be the worst crime on earth and Liam smiled.
“Nope. They do however not like me as well as the leather.” He leaned back and lifted his shirt, patting his stomach with a pout. “Gotta watch the lines, you know.”
“Yeah, well...” Will swallowed. “Somehow I can’t imagine you having that problem.”
Liam looked up and the rest of the pub disappeared, the chatter and music getting lost in the pounding of Will’s heart. Their knees were so close under the table, their hands only inches apart on top of it, but still the distance was unbearable. Liam’s eyes bordered on black and Will thought he could feel his breath stroke his face. When Liam licked his lips Will unconsciously copied him, the stroke of the tongue firing up his belly like it was Liam’s and not his own. God, he wanted him.
A loud sound of something breaking broke their trance and Will turned his dazed eyes at the girl who was picking up the pieces of broken glass, smiling patiently at the clumsy costumer. When he looked back Liam was staring down into his beer, like it contained all the answers in the universe. Disappointed Will cleared his throat.
“Food, yeah?”
“Sure. You pick something, I’ll pay.” Liam didn’t even look up.
Will hesitated, the proposal from earlier still stinging him but fighting over a plate of food seemed ridiculous. As he stood up and walked over to the bar he realised why Liam had made him do the honours and he tried to adjust himself without looking to obvious. The girl didn’t seem to notice though, just smiled and took his order.
They ate in silence, having had nothing to eat since that morning. After finishing his pint, Liam not even half through his, Will went and got another. His hands were shaking and he really wanted something stronger but for some reason he held back. Not that Liam didn’t know he’d been drinking his days away for months, had actually witnessed it last night, but somehow revealing his weakness in broad daylight was too shameful.
He was on his third when they finished, Liam still sipping his first. His bladder was starting to suffer tremendously for it and he looked around until he spotted the loo on the other side of the pub. Gulping down the rest he stood up.
“I’m just gonna…”
Liam still kept his eyes down. “Sure.”
God, it was such a relief. He could actually see his stomach cave in as he emptied what seemed like a small ocean into the urinal. He was washing his hands when the door opened and he stiffened, the usual fear creeping up on him. Hurriedly he turned off the tab and dried his hands on the front of his jeans before turning around. Liam was standing in front of the door, breathing deeply. “Hey...”
“I need to kiss you. Like now.” Liam took one step forward and Will backed away. “I can’t stand it, being so close to you and…” He took another step and Will backed into one of the booths, the door rattling on its hinges.
Liam blinked. Then he retreated again, the heat in his eyes replaced by sudden realisation. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
Before Will had time to respond Liam turned around and walked out, the door slamming behind him. Still in shock Will looked up and caught his own reflection in the mirror. The face that met him was pale and sweaty, eyes huge and scared. When he looked down his hands were shaking, and this time it wasn’t because of the need for alcohol. Fuck. He jerked the door open and hurried into the pub. Liam wasn’t there. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Running out he saw him disappear into the inn and hurried after him, catching up with him on the stairs up to their rooms. “Liam!”
Liam kept his back to him. “I’m gonna take a nap. We can look at the pictures later.”
“Fuck, Liam.” Will grabbed Liam’s arm and turned him around, pained by the look of misery on his face. “I’m sorry, ok? You just caught me off guard, that’s all.”
Liam finally met his eyes, a mix of embarrassment and anger in his expression. “Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have…”
“You think I don’t want you to kiss me? Been wanting to ever since I walked in and saw you in all your leathery glory. Was so fucking hard I could hardly piss.” The landlady’s subtle cough from behind the counter made him realise where they were and impatiently he took Liam’s hand and dragged him up the stairs, unlocking the door to his room and pulling him inside.
“Look.” He started pacing the room, glancing at Liam who stood by the door like a brooding statue. “I have a bit of a problem with surprises, you know. Being jumped at in dark hallways and such. Something I have to work on.” He ignored Liam’s obvious discomfort. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Fuck I do. You know I do. Almost took you on that table there earlier. But we need to make some rules, all right?”
He sat on the bed, patting the space beside him. “Sit down.”
Liam hesitated for a second before walking over and sitting as far away from Will as he could. Rolling his eyes Will moved closer until their thighs were touching.
“First off, stop giving me that puppy look.”
“I don’t…”
“That one. Stop it. I’m not gonna kick you, ok? Not unless you keep practically asking me to. Like now. Stop it!” He glared at Liam who tried his best not to look like a puppy. “Second…” He bit his lip and swallowed before continuing, “I need to take the first steps, ok? I’m not saying you have to be my bitch forever,” the slight shiver running through Liam’s body made him smile slightly, “but for now I need to be in charge. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Third… Stop the puppy look! Third, we need a safeword. If at any time either of us feels too uncomfortable we say that word and that’s it, we stop. Whatever we’re doing. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Fourth… ok, I have no fourth. Let me think.” He frowned then sighed and shook his head. “Fuck it.”
