Fic: A Room of Our Own. A "Puzzle" timestamp. J2. NC-17 1/2
Title: A Room of Our Own (A timestamp for The Puzzle (That is Me))
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Meaning, NOT true. All right? All right.
Once again I make no claims to actually knowing what I'm talking about when it comes to Asperger's. Research and advice from wiser people only gets me so far. This is fiction and so will never fit perfectly to whatever personal knowledge and/or experience any of you may have. Then again, doesn't that apply to everything?
Warning: This verse explores what Jensen might be like if he had Asperger’s syndrom. Just so you know.
Wordcount: 11.950 words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jensen's mother comes to visit, bringing some things into light.
Author’s note: Another old fic I wrapped up. Read over by katy4650 who once again gave me invaluable insight and advice. Beta’d by candygramme. Thank you, girls!
He comes home and there’s a slender blond woman standing in their kitchen, sorting through their fridge. He’s not so much surprised as he is wary.
“Mrs. Ackles,” he says and she turns around, giving him a quick smile.
“Hello, Jared. I’ll be with you in a moment.” She throws a few things in the trash, closes the fridge and pulls off Jensen’s yellow rubber gloves before coming around the kitchen island, drying her hands on a kitchen towel. “So nice to finally meet you,” she says as she reaches out. “Jensen has told me so much about you.”
Jared can’t help blushing. Knowing Jensen, he probably gave her way more details than either of them cares for.
“You too,” he says, shaking her hand. She has a warm but tight grip, firm but not forceful. “He didn’t mention you were coming to visit.” The criticism is thinly veiled, and she cocks her head in a way that is so similar to Jensen it almost makes Jared smile.
“Believe me, Jared, I know my son. I wouldn’t drop in from over two thousand miles away without giving him a heads up. He’s known for over a month.” She’s still smiling but it looks resigned. “Every time I reminded him, he changed the subject and pretended not to hear me. Probably thinking that would make me drop the idea and stay home. Well, that didn’t happen, and now he’s sulking.”
Jared feels for her, but he’s more worried about Jensen. “Sulking” can mean anything from being annoyed to having been upset enough to have a meltdown. Which begs the question, why is Jensen so averse to his mother visiting? Yes, he doesn’t like his parents babying him, but it seems rather extreme to not even want to see them. From what Jared has gathered, Jensen loves his family, even when they annoy him. He likes talking to his parents on the phone, loves Skype-ing with Mac, and even exchanges emails with Josh on occasion.
As if she can see what he’s thinking, Jensen’s mother sighs and says, “He’s in his time-out place.” She grimaces. “Sorry, refuge. He hates when we call it time-out. It’s just what we used to call it when he was smaller and had his tantrums, but he’s right, it sounds like a place of punishment which is not what it is.” She goes back to the kitchen counter, reaching for the coffee maker. “You go talk to him, dear, and I’ll make us some coffee. That should help lure him out.”
“Right.” Jared hesitates. He usually leaves Jensen alone when he’s in the closet. He’s never felt wanted there, in fact he’s pretty sure Jensen goes there to be left alone. On the other hand, he wants Jensen to know he’s home, and that he’ll happily back Jensen up, if he needs him to.
“You should think about putting some pillows in there,” she adds and throws him a smile. “Make it more comfortable.”
Jared gives her a quick smile back and goes searching for Jensen, feeling annoyed with himself. Why hadn’t he thought of that? Jensen sometimes sits in there for hours. It must be hell on his back. He should have realized, made it more comfortable, the way Jensen’s parents have obviously done to his “refuge” back home.
Jared himself has never called it anything but a closet. Maybe that’s the problem: he’s never really thought about Jensen’s choice of hiding. Or thought of it as anything but hiding. But of course it’s not really hiding, not when Jared knows exactly where Jensen is. Refuge sounds about right. Or safe haven. Or maybe Fortress of Solitude, that would be kinda cool, even if he doubts Jensen will get the reference. The only superhero Jensen is even remotely interested in is Batman, which has something to do with Halloween when he was a kid, Jared has never really gotten the details.
Anyway, whatever he calls it, it’s not just a place for Jensen to disappear to, it’s a place he has chosen for a specific reason and purpose. And if Jared had actually taken the time to think about it, maybe he would have stopped seeing it as a closet and helped Jensen make it into a place of actual physical comfort.
Damn, now he feels guilty. It really is a special mom-power, invoking guilt with just a few words. He should know, his own mother is an expert. Jared sighs and quietly opens the door to the spare room. It’s dark in there, the closet is closed. Jared closes the door behind him and walks over to the closet, leaning in so Jensen will hear him without Jared having to raise his voice.
“Jensen? Hey. Just wanted to let you know I’m back. Your mom is making coffee. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”
There’s no answer and after a while he turns away. He’s got his hand on the door handle when he hears a shuffling sound from the closet and then the closet door creaks open, just a little. Jared smiles. He goes and crouches by the crack, peeking inside. He can see Jensen’s hands, clutching his raised knees, but his face is still hidden in the shadows. “We should probably get a second closet, big enough for the both of us,” Jared says, sitting down cross-legged on the floor.
“Why?” Jensen’s voice is hoarse, like he’s been shouting, or possibly crying. It makes Jared’s heart sting.
“Because right now I wouldn’t mind crawling in there with you. Your mom is scary, man. She’s cleaning our kitchen. Next thing you know she’ll be folding my underwear and throwing away our porn.”
“We don’t have any porn.” Jensen clears his throat. “You have porn? Why do you have porn?”
Jared laughs. “Well, not porn. Naked pictures I took of you. And possibly videos. Do you think she found those yet?”
That works. The door is pushed open, and Jensen peeks out at him, a puzzled look on his flushed face. “You have naked pictures of me? Since when?”
Jared frowns in thought. “Hmm, you’re right. I don’t actually have naked pictures of you. Why don’t I have naked pictures of you? We should rectify that.”
“Why?”