Liam’s lips seemed feverish against his own. He braided his fingers into Liam’s hair; wanting to pull him closer, swallow him. Liam’s hands were on his back, warm and big. God, it was good. They fell back on the bed, kissing and touching, the initial urgency fading into slow passion. Tasting each other, mapping out warm bodies with their fingertips. Shoes were kicked off, falling to the floor with loud thumps that they didn’t hear. The leather pants felt smooth but Will wanted to touch human skin, feel Liam. See him.
Still kissing he undid the buttons on Liam’s shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. The tanned skin underneath was hot and damp and he wanted to reach down and taste it. Liam shifted beside him and suddenly the room went dark. Will stiffened, then rolled over and turned the lights on again. “Fifth rule. Lights on. For now.”
“Sorry, I didn’t think…”
“It’s ok.” They resumed kissing for a while before Will pulled back and sat up. He looked down at Liam lying on the bed, shirt undone, chest heaving, cock twitching beneath black leather. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.” He laughed when Liam blushed and looked away, obviously uncomfortable with the praise. “You’d rather I told you you’re hot? Sexy? Fuckable?” He took a deep breath. “Because you are. You so fucking are.”
He reached over and traced a finger down Liam’s chest and belly, eyes darkening even further as he reached the low hairline, Liam’s stomach moving in waves with each breath. When Liam lifted a hand he shot him a frown, “Don’t move,” and the hand fell down limp by his side. Slowly he leaned over and planted a kiss in the middle of Liam’s chest, then licked his way to the right nipple.
“Oh god, Will!”
“Sshh.”
Liam tasted good, like sunshine. His skin smelled of the smoky pub, soap and a musky scent that was just him. Will inhaled with closed eyes before moving over to the other nipple and sucking it into his mouth as well, his cock getting harder and harder with every moan he extracted from the man beneath him. Gripping Liam’s wrists hard on either side he licked his way further and further down until his tongue entangled in the soft hair disappearing under the waistband of the leather pants. Panting softly he looked up at Liam. The look of desperation in the brown eyes was all the persuasion he needed and releasing Liam’s wrists he undid the top button on the leather pants and then slowly pulled down the zipper.
Soon the pants were lying on the floor along with the silky boxers and Will paused to take in the beauty that lay on the bed. Liam was gritting his teeth, hands curled into fists by his side, his cock struggling to get closer to the man hovering over him. Will swallowed. Taking a deep breath he looked up at Liam.
“I know you like it rough but bear with me.” He ran his hands up Liam’s thigh, then parted them gently and lowered his head.
“Will… oh Jesus… that’s so… nnngh… yes, oh god yes… Will! Oh… oh shit. Oh god…Wait! I’m gonna… oh fuck!”
Will drew back, then looked up and quirked his eyebrow.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to… fuck. I’m sorry.”
Licking his lips lazily Will moved up until he was lying by Liam’s side, head propped up on one hand. “’S all right. Happens to the best of us.” He grinned at Liam’s obvious embarrassment. “I knew I was good but…”
“I don’t think good is the right word. I’d say more in the lines of absolutely fucking fantastic. Too damn fantastic as it turns out.” He pouted. “This really wasn’t how I planned this.”
“Really?” Will suddenly felt cold. “You had plans?”
“What?” Liam looked at him and froze. “No! I mean… I hoped something would happen. Sometime. Not today of course. Well, maybe today but… I’ll just shut up now.”
“No, please continue. So in this plan of yours, was it like this or did you have me on my knees instead? Like last time.”
“No! I…”
Will stood up and started pulling on his boots angrily. “Or maybe you planned to get right to the fucking. In the churchyard maybe? Right next to the fresh grave. You like that kinky stuff, don’t you?”
“Will, stop. Listen to yourself.”
“I can hear myself perfectly. Stupid. So fucking stupid for thinking you had actually changed.”
He was reaching for the knob on the door when his shoulder was gripped in a vice and he swung around, the whole world going white before his eyes as he pushed and kicked in panic. He didn’t even register when he was released but kept on until he sank to the floor, his chest too tight, the air disappearing from his lunges.
“Will, deep breaths. Please. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Will?”
…
“Will?”
He opened his eyes. His head hurt, his chest hurt and for some reason his right hand hurt really bad. He blinked until his vision cleared and realised he was lying on the floor, Liam crouching by his side. “What happened?”
“Oh thank god you’re all right. You scared the shit out of me.”
Slowly he sat up and closed his eyes to fight the nausea threatening to erupt. “I scared… what?”
“You passed out. It was my fault, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped you like that. Never learn, do I?”
“I passed out?” Confused he looked at his hand that was starting to swell and colour. “Why?”
“I think you had a panic attack. You couldn’t catch your breath. My fucking fault. I should have…” Liam looked away in shame. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop saying that.” Will grunted and tried to get up but his head felt too dizzy. “Bloody broken record.”
“Sor… ok. Has that happened before?”
Will blinked. “Yeah. A few times. Can you help me up?”
“Sure.”
Liam stood up and that’s when Will realised he was naked except for his open shirt. Suddenly it all came back to him but instead of his earlier rage he felt embarrassed. God, what a pillock. Attacking the guy for a few simple words. He grabbed the hand offered to him and was pulled up to his wobbly feet. “Maybe I should lie down.”
“That might be a good idea.”
Liam helped him over to the bed and he lay down on the slightly damp cover. It smelled like Liam. And sex. He groaned.
“You all right? You want me to get you anything? You need a doctor?”
“No, no doctor. Some painkillers would be nice though. My head is killing me. And my hand. What the fuck happened to my hand?”
“You kinda hit me with it.” Liam rubbed his chin. “And then the wall, I think. Let me see.”
The big fingers were gentle and Will closed his eyes, thinking of what they could be doing to him if he hadn’t behaved like an arse. “Listen, I’m sorry. I was a wanker lashing out like that. Bloody stupid.”
Liam put the hand down. “We should put some ice on that. And I’ll get you painkillers from my room.” He paused by the door then looked over at Will where he lay on the bed. “Only plan I had was to make you like me.” Then he turned around and left Will staring after him, a heavy lump in his throat.
Feedback is very much appreciated. *hugs you all*
Continued in My Absence Of Faith
Erm... maybe not in this chapter though. But hey, you got plenty last time!
Previous chapters are here.
Closer VI: I’ve Got No Soul To Sell
The rest of the journey was made in silence. The closer they got the worse Will felt. He didn’t want to do this. Didn’t want to turn this family’s tragedy into some dirty news story on page 4. No matter how delicately he’d try to do it Giles could and probably would turn it into filth with malicious headers and cut up lines spread across the article in big red letters. ‘Sinful Slaughter’ or ‘Bashing the Bent’ or whatever stupid line he’d come up with. The thought sickened him.
This was why he never wanted to do “real” news. Invading people’s privacy and grief for the sake of a story never seemed right to him. He had always been more fascinated by the more beautiful side of humanity. Not that art wasn’t tragic at times, even painfully so, but at least it did seem to serve a purpose. What the hell was the purpose of dragging these people’s lives through the mud? Displaying their grief like it was this week’s entertainment? It wasn’t right and he of all people should know that. God, why did he have to be such a coward? If he wasn’t so utterly and totally broke…
The car slowed down and he looked up to find they were pulling into the gravelled parking lot outside the small country church. Fuck.
“You ok?”
The hesitant voice brought him out of his brooding and he looked up to find Liam watching him, his worry badly concealed. “No. This is all wrong. I shouldn’t be doing this.”
Liam turned away, face blank. “I understand. I mean, why would you ever trust me again? If it was me…”
“No. This job. This job is wrong. I should know, I should bloody well know. Not the first funeral I’ve been to. This bloke I didn’t know but it doesn’t fucking matter, does it? It could have been, it could have been any of us. This isn’t news, this is someone’s nightmare and we’re putting it on display like… Fuck! What the hell am I doing here?”
Liam reached over and put his hand rather hesitantly on Will’s arm. “We don’t have to do this. It’s already started. We can tell your editor the car broke down and we were too late or something.”
“He’ll know. He’ll know and he’ll make sure I never get a job again anywhere in London. He’s a prick and he knows he’s got me by the fucking curlies. I loose this job and I’m on welfare, mate. I’ve drunken up every penny I had, not that I had much to begin with. I’m totally screwed.”
“Oh.” Liam looked down at his hands, still resting on the wheel. “God, I’m so sorry. I’ve fucked everything up for you, haven’t I?”
“Stop. Just stop, ok? Stop making it all about you. Not everything is about you!”
“Sorry.”
“And for god’s sake stop saying you’re sorry! Christ!”
Liam opened his mouth then seemed to rethink and closed it again. They sat in silence for a moment before he looked up. “Listen, it doesn’t matter what you say, I know it’s my fault. If I hadn’t… Will, I have some money saved... No listen! If you prefer we can call it a loan although I’d rather give it to you. It would make me feel a whole lot better.”
Will stared at him incredulous. “Money? You want to give me money? Jesus! Do you have any idea how insulting that is? Do you?” Angry he got out of the car, slamming the door furiously behind him. When Liam swiftly got out on his side Will turned to him, eyes burning. “I’m not a fucking whore, Liam. No matter how much you loved calling me one.” Then he stalked to the church and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself he opened the door slowly and slipped inside.
Shaking with shame Liam got out of the car and changed into a new shirt before getting his camera gear out of the backseat. Then he walked slowly toward the church.