“So I can look at your pretty butt whenever I feel like it. Also, so I can sell them on the internet if this whole acting thing doesn’t pan out. People would pay good money to see your naked butt.”
He grins to show Jensen he’s joking, all ready to explain if Jensen doesn’t get it, but Jensen grins back and crawls out of the closet. “Good, because I didn’t really get much for the ones I sold of you.”
Jared gasps in mock outrage. “But I waxed and everything!”
Donna sighs in relief at the sound of suppressed giggling coming from the end of the hall. She must admit, she had been worried at first when Jensen announced that he and Jared were moving in together, and later that they were actually together. Of course she knew who Jared was. She’s always taken an active interest in all of her son's projects, which includes gathering information on the people Jensen will have to work the closest with. Plus, she'd had a long talk with Danneel as soon as Jensen told her about his new job, and Danneel had assured her that Jared was exactly what her son needed. Still, you never know. Especially with actors, it’s their job after all to play pretend. And nothing corrupts a person faster than the prospect of fame and fortune.
She should have known better than to voice any of those concerns to Jensen though. He'd already been annoyed with her for sticking to her plan of coming to visit. And for bringing him some new clothes. And for checking their fridge for food...
Okay, maybe he is right, maybe she can be a bit intrusive, but it's not as if he will ever stop being her baby. No matter how old and grown up he gets. She is the same with his siblings ... Well, maybe not quite the same but then again, it is different. He is different. And that will never change either. She has every right to worry. Which, fine, perhaps doesn't give her the right to interfere, but she can't just stand by and watch him get hurt. What kind of mother would that make her?
The apartment has gone quiet and she suddenly realizes she's straining her ears, listening for clues on what the boys are doing. She turns away, cheeks reddening. That's another thing a mother can never get used to, that's for sure. She wants to believe that she feels the same regarding all her children’s love life, but she knows that’s not true. She will never say or do anything, never even give a hint if she can help it, but the truth is that her son being gay is something she has always wished she could change.
It's not a question of religion, or sin, or even feeling prudish about the practical part of it. She loves her children more than she loves God - a surprising fact she'd accepted the moment her first child was born. And the sex... well, sex is messy, whichever way you do it. It’s just… Of all her children, why did it have to be Jensen?
Growing up a girl it had been imprinted on her from an early age how dangerous men can be. She has, thankfully, never experienced anything she couldn't handle herself, although there had been plenty of times she’d felt vulnerable or threatened, and enough incidents, concerning girls and women close to her, to prove her mother right. Her fears had reached new and much more terrifying levels after she had a daughter of her own. But she had never expected to have to extend that worry to her sons. At least not once they were grown up.
But Jensen is just so... beautiful. As a boy his face had been angelic, the features even more delicate than her daughter's. So, of course she had been worried that someone would take an unhealthy liking to him, back then. A sweet, naive, innocent boy... there are horrible people out there and even if she sometimes wished she could just lock him up in the safety of their home, all she could really do, until he was old enough to escape their interest, was try and make sure he understood the dangers.
She'd never anticipated that he’d be the one seeking men’s interest, putting himself willingly in their hands. It is one thing a girl treating him badly - of course there was always a chance of that - but with men ... the possibilities are so much more terrifying.
Thankfully - or maybe not, all things considered - Jensen has never been secretive when it comes to his sexual experiences. Oversharing is a word that barely covers his enthusiasm. She's not a prude but there are limits to how much she really needs to know about anal sex, or her son’s sex life in general. And hearing her son being intimate with his boyfriend is definitely outside her comfort zone.
She looks up as Jared enters the kitchen, his cheeks a little flushed and the face contorted by a badly suppressed grin. "He'll be out in a minute," he says. “Just freshening up.” The color in his cheeks deepens and he hurries to adds, “From being in the closet, not..."He stops, giving up. “He's just brushing his hair.”
She has to suppress a smile of her own at his blundering awkwardness. “Good. Why don’t you find us some cups for the coffee?”
She watches him from the corner of her eye as he moves with ease around the kitchen, fetching mugs from the cupboard, a bowl of sugar from the kitchen bench, and milk from the fridge. He is so tall he looms over her, but his movements are careful, considered, making sure never to brush against her or to make her feel crowded. And yet she can see how unsure he is feeling, like he’s waiting for her to condemn him. For being gay or for his relationship with her son, either or both, she’s not sure.
He doesn’t set the kitchen table, like she anticipated, but carries everything with ease into the living room, long fingers balancing mugs, sugar and milk while she follows with the coffee. She’s about to sit down on the couch when Jensen walks in and snaps, “Jared sits there.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” Jared starts, but Jensen is shaking his head, jaw clenched, so she smiles and moves over to the comfy chair instead. Jensen’s eyes are still a bit red around the edges, and she feels a sting of guilt. It’s not as if she upset him on purpose. She was just being concerned. It’s what mothers do.
Once they’re sat on the couch, Jensen practically glues himself to Jared’s side, putting a possessive hand on Jared’s thigh. She must say it surprises her. He’s never been much for close casual contact. From the look on Jared’s face, he seems a bit surprised as well, glancing at Jensen before reaching out to lay his arm cautiously over Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen takes a deep breath, but he doesn’t flinch or move away. After a while he even seems to lean into Jared a bit.
“This is a really nice place you’ve got here,” she says to break the silence. She almost adds, “Could do with a bit of cleaning,” but stops herself at the last second. “They obviously take good care of you.”
Jensen visibly tenses. “We take care of ourselves,” he says irritated. “We’re adults. Jared is twenty-four. We don’t need babysitters. We’re adults.”
“Jensen,” Jared reproaches him mildly but she shakes her head, letting him know she doesn’t mind.
“I meant they obviously made sure you had a nice place to stay in because they value you and the good work you’re doing,” she says patiently. “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear.”
Jensen huffs but her words seem to mollify him. “We do do good work,” he acknowledges.
Jared nudges him. “You said do-do,” he says with a smirk and Jensen’s sour face instantly melts into a delighted grin.
“Do-do,” he repeats, and Jared almost snorts coffee out of his nose. Jensen breaks into laughter, losing it to the point of throwing his head back in mirth.
Donna’s jaw almost drops. Oh. So this is what Danneel was talking about.
They keep to small talk, which Jensen is horrible at, so he leaves it mostly to Jared, only commenting when needed. Like when his mother asks Jared if his parents have been up to visit, Jensen quickly changes the subject, asking her how her trip was. She looks slightly surprised, probably because it’s not something he’s usually interested in. Once a trip is over and done with, it won’t change and isn’t really of interest to anyone but the one who experienced it. On the other hand, he considers as he listens to his mother complain about the long flight, if the trip was bad enough it might keep her from travelling all the way up here again. Which would be a good thing.
Jensen loves his mother. He loves his whole family, even when they’re being overbearing and incredibly annoying. He just loves them more when they’re back home in Texas. At least there, in his childhood home, he’s used to being treated like a child. His recent twenty-ninth birthday should have alerted his parents to the fact that he is not a child, but it seems that no matter how old he gets, or how successful, or how socially adept, they keep seeing him as a kid. In their eyes he is obviously less than his siblings, unequal, even to Mac who is only twenty-two! He’s always going to be their weird, embarrassing, socially awkward, retard brother. (Josh apologized right away, after their mother slapped him, only time she ever did, and Jensen said it was okay, that he understood, but he didn’t and it wasn’t, it still isn’t, it never will be, ever.)
Jared’s arm tightens around Jensen’s shoulders, and he looks up to find his mother watching him with a concerned frown. He takes stock, noting his more rapid breathing, the slight flush to his face, and the cramp in his hand, squeezing Jared’s knee so hard it must hurt. He hadn’t even noticed himself getting angry, and by now it’s gotten such a hold of him, he’s fuming.
“Sweetie?” his mother says, leaning forward.
“Why are you here?” he snaps. “I told you I didn’t want you here. You didn’t listen. You never listen. I don’t need you. We don’t need you. We’re doing fine without you. We’re adults. I’m an adult. Go home.”
“Jensen! Dude, calm down.”
Jared looks embarrassed or maybe disappointed. Jensen can’t tell. He doesn’t really care. Jared is supposed to be on his side. He’s doing this for him, can’t Jared see that? She’s butting in, like she always does. Trying to prove to him that he can’t take care of himself, that he’s incompetent, that he should move back home and be their little boy for fucking always, because he’s too weird, too wrong to be an adult, to be in a relationship, to have Jared. Jensen’s doing this for him! Why can’t Jared see that?
“Don’t tell me to calm down!” he hisses before turning back to his mother. “I’m not a child. Not here, not here. This is our home. Our home!”
“Jensen,” Jared says again, but Jensen’s mother waves her hand, and Jared stops. Like it’s hers to decide whether Jared talks or not. In his own home! It makes Jensen see red.
“This is our home,” he repeats, voice rising. “Not yours! You can’t treat me like a child in my own goddamn home! ”
“I’m not, sweetie,” she says calmly. “I wasn’t saying anything. We were talking about the weather. Why are you suddenly so upset?”
“I’m a grownup here! You can’t just come here, into our home - Our home! - and be my mother!”
“But I’m always your mother,” she says, looking confused. “What are you-” She stops, blinking slowly. “Oh.”
“Mrs. Ackles, he’s just…” Jared starts but she shakes her head.
“No, he’s right.” She smiles. “I’m sorry. Of course. You’re absolutely right, Jensen. I should have known better, I just didn’t think.” She picks up her purse and gets to her feet. “I’m staying at the same hotel as last time. Would you like to join me for dinner tonight? Both of you. You can pick the place.”
Jared stands up as well, looking absolutely bewildered. “That would be nice, Mrs. Ackles, but you really don’t have to go. Jensen, please, tell her.”
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t really want her to leave but he doesn’t want her to be here, either. “We were going to have pizza.”
“And we still can,” Jared says firmly, “just at a restaurant instead. How about that Italian place we drove by yesterday? You agreed we could try that someday.”
“Someday,” Jensen points out. “Not today.”
“Today is someday, Jensen. Every day is someday.”
Jensen has to grudgingly admit that Jared is right. “I won’t wear a tie.”
His mother leans over and kisses him on the cheek. “Why should you? There’s no reason,” she adds when he opens his mouth to list all the reasons he might be required to. “Maybe tomorrow, if you’d like, we can go for a walk or even a drive. I would love to see a bit more of Vancouver. We’ve never really gone sight-seeing.”
“Because you’d rather take me shopping for clothes. And tidy up my place. And clean my fridge. And teach me how to be normal.”
She looks stunned. “I guess,” she says finally. “But now I know better.”
Jensen nods. “Okay. Good.”
He stays sitting while Jared walks her to the door. He can hear them talking, Jared’s low murmur, his mother’s voice brighter, but wavering a little. Jensen drums his fingers on his knees. He feels guilty, and he’s not sure why. It’s not his fault she came to visit. It’s not his fault she is behaving like his mother, here, where he’s not a child. She said it herself, she should have known better, and now she does. This time he was the one to teach her how to behave. If anything, he should be proud. So why does he feel so bad?
He hears the door closing, and after a moment Jared comes in to sit beside him on the couch. He doesn’t look angry, more hesitant, like he’s trying to decide what to say. Finally, he sighs and leans over, kissing Jensen on the temple before taking his hand.
“She tried to explain, but I’m not sure I get it,” he says. “Is this like when you didn’t want Danneel on set with you when we were filming the pilot? Is it the wrong script?”
Jensen looks at him indignant and, frankly, a little alarmed. “Our life is not a script. My life in Texas is not a script. Our life here is not a script!”
“No, of course not,” Jared says quickly. “But is it that you don’t feel she belongs here, in Vancouver?”