~~~~~~~~~
The funeral was painful even to humble observers like them. The family was obviously still in shock, the boy’s mother seemed to be medicated to the point that she could hardly keep herself awake, his father wept openly and unashamed, not even bothering to wipe his eyes with the handkerchief he clutched in his hand. There didn’t seem to be a dry eye in the church, even the priest had to stop and clear his throat a few times. A young girl sang Ave Maria with a quivering bright voice that made Will’s heart ache. Then a young man stood up and walked to the white coffin. He stopped and stared down at the pale face that despite the mortuary’s best efforts still showed clear evidence of the cruel and fatal attack.
From their seats back in the church Will and Liam couldn’t hear the words spoken softly to deaf ears but their meaning could easily be read on the young man’s face. When he leaned down to kiss the cold lips Will stood up and left the church.
He was on his second cigarette when the bells started chiming. Liam slipped out a few seconds before the doors opened wide for the pallbearers. Will kept to the shadows as Liam did his job, making sure to be as unobtrusive as possible. At one point an elderly man approached him but after a few verbal exchanges the man patted Liam’s arm amicably and rejoined the grieving crowd. Will wondered what had been said.
He kept his distance as the coffin was carried out into the churchyard but turned away when it was lowered into the darkness of the freshly dug grave. He stood behind a tree as the churchyard slowly emptied, wishing with all his heart he wasn’t there. A hand gently squeezed his shoulder and he looked up to find the boy’s father giving him a sad smile.
“Your friend told my brother why you were here. Won’t you join us at the reception?”
“Wha… what?” Will searched frantically for Liam but he seemed to have disappeared. “What did he tell you?”
“That you want to do an article on hate crimes against gays. ‘Show the human side of statistics.’ I think that’s how he put it.”
Will blinked and then the guilty knot in his stomach made way for such a strong feeling of relief and gratitude towards Liam that he had to fight not to smile. Instead he nodded and thankfully accepted the man’s crumpled handkerchief to wipe his eyes.
“I was so afraid this would attract some sleazy headline hunters. But I can see you will make a good job out of it. After all, you know.” The man patted him on the shoulder and went to join his wife who was standing by the car, staring away into nothingness.
Will walked slowly to Liam’s car and with trembling hands lit another cigarette. His mind was already working on the article, searching for the right words, trying to catch the feeling without making it too morbid or sappy. Statistics… yes, he’d have to do some research. He needed to find a place to hook up his laptop, get his facts straight. He hoped Liam had got a shot of that kiss. Close up. Grief as real as it could be. He wanted it to be like a punch into the readers’ stomach no matter who they were. He hoped the family would give them permission to be that personal.
This was real. This wasn’t just another queer, not a doesn’t-concern-me case. This was humanity at its worst and best. This was love killed by hate. This was real.
Giles might still try to butcher it but that was a chance he had to take. Hopefully he would see the potential in such a story. A real story, not just a piece of pointless gory garbage.
He didn’t even notice Liam getting into the car until the engine was turned on. The photographer reached back and placed his camera bag on the backseat, avoiding looking at Will. With a sting Will remembered what their last conversation had been about.
“I’m sorry, all right? I shouldn’t have said that to you. I was a bloody wanker, ok? Liam?”
“Are we going to the reception?” The voice was flat.
“Yeah, seems you got us invited. Thanks for that. Really, I wouldn’t have thought of it but it’s perfect. It’s gonna be a brilliant article. Brilliant.”
When Liam didn’t share his enthusiasm he slumped again. “Sorry. Please. I didn’t mean it. I was feeling bloody nervous about this whole thing.” He swallowed. “Not even a year since I had to bury one of my own friends, you know? They never caught the bastard. Wrote it off as mugging gone wrong but we all knew it fucking wasn’t. Muggers don’t shove bottles up their victim’s arse. Well, not in general anyway.” Tears were stinging his eyes again and he twisted the wet handkerchief in his sweaty hands. “God, when you caught me that night at my place for a second I thought that was it, it was my turn. Some fucking world we live in.”
Liam sat stiff beside him. Will finally dared to look at him and was shocked to see him crying. “Liam?” Damn. “I shouldn’t have brought that up again, I’m sorry. I’m not thinking straight. Liam?”
“I’m ok. Just give me a sec, all right?”
“Of course. Sure. However long you need.”
After a while Liam put the car in gear and pulled out of the parking lot. He still wouldn’t look at Will and the air in the car seemed thick with unsaid words and tense emotions. Will didn’t even dare ask him if he knew where they were going. When Liam finally spoke his voice was shaking.
“I think I got some good shots but I want the family to look them over. We’re not printing anything they don’t approve of. It’s all digital so we can show them on your laptop.”
“Of course. That’s what I planned anyway. Liam…”
“Same with the text, ok? If they don’t like it you rewrite it. All right?”