Jensen shakes his head. “She was being my mother. She’s not my mother. Not here.” Jared still looks confused, so Jensen elaborates, “In Texas they are my parents, I’m their son. I’m Josh’s and Mac’s brother. When I’m here, I’m Jensen. I’m an adult. I’m an actor. I’m your boyfriend. She comes here, into our home, and she thinks I’m her son. But I’m not. Not here. Here, I’m a person.”
Jared’s eyebrows do that thing they do when he’s thinking really hard. “I think I get it,” he finally says. “It’s one thing them treating you like a kid back home, it’s another doing it in your home. Our home.”
“Yes,” Jensen says, relieved. He was starting to worry Jared might be coming down with something, because Jared is usually very smart. Not as smart as him, but still. Smarter than most people.
“Okay. I get that. All parents do that though. Treat their grown-up kids like they’re still children, especially when they’re at home. But I guess maybe yours are a bit more extreme in that regard.”
“Because I’m weird,” Jensen grits out between his teeth.
“Because you are different than most people,” Jared rectifies. “But you’re not as different as they think you are. I mean, you’re not different in a way that makes you less of an adult. I think maybe they forget that sometimes.”
“They can’t forget something they don’t agree with,” Jensen huffs.
“They know you’re an adult, I think they just have a hard time accepting it. For the record, they probably have just as hard a time seeing Mac as an adult, because she’s the youngest. I’m guessing Josh has it the easiest because he’s, well, statistically speaking, safest.”
Jensen frowns. That makes no sense. If anything their parents were more at risk screwing up Josh’s upbringing, having no experience to build on. At least with him and Mac, they had presumably learned from their worst mistakes, even if they kept making new ones. “Because he’s the oldest?”
“And male and straight. And… neurotypical. But I bet your mom still sometimes treats him as a kid. Just like mine does with Jeff.”
Jensen thinks about that for a moment. It is true that their mother sometimes chastens Josh for not closing his mouth when he’s chewing. And for not eating his vegetables. And last Christmas she gave him a gym membership because she didn’t think he was looking after himself. Which was true, Josh had put on at least ten pounds since Jensen saw him last. So maybe it isn’t just Jensen, although he’s definitely getting a harder deal than Mac and Josh put together.
“Was I rude?” he finally asks, trying to pinpoint why he still feels guilty.
Jared looks conflicted for a moment then nods. “Yes. But so was she. She should have tried harder to understand why you didn’t want her to come visit, not just decide you were being difficult and come anyway. But I get why she wanted to. You haven’t been home in a while. I’m guessing she missed you. And maybe she wanted to get to know me.”
“Why?” Jensen asks bewildered. “I’ve already told her everything there is to know about you.”
Jared flushes red for some reason. “Yeah, I bet. Thanks for that. But you’re not exactly impartial. For all she knows you might be too dazzled by my magnificent dick to form an enlightened opinion.” He grins when Jensen nods thoughtfully, acknowledging the possibility. Jared’s dick really is magnificent. Not enough to make Jensen stupid, but certainly distracted, at times. “Maybe she wanted to see for herself.”
“But you’re for me, not her,” Jensen argues. “What she thinks doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t it?” Jared asks, smiling a little. “I think maybe you were worried she wouldn’t like me. That she’d want to decide for you whether this is a good relationship or not. Maybe that’s partly why you didn’t want her to come.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything. Not because Jared is right, but because he’s not entirely wrong. He had been worried. Still is. Not about them not liking Jared. Everyone likes Jared, Jared is extremely likable - unlike Jensen himself who most people seem to shy away from. But…
He remembers when he first came out. Remembers being told to hide it. To not hold hands with boys or kiss them where anyone could see. Not because being gay was wrong, they’d assured him, his dad’s right eye twitching a bit, but because it was dangerous. Being gay was dangerous. Especially in Texas. In Texas being gay got you killed. That’s what Dad told him.
Josh and Mac went on dates, went to prom, went swimming and to the movies with their respective girlfriends and boyfriends, and no one said anything. Jensen sometimes watched them linger outside, on the porch, whispering and kissing, even making out before saying goodbye and slipping inside, blushing when they met their parents’ teasing grins. But not Jensen. Jensen never went on dates, to the movies or to prom, never held hands with anyone in the streets, never kissed anyone except behind locked doors, just as he’d been told.
So yes, maybe he’s been worried that they’ll tell Jared that he can’t kiss Jensen, can’t hold his hand, can’t go out to dinner. Not even here, in Canada, where being gay is clearly not as dangerous as it is in Texas. He’s seen same sex couples holding hands in the streets, even kiss and make out, many times. He and Jared obviously can’t, not in public, even in Canada, but not because it’s dangerous, but because famous people can’t be gay if they want to work. Still, if they were not actors, if they were just two men no one cared about, they could do all these things here. And he doesn’t want his parents scaring Jared into thinking they can’t. Having Jared as his boyfriend beats every odds in the book. He’s not going to let his parents jeopardize that. Unlike he told Jared once, his survival might actually depend on Jared’s presence. Because if Jared left him… what would be the point of anything?
“You’re getting tense again,” Jared says, giving Jensen’s hand a light squeeze before letting go and shuffling a few inches away. “Better?”
“I’m not tense about you being close,” Jensen tells him, even if he appreciates the added breathing space. “I was thinking about you leaving me.”
“Oh.” Jared looks a bit worried. “Why was I leaving you this time?”
“It’s not important,” Jensen lies quickly. He doesn’t want to give Jared ideas. “Can we have sex now?”
Jared smiles, even if Jensen can see worry lingering in the curve of his eyebrows. “Anytime,” he says, and for once Jensen doesn’t bother pointing out that that’s not true, like if his mother was still there, they would definitely not be having sex. Not on the couch at least. He just stands up and walks into the bedroom, smiling at the sound of Jared jumping to his feet and hurrying after him.
Continued in part 2.
Author: felisblanco
Pairing: Jensen/Jared
Disclaimer: This is fiction. Meaning, NOT true. All right? All right.