“Liam…”
“And no shocking headline. Nothing grotesque or vulgar. Or I won’t let you have the pics.”
“Jesus, Liam! What kind of journalist do you think I am? Giles might like to catch people’s attention with gore and gossip but I don’t.” He looked away. “I thought you knew that.”
“Sorry. It’s just… Did you see them in there? The whole family just…” Liam gripped the wheel so hard his knuckles whitened. He gave a cold laugh that chilled Will to the bone. “I doubt my father would even come to my funeral. Or anyone else for that matter. But that boy… they all loved him. Didn’t matter what he was, they loved him anyway. And they don’t deserve to be dragged through the mud.”
“They’re not going to be. The human side of statistics, remember? I promise you, it will be very delicate.” He gave Liam a reassuring smile but he only stared at the road in front of them. They rode in silence for a while, then Will added quietly, “I’d come.”
Liam’s breath hitched but he didn’t say anything.
The reception was a crowded affair. Young friends and elderly relatives paying homage to what they had lost. Every now and then someone laughed at a fond memory or wiped their eyes at a sad one. It was all very intimate and Will once again felt like an intruder. At last it became too much for him and he slipped out of the main room, only to bump into someone hiding in the hallway. He blushed and looked away when he recognised the young man from the church.
“Oz used to hate these kinds of things. Never knew what to say in such a crowd, you know? Too shy, my Oz.” The young man sipped his glass and stared out the window at a pair of sparrows on the grass.
Will swallowed. “I’m so sorry for your loss.”
“Thank you.” He turned to look at Will, piercing eyes filled with more sadness than anyone should know at such a young age. “I hear you’re doing an article. Should we be worried?”
Will took a deep breath and looked him straight into the eyes. “If it turns out the way I plan, no. I won’t print anything without your approval.”
The young man raised his eyebrows but after a while he nodded. “All right then. If you need anything just let me know.” He extended his hand. “The name is Alexander, by the way.”
“William. And thank you.”
“Don’t mention it. Shall we?” He opened the door and Will walked ahead of him back into the reception, feeling a lot better than a few minutes ago.
He searched for Liam and finally spotted him seated by the grieving mother’s side. She seemed a bit more lucid now and was talking in a low tone, wiping her eyes every now and then, leaning toward Liam in a way that made Will feel strangely warm inside. When Liam put his arm around her and gave her a light squeeze as he murmured something into her ear she even gave him a small smile and Will wanted to rush over and kiss him right there in front of everyone. Instead he turned away and circled the crowd a few times before once again leaving the room, this time all the way outside where he lit up a cigarette and leaned against the wall, eyes closed.
“Hey.”
His heart jumped. “Hey.”
“You ready to leave?”
He nodded, keeping his eyes closed.
“So… Apparently there’s a nice little inn just up that road. Some of the guests are staying there but they believed there was still some room.”
“Yeah. That sounds good.”
They walked to the car, close enough to feel each other’s heat although they didn’t touch. The whole experience had left Will with a feeling of desperation and sadness. Like the world could end tomorrow and his life had been wasted on shallow affairs and loneliness. He suddenly felt cold and wished that he could touch the man beside him, if only to get a smidgen of his heat. Could feel some kind of connection even if it was just a handshake or a peck on the cheek.
They drove over there in silence and checked into separate rooms, then agreed to meet for a meal in half an hour at the pub across the road. Will unlocked his small room, dumped his bag and the laptop on the narrow bed before slowly undressing. His clothes were clinging to him, cold sweat gluing them to his body. Avoiding the mirror he stepped into the shower. The hot water warmed his skin but he felt just as cold inside. The funeral had been both depressing and uplifting in a way but what his thoughts kept drifting to was Liam’s reaction. His words, the anguished tone, his obvious distress. Somehow he’d never wondered what kind of life Liam had. His family, his friends… didn’t seem like he really had anyone. It all sounded painfully familiar.
Will hadn’t spoken to his mother in months. Her coldness had never made any sense to him. If it had been brought on by his coming out he could have understood it but she had been like that for as long as he could remember. Resenting him, blaming him for her own miserable life. Telling her he was gay only gave her one more thing to despite him for. Now of course he knew why. A couple of times he’d stood with the phone in his hand, trying to get up the courage to dial the number, to ask her how she could hate him for what happened. Ask her why she hadn’t protected him, why she hadn’t stood up for him. Her son, her own flesh and blood. But he never did, the fear of what she would say far greater than the agony of not knowing, not understanding.
He used to have friends. Long ago. Some left the day he got tired of hiding who he was. One even punched his face as a farewell gift. A few he lost along the way to wives and kids, others to universities far away. He’d made some new ones instead, at work and in the clubs. But he hadn’t talked to them in months. Not since… A few of them had called to check up on him but after only getting his answering machine they finally gave up. Seemed like the only human beings he talked to lately were the pizza boy and the Indian guy in the market around the corner. Not that ‘How much?’ and ‘Thanks’ could really be considered conversations.