Once again I make no claims to actually knowing what I'm talking about when it comes to Asperger's. Research and advice from wiser people only gets me so far. This is fiction and so will never fit perfectly to whatever personal knowledge and/or experience any of you may have. Then again, doesn't that apply to everything?
Warning: This verse explores what Jensen might be like if he had Asperger’s syndrom. Just so you know.
Wordcount: 11.950 words
Rating: NC-17
Summary: Jensen's mother comes to visit, bringing some things into light.
Author’s note: Another old fic I wrapped up. Read over by katy4650 who once again gave me invaluable insight and advice. Beta’d by candygramme. Thank you, girls!
He comes home and there’s a slender blond woman standing in their kitchen, sorting through their fridge. He’s not so much surprised as he is wary.
“Mrs. Ackles,” he says and she turns around, giving him a quick smile.
“Hello, Jared. I’ll be with you in a moment.” She throws a few things in the trash, closes the fridge and pulls off Jensen’s yellow rubber gloves before coming around the kitchen island, drying her hands on a kitchen towel. “So nice to finally meet you,” she says as she reaches out. “Jensen has told me so much about you.”
Jared can’t help blushing. Knowing Jensen, he probably gave her way more details than either of them cares for.
“You too,” he says, shaking her hand. She has a warm but tight grip, firm but not forceful. “He didn’t mention you were coming to visit.” The criticism is thinly veiled, and she cocks her head in a way that is so similar to Jensen it almost makes Jared smile.
“Believe me, Jared, I know my son. I wouldn’t drop in from over two thousand miles away without giving him a heads up. He’s known for over a month.” She’s still smiling but it looks resigned. “Every time I reminded him, he changed the subject and pretended not to hear me. Probably thinking that would make me drop the idea and stay home. Well, that didn’t happen, and now he’s sulking.”
Jared feels for her, but he’s more worried about Jensen. “Sulking” can mean anything from being annoyed to having been upset enough to have a meltdown. Which begs the question, why is Jensen so averse to his mother visiting? Yes, he doesn’t like his parents babying him, but it seems rather extreme to not even want to see them. From what Jared has gathered, Jensen loves his family, even when they annoy him. He likes talking to his parents on the phone, loves Skype-ing with Mac, and even exchanges emails with Josh on occasion.
As if she can see what he’s thinking, Jensen’s mother sighs and says, “He’s in his time-out place.” She grimaces. “Sorry, refuge. He hates when we call it time-out. It’s just what we used to call it when he was smaller and had his tantrums, but he’s right, it sounds like a place of punishment which is not what it is.” She goes back to the kitchen counter, reaching for the coffee maker. “You go talk to him, dear, and I’ll make us some coffee. That should help lure him out.”
“Right.” Jared hesitates. He usually leaves Jensen alone when he’s in the closet. He’s never felt wanted there, in fact he’s pretty sure Jensen goes there to be left alone. On the other hand, he wants Jensen to know he’s home, and that he’ll happily back Jensen up, if he needs him to.
“You should think about putting some pillows in there,” she adds and throws him a smile. “Make it more comfortable.”
Jared gives her a quick smile back and goes searching for Jensen, feeling annoyed with himself. Why hadn’t he thought of that? Jensen sometimes sits in there for hours. It must be hell on his back. He should have realized, made it more comfortable, the way Jensen’s parents have obviously done to his “refuge” back home.
Jared himself has never called it anything but a closet. Maybe that’s the problem: he’s never really thought about Jensen’s choice of hiding. Or thought of it as anything but hiding. But of course it’s not really hiding, not when Jared knows exactly where Jensen is. Refuge sounds about right. Or safe haven. Or maybe Fortress of Solitude, that would be kinda cool, even if he doubts Jensen will get the reference. The only superhero Jensen is even remotely interested in is Batman, which has something to do with Halloween when he was a kid, Jared has never really gotten the details.
Anyway, whatever he calls it, it’s not just a place for Jensen to disappear to, it’s a place he has chosen for a specific reason and purpose. And if Jared had actually taken the time to think about it, maybe he would have stopped seeing it as a closet and helped Jensen make it into a place of actual physical comfort.
Damn, now he feels guilty. It really is a special mom-power, invoking guilt with just a few words. He should know, his own mother is an expert. Jared sighs and quietly opens the door to the spare room. It’s dark in there, the closet is closed. Jared closes the door behind him and walks over to the closet, leaning in so Jensen will hear him without Jared having to raise his voice.
“Jensen? Hey. Just wanted to let you know I’m back. Your mom is making coffee. I’ll let you know when it’s ready.”
There’s no answer and after a while he turns away. He’s got his hand on the door handle when he hears a shuffling sound from the closet and then the closet door creaks open, just a little. Jared smiles. He goes and crouches by the crack, peeking inside. He can see Jensen’s hands, clutching his raised knees, but his face is still hidden in the shadows. “We should probably get a second closet, big enough for the both of us,” Jared says, sitting down cross-legged on the floor.
“Why?” Jensen’s voice is hoarse, like he’s been shouting, or possibly crying. It makes Jared’s heart sting.
“Because right now I wouldn’t mind crawling in there with you. Your mom is scary, man. She’s cleaning our kitchen. Next thing you know she’ll be folding my underwear and throwing away our porn.”
“We don’t have any porn.” Jensen clears his throat. “You have porn? Why do you have porn?”
Jared laughs. “Well, not porn. Naked pictures I took of you. And possibly videos. Do you think she found those yet?”
That works. The door is pushed open, and Jensen peeks out at him, a puzzled look on his flushed face. “You have naked pictures of me? Since when?”
Jared frowns in thought. “Hmm, you’re right. I don’t actually have naked pictures of you. Why don’t I have naked pictures of you? We should rectify that.”
“Why?”
“So I can look at your pretty butt whenever I feel like it. Also, so I can sell them on the internet if this whole acting thing doesn’t pan out. People would pay good money to see your naked butt.”