Who would come to his funeral? Maybe a few people from work, more out of obligation than grief though. Who else? Who would grief? Who would miss him? Who would even remember him five to ten years on?
God, his life was a waste.
Sinking deeper and deeper into self-pity and misery he pulled clean clothes out of his bag and put them on. Well, maybe clean was an overstatement. At least they weren’t damp with perspiration or too rank. The faded jeans had a rip mid thigh on one leg at the back and both knees at the front. The t-shirt was thin with wear, its original black colour turned grey and he was pretty sure there was a hole under at least one arm. Fuck, the jacket would cover it. He pulled on the short denim jacket, patted the breast pocket for his fags and left the room.
It wasn’t until he went into the pub and saw Liam sitting nervously at a table in the far corner that his mood lifted. Fuck, this was priceless. Liam had changed clothes too but where Will had dressed down, Liam had obviously dressed up. He looked very much out of place, the locals giving him a glance every now and then, probably wondering who that spiffy poof was. He had on a dark silky shirt, the colour lost in the darkness of the pub but for some reason Will hoped it was burgundy. Spotting Will Liam stood up hastily and Will didn’t know whether to grin or gasp at the black leather pants that were hugging his arse and thighs close enough to show off. Every. Single. Detail.
Doing his best to hide his amusement he went and ordered two pints of beer before walking over to Liam who had sat down again and seemed to be playing hide-the-fag by shrinking as far into the shadowed corner as he could.
“Hi.” Will put the glasses down on the table and sat down. “Am I right in assuming you’re the only gay in the village?”
“What?” Liam blinked in confusion. “I’m not… what?”
“Never mind.” Will chuckled and raised his glass at him. “Cheers.” He waited until Liam took a big gulp before adding. “Sweet of you to dress up for our first date.”
Well, now his clothes would smell. Raising his eyebrow at Liam’s blushing face he walked over to the bar and borrowed a cloth to wipe the splutters of beer of the table as well as himself. “And that was my good shirt too.”
“Sorry.” Liam blushed even further. “Erm… Did you say ‘date’?”
“Well…” Will looked around. “Dinner, drinks, a dark secluded corner.” He leaned over and whispered, “Leather.”
“I just… I didn’t…” Liam looked down, practically squirming. “I like leather.”
“And it obviously likes you.” The hope in Liam’s eyes sobered him up and he shifted gears, looking around the pub. “Don’t worry. I’m sure they will have forgotten all about you in a year or two.”
“Thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better.” But his embarrassment had given way to a smile and he sipped his beer, licking the foam of his upper lip. “So, what shall we eat?”
Will tore his eyes away and up to the board beside the bar. “Well, there’s the usual fish and chips. Or you can have burgers and chips. Or even ribs and chips.”
Liam frowned. “Anything without chips?”
“I don’t think so. Why? You have anything against chips?” Will made it sound like that would be the worst crime on earth and Liam smiled.
“Nope. They do however not like me as well as the leather.” He leaned back and lifted his shirt, patting his stomach with a pout. “Gotta watch the lines, you know.”
“Yeah, well...” Will swallowed. “Somehow I can’t imagine you having that problem.”
Liam looked up and the rest of the pub disappeared, the chatter and music getting lost in the pounding of Will’s heart. Their knees were so close under the table, their hands only inches apart on top of it, but still the distance was unbearable. Liam’s eyes bordered on black and Will thought he could feel his breath stroke his face. When Liam licked his lips Will unconsciously copied him, the stroke of the tongue firing up his belly like it was Liam’s and not his own. God, he wanted him.
A loud sound of something breaking broke their trance and Will turned his dazed eyes at the girl who was picking up the pieces of broken glass, smiling patiently at the clumsy costumer. When he looked back Liam was staring down into his beer, like it contained all the answers in the universe. Disappointed Will cleared his throat.
“Food, yeah?”
“Sure. You pick something, I’ll pay.” Liam didn’t even look up.
Will hesitated, the proposal from earlier still stinging him but fighting over a plate of food seemed ridiculous. As he stood up and walked over to the bar he realised why Liam had made him do the honours and he tried to adjust himself without looking to obvious. The girl didn’t seem to notice though, just smiled and took his order.
They ate in silence, having had nothing to eat since that morning. After finishing his pint, Liam not even half through his, Will went and got another. His hands were shaking and he really wanted something stronger but for some reason he held back. Not that Liam didn’t know he’d been drinking his days away for months, had actually witnessed it last night, but somehow revealing his weakness in broad daylight was too shameful.
He was on his third when they finished, Liam still sipping his first. His bladder was starting to suffer tremendously for it and he looked around until he spotted the loo on the other side of the pub. Gulping down the rest he stood up.