He grins to show Jensen he’s joking, all ready to explain if Jensen doesn’t get it, but Jensen grins back and crawls out of the closet. “Good, because I didn’t really get much for the ones I sold of you.”
Jared gasps in mock outrage. “But I waxed and everything!”
Donna sighs in relief at the sound of suppressed giggling coming from the end of the hall. She must admit, she had been worried at first when Jensen announced that he and Jared were moving in together, and later that they were actually together. Of course she knew who Jared was. She’s always taken an active interest in all of her son's projects, which includes gathering information on the people Jensen will have to work the closest with. Plus, she'd had a long talk with Danneel as soon as Jensen told her about his new job, and Danneel had assured her that Jared was exactly what her son needed. Still, you never know. Especially with actors, it’s their job after all to play pretend. And nothing corrupts a person faster than the prospect of fame and fortune.
She should have known better than to voice any of those concerns to Jensen though. He'd already been annoyed with her for sticking to her plan of coming to visit. And for bringing him some new clothes. And for checking their fridge for food...
Okay, maybe he is right, maybe she can be a bit intrusive, but it's not as if he will ever stop being her baby. No matter how old and grown up he gets. She is the same with his siblings ... Well, maybe not quite the same but then again, it is different. He is different. And that will never change either. She has every right to worry. Which, fine, perhaps doesn't give her the right to interfere, but she can't just stand by and watch him get hurt. What kind of mother would that make her?
The apartment has gone quiet and she suddenly realizes she's straining her ears, listening for clues on what the boys are doing. She turns away, cheeks reddening. That's another thing a mother can never get used to, that's for sure. She wants to believe that she feels the same regarding all her children’s love life, but she knows that’s not true. She will never say or do anything, never even give a hint if she can help it, but the truth is that her son being gay is something she has always wished she could change.
It's not a question of religion, or sin, or even feeling prudish about the practical part of it. She loves her children more than she loves God - a surprising fact she'd accepted the moment her first child was born. And the sex... well, sex is messy, whichever way you do it. It’s just… Of all her children, why did it have to be Jensen?
Growing up a girl it had been imprinted on her from an early age how dangerous men can be. She has, thankfully, never experienced anything she couldn't handle herself, although there had been plenty of times she’d felt vulnerable or threatened, and enough incidents, concerning girls and women close to her, to prove her mother right. Her fears had reached new and much more terrifying levels after she had a daughter of her own. But she had never expected to have to extend that worry to her sons. At least not once they were grown up.
But Jensen is just so... beautiful. As a boy his face had been angelic, the features even more delicate than her daughter's. So, of course she had been worried that someone would take an unhealthy liking to him, back then. A sweet, naive, innocent boy... there are horrible people out there and even if she sometimes wished she could just lock him up in the safety of their home, all she could really do, until he was old enough to escape their interest, was try and make sure he understood the dangers.
She'd never anticipated that he’d be the one seeking men’s interest, putting himself willingly in their hands. It is one thing a girl treating him badly - of course there was always a chance of that - but with men ... the possibilities are so much more terrifying.
Thankfully - or maybe not, all things considered - Jensen has never been secretive when it comes to his sexual experiences. Oversharing is a word that barely covers his enthusiasm. She's not a prude but there are limits to how much she really needs to know about anal sex, or her son’s sex life in general. And hearing her son being intimate with his boyfriend is definitely outside her comfort zone.
She looks up as Jared enters the kitchen, his cheeks a little flushed and the face contorted by a badly suppressed grin. "He'll be out in a minute," he says. “Just freshening up.” The color in his cheeks deepens and he hurries to adds, “From being in the closet, not..."He stops, giving up. “He's just brushing his hair.”
She has to suppress a smile of her own at his blundering awkwardness. “Good. Why don’t you find us some cups for the coffee?”
She watches him from the corner of her eye as he moves with ease around the kitchen, fetching mugs from the cupboard, a bowl of sugar from the kitchen bench, and milk from the fridge. He is so tall he looms over her, but his movements are careful, considered, making sure never to brush against her or to make her feel crowded. And yet she can see how unsure he is feeling, like he’s waiting for her to condemn him. For being gay or for his relationship with her son, either or both, she’s not sure.
He doesn’t set the kitchen table, like she anticipated, but carries everything with ease into the living room, long fingers balancing mugs, sugar and milk while she follows with the coffee. She’s about to sit down on the couch when Jensen walks in and snaps, “Jared sits there.”
“Oh, it’s okay,” Jared starts, but Jensen is shaking his head, jaw clenched, so she smiles and moves over to the comfy chair instead. Jensen’s eyes are still a bit red around the edges, and she feels a sting of guilt. It’s not as if she upset him on purpose. She was just being concerned. It’s what mothers do.
Once they’re sat on the couch, Jensen practically glues himself to Jared’s side, putting a possessive hand on Jared’s thigh. She must say it surprises her. He’s never been much for close casual contact. From the look on Jared’s face, he seems a bit surprised as well, glancing at Jensen before reaching out to lay his arm cautiously over Jensen’s shoulders. Jensen takes a deep breath, but he doesn’t flinch or move away. After a while he even seems to lean into Jared a bit.
“This is a really nice place you’ve got here,” she says to break the silence. She almost adds, “Could do with a bit of cleaning,” but stops herself at the last second. “They obviously take good care of you.”
Jensen visibly tenses. “We take care of ourselves,” he says irritated. “We’re adults. Jared is twenty-four. We don’t need babysitters. We’re adults.”
“Jensen,” Jared reproaches him mildly but she shakes her head, letting him know she doesn’t mind.
“I meant they obviously made sure you had a nice place to stay in because they value you and the good work you’re doing,” she says patiently. “I’m sorry I wasn’t clear.”
Jensen huffs but her words seem to mollify him. “We do do good work,” he acknowledges.
Jared nudges him. “You said do-do,” he says with a smirk and Jensen’s sour face instantly melts into a delighted grin.
“Do-do,” he repeats, and Jared almost snorts coffee out of his nose. Jensen breaks into laughter, losing it to the point of throwing his head back in mirth.
Donna’s jaw almost drops. Oh. So this is what Danneel was talking about.
They keep to small talk, which Jensen is horrible at, so he leaves it mostly to Jared, only commenting when needed. Like when his mother asks Jared if his parents have been up to visit, Jensen quickly changes the subject, asking her how her trip was. She looks slightly surprised, probably because it’s not something he’s usually interested in. Once a trip is over and done with, it won’t change and isn’t really of interest to anyone but the one who experienced it. On the other hand, he considers as he listens to his mother complain about the long flight, if the trip was bad enough it might keep her from travelling all the way up here again. Which would be a good thing.
Jensen loves his mother. He loves his whole family, even when they’re being overbearing and incredibly annoying. He just loves them more when they’re back home in Texas. At least there, in his childhood home, he’s used to being treated like a child. His recent twenty-ninth birthday should have alerted his parents to the fact that he is not a child, but it seems that no matter how old he gets, or how successful, or how socially adept, they keep seeing him as a kid. In their eyes he is obviously less than his siblings, unequal, even to Mac who is only twenty-two! He’s always going to be their weird, embarrassing, socially awkward, retard brother. (Josh apologized right away, after their mother slapped him, only time she ever did, and Jensen said it was okay, that he understood, but he didn’t and it wasn’t, it still isn’t, it never will be, ever.)
Jared’s arm tightens around Jensen’s shoulders, and he looks up to find his mother watching him with a concerned frown. He takes stock, noting his more rapid breathing, the slight flush to his face, and the cramp in his hand, squeezing Jared’s knee so hard it must hurt. He hadn’t even noticed himself getting angry, and by now it’s gotten such a hold of him, he’s fuming.
“Sweetie?” his mother says, leaning forward.
“Why are you here?” he snaps. “I told you I didn’t want you here. You didn’t listen. You never listen. I don’t need you. We don’t need you. We’re doing fine without you. We’re adults. I’m an adult. Go home.”
“Jensen! Dude, calm down.”
Jared looks embarrassed or maybe disappointed. Jensen can’t tell. He doesn’t really care. Jared is supposed to be on his side. He’s doing this for him, can’t Jared see that? She’s butting in, like she always does. Trying to prove to him that he can’t take care of himself, that he’s incompetent, that he should move back home and be their little boy for fucking always, because he’s too weird, too wrong to be an adult, to be in a relationship, to have Jared. Jensen’s doing this for him! Why can’t Jared see that?
“Don’t tell me to calm down!” he hisses before turning back to his mother. “I’m not a child. Not here, not here. This is our home. Our home!”
“Jensen,” Jared says again, but Jensen’s mother waves her hand, and Jared stops. Like it’s hers to decide whether Jared talks or not. In his own home! It makes Jensen see red.
“This is our home,” he repeats, voice rising. “Not yours! You can’t treat me like a child in my own goddamn home! ”
“I’m not, sweetie,” she says calmly. “I wasn’t saying anything. We were talking about the weather. Why are you suddenly so upset?”
“I’m a grownup here! You can’t just come here, into our home - Our home! - and be my mother!”
“But I’m always your mother,” she says, looking confused. “What are you-” She stops, blinking slowly. “Oh.”
“Mrs. Ackles, he’s just…” Jared starts but she shakes her head.
“No, he’s right.” She smiles. “I’m sorry. Of course. You’re absolutely right, Jensen. I should have known better, I just didn’t think.” She picks up her purse and gets to her feet. “I’m staying at the same hotel as last time. Would you like to join me for dinner tonight? Both of you. You can pick the place.”
Jared stands up as well, looking absolutely bewildered. “That would be nice, Mrs. Ackles, but you really don’t have to go. Jensen, please, tell her.”
Jensen shakes his head. He doesn’t really want her to leave but he doesn’t want her to be here, either. “We were going to have pizza.”
“And we still can,” Jared says firmly, “just at a restaurant instead. How about that Italian place we drove by yesterday? You agreed we could try that someday.”
“Someday,” Jensen points out. “Not today.”
“Today is someday, Jensen. Every day is someday.”
Jensen has to grudgingly admit that Jared is right. “I won’t wear a tie.”
His mother leans over and kisses him on the cheek. “Why should you? There’s no reason,” she adds when he opens his mouth to list all the reasons he might be required to. “Maybe tomorrow, if you’d like, we can go for a walk or even a drive. I would love to see a bit more of Vancouver. We’ve never really gone sight-seeing.”
“Because you’d rather take me shopping for clothes. And tidy up my place. And clean my fridge. And teach me how to be normal.”
She looks stunned. “I guess,” she says finally. “But now I know better.”
Jensen nods. “Okay. Good.”
He stays sitting while Jared walks her to the door. He can hear them talking, Jared’s low murmur, his mother’s voice brighter, but wavering a little. Jensen drums his fingers on his knees. He feels guilty, and he’s not sure why. It’s not his fault she came to visit. It’s not his fault she is behaving like his mother, here, where he’s not a child. She said it herself, she should have known better, and now she does. This time he was the one to teach her how to behave. If anything, he should be proud. So why does he feel so bad?
He hears the door closing, and after a moment Jared comes in to sit beside him on the couch. He doesn’t look angry, more hesitant, like he’s trying to decide what to say. Finally, he sighs and leans over, kissing Jensen on the temple before taking his hand.
“She tried to explain, but I’m not sure I get it,” he says. “Is this like when you didn’t want Danneel on set with you when we were filming the pilot? Is it the wrong script?”
Jensen looks at him indignant and, frankly, a little alarmed. “Our life is not a script. My life in Texas is not a script. Our life here is not a script!”
“No, of course not,” Jared says quickly. “But is it that you don’t feel she belongs here, in Vancouver?”