“I’m just gonna…”
Liam still kept his eyes down. “Sure.”
God, it was such a relief. He could actually see his stomach cave in as he emptied what seemed like a small ocean into the urinal. He was washing his hands when the door opened and he stiffened, the usual fear creeping up on him. Hurriedly he turned off the tab and dried his hands on the front of his jeans before turning around. Liam was standing in front of the door, breathing deeply. “Hey...”
“I need to kiss you. Like now.” Liam took one step forward and Will backed away. “I can’t stand it, being so close to you and…” He took another step and Will backed into one of the booths, the door rattling on its hinges.
Liam blinked. Then he retreated again, the heat in his eyes replaced by sudden realisation. “Fuck, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to…”
Before Will had time to respond Liam turned around and walked out, the door slamming behind him. Still in shock Will looked up and caught his own reflection in the mirror. The face that met him was pale and sweaty, eyes huge and scared. When he looked down his hands were shaking, and this time it wasn’t because of the need for alcohol. Fuck. He jerked the door open and hurried into the pub. Liam wasn’t there. Fuck, fuck, fuck. Running out he saw him disappear into the inn and hurried after him, catching up with him on the stairs up to their rooms. “Liam!”
Liam kept his back to him. “I’m gonna take a nap. We can look at the pictures later.”
“Fuck, Liam.” Will grabbed Liam’s arm and turned him around, pained by the look of misery on his face. “I’m sorry, ok? You just caught me off guard, that’s all.”
Liam finally met his eyes, a mix of embarrassment and anger in his expression. “Don’t apologise. You have nothing to apologise for. I was stupid. I shouldn’t have…”
“You think I don’t want you to kiss me? Been wanting to ever since I walked in and saw you in all your leathery glory. Was so fucking hard I could hardly piss.” The landlady’s subtle cough from behind the counter made him realise where they were and impatiently he took Liam’s hand and dragged him up the stairs, unlocking the door to his room and pulling him inside.
“Look.” He started pacing the room, glancing at Liam who stood by the door like a brooding statue. “I have a bit of a problem with surprises, you know. Being jumped at in dark hallways and such. Something I have to work on.” He ignored Liam’s obvious discomfort. “Doesn’t mean I don’t want you. Fuck I do. You know I do. Almost took you on that table there earlier. But we need to make some rules, all right?”
He sat on the bed, patting the space beside him. “Sit down.”
Liam hesitated for a second before walking over and sitting as far away from Will as he could. Rolling his eyes Will moved closer until their thighs were touching.
“First off, stop giving me that puppy look.”
“I don’t…”
“That one. Stop it. I’m not gonna kick you, ok? Not unless you keep practically asking me to. Like now. Stop it!” He glared at Liam who tried his best not to look like a puppy. “Second…” He bit his lip and swallowed before continuing, “I need to take the first steps, ok? I’m not saying you have to be my bitch forever,” the slight shiver running through Liam’s body made him smile slightly, “but for now I need to be in charge. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Third… Stop the puppy look! Third, we need a safeword. If at any time either of us feels too uncomfortable we say that word and that’s it, we stop. Whatever we’re doing. Ok?”
“Ok.”
“Fourth… ok, I have no fourth. Let me think.” He frowned then sighed and shook his head. “Fuck it.”
Liam’s lips seemed feverish against his own. He braided his fingers into Liam’s hair; wanting to pull him closer, swallow him. Liam’s hands were on his back, warm and big. God, it was good. They fell back on the bed, kissing and touching, the initial urgency fading into slow passion. Tasting each other, mapping out warm bodies with their fingertips. Shoes were kicked off, falling to the floor with loud thumps that they didn’t hear. The leather pants felt smooth but Will wanted to touch human skin, feel Liam. See him.
Still kissing he undid the buttons on Liam’s shirt and pushed it off his shoulders. The tanned skin underneath was hot and damp and he wanted to reach down and taste it. Liam shifted beside him and suddenly the room went dark. Will stiffened, then rolled over and turned the lights on again. “Fifth rule. Lights on. For now.”
“Sorry, I didn’t think…”
“It’s ok.” They resumed kissing for a while before Will pulled back and sat up. He looked down at Liam lying on the bed, shirt undone, chest heaving, cock twitching beneath black leather. “Fuck, you’re beautiful.” He laughed when Liam blushed and looked away, obviously uncomfortable with the praise. “You’d rather I told you you’re hot? Sexy? Fuckable?” He took a deep breath. “Because you are. You so fucking are.”
He reached over and traced a finger down Liam’s chest and belly, eyes darkening even further as he reached the low hairline, Liam’s stomach moving in waves with each breath. When Liam lifted a hand he shot him a frown, “Don’t move,” and the hand fell down limp by his side. Slowly he leaned over and planted a kiss in the middle of Liam’s chest, then licked his way to the right nipple.
“Oh god, Will!”
“Sshh.”
Liam tasted good, like sunshine. His skin smelled of the smoky pub, soap and a musky scent that was just him. Will inhaled with closed eyes before moving over to the other nipple and sucking it into his mouth as well, his cock getting harder and harder with every moan he extracted from the man beneath him. Gripping Liam’s wrists hard on either side he licked his way further and further down until his tongue entangled in the soft hair disappearing under the waistband of the leather pants. Panting softly he looked up at Liam. The look of desperation in the brown eyes was all the persuasion he needed and releasing Liam’s wrists he undid the top button on the leather pants and then slowly pulled down the zipper.
Soon the pants were lying on the floor along with the silky boxers and Will paused to take in the beauty that lay on the bed. Liam was gritting his teeth, hands curled into fists by his side, his cock struggling to get closer to the man hovering over him. Will swallowed. Taking a deep breath he looked up at Liam.
“I know you like it rough but bear with me.” He ran his hands up Liam’s thigh, then parted them gently and lowered his head.
“Will… oh Jesus… that’s so… nnngh… yes, oh god yes… Will! Oh… oh shit. Oh god…Wait! I’m gonna… oh fuck!”
Will drew back, then looked up and quirked his eyebrow.
“Sorry. I didn’t mean to… fuck. I’m sorry.”
Licking his lips lazily Will moved up until he was lying by Liam’s side, head propped up on one hand. “’S all right. Happens to the best of us.” He grinned at Liam’s obvious embarrassment. “I knew I was good but…”
“I don’t think good is the right word. I’d say more in the lines of absolutely fucking fantastic. Too damn fantastic as it turns out.” He pouted. “This really wasn’t how I planned this.”
“Really?” Will suddenly felt cold. “You had plans?”
“What?” Liam looked at him and froze. “No! I mean… I hoped something would happen. Sometime. Not today of course. Well, maybe today but… I’ll just shut up now.”
“No, please continue. So in this plan of yours, was it like this or did you have me on my knees instead? Like last time.”
“No! I…”
Will stood up and started pulling on his boots angrily. “Or maybe you planned to get right to the fucking. In the churchyard maybe? Right next to the fresh grave. You like that kinky stuff, don’t you?”
“Will, stop. Listen to yourself.”
“I can hear myself perfectly. Stupid. So fucking stupid for thinking you had actually changed.”
He was reaching for the knob on the door when his shoulder was gripped in a vice and he swung around, the whole world going white before his eyes as he pushed and kicked in panic. He didn’t even register when he was released but kept on until he sank to the floor, his chest too tight, the air disappearing from his lunges.
“Will, deep breaths. Please. Fuck, I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. Will?”
…
“Will?”
He opened his eyes. His head hurt, his chest hurt and for some reason his right hand hurt really bad. He blinked until his vision cleared and realised he was lying on the floor, Liam crouching by his side. “What happened?”
“Oh thank god you’re all right. You scared the shit out of me.”
Slowly he sat up and closed his eyes to fight the nausea threatening to erupt. “I scared… what?”
“You passed out. It was my fault, I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have jumped you like that. Never learn, do I?”
“I passed out?” Confused he looked at his hand that was starting to swell and colour. “Why?”
“I think you had a panic attack. You couldn’t catch your breath. My fucking fault. I should have…” Liam looked away in shame. “I’m so sorry.”
“Stop saying that.” Will grunted and tried to get up but his head felt too dizzy. “Bloody broken record.”
“Sor… ok. Has that happened before?”
Will blinked. “Yeah. A few times. Can you help me up?”
“Sure.”
Liam stood up and that’s when Will realised he was naked except for his open shirt. Suddenly it all came back to him but instead of his earlier rage he felt embarrassed. God, what a pillock. Attacking the guy for a few simple words. He grabbed the hand offered to him and was pulled up to his wobbly feet. “Maybe I should lie down.”
“That might be a good idea.”
Liam helped him over to the bed and he lay down on the slightly damp cover. It smelled like Liam. And sex. He groaned.
“You all right? You want me to get you anything? You need a doctor?”
“No, no doctor. Some painkillers would be nice though. My head is killing me. And my hand. What the fuck happened to my hand?”
“You kinda hit me with it.” Liam rubbed his chin. “And then the wall, I think. Let me see.”
The big fingers were gentle and Will closed his eyes, thinking of what they could be doing to him if he hadn’t behaved like an arse. “Listen, I’m sorry. I was a wanker lashing out like that. Bloody stupid.”
Liam put the hand down. “We should put some ice on that. And I’ll get you painkillers from my room.” He paused by the door then looked over at Will where he lay on the bed. “Only plan I had was to make you like me.” Then he turned around and left Will staring after him, a heavy lump in his throat.
Feedback is very much appreciated. *hugs you all*
Continued in My Absence Of Faith