Jensen shakes his head. “She was being my mother. She’s not my mother. Not here.” Jared still looks confused, so Jensen elaborates, “In Texas they are my parents, I’m their son. I’m Josh’s and Mac’s brother. When I’m here, I’m Jensen. I’m an adult. I’m an actor. I’m your boyfriend. She comes here, into our home, and she thinks I’m her son. But I’m not. Not here. Here, I’m a person.”
Jared’s eyebrows do that thing they do when he’s thinking really hard. “I think I get it,” he finally says. “It’s one thing them treating you like a kid back home, it’s another doing it in your home. Our home.”
“Yes,” Jensen says, relieved. He was starting to worry Jared might be coming down with something, because Jared is usually very smart. Not as smart as him, but still. Smarter than most people.
“Okay. I get that. All parents do that though. Treat their grown-up kids like they’re still children, especially when they’re at home. But I guess maybe yours are a bit more extreme in that regard.”
“Because I’m weird,” Jensen grits out between his teeth.
“Because you are different than most people,” Jared rectifies. “But you’re not as different as they think you are. I mean, you’re not different in a way that makes you less of an adult. I think maybe they forget that sometimes.”
“They can’t forget something they don’t agree with,” Jensen huffs.
“They know you’re an adult, I think they just have a hard time accepting it. For the record, they probably have just as hard a time seeing Mac as an adult, because she’s the youngest. I’m guessing Josh has it the easiest because he’s, well, statistically speaking, safest.”
Jensen frowns. That makes no sense. If anything their parents were more at risk screwing up Josh’s upbringing, having no experience to build on. At least with him and Mac, they had presumably learned from their worst mistakes, even if they kept making new ones. “Because he’s the oldest?”
“And male and straight. And… neurotypical. But I bet your mom still sometimes treats him as a kid. Just like mine does with Jeff.”
Jensen thinks about that for a moment. It is true that their mother sometimes chastens Josh for not closing his mouth when he’s chewing. And for not eating his vegetables. And last Christmas she gave him a gym membership because she didn’t think he was looking after himself. Which was true, Josh had put on at least ten pounds since Jensen saw him last. So maybe it isn’t just Jensen, although he’s definitely getting a harder deal than Mac and Josh put together.
“Was I rude?” he finally asks, trying to pinpoint why he still feels guilty.
Jared looks conflicted for a moment then nods. “Yes. But so was she. She should have tried harder to understand why you didn’t want her to come visit, not just decide you were being difficult and come anyway. But I get why she wanted to. You haven’t been home in a while. I’m guessing she missed you. And maybe she wanted to get to know me.”
“Why?” Jensen asks bewildered. “I’ve already told her everything there is to know about you.”
Jared flushes red for some reason. “Yeah, I bet. Thanks for that. But you’re not exactly impartial. For all she knows you might be too dazzled by my magnificent dick to form an enlightened opinion.” He grins when Jensen nods thoughtfully, acknowledging the possibility. Jared’s dick really is magnificent. Not enough to make Jensen stupid, but certainly distracted, at times. “Maybe she wanted to see for herself.”
“But you’re for me, not her,” Jensen argues. “What she thinks doesn’t matter.”
“Doesn’t it?” Jared asks, smiling a little. “I think maybe you were worried she wouldn’t like me. That she’d want to decide for you whether this is a good relationship or not. Maybe that’s partly why you didn’t want her to come.”
Jensen doesn’t say anything. Not because Jared is right, but because he’s not entirely wrong. He had been worried. Still is. Not about them not liking Jared. Everyone likes Jared, Jared is extremely likable - unlike Jensen himself who most people seem to shy away from. But…
He remembers when he first came out. Remembers being told to hide it. To not hold hands with boys or kiss them where anyone could see. Not because being gay was wrong, they’d assured him, his dad’s right eye twitching a bit, but because it was dangerous. Being gay was dangerous. Especially in Texas. In Texas being gay got you killed. That’s what Dad told him.
Josh and Mac went on dates, went to prom, went swimming and to the movies with their respective girlfriends and boyfriends, and no one said anything. Jensen sometimes watched them linger outside, on the porch, whispering and kissing, even making out before saying goodbye and slipping inside, blushing when they met their parents’ teasing grins. But not Jensen. Jensen never went on dates, to the movies or to prom, never held hands with anyone in the streets, never kissed anyone except behind locked doors, just as he’d been told.
So yes, maybe he’s been worried that they’ll tell Jared that he can’t kiss Jensen, can’t hold his hand, can’t go out to dinner. Not even here, in Canada, where being gay is clearly not as dangerous as it is in Texas. He’s seen same sex couples holding hands in the streets, even kiss and make out, many times. He and Jared obviously can’t, not in public, even in Canada, but not because it’s dangerous, but because famous people can’t be gay if they want to work. Still, if they were not actors, if they were just two men no one cared about, they could do all these things here. And he doesn’t want his parents scaring Jared into thinking they can’t. Having Jared as his boyfriend beats every odds in the book. He’s not going to let his parents jeopardize that. Unlike he told Jared once, his survival might actually depend on Jared’s presence. Because if Jared left him… what would be the point of anything?
“You’re getting tense again,” Jared says, giving Jensen’s hand a light squeeze before letting go and shuffling a few inches away. “Better?”
“I’m not tense about you being close,” Jensen tells him, even if he appreciates the added breathing space. “I was thinking about you leaving me.”
“Oh.” Jared looks a bit worried. “Why was I leaving you this time?”
“It’s not important,” Jensen lies quickly. He doesn’t want to give Jared ideas. “Can we have sex now?”
Jared smiles, even if Jensen can see worry lingering in the curve of his eyebrows. “Anytime,” he says, and for once Jensen doesn’t bother pointing out that that’s not true, like if his mother was still there, they would definitely not be having sex. Not on the couch at least. He just stands up and walks into the bedroom, smiling at the sound of Jared jumping to his feet and hurrying after him.
Continued in part 2